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Found 5 results

  1. This specific incident was the second isolated, physical encounter I had with the person who sexually abused me. I was staying after for math help Because I really, really needed help with it...I decided to also ask him to help with the one thing I needed help with for a project in his class since it was the end of the semester project- not ever thinking he would try anything sexual IN school while there were other students and teachers around. When I went up to his class it was so nonchalant, I only had my notebook and I left everything else in the math classroom I was getting help in initially. I just didn't think anything could turn sexual THERE. I guess I still felt safe at school. I knocked on his class door because it was closed- I am not sure if he had to unlock it to let me in or not. But when he let me in, he locked the door behind him which I watched him do in what felt like slow motion. He said something about his expensive dj equipment and musical instruments he had in his room for the school band, but I still felt anxious anyways. My assigned seat was right in front of his computer desk which was also right in front of the door of the classroom. But my desk was covered in things. I tried to stand at his computer desk but he told me to go to the empty desk..I had to stand at the desk two rows behind, which made me close to the back of the classroom. He came over, stood behind me. We had already done the car thing however long ago...I am not sure on the exact time frame of everything. Maybe one day I will be able to piece together the time frames of these actual encounters for a better understanding of the timeline. But because we had done things before, as he was walking toward me I was thinking in that moment "he is going to touch me again". I think he thought me coming there was me wanting to do more with him. He took it upon himself to take this as another opportunity I guess. He was very, very close “did you come so we can finish what we started?” 😖 And I didn't respond before he grabbed my privates again the same way he had grabbed me before, and I realized it was intentional before and now. He touched me all over. The force of his hands made me lose my balance and I put my hands on the desk in front of me. I heard him take a deep breath in and then I heard his belt and he said if someone knocked on the locked door, I would have to hide and he pointed next to us (there was a spot with desks and there was cardboard where I could hide under the desk behind that cardboard... that’s what he wanted me to do) "Hide there if someone knocks" I never really wanted to admit this especially because it makes me feel used and dirty and embarrassed... He started saying things about oral sex. I was horrified-he kept joking, making me feel like I was making a big deal out of nothing “why are you looking at me like that? I ‘ate you out’ so it's your turn.” He was impatient. Next, I remember being closer to him and facing him and he told me it was “my turn” I was being “inconsiderate” and teasing him. I told him I didn’t know how, anything to try to get him to not press me to do it. But he told me he would teach me 🤢 So he did this part for a however long I told myself as I was doing it that I would never think about it/ do it again. I hated it. I still struggle with oral sex. I don’t really know how long he made me do it but it felt like forever. He showed me how he wanted me to do it so I did it the way he showed me so I could be done. I thought this was all he wanted and I dreaded him finishing. But he didn’t. Then he put his hands on my shoulders and I stood up like a stupid mindless zombie. Then he turned me around and started groping my body again. He undid my bra and felt my breasts and then he pulled my pants and underwear down really fast and forceful and it scared me. Then he reached around me and touched me for a few seconds and all of a sudden I felt him jab his fingers in me. He was saying things about my body part and about things I had no experience with. I didn't know what he was talking about! I heard his belt clinking as he was going in and out more forceful each time and it hurt. He was guiding himself to my body part. I knew it would hurt when I felt it against me almost going in and I said “no I am not ready!!” But it wasn’t very loud and I wish I would have screamed it!! He said vulgar things about me being ready.. I guess it was my fault, my body was responding) I started pulling my pants up, he tried pulling them back down and I started crying and I was embarrassed I was crying because nobody saw me cry. When I turned around, I had my eyes closed but when I opened them I saw he was backing away and pulling his pants up. So I pulled mine up all the way and I ran to the door, unlocked it and I ran to the bathroom with my bra still undone. I felt sick and gross. I felt dirty. I thought "how did I get myself into this". I actually felt stuck in this weird secret I didn't want any part of, something I didn't know how to get out of but trying to avoid him for now on. I don't know why I was still trying to rationalize things... I think I had to do that because if I admitted how fucked up this was, I think I would have had a mental break down. Maybe I should have I remember leaving my notebook in his classroom. I didn't want to go back..I was thankful I left everything else in the math classroom. I had to go to back there to get the rest of my things and I also needed to go to my locker before leaving. I ended up having to go to the office to get my locker combination. I forgot my fucking locker combination I was so rattled about what happened. I have recurring dreams of forgetting my locker combination. I always wore my winter coat in school after this so he couldn't touch me like he did on "accident" sometimes. Handing my notebook to me and grazing my breasts... I also remember instances after this when I had gym, he would come there to "excuse" me from class to "get help" or "help" the few times he did it before I started hiding in the bathroom during those periods to avoid him doing it anymore. I managed to avoid being alone with him those times he took me though. The times I avoided being alone with him when he took me from gym class was a time I went out of my way to socialize with another teacher and ask them for help with something. Another time I told him I had to use the bathroom and I tried to walk fast away from him as soon as we were passing the bathroom and I made it in there without him coming for me. Once I realized hiding in the bathroom was a place he never came after me, I felt safe in there. It became my safe haven as dumb as that is. I went to the bathroom a lot of the time I skipped classes. It was uncomfortable sitting in a bathroom stall for some of the periods, but I would just play games on my phone lol. Then my senior year I started helping a teacher grade English papers in the main school building during those empty classes I had with my abuser where he was the monitor with us-just to avoid him Ugh, he was making me uncomfortable during almost all of my college classes! Anyways-the teacher I helped grade papers for was Mr H and he made me feel safer for the most part. He knew who made me uncomfortable and vaguely why. So I guess I felt heard and validated with him. My high school boyfriend N knew him from having him in middle school and I guess we trusted him and we opened up to him about things. See N had those same college classes with me but he stopped coming to class a lot toward the last half of senior year but he half ass made sure I felt "safe" when he wasn't there since he knew some things about the teacher that harassed me at that point. Mr H was actually the teacher I had in the office with the principal as I told the school about the rape. I couldn't really look at anyone though so I couldn't tell you if they looked horrified or what. It is kind of a blur from the shock of it all I guess I feel foolish.
  2. This is something I haven’t been able to write about until recently in my journal. I don’t like to think about it much. When I was 15, I missed my bus. I had to go into school again but as I was walking in, he was walking out of the commons building doors on campus and he asked me why I was going back to school, shouldn’t I be leaving. I said I had missed the bus. He touched me on my arm to stop me from walking and said “I can take you home and you’ll be there before your bus?” I initially denied but he said he insisted. He said they would most likely ask a teacher to take me home anyways and I thought that wasn’t entirely right but I knew my mom would be super pissed at me for missing the bus to begin with. I don’t know why I would have ever gone with him like this. But I did! He told me he had to get school supplies at a store I lived near anyways. So it worked out. He made small talk the entire ride. I don't remember about what. He pulled into the parking lot of the store first and parked close to the gas station so it was not in a highly populated area. I remember being weirded out and my stomach turned because he said he would take me home before the bus got there. I didn’t know what to say. I don’t remember what I said. But I remember him saying he needed to do something first. So I said ok and then he just continued sitting there. He asked me questions. I don’t remember the first few, they were random about school and things- but it was making me uncomfortable. Then he started asking other questions..Like if I was ok with him going there first. I didn’t have time to answer before he asked if I was nervous. I said I didn’t think my mom would be happy with me being late. He said I wouldn’t be “too late” and that made me feel anxious. He asked if I had ever been kissed before and I didn’t say anything at first. My heart felt heavy. I thought in that moment he was going to try to do something to me but then I thought no that’s crazy! But I was now convinced he was definitely giving off the vibes I thought he was giving me- which I felt stupid for thinking that before. Of course he couldn’t really be a pervert right? Wrong. Then he asked if I had ever been alone with someone his age before (he was like 30), I said no. He asked me if I had ever been touched under my clothes before. I said never. He asked if he could... I was shy and said I didn’t know and I think he thought I meant it was okay. It was a truck he had so all he had to do was scoot over and he was next to me. So he went under my shirt and touched me. I remember flinching. “it’s okay just relax” He touched my breasts and that’s when I realized I liked that feeling. I got goosebumps and he commented on that. Said I must like him touching me like that. then he started unbuttoning my pants and before I knew it he put his hand in my pants and touched me. I put my hand on his outside of my pants but i froze in fear and just sat my hand on top of his. He was intimidating. I got distracted when he grabbed my hand with his other hand and moved it away. I didn’t say anything and I think he thought maybe I wanted more. All I remember is breathing fast and feeling anxious- and his whispering “it’s ok. Relax.” He kept touching me and it actually felt good after I stopped tensing- I hate that he was right about MY body. He asked me if i liked how he was touching me and I shook my head yes 😞 I think my reaction was all he needed to know... and he kept doing it. I had never been touched like that before and it was new and I think I didn’t know how else to react 😢He touched himself and I made a point not to look. He pulled himself out and said “now touch me” and I let him guide my hand to his penis and he had me touch it. I remember the warmth. The feeling of the size. He showed me how to “stroke it.” I never looked at it though, so he said “you can look at me” but it didn’t sound like he was being “nice” about it, it sounded like he was telling me what to do. He ended up letting go of my hand and said “keep going” so I did. “Squeeze the h*” 🤢 ugh I hate all of the memories because it just sounds so vulgar and traumatizing. He was still touching me and going further down... not going inside but almost. He said he wanted to show me something. He started tugging at my pants and when I realized he was trying to get them off of me (I was scared because nobody had ever seen me like that and he was just about to expose all of me) they were already coming down my thigh and he was lifting me to get them from under me. he was pulling at my left leg to get it out of my pants. He Got my leg out and my pants were hanging by my knee on my right leg. I was pulling them closer, nervous someone would see me even though they couldn’t. he separated my legs and pulled me over and down some by my hips to where I was facing him more. and he stuck his finger or fingers inside of me, it hurt and i flinched again and said "ow" He kept shoving them in and none of it felt good to me. He seemed discouraged and took his finger or fingers out. He said he couldn’t help himself, it was in his face. He told me he wanted to do more but we (we?!) couldn’t yet. He said he was going to kiss me. He then kissed me down there..I started squirming and saying it tickled and then he said “have you ever been l***ed?” I had no time to even react- he said he had a surprise and I would like this part and started putting his tongue on me. I was very embarrassed. He was doing that and I was looking around outside realizing nobody was close, looking or caring and I found comfort in that I guess in those moments He kept going and my head was spinning. But I guess he wanted me to feel good maybe priming me for more activity in the future? If I concentrate hard enough on the memory I remember my body wanting to o but I stopped myself from doing so because I was nervous and didn’t know what was going on. but he could tell it felt nice to me. He smiled at me. He said things about my body, he liked to watch me “squirm”, I was being "bad", he might have to punish me..blah blah blah 🤮 I can remember his panting and the sounds from what he was doing to me. I felt wrong but i got a high off it. He told me I was too small and he didn’t want to break me. Back then I thought he meant his body compared to mine I didn’t think he was talking about his body part ripping me apart since I just turned 15, but I think that’s what he meant. he looked like he wanted to jump on me but he didn’t. In that second though I thought my mom is going to know everything when she sees me (and honestly I think she did see something in my eyes). Especially if he does all this right now with his body part he was obviously conflicted looking back. He rubbed himself against my private. i was scared thinking he was going to put his penis inside of me but he didn’t he just rubbed it against me. I don’t think he wanted to leave evidence knowing he would hurt me and I would be horrified and he wouldn’t be able to say it didn’t happen. Because he was large 😢I hate admitting that because he used it as a weapon on me. Then he pushed my leg down told me to keep touching him. He said “put your mouth on me. S*** it.” I panicked and said I couldn't! He asked if I’ve ever made someone c** before and I said no. “Ok just keep going, faster.” So I did and he finished . I was like in shock at this point that I just watched him do this and he touched me and I touched him and he just finished in front of me. he wiped himself on something he grabbed from somewhere. He asked “did I get you” 😖 he asked if I was okay and I said “yea”.He said I shouldn’t tell anyone about what we did because they would be jealous and start rumors and my life would be ruined. The first person that came to my mind was R my friend because she seemed to really like him and I didn’t want her to hate me he ended up taking me down the street from my house and told me he wanted to finish what we started or something along those lines. I don’t remember what I said or anything at all. I just got out and started walking down the few houses to my home, stunned. I felt like I was dirty. Like I had just rolled around in a ton of oil. I remember running into the house and my mom was mad at me immediately! She asked me what was wrong and I said nothing at first. But she kept pushing me telling me she saw everyone else walk home about 20 mins ago and I wasn’t with them like usual. so I told her someone in a car asked me for directions and she seemed to notice I was a little off or something because she looked outside scared and then she ended up telling my grandma about it. I’m not sure why she was so nervous because I didn’t let on that anything was wrong, I was just late. But sometimes she could like sense things- I just didn’t think I could tell her because I knew she would have blamed me for going with him She took me to get mace to carry with me...Which I took with me to school and had to leave In the principals desk before and after school. Even though the person who was making me uncomfortable was the teacher upstairs. I blocked this one out. I remember thinking about it slightly and hating myself and feeling guilty and wrong . If I told any adult I would have felt so embarrassed and I didn’t want anyone to know about it. I did write about it in a notebook I ended up putting in the trash can outside the morning trash was coming...I was so scared my mom would find it 💔 as I am finishing up writing this in the car, dirty deeds done dirt cheap by acdc was just on and it’s uncanny- it was that teachers favorite band. One of the reasons all the students just thought he was so neat 😒 Sometimes I feel like I’ll always be reminded of him no matter what I do. hearing the lyrics I can surely see why it was his favorite band. Sometimes I think The only shit he listened to was pervy. The triggers will always be there and I think I just need to accept this was just a part of my past now I just feel sick and would like a rage room 😆
  3. I have decided to write about the individual experiences I have had with other questionable situations I was in. Some of these things have really been bothering me and I hope giving them an actual written outlet besides a snippet of "oh, this happened too but it's not a big deal" because it is really bothering me lately. I think it had been overshadowed by my more violent trauma. My head is spinning with self blame, shame, grief. I just wish I could have realized things and spoke up for myself more. Some of these things I wrote a little about in previous entries but I just feel like I haven't allowed myself to really deal with them or accept them entirely as what they were. I guess I just considered them "awkward situations" instead of "sexual harassment" or uncomfortable sexual encounters instead of "sexual assault/rape". So I will just go in order of when they happened in my life: -When I was 12, I saw my first erect penis. I was in the back of math class and a student next to me said "hey, look" and he had his hard penis out! We were in the back of class, but I know a fellow student Drew saw it happen! His eyes were wide in shock. I told my mom and she was horrified. She told the school and when the principal asked me about it, I told him what happened. He said "you do know it's your word against his?" and I don't remember ever speaking about it again. - My second job was a grocery store where I met a creep, E. I immediately friend zoned him because it was obvious he wanted to have sex and he was very crude and gross about it. When he realized I was not going to sleep with him, he told everyone at work we indeed had sex AT work. Do all sleazy men have the same fantasies?? It seems likely. I am not sure anyone believed him though which was a relief. This same guy during work hours brought me a "poem" he wrote about me. It was titled "c*nt" which he then looked down at my vagina. And the "poem" was in this format: C is for c*nt U (I cannot remember what he wrote for this one) N (or this one) The calls are coming from inside your house I used to have a picture of this poem but it was like 5 phones ago E also made a horrible joke around coworkers once: he said to a friend/coworker of his as we were all stocking the toilet paper aisle "wouldn't it be hilarious if we kidnapped her and took turns with her and then just left her on the side of the road?hahahahahahahahahahaahah" The other guy just kind of looked at him in shock but laughed uncomfortably. I remember being horrified and leaving to go stock somewhere else; mainly because it was extremely triggering and also I had slept with the other guy once and it made me feel sick that maybe they were talking about it behind my back or something and E was mad I didn't sleep with him. I don't remember the reactions of the others around or if they even heard what transpired. I remember feeling like I was nothing at all. People weren't seeing "me". They were seeing something they hated and wanted to dominate and take advantage of. I didn't understand why this is how people wanted to treat me! -I knew a guy from school (not high school, but we had a lot of mutual friends in high school) we ended up meeting up for a mutual understanding of a one night stand basically. I will call him Nate. While we were hanging, he got a phone call from a friend, of course being DJ (we weren't really friends at the time, hadn't talked to him since high school) and I cringed when Nate told DJ we were hanging out. I had friend zoned DJ since the beginning of us knowing each other so he asked "samantha who?" and then Nate fucking told him it was me and we exchanged the cringiest of hellos 🙄 Anyways, this guy and I just drank, smoked, watched a movie. We both started taking our clothes off at the same time, this was what we were getting together for. We had sex that first time. I can't remember if it was before or after sex that he asked me if I had "ever been pissed on." I, of course, looked at him concerned and said "no, I wouldn't want that." So we left it at that. We continued watching that movie "Superbad" and then he asked "will you get a shower with me?" I kind of wanted to wash the sweat off anyways so I agreed. We ended up showering and having sex again, which was also fine. Thinking about this now though, I wonder if he pissed on me in the shower? Why else ask me if I was ever pissed on?? I just kind of had this epiphany not long ago Also, after the shower we went and laid down in bed and continued watching tv. He kept putting his hard penis on me and eventually asked me to give him oral, I didn't want to. Mainly because he had a large penis and I really didn't feel comfortable. Well, he kept pushing my head down and telling me "just put your mouth on it" "come on, just put it in your mouth" and I guess I gave in and did what he wanted, but made it clear I didn't want him to finish in my mouth. He ended up finishing in my mouth! I fucking jumped up and ran to the bathroom to the sink... What a fucking asshole. I felt so betrayed. Then I thought I was stupid , what did I even expect. Blamed myself for being in that situation. I didn't have my car so I felt trapped there. So I laid down and we went to sleep, kind of. Through the night he kept touching me and putting himself on me, but I pretended to be asleep hoping he wouldn't go any further. The next morning, he took me home. I was so relieved. When he asked me to get together with him again I think I made it clear when I told him I was on my period. Took a hiatus from sex for a minute after this also. -When I look back on my friendship with DJ, I feel foolish. I mean, I should have known he was going to want sex from me. I am a fool! But we were friends. He would get me weed when I wanted it. He would also get my favorite beer on the way to his house all the time. I felt safer with him than when I was alone. We did not start out having sex. Just hanging out and listening to music. I guess maybe that was what made me think I was ok from the sex part. But he started showing more signs of wanting to. I should have stopped hanging out with him then, but I didn't want to be alone We had made out once. We were both tired, so it didn't really go anywhere. Another time I was on my period and he wanted to have sex, so I told him I was on my period. He kept trying to convince me to take my tampon out. Which I wouldn't... I guess it just kept progressing and I was stupid to think he wouldn't expect it eventually. He had done other things that should have been obvious red flags; like sneaking into my house and getting into bed with me and things like that but I never took it serious I guess We were listening to ADHD by Kendrick Lamar; I will never not remember this night And this song, the smell, the feel, everything...we were kind of drunk and had smoked some weed. He started kissing me and we were making out. He kept trying to take my clothes off and I told him I didn't want to have sex.. I didn’t want his penis in me. He was large.. it was triggering, so I thought. I said "Stop, I don't want to. Not tonight DJ. Wait." He kept saying "Please? Come on." "No..." I pushed his hands away, I tried everything I could think in that moment. He wasn't violent or loud. Just very coercive. He was pulling my underwear and shorts to the side saying "Just let me finger you at least" and he just started to do it. I remember tensing, he thought I liked it because of that. So he continued doing more and pulling at my shorts and underwear until they were off. He was opening a condom and then he started doing what he wanted. I just laid there. I felt defeated. I said I wanted to get on my stomach and he let me. I was just glad to not have to see him doing it anymore. Then I liked it...I asked if I could shower. So I did, which he ended up bombarding me in there to shower too. We fell asleep on that couch together after this. I went back for his company over and over again. Knowing he wanted to have sex. I never really did want to at first but my morbid curiosity led me to it. it was better than being alone I guess. Or being vulnerable to even worse situations. Mostly. He did other uncomfortable things. Things I went along with because I didn't know how to say "no". He recorded me on his phone once while I was giving him oral. It was triggering, but I didn't even say anything! There were times we would be watching tv and he would be touching me and out of nowhere he would just stand in front of me on the couch, pull his penis out and put it in my face and just tell me to "suck it". I just did whatever. And I found that I kind of liked it. I couldn’t get enough of him and the bossing around and things but he started getting too odd and controlling. There was a time he didn't use a condom and I only found out because we changed positions. I felt betrayed and horrified. I wanted to stop, so he agreed to use a condom. But this wasn't the last time he tried to trick me! I found out another time he didn't use a condom as I was changing positions and it was right at the moment he was pulling me down onto him and he said "ride me". It was like I had a switch that just turned off when he said that because I just did what he told me to do. I told him to tell me when he was almost there so I could get up, but he just grabbed my hips and finished in me. I wasn't on birth control. He knew that too! We didn't talk for a little because I was offended. Then we did talk again because I am a fool. It was around his birthday and it was the last time I saw him. This time I had my car. We were smoking and we started kissing. He pulled my shirt down and said "your boobs are bigger" and he seemed really excited by it because he started kissing them and doing things to them.I actually panicked because it crossed my mind the last time we had sex he didn't use a condom. I know he never was the kind to ever want to have kids. But his reaction made me feel weird and I wanted out. I don't even remember how far we got, if we had sex or not, I have no memory of what happened next. I just remember I left and I felt good leaving. So I ghosted him. Never answered his calls or anything after this. I was not pregnant, but that was my first official pregnancy scare that no one knows about! I don't know what I would have ever done if I were to get pregnant by him. What a terrifying fucking thought. I never allowed myself to think of the initial trauma over the last 10 years let alone thinking about these situations being wrong. I wonder if there are other women out there realizing these same things about these same people. I am sad. And mad. Honestly, heartbroken. This isolation isn't helping me with thinking about it all, almost nonstop. Kind of obsessing over it. sam 💜
  4. After I returned home from Vegas, I went straight to working and trying to stay as busy as I could so I didn't have time to think or be alone to be taken as his slave again. It was 2012 now and I was working on and off for a few different restaurants and sometimes I even worked two different restaurants a day; working double shifts just to try to stay as busy and surrounded by as many people as I could. I would even hang with friends from work as much as I could just so I didn't have to be alone after. I was always terrified he would come for me again soon. He told me I wasn't done "paying my dues" so I just assumed if I let myself be vulnerable, he would do it again. This was probably 3, 4 months after the last incident: After one of my double shifts, I had come home. It was probably close to midnight. I smoked some pot in my car, and when I was walking to my porch I was grabbed from behind. I ALWAYS checked my surroundings. I was always looking around to make sure I was safe, but it was like he was a ghost and just appeared. I had my mace always with the key ring around my finger like a ring, so I had a grip. But he kept shaking my hand though until it fell in the darkness. I couldn't see his face anyways then, not like I could've used it. He could have been anywhere. It was dark outside, my guard was down and he'd won, again. And I knew this was coming soon. I was going to let him violate me again by not being careful enough. He told me it would happen and I was just waiting around I guess... I wonder how long he'd been watching me. I always felt watched, wasn't sure if I was paranoid or if he really was watching me sometimes. He had his hand over my mouth saying things to me. He was taunting me. Again, with the thoughts of "oh, he's going to kill me this time." I didn't think, I just acted and I bit his hand just to try to fight back any small way. He ended up letting go of my mouth and I screamed for a second before he started choking me. "I'm going to fucking kill you now!" ("Oh, I was right he is finally going to kill me. Please just don't leave me here for my grandma to find") He was forcing me back to my own car. "Get in!" He shoved me into my backseat and I don't remember what else happened until I woke up. I had a hell of a headache and woke up grabbing at my forehead which was bleeding (have a scar above my left eye). Realizing I was somewhere else in the back of my car and I was cold because it was February. I was completely naked. One wrist was tied with some plastic ties to the door handle. MY door handle. I was in my car. The door at my feet was open and when I looked up to see I saw him there, outside smoking. I remember yelling and saying no over and over. I was trying to rip my arm loose. He came at me, laying his body weight on me "Yea scream louder, I like it. Nobody can fucking hear you!" He leaned into the front seat and grabbed something and put a pill in my mouth like before "swallow it" so I did. I didn't want to be a part of whatever this was as much as I couldn't be. So I took it. I had water in my car, which I grabbed with my free hand out of the seat flap. He grabbed it while I was drinking and it ended up spilling all over me. "Look how wet you are! You are so ready." He started touching me all over. "You want this d*ck. Tell me how much you want it!" He made me give him oral. He performed oral on me. I was very confused. Now I know he just did it to humiliate me. To play mind games with me. Eventually I began reacting because of the drugs. He wanted me to react this way for some reason. I was trying with everything I had to hide it at first. But I couldn't after a while. I didn't even feel like myself. I was "feeling" all of it without wanting to. "Yea you like that? I knew you'd like it eventually sl*t" "Tell me you like it!" He handed me his lighter and told me to melt the plastic tie on my hand; so I melted my ties with the lighter and told me crudely to get on top. So I did. The worst part that makes me feel so guilty and sick was when I thought I peed. I just went into my head and the next thing I remember is feeling like I had to pee and it just happened. I don't know if I said I have to pee as it happened or before but I remember panicking once it was happening. It freaked me out when I remembered he was fucking me again. I thought he was going to hit me, but he said "fuck, yea, do it again." He grabbed me by the hair and moved me face down on the seat, "yea, c*m! squirt on me" and he wouldn't stop until I did it again. After this he became fixated on it. Only later did I learn what "squirting" even was and felt so betrayed by my own body. I think at this point I realized he did have complete control over me and there really was nothing I could do. So I was completely submissive. I gave up. If it felt good, I just allowed it to feel good because it was better than the alternative. "You'll never c*m again without thinking about me." "You'll try to forget but you never will." ^This and the other two attacks are the ones etched into my mind, but I don't remember a lot of things. Just pieces of conversations, body memories caused by triggering sensations or words,remembering feelings associated with random objects that I guess can be triggering sometimes (which I don't have the full memories to, if that makes sense? example:a toddler shoe reminds me of feeling hopeless. I saw one in his car once, but I don't remember why I was in there or what happened before or after that) This "situation?" or what have you, where he used me sexually became a more regular thing. It was always basically the same as before, with less violence since he did what he intended and broke me with that violence. Drugs, sex. Making me do whatever thing he thought of. Mostly dominant, submissive where I was controlled completely and humiliated but enjoyed the pleasure physically. That was his fantasy it seemed. Like this specific one I'm sure won't sound surprising: He did a teacher-student scenario where he would ask me questions "So you need to pass my class? What are you willing to do for me samantha? can you squirt for me?" (yes he used my real name and it was even more humiliating because he threatened to send it to people I know and then they'd "know" I made "porn"). There were other scenarios like this but I just don't want to get into it I'm scared more memories will come that I am not ready for. He taunted me with telling me he put it online to sell and thousands of people saw me. "People are going to recognize you" "Nobody will want you now, for sure." Did he really do those things? I don't know... He got something from it all. Whatever that was. The feeling of power and control. Living out his fantasies on me to show everyone. Or just re watch later. And I hated myself. I was sure if he didn't kill me, I would. I lost some of my memory around this time. Chunks gone because I guess I would rather not remember (I wish I could forget those initial attacks, though. That'd be pretty dope). Things my mom and grandma and cousins told me about recently that I have no memories of. Not sure yet what that means, or what all I don't remember. That really has me chilled to my bone. I'm still scared of the memories coming back someday. Anyways, I ended up losing most of my jobs around this time because I was a "no call, no show" and that was another tally on my worthlessness chart. I felt so fucking low. I remember lying in bed in the silence for hours, days. Just laying there staring into space. If it became too lonely, I would invite a friend or go sleep on my friends (DJ) couch. I actually only could sleep there. On his couch. In his basement bedroom in the dark, watching Kenan & Kel. I would forget where I was sometimes and wake up in a panic but this was the only place I could really sleep. Especially if my friend fell asleep on the couch with me. Even though he ended up not being the most gentle person, some of these memories in this basement are still some of my favorite... I was broken. Ruined friendships. Close ones I had with people who meant a lot to me (K). I was just so out of it! I don't even remember how we fell apart completely. I just feel like one day we stopped talking I felt completely hopeless, trying to survive one moment to the next. For some reason my friend who was deployed (DS) still continued to email me around this time. He was one of the only people who truly saw me for me and made me feel like I was worth positive attention. When he would bring up more serious topics or try to get to know me on a deeper level though, I would pull away. I couldn't let him in. I didn't really think it could possibly go anywhere. He was so much better than me. I just figured he was lonely. Which I was too, and we could just talk through our sadness. So we did. I didn't open up to him about anything I was going through though. He could tell I would pull away a lot. He told me his last relationship was with someone who was in an abusive marriage prior to their relationship, and she pulled away from him completely. He didn't want me to feel like I needed to do that. He really liked me for some reason. So I only opened up a tiny bit telling him I was still healing from trauma I had experienced and I didn't want to talk about it. I was extremely ashamed and never wanted him to know. He made me feel better about living at the moment though. He respected my space amazingly. Even through our emails. He just brought this up the other day too "when we emailed, sometimes it was just one small sentence emails." Non-intrusive, just talking about random things. He was very persistent with keeping in touch though, which we usually did through email and sometimes the occasional phone call. It took me a while to allow that. He wanted to video chat, but I couldn't bring myself to do that. I didn't like the idea of it. Looking back, I wonder if any part of him wondered if I was catfishing him. It was easy to get away with not talking to him for extended periods of time because he was across the world and almost 12 hours difference. This gave me the space I felt I needed to keep my baggage to myself. That was comforting for me in so many ways. I didn't feel like I could truly get close to anyone. I know my grandma thought I was having health issues and probably drug problems too. She really wanted me to get help, but I just didn't know what to do. She tried to help me as much as she could though. Took me to the hospital when I needed it, and took me to get any medicine I needed. I wasn't on hard drugs consistently though, myself. Only drug I managed to do on my own consistently was pot. Anything harder would kind of take me back to that feeling of being out of control of myself and I didn't like being taken back to that feeling unless I had to be. My friend in the military (DS) really wanted to meet me when he came home to visit family after his deployment, so he asked if he could when he comes home. That's when I panicked and stopped talking to him for a short amount of time. I just didn't know what to say to him. I was so ashamed. I didn't know what to expect or what he expected and I panicked. It was debilitating. So I spent my time working and trying everything to not be alone. I was always with a male friend (DJ) if I was out of the house, and he made me feel safer I guess. It got to the point where I didn't even drive anymore unless I had to. I always had someone take me places. I was fucking paralyzed with fear of being killed when my guard was down. Like I said before, I would sleep on this male friends cozy basement couch or even invite him to stay over just for company. I just wanted to feel safe sometimes. We were friends. We just smoked, sometimes a beer or two, watched nostalgic tv or listened to music. I do remember one instance he told me he was being harassed by a fake account on facebook. I was never able to physically see the account before it was deleted and he never showed me the message, but he told me whoever threatened him had told him to stop touching their "b*tch". He said I was the only person he was hanging out with at the time and I guess I could believe it because we hung out a lot if he wasn't working around then. Plus I had a likely culprit... He seemed mad at ME because of the messages. "You need to tell whoever this is to stop. I don't like this weird shit." Yea, me neither... "Is it N?" and I told him no, so he just kept asking me who it was. Maybe he felt threatened, I don't know. I told him I didn't know who it was, but he wouldn't stop talking to me about it. So I stupidly thought being somewhat honest with him would help. I told him I was attacked in my past. To which, of course, he didn't believe it. "A lot of girls say they are raped..." I remember feeling so numb to that. He didn't know or ask anything and already dismissed it. Another reason to never open up... Why is it so hard to accept these things happen? Or is it just men who rape stick together and give each other the benefit of the doubt and blame the women? I wasn't being sexually active much back then at this specific time because I just felt burnt out, but I could tell DJ was getting to that point of wanting to even though we were just friends. He would sneak into my house sometimes and just get in bed with me and kiss my face until I woke up which I found confusing. No idea if he did more than that ever or anything. There was one instance at his house when he started kissing me. I kept telling him I didn't want to have sex that night (we didn't have sex yet but we had made out before). But he kept touching me, making me say "stop, not tonight. Don't." He took what he wanted anyways... I just gave in and accepted it after this though. I didn't care anymore. We started having regular, wild sex. Did I want to? Not really, ever. I thought it was what I wanted sometimes. (But it really was just a way to self harm and I guess feel like someone wanted to spend time with me) I just didn't want to be alone. He seemed to really like it. So the more he liked, the more I wasn't alone. But he would do other things I didn't appreciate. Most of the time I didn't even say anything because I just didn't care about myself. I was just a vessel to be used each and every way. So I did whatever whenever which I am sure he just loved. There was another time he was inside me and I started doing kegels on him because I just wanted it to be over with, we were going at it for a while; he told me to stop because he didn't want to cum “yet” and I kept doing it anyways because I wanted to stop having sex... And I did it until he finished and I remember him looking at me confused. Since this I have kind of thought bad things about myself... See, he was nice most of the time and we had good times together too; but he was a sleaze bag. He wanted what he wanted when he wanted it. I guess my initial memories of him weren't very comfortable either. In high school he would grab me from behind all the time where my butt cheeks would be on his di*k. Or he would pick me up after hugging me from behind, purposely putting his arms under my breasts and feeling me. I just find that invasive...it always did make me uncomfortable. The last time he ever did this to me was in front of the teacher who raped me oddly enough and he yelled at him telling him to "never do that again" DJ looked shocked for being called out and we just laughed it off and I teased DJ "yea, stay off of me!" Meaning it with everything inside of me though.. to both of them. He would also act out a little controlling as well while we were hanging out. He said some things during sex and wanted me to repeat things I didn't feel comfortable with. For example "tell me this is my pu**y". I remember specifically saying "no?" He would orally assault me constantly. I guess it’s considered oral rape.. but he would just put his penis in my face and tell me to suck.i never wanted to. He was large also and I just never even liked giving oral to men...it made me feel so dirty. He recorded me once while I was doing it. Looking back. I think he recorded other things we did because his laptop was set up on a chair in front of where we always were and it was always open with the screen brightness turned all the way off. He also would randomly say "I love you" "you know, not love love, just love. You can say it back..." I was like "No...that's ok." He never said it again. He would also take my phone and put it away from me and if I received an alert he would read them first before handing it to me. Right in front of me. I think he noticed I was emailing DS (they were friends in High School) and I don't want to say he was jealous but he definitely seemed off about it. He would say things like "fuck him (DS)." And that was the start of me feeling like I did not want to talk to him anymore.. I didn’t like the feeling of being controlled by someone. I didn’t want another person in my life controlling my life
  5. In 2011, I was not with N anymore. I was working a lot. At this point, I was living in my grandmas house again. I had a lot of alone time since they were not home for chunks of time. My grandma worked a lot and her husband worked for an airline. They also traveled a bit. I liked the privacy and the solace though, until the second rape. My grandma was able to travel a lot for free, perks for having a husband in the field. So they would go on vacation together sometimes to visit family or friends in Florida or Texas mostly. This particular time I was home alone while they were gone for about two weeks. After they were gone for about two days, I heard noises downstairs. Thinking it was our outdoor cat, a cousin, or maybe even my grandma home early sick, I went down my steps to see. When I reached the dining room, I saw someone at the counter moving toward the island touching things and I thought for sure it had to be family. But then he looked up at me and I remember freezing for what felt like way too long, or maybe everything was slow motion; I don't remember what he said to me. I had a bad feeling and I knew I needed to try to get away from him. This was terrifying. I will never forget the pure panic I felt. It makes it harder to open up about these specific things at this point because I realize some people wouldn't want to believe these things can happen. Or maybe he just made me think nobody would ever believe me no matter what. I don't really know. I am only just allowing myself to admit most things about this entire thing This house I lived in with my grandma and her husband was spacious and my neighbors weren't very close. We also didn't really lock the doors back then. And I actually didn't even think about it either... I just never..imagined. I knew I wasn't safe at my old high school. I never thought I wouldn't be safe from him in my own home. I thought he got what he wanted. All the paranoia of feeling watched felt real now. I instinctively screamed out of pure fucking horror. He was saying things but I couldn't really focus on what he was saying. I turned and ran back toward the stairs to my room (which was on the second floor, almost like a studio apartment room). I wanted my phone! I ran upstairs and he let me. Only to chase me with laughter. "I need a huge favor! You knew you'd see me again!" There was nowhere for me to go. I was looking for anything that I could use as a weapon. I had no idea what to do. My neighbors weren't close enough to hear me scream. But I was screaming for him to not kill me. I thought for sure that's why he came there. He grabbed me from behind, pulled and sniffed my hair. "Are you scared?" He shoved his hands in my pants, touching me and putting his fingers in me. He smelled like alcohol, which immediately reminded me of N. "Please don't do this to me, my grandma is coming home soon" "She can watch me ruin you!" I was trying to get away again, kicking, yelling at him to let me go. "Keep screaming, you're making me hard." I had two beds in my room and one was my guest bed on the other side of my room by this large window facing the large front yard. He threw me down onto that bed. Had something in his hand and I didn't know if he took it from his pocket or had it in his hands the entire time. They were scissors from our kitchen, and I thought for sure he was just going to start stabbing me so I mentally prepared for it. I closed my eyes as hard as I could and tensed everywhere. He put the cold blade against my skin, I screamed, and he started cutting my clothes off instead. He told me he could do whatever he wanted. Could have me when he wanted. He was in my house and there wasn't anything anyone could do about it. He told me I was pretty much his property. I remember how badly it hurt when he was pushing on my legs, like he could get them further apart by smashing them into the bed. He was always purposely rough I think because I really felt like he hated me. "I own you. You are fucking nothing." "I could just choke the life out of you. But then I wouldn't be able to do this." And he did actually choke me this time. I stopped listening to what he was saying eventually because he was being so obnoxious, very dominant. Simply because he could and he liked the power he had over me in my own space. I have no idea how long it lasted. At one point I remember him slapping me in the face "Hello? Take this" So out of defeat and hoping it would be over soon, I did what I was told to do. He gave me a pill. He continued doing things with me which I remember up until a point. This next bit is so hard to type. Fuck. The more I think about it, the more I realize how he wanted to scar me these ways. I really believe he wanted to ruin me. I think killing me would have been too easy for him; he wanted to torture and control me. I think these realizations are why I really avoid writing it. Thinking about it. I don't want to remember that rage and hatred. He rolled me over and pinned me completely down, I could not move. I was fucking freaking out. I feel like I am watching it all happen again He put my arms behind my back and leaned into my ear and whispered "Have you ever been fucked in your ass?" I remember trying with all my strength to try to wiggle him off of my back. I never ever thought...it never crossed my mind. I was screaming and sobbing and begging. "I'll do anything else you want. Please don't" And it was all what he wanted. "Don't freak out, you'll like it!" "NO" He ended up tying my hands with something "sshhh , stop. Calm down." He touched my body and then pushed my butt cheeks apart and said vulgar things about my body part. Then he started trying to put it in my bum. "You are too tight, I'm going to fucking rip you apart!" "Noo, Please!" (<I hear this every single day in my head; my own screams) "I'll never be able to get this in *spit*" After however long it seemed to be working easier for him. He was just jamming it in and all I could do was whimper because it hurt so badly. I couldn't form words because the pain was too much. It felt like he was using a knife. He kept saying things, but I didn't focus too much. The last thing I remember was being on my stomach and feeling very tired. The constant thumping of my body because of him was actually putting me to sleep. Maybe whatever pill he gave me kicked in. That's the last thing I remember there. I don't have the best memory of this next few days. I don't know if things are in order, what I am still missing, what fragmented memories I do have fit where; it's all still blurry and I really hope it stays blurry. One thing I remember was I was in the back of a car as it was moving. I was naked. I was going in and out. I remember it was dark out. Seemed like just blackness. Another, I started freaking out, having a panic attack at one point. I couldn't catch my breath and thought I was dying because he poisoned me or something. Another memory I have is in a room I didn't recognize thinking I was going to die, he brought me here to kill me. So many thoughts paralyzed me with fear here. I heard people, sometimes talking. Did he need help killing me? Couldn't do it on his own? I was in this room where there was only a bed, a blanket over the window, and a table. I remember being given more drugs in the arm with a needle. I wasn't terrified anymore and I guess I was more compliant, but I knew this was a situation I didn't want to be in, if that makes any sense. I wasn't restrained that I recall. People used me however they wanted to in this time I was here. I don't know how many there were. I remember two faces besides his, so I guess three people that I know of. I don't remember a lot of it, just random things I can't totally make sense of. Like showering, but not being able to stand so someone was cleaning my hair? I don't even know. Or humiliating details of being used by two men at the same time. I didn't have any sense of time because there was this thick blackout blanket thing over the window and I couldn't tell whether it was day or night. I knew my grandma was gone for days so she wouldn't even know I was gone until she came home. I thought I was going to be dead and thrown in the woods and never seen again. At least I wouldn't be home for my grandma to find though. And those were my constant thought scenarios when I was aware enough to think thoughts... At one point when I was more lucid (I was being cooperative for the most part), he asked me if I wanted to go home. I just didn't respond because I figured this was just another taunt to get me to crumble emotionally so he could get a fucking boner. "How badly do you want to get in the car and go? Badly enough to get on your knees and beg??" He shoved me onto the floor and told me to beg him. "You're such a w**re. Nobody could look at you and think you're not" He made me give him oral. He liked to tell me he owned me while doing these things. He told me I looked like a junkie, that's all anyone would think I was. "You have two options, you're crazy or you're a w**re. You can pass for both" "Do you think anyone cares about you enough to believe you? They'll laugh, you look pathetic." "Do you think anyone even realizes you're gone? They don't even notice." Like beating it into my head..He just kept moving my head the way he wanted until he was done. "Yea, swallow it all" He made me He wouldn't take his di*k out of my mouth until I did...Even though I was about to puke all over him. But I think guys like to see women gag on them. He choked me when I was done "I could squeeze the life out of you. No one would care to fucking look for you!" "But I'm having so much more fun doing this" He let go of my throat at some point. I was trying to breathe, sobbing. Imagining I was dead soon and wishing he would just do it sooner than later. I just felt so fucking done. Tortured. It was like he knew exactly how to break my spirit to turn me into what he wanted. He walked away from me, and I got scared he was getting a knife or something but he came back with a pill and some kind of liquor. "You want some candy" he shoved a pill in my mouth and told me to swallow. I gagged on the pill. He gave me that shot. I drank. He was singing "I want candy" which sends me into the fetal position whenever I do hear it now and again. I don't remember all of what followed. He told me I would like it. Everything gets very trippy around then. Everything I thought and felt just felt right. I don't really know how else to explain it. What I do remember my body began responding in a positive way to the things he was doing to me. Even though he was being very dominant, my body responded the way he wanted me to, without me wanting to! I remember thinking I needed to try to hide it as much as I could, but he caught on eventually. "Stop closing your eyes!" "Yea, see you like that. Moan!" The feeling of connecting shame and dominance with pleasure is hard to get past when you aren't a willing participant. I am not turned on by being used as a rag doll. But that night my body responded as if I was. I don't really know how to explain it... After what seemed like forever, he took me downstairs of this house. I was still completely naked. There were other people downstairs I remember seeing and this was humiliating. I felt like absolutely nothing. He jabbed my arm with a needle, and I welcomed the high. I felt relieved in that moment and for a bit after I guess. Pretty sure he took me to the car, the next memory I have is being naked in the backseat. Maybe a control thing as to why he kept me naked? Or I just didn't have any clothes since he cut them off of me before. I have no idea. I don't remember anything about getting home. I think he waited for me to come to, because I remember basically everything when I first got home. We were sitting in the idle car, he was smoking and I sat up but my right hand was tied to the door handle with a zip tie looking thing (black and thick). He threatened me a little more "Nobody will ever believe a drug w**re. You'll end up in jail for prostitution.You think anyone would believe you're not a w**re?" He opened the door I wasn't tied to and got in the back with me, "if you bite me I will choke you" and he put a mint in my mouth and he made me give him oral while he recorded it. He was so obnoxious with it I fucking hate these memories. He told me to swallow it again "don't pretend you don't like the way I taste." He got out and opened the door I was tied to and it pulled me out and down onto my driveway. I knew it was my house because of the Buddha garden decoration my grandma had by a tree in the yard. I don't know why I didn't scream here. I was so thankful just to be home. He put more drugs into my tied up arm, and then I remember not being tied up anymore. I remember being really cold. A snapshot memory of him carrying me over his shoulder. I don't remember much about how I got into the house or anything like that. I must have passed out. I woke up naked and in the bed he raped me in before. I had pissed on myself. I woke up in a panic. Wondering if I just had the worst nightmare of my life. Realizing I was naked and there were needle marks on me. I thought I was going insane. I genuinely spent hours trying to convince myself it couldn't have really happened. But the more I saw bruises and tracks, my bum hurt, there was also dry blood on my bed where he raped me anally before (how badly it felt I thought there would have been more blood). I realized somehow this was real. But it couldn't possibly be!! I was wondering how I let this happen to me again. How did I survive? Why did he let me live? And come back home? Why didn't he just kill me? I needed to call the cops. But I looked fucking insane rocking back and forth trying to figure out myself if what I think just happened, happened! I wouldn't be considered reliable I was sure. What day is it even? I got up to look for my phone. Couldn't find it at first (ended up finding it behind my tv stand). So I grabbed my laptop and it had been 6 days. I still had almost a week to be home alone. I went and locked all the doors and turned off all the lights. Showered in the hottest water because I still smelled like him and I needed it off. I laid down. But I didn't cry anymore. I think I was in shock. All I could remember was all the threats. How nobody believed he raped me before, why would they now? I eventually passed out. I'd wake up panicking every so often. Then passing out from pure exhaustion. Repeat. This went on for like 48 hours. I finally ate a banana (can't even stomach eating whole bananas anymore because it takes me back to this memory for some reason) and I had someone bring me some weed. I left the money in the mailbox while they dropped it in there because I was so paranoid about unlocking the doors or being seen. My body was sore. I wanted to try to forget. But I couldn't. So I smoked, took sleeping pills to sleep as long as I could. Still woke up panicking thinking someone was right there or choking me. It was horrifying. Worst time of my life. When my grandma came back into town, I avoided her. Told her I was sick in bed and although she did come in to see me, she didn't have to see most of me. I hid from her out of shame. I felt dirty. I felt like a w**re; what he told me I was. I didn't feel like I could look people in the eye anymore. When I felt like I looked decent enough, I needed to get my phone replaced. When I found it behind my tv eventually, the screen was cracked and I had some texts from a number I didn't recognize with a video of me giving oral...it said "mint blowies are the best" So I asked my grandma if she could take me to replace it. She took me. She wanted to go out for lunch and must have thought it was strange when I asked if we could just order and take it home. Which is what we did. She knew something was wrong with me, but she didn't press me after realizing I didn't want to talk. I am glad she didn't because I would have probably had a breakdown and he would have been right; I would have ended up in an institution. It was really awkward and hard but I just couldn't talk to her about it. I couldn't even look her in the eye. I couldn't even think straight. I don't think I could even form sentences with my thoughts after this incident. She probably thought I was on drugs. She offered to take me to Vegas with her when she was going a few months later, and I agreed to go because honestly it sounded like just what I needed. While I was in Vegas, an old acquaintance from high school (DS) reached out to me on a social media account. He was deployed in Afghanistan and started talking to me out of loneliness. I was lonely too. We talked about nothing but it made me feel like I existed for another reason than just being used. He was so far away I guess I felt comfortable developing a friendship with him. He didn't want to just have sex with me. I also didn't have to be with him in person, which it was hard for me to do and be present when it came to being around people because I carried so much shame with me. Every second of every day. But while this beautiful friendship with this guy was blossoming, I didn't realize my life was still under someone else's complete control until I did something drastic about it. I would get phone calls, sometimes saying things and sometimes not. I even received a call while I was in Vegas (we stayed with a family friend) and I remember trying so hard to not let anyone in the house hear me sobbing/hyperventilating because I was having panic attacks from the phone call. This particular time he told me he would be sending videos to my grandma and my parents. I would end up in tears only after some calls because some were worse than others; and the few times someone saw me I would just say it was an ex. I mean what could I even say? "Oh my god, I'm being harassed by this person who is torturing me and using me sexually?" I mean, I guess I wish it was that easy, but I was scared people would think I was delusional and insane. Send me to a psychiatric hospital. I didn't think anyone could possibly believe me. And because of stigmas I didn't think anyone would ever take me seriously if I did break down and end up in a hospital. People would just think I was incredible..I even still think that. I obviously didn't feel like I had a secure outlet to talk about this. I didn't feel secure enough to turn him/them in. I didn't even know who the others were. I felt invisible. I was also extremely paranoid. I became a little more self destructive. Drinking a lot. Experimenting with drugs. I also would starve myself. Sometimes for days. And if I did eat, most of the time it came back up. It was such a dark time.
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