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Found 5 results

  1. Leia Skywalker

    So What

    I had a tough night last night. My brain did not want to be in the state I wanted it to be in. I had a panic attack. Again for the third night in a row this week. For some reason he could not leave my thoughts alone, I am not sure why this week had to be the week. I thought that maybe I should text someone and I began to but realized no one wanted to hear this, G-d knows I hated talking about it so why would someone want to listen. Since realizing what has happened to me I would tell close people as an attempt for them to understand the small things that I do in life and why. Like why I always lock the door, look behind me and tense up at the sight of certain cars. Every time I hear "oh you still think about him?" Like I just haven't gotten over an ex. To their defense how could they know. I barley know and understand it. I can't expect them to know the answers when I don't. Do I stay quiet? Or continue writing at any point I feel anxious? I don't know. I don't think I ever will, but maybe I just get over it and explain it to them, or find someone who understands to talk to? I don't know.....maybe I will though
  2. Survive95

    Dear Dad

    One thing I learned Helped me coupe with my feelings was to write a letter to my dad that sa me as a young child but I never mail it off I just put it away somewhere I can’t see but I know where it’s at so here’s another as I lay here and cringe at the thought of going to sleep because I’m afraid to have another bad dream because of what you have done to me I think about how badly I wanted to believe you were a good guy and that you had changed that maybe I could have the dad I always wanted the one that plays dress up with there daughter or even goes to the store and buy pads for there daughters and isn’t afraid of what anybody else might think and after what you did to me I still wanted to think you were a good guy I wanted to deny everything u had done for those 3 days straight I just wanted it to all go away and never to be brought up again but how was I suppose to know that it was gonna come out eventually sometimes I wish I would of kept my mouth shut and maybe I would of had the father I always wanted or maybe I was just to young and nieve to believe that you could ever change let alone be a good person I never wanted to believe what my eyes were actually showing me when I was with you I saw the drug deal you did when you claimed it was your friend just stopping by to meet me and even the gun your so called girlfriend gave you and you slipt it to the back of your pants and hid it with your shirt so I couldn’t see it or even the prostitues you had come over when u thought I was asleep but I knew it all I just didn’t want to believe it I just wanted to have someone to looked up to since I couldn’t depend on my mother or any of my brothers to be there for me now it’s years later and you have completely destroyed me and ruined my life I tried to kill my self several different times and it was just a fail but I am stronger now and still surviving just one day at a time
  3. Leia Skywalker

    The future

    I don't know where I will be in a few months, all I know is that I have to leave. I have to leave and get to a new place. Not just to start fresh, but because I can't end up like the rest of them. If I stay then I admit defeat, I admit that I can't do it. I won't let it happen. I will leave. Every time I come back to this town it literally hurts, my heart sinks and it becomes to breathe. This town is literally trying to kill me. If I get stuck here then what? Will I ever feel better, or accomplish anything? I don't want to be famous, I don't want to be a billionaire, I just want to be happy and safe. That answer can only happen when I live and start a new chapter in my life, I cannot continue with the same chapter forever. It will get better, I just can't see it yet. I can't see the future but I have to trust that at some point it really will work out. It may take a long time, but I can get there. Some day.
  4. I don't know why it always seem to be worse around night, maybe there is a reason to that question but that isn't really relevant. Whenever I seem to come to the night I become scared, I lock all the doors around and me and try to feel safe. People have begun to notice how I always close doors and make sure doors and windows are locked, it isn't cause I like privacy its cause I am scared. Part of me wants people to notice how scared I am, I want to tell people that I am scared. But I am scared of that. What if they use that fact against me. That's what he did, he used all my weaknesses against me. I won't let it happen again, I have to stay sharp. I can't let my guard down but I do have to trust people, I know that now. I am trying, I want to trust those around me. My thoughts at night aren't logical they are dark, terrifying and jumbled. I switch from work, to school, to what would have been if I hadn't done this or that. There are so many thoughts and questions I have but can never say aloud. I think at night they just want to be heard so they came out all at once, so I can begin the next day with new questions and thoughts.
  5. Things are starting to link up in my mind, behaviors and feelings that I have make sense. Why I do things and why I don't do things. Every time I come home I lock every door, even when a family member is right behind me. I never open my door. I always carry a pen in my hand. I never look people in the eye when walking. Cause I am scared. I know he can't hurt me, but I can't stop thinking about it. Its why I want so desperately to leave town. Its why I don't feel safe, not at home, work or school. Only in my car. The one place he never touched. I don't know how to really gest rid of these feelings and fears, I don't know if you can. Maybe it will help to leave, but will it help even then? I don't know. I never know, even when I think I do .
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