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Found 14 results

  1. Kimberly122708

    Life

    I can't help but beat myself up.... I know... I recognize that it is depression... that it is the resurgence of fucked up feelings/desires and impulses that have been with me my entire life... things I'm ashamed of... been repressing, haven't been exploring or dealing with them... and... I know that a lot of my.... feeling scared... anxious... and quite frankly... recently I just want to... end. Not that I'm going to do anything to hurt myself physically... I'm not capable of that.. but... I am so tired of fighting.. of trying... I'm scared... lonely... whatever. Anyway... My husband and I ha
  2. So. People have always told me that I'm powerful. That I'm strong. Brave. I... I have never really believed it. Because... I'm so terrified on the inside. So... anxious. I'm constantly waiting for people to hurt me. Part of it has to do with my dad being emotionally abusive in front of me (truly do not recall him ever being like that directly to me), and then feeling abandoned when they got divorced. Then the assault/abusive relationship that started in the same time as the divorce. Combined with my mom getting remarried fairly soon thereafter... I mean... all these things have made me isolate
  3. Kimberly122708

    Life.

    So... life has this way of sucker punching you. Although recently I have become more distant from reality... which I am realizing is fucking dangerous... it's not so much... distant from reality, because I am aware of my life, but more... just... being ambivalent about it, and even if I feel the emotions, I'm not overwhelmed by them.. I've carried them for so long.. I feel... just... yeah. So.. my mom just called. The man who has worked for her, for my family since we moved here and bought the business, Rick, just died. Suddenly, unexpectedly. He was one of those... kinda creepy... criminal re
  4. I am so sick of feeling invisible. Let me try to break apart the different ways in which I feel invisible. Sexually - For the past two years. maybe for a few years leading up to that too, my husband's and my sexual relationships has changed... has tapered off. Now, I know that's normal... but it's almost like... I am apprehensive to say or do ANYTHING blatantly sexual, because he appears to get irritated and annoyed that I'm horny, again. So like... I have taken to basically being nudist in my house... because it's comfortable (we were never like that growing up...) but also because I like wa
  5. So we had a big ass talk. My husband and I. I don't think my husband has fully understood the depth of my need for a man to possess me. Sexually,. to be submissive to a man. To be his precious thing. I'm realizing that a lot of it has to do with my family falling apart, and feeling abandoned by my dad. The one man who was supposed to be my number one, the one who was supposed to love me forever, who was supposed to cherish me, protect me, and teach me... he left. I was around 11 or 12... and I was searching for a man to fill that void. Enter P. A 16 or 17 year old. He showered me with attentio
  6. Kimberly122708

    Therapy

    So... I've had two therapy sessions... The first one was just an intake.. so it was like I was just crying, spewing shit I haven't said ever.... and just... unloading all this emotional damage. This second time, we started discussing me... how I feel like I've lost myself... and here are two major revelations. 1) We were discussing feeling like I've lost myself... that I don't know who I am... and she asked me who I was before my abuse... I honestly don't know... I feel like my entire teen years were dominated by sex. Having sex, finding sex, getting attention and love and acceptance through
  7. Got an appointment with a therapist tomorrow. it was all I could do to not cry on the phone with her. Husband and I had a nice, well no..we both cried, we both were upset...but we talked. I told him I was lonely and unhappy. I told him what I need...and it was so fucking hard to say out loud to him... I told him about the need to be possessed... And he said that isn't me. I know it isn't... He said things that translated to me as, fucking destroy everything by cheating, or leave, cause that ain't me. He said, I know that's what you hear, but that's not what I mean.. But I don't know what he m
  8. So... I have been trying to communicate to my husband in a non-threatening, non-aggressive, husband-friendly way... that I NEED sex, sexual attention. That I NEED specific types of sex/sexual attention... and he is trying his best... But he just made me so angry last night. We were laying in bed, and I was trying to initiate sexy time... and there finally came a point where I just had to stop, because I was getting so hurt, angry, whatever. Here I was, writhing next to him, so ready for our sexy night, trying to be coy and touch his thigh/whatever... and he just lays there. He doesn't touch me
  9. So I was spending time with my in-laws this evening... dinner (delicious), and company. I'm not sure what was said to make me feel this way... but I feel the need to rant a little... vent a little.. in a safe environment so that I won't hurt the ones I love. When someone hasn't been through a traumatic event - abusive parents, volatile divorce perhaps, sexual assault... something that changes how you interact with the world. Makes you inherently -dysfunctional... you are constantly having to ignore the inner voice, and even if you feel like you've buried it, worked through it, FINALLY are done
  10. Waiting for the weekend to really "start". I have a friend coming upstate to visit me... someone who I haven't hung out with in almost a year, it'll be fun to hang out with her. Why do I feel so.. non-enthused? I have a long weekend... I don't have to go and be around P at my mom's house.... all in all a fairly good weekend... I guess I'm also really stressed about next year, upcoming summer break, summer school..... my job. I am happy I will be doing summer school - a little more pay is fine by me - but I get nervous about planning for next year. I never feel like I'm covering the standards w
  11. Kimberly122708

    Lies...

    Last time made me so uncomfortable, driving down to the campground... imaging what P would look like, and what his reaction would be. It made me physically ill, but excited. I tried to explain that to my husband the last time we had a decent honest conversation, the other night, about all this. I can't tell him that I had a brief fantasy about P... about getting back together with him. I don't want that, not really. It's like when I think about P I get sucked back into being that 11-15 year old girl... I can't help myself, he is so tall and kind to me. He pays attention to me, he smiles at me
  12. So yeah. I am really embarassed to admit some of these fantasies...I am constantly thinking them, but I haven't admitted some of them to my husband. Some, but,not the ones I am afraid of, shamed by... Secretly thrilled by. It's like I got my first sexual awakening, and that's all I want, from anybody. Yes of course I want stability, yes I want a partner, YES I want all these things... But I also want to be overly sexual. It isn't enough, being in my monogamous relationship. BAD Kimmy..that is probably the most shameful thing I have admitted. I want to make it work.. Desperately. I want to fulf
  13. So, I'm trying to work through why I am like I am... is there something broken inside that led to this? Am I a perverted person? Is it wrong to be perverted? I feel like the right answer to that has to be YES. Good people aren't like this, proper, respectable people don't think these thoughts, have these desires. It's gross, I feel gross, because then by that logic... I AM wrong. Bad. I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say either.... so I guess I'll just go right into it... TW/GRAPHIC - you really don't have to keep reading. So like, ever since I knew what my parts were for, I was masturbati
  14. :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: I drank. I smoked. I sucked a friend off, he returned the favor. I really appreciate that especially since he's straight. And now I have to wear long sleeves. I never had to wear long sleeves before other than weather. I defiled my arm with an ink pen. My friend watched me do this. he's a bit of a sociopath and hurting myself kind of turns me on too. My day is complete.
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