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Found 8 results

  1. Hi All It got terribly busy with advertising-related annual deadlines. This was my first time 'solo' taking flight with the previous Ad Queen who supported me through our annual directory rush. WHEW! It's over thankfully. We are a small demographic in this large metro area and most of our support related directly to community is done by volunteers. It's a labor of love and hardly work when the impacts over time help improve the lives of others. Most recently we were notified that area-wide we'd be collecting good 'wearables' in all sizes for refugee/immigrants. My background and 'people' know the horrors all too well of fleeing with nothing on your back and losing family members. I cannot honestly look the other way and be indifferent. That's not in my chemical make up to do so. Whether some call it 'empathetic' I think it is justified to plead for sane, safe and humane treatment of children. Helpless children who are traumatized and not large enough or mentally strong enough to withstand the harsh environment and lack of access to food/medical. Finally it will be an early evening for me. I'm generally not tired but this time the mental exhaustion matches the physical. It helps that I swam laps in the pool which increases my activity level and improves the rheumatoid. With that said... my mood improves as well! Shavua Tov! Make it a great and sweet week for all
  2. rsilver15

    Life is...

    Life is, in a word, ridiculous. I will never understand how people can go through life with complete faith in one thing, when things happen daily that cause me to question everything I think I know! Sometimes I feel like there has to be a loving God looking out for us, but other times I feel like however we got here, we’re on our own now. It is hard to reconcile the evidence when it is so contradictory. On the one hand, you have man’s capacity for love and intimate relationships, free will and knowledge, growth and ability to change, acts of anonymous kindness and global goodwill that bring tears to your eyes. On the other, you have endless examples of man’s willingness to destroy, the greed and pettiness and judgment and fear that seems to drive us so often, the starving and the desperate left to die without aid from the mega-rich, hoarding their millions away without a thought towards those less fortunate… There are earthquakes and mudslides and hurricanes and fires and tornadoes and tsunamis and everything that tells us nature is against us, it’s a battle for supremacy or the act of an angry creator wiping out his disappointing creation....And yet you also have rainbows and sunsets, the water cycle in its simple brilliance, the beauty of the oceans and the mountains and the forests, the changing seasons, and how everything seems to be interrelated somehow. All of this beauty totally at odds with all of the ugliness - is it meant to be a balance? Sometimes I think so. But then there's the more hurtful proofs, the things that happen to us in our own lives. Weeks like this, when the hits just keep on coming and it seems that everywhere I turn there is another example of how absolutely horrible life can be, it is so easy to see the bad and it feels almost impossible to see any of the good. A friend asked me to tell her something good that happened to me the other day, and for the longest time I couldn't think of anything. Not even one small thing, and it's not that absolutely nothing positive had happened, it was just that my perspective had been so focused on the bad that I couldn't recognize anything else. I know I've had no shortage of times like this, and in these moments there's no amount of rainbows or sunsets or shooting stars or unicorns that could make me feel that the good outweighs the bad or even that somehow it balances out. In these moments I'm convinced that things are hopeless. But somehow, every time, I find myself having hope. Maybe that's just life. And like I said, life is ridiculous.
  3. To believe that everyone cares and to find out that they really don't care is the worst way to feel. It's the worst feeling in the world. And you sit at home contemplating how your life even got to be a mess. You sit at your glass table by your laptop, attempting to spill your heart out - Although, this blog posting may only get one read or two. Reason why, because I'm that invisible girl that everyone knows me for. I'm that girl that can be easily passed by on the streets and everyone would assume she's okay when she's not. I'm that girl that has been through an incredible amount of pain and regret, yet nobody cares, or does not want to care. I'm that girl that has been banned from all support groups especially when that was the only help I had for myself. I'm that girl that can't quit assert herself and lets other take advantage of me. I'm that girl that will be used again and again and again - Nobody understands the hurt they have caused - Because it's a never ending cycle and to be completely honest is too hard. So we result to our mean ways - To be cruel. I'm that girl that you can manipulate and lie about just so you can please yourself and others. I'm that girl that has been sexually assaulted three times by individuals half my age. One time, by a sixty year old man. And as he lay on top of me, the only thought in my mind was this: "Why did I leave home?" If I hadn't of left my Mom's place, I wouldn't be in this mess. I wouldn't be struggling through addictions nor would I have burned all these bridges with different organizations that now hate my guts - And I hate them too. I'm that girl that you can mock and mock and mock and nobody would stand and do or say anything. Just for the fun of it. I'm like a doll. You can easily manipulate and torture me in whatever way possible. Because it's easier that way. Because this is the way our society is. I'm that girl that endlessly cries in hope that someone hears. However, we're in the middle of nowhere with trees and bushes and nobody can hear. Even if I scream, nobody can hear. The closest sign of civilization is about three hours away walking distance, up at a local convenience store. But whose going to care? That's right - Nobody. I'm also that girl that does not deserve any help whats so ever. I deserve to wallow in my tears and die because that's all I'm good at; this is my destiny. Sometimes I wonder if I'm cursed or something from all the hurt I've done to others in the past and even today. Sometimes I wonder if I deserve all of these horrible things happening to me. Often, I believe this may be the case. As much as I don't want to believe it, I know it's true. I'm cursed and known to be invisible by everyone. I can't wait until the next guy abuses me... AGAIN. ~
  4. So its been 16 months since i was last attacked. And honestly i cant get use to being safe. It scares me so much to be this way. Im so use to living every day wondering "will this be the day my mother kills me" or " will my uncle finally finish me off so i cant tell again". See my entire life has been one bad thing or another. My earliest memory is of my father sodomizing me. Then i have a mother who is not mentally stable and that's when shes sober. Which most of the time she was sober but she would have a week or two where she was a constant drunk. Being drunk and bipolar is not a good combination. Then my fathers youngest brother r***d me from the time i was 7 till just 16 months ago, (I'm 20 now). And no matter who i told no one ever cared or helped me. I was made to look like a liar and unstable. I do openly admit (though i don't always come out and say it) that i do suffer from Complex PTSD. but that doesn't make me unstable. I don't know how to live "safe" and its becoming apparent that my body is always going to be in that " danger around every corner" mode. As for the last few weeks I'm unable to sleep due to horrendous nightmares that refuse to let up and I'm getting to a point that i desperately want to be normally. But i seriously am starting to doubt that i can ever be that. I feel like damaged materials that can never be repaired....
  5. The time when you realize Your breathing Is just an illusion Within a world of lies We seek truth And our own life's meaning Which is often surmised True wisdom Will come with time - And time Cannot be compromised
  6. VintageCrayon

    A Life Partner

    Is there really a point in living life, If we have no one with whom to share it? Living can suck without husband or wife To credit your daily life with merit. We need someone to listen to our stress: Calm down our anger, console our grief, To celebrate with us in our sucess, And after a rough day, be our relief. To whom else can we turn when life's unfair, When everything's wrong and we need a friend? To comfort us when it's too much to bare, We need someone on whom we can depend. We need someone to tell our daily tales, To be there for us through both thick and thin, To take care of us when we're sick and pale, And keep us away from the looney bin. Living alone lacks a certain substance: We can't validate our own existence. A partner can give our life abundance, Because to our lives we need a witness.
  7. VintageCrayon

    Insincerity

    The question is "How are you doing?" Immediate answer is "Good, you?" I smile even though inside I'm hurting, Because society fears the truth: I'm not okay. If one were to open up and say "I'm really not doing very well" People would withdraw and back away, So we hide behind fake happy shells. We're not okay. Our first world complaints are frivolous To third world countries in poverty. Our daily luxuries are limitless, While their dishes are hand-made pottery. They're not okay. We waste money on pointless wars Instead of paying our country's debts. The rich get richer, and poor stay poor: Sadly, this is our country's vignette. The world is not okay.
  8. My baby sister, she's my love She's the butter to my bread, But she has a learning disabiliity That she shall never be rid of Though she's phsyically mature, Her mind is somewhat behind. Yet a sweeter soul you'll not find, Of that statement I'm quite sure And on one horrid fateful night, The police came to our house. They took away her dad - mom's spouse, And this gave her quite a fright He did not return from work next day, And naturally she wondered why, "Daddy is sick" was our reply - So she dropped to her knees to pray She begged God to make him better, And as she bargained with the ceiling, My heart had a very strong feeling: That image would stay with me forever...
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