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Found 5 results

  1. What if?

    Sometimes when I'm sitting alone, i think of what we may have been if you didn't break me. Would I fall in love with you? Would we still be friends? Would you have been my first, the person I fell hard for and gave it all up to? I know this thinking is dangerous and does nothing but upset me because I will never know. I will never know if your kiss made light up like fireworks in the sky. I will never know if my skin tingled with every touch. I will never know because you didnt give me any choice. You didn't allow me memories. I know all of this is silly, the thinking of a broken little girl who is just trying to justify what was taken from her. I know we weren't meant to be and i know that i never would love you, I know that I wouldn't have given you such an important part of me, but i just want to feel like I have the part of me back. I want to replace what you did with a happy memory, of two kids in love, who can't get enough of each other. I will never be a carefree child again. That was taken from me and shattered into a million small pieces, with parts missing so as not to let me rebuild. The new me is scared and weak more than I am strong. The new me has memories that shadow every laugh, every smile. The laughs are as fake as the shows on TV. The kisses from my boyfriend will never truly make up for the first kiss that I dont remember. That first kiss of poison. The one that started this mess and the one I knew I shouldn't have let you take. As the days go by I know that you will be farther away. One day you'll forget this girl with half of a heart. But I will never forget you. I will always see that gap in your teeth as you're trying to impress me with the silver car and the avocado tattoo. I'll never forget your breath in my ear as you used my friends nickname to break me even more. The shadow of you wiping the blood and the proof off of my legs. I wish the memories were so easy to get rid of. I wish that every cup of wine, every shot of whiskey and every cocktail of medicine was the magic eraser I so desperately seek. I wish that bad memories truly faded as much as the good. Every move I make now is calculated and well researched. Every time I leave the safety of my home I search the crowds for you. I desperately yearn for complete freedom, the type that only comes when you take your last breath. Years may make this pain easier, manageable but not a nightmare I can wake up from. Not the mumblings of insanity. That dark in your eyes will paint my fears for the rest of for forever. The simplicity of hate is awe inspiring. The death wishes are much easier than what I truly yearn for; an acknowledgement of what was done, what you stole and an apology. This won't heal me but I just want to know you feel this like I do. I don't want to be alone in my suffering.
  2. The first time

    My cousin Chavo was 14 and I was 5.Him and I were left alone at home at night.I touched his genitals and made out. Almost got caught by his older brother Omar so he stuffed me under his covers I remember smelling his penis. Then hearing Omar step down the stairs. I don't remember anything after that...the next day he tickled me as usual but remember loving him so much. I would fantasize about him kissing my neck on top of my bed. I remember the Minnie mouse sheets and me wearing my favorite outfit it was a white skirt and top with a gold chain belt with a heart in the middle. Another cousin • Age 5 Carlos was a year older then me and asked me to undress in the bathroom if not he would not play Nintendo with me so I did it and that was that. Next day same thing but we kissed this time and got caught by his dad. No one else found out. • Age 6-13 made out in secret and performed hand jobs. I remember falling in love with him.
  3. The Final Give & Take

    Can I open up to you? The can of worms sat undisturbed on the top shelf in your bedroom But can I speak with you? Words left undone I’m overrun Gold thread left un-spun What is there left to do? The spindle lays down useless; how could we get stronger through this? I deserve to know what the goddamn truth is Or what truth may be today- But tomorrow it may change The heart is clay (washed away) As you present your sins in chains to be slain Finally I state: “Don’t insult my intelligence- for I have felt more deeply than you ever have in your moments of weakness.” To that, what would you say? Clarity is the direct result of pain If I could I would sit down forever and watch you on replay Going away, slowing the day, dreams starting to fray Like you would give a fuck I must have been a tiny sliver of your life that you flushed down the pipe and refused to think of. I should give up- but damn. I guess that’s ok, I could give every piece of you away if only (if only) I didn’t Love Now begins the final verse of giving up, But I will sit on this stool and pour my soul into these six strings Write a song about destiny- the flame’s smoke hit my lungs on repeat Never felt more misunderstood-no clue how to handle such huge things The burden on my back is weighing me down relentlessly Single notes always lack when I’m drowning in this symphony But who cares? No, really- who gives a shit at all When we’re eye to eye in silence- waiting for the draw The trigger on your finger looks like it’s about to give A moment from the end of a life that has not yet been lived Stretch me ‘till the silence ends or until my bones begin to break Is this the theft of mortality- or the final “Give & Take?”
  4. Decayed Food For Thought

    Evil ghosts of my past... A bitter lemon, once ripe and delicious - Once, a big part of my life - has dried out and rotted: lost it's vibrancy. Lost their power over me. Angels of my past... A cupcake, once moist and comforting - Once, always there for me - has hardened, dehydrated: grown bacteria. have grown apart from me. I can see these... ancient artifacts, decaying with each passing day - ancient memories - to take a bite now, to dwell on them now, undoubtedly would make me sick. would be nothing short of foolish. Memories, however positive or negative, cannot be changed: To reside in the past is to contaminate one's present.
  5. Family Ties

    Loved ones Move to heaven Photographs live on...
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