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Found 7 results

  1. I am letting out a few things because I'm feeling tired and sick and am crying in my bedroom 1. You stole something from me that you had no right to take. You have stolen my little brother from me. You replaced him with a monster hiding under my bed, and when I look at you, you still wear his face. You will not take anything else from me. You will not take the progress I made struggling with my mental health for five years. You make me feel like I have to hide my body, like I have to cover up and hide and curl up, and vanish into thin air. Do you realize how many years it took me to love my body? Do you realize that I had to make myself love it? You will not take the love I found for myself. You will not take the trust I have in other people, you will not take the trust I have for the world and the new people I meet. 2. You make me sick. Especially because most of the time you don't do things that are out of the normal range of things siblings do. Siblings hug each other, that's normal. Because you're siblings, right? Especially if you're not that far apart in age, especially if you've grown up together. Siblings can be close. I always thought we were that kind of siblings. I thought I could trust you. I thought you loved me. But I see now that I was mistaken. To you, I am not a sister, not a friend, not even a person - I am a toy. I am something you use before throwing it away, I am a thing to you. Do you even realize how sick the idea is that a human can be a toy? And do you even realize what you are doing? I am genuinely wondering. What kind of human does understand what they are doing and does it anyway? How do you justify this to yourself? How do you? 3. I don't know how to hate you. Maybe I will learn to hate you one day, or maybe not. Right now, I don't know how to uninstall the love I've felt for you for every single year of your life. And that makes me kind of sick, too.
  2. Growing up, I was homeschooled. In third grade, my dad lost his job and my mom went back to work. So now my dad was in charge of my younger brother and me while my mom was at work. Everyday when he was done with his lunch, he would go to the master bedroom to rest. Since my brother and I were younger, he made us come in to the room with him so we wouldn't be unsupervised. We had to be quiet, and it was a king sized bed so we would just nap with him. This went on for a while and was fine. In fourth grade, my brother and I didn't feel like napping, so we would quietly get up and mess around a little. Eventually, my brother started sneaking out of the bedroom to go watch TV quietly. I knew if my parents found out, we would be in big trouble. I refused to go with him and tried unsuccessfully to get him to stay in the room. This became a daily occurrence, and my dad noticed. However, he didn't mention it to my brother. I don't remember how it started, or when the first time was. I know he sort of groomed me a bit, but I don't remember which things he did first. I'll try to go in order just using context and logic, but I really don't remember what order these events occurred in. I had been going through a growth spurt and was having back pains. So bad that I was brought to the doctor. It turned out I had slight scoliosis. Almost daily I would have lower back pain. My dad (obviously) knew this and used it to his advantage. When I would be alone in the bedroom with him (during 'naptime'), he would ask me if I wanted him to massage my back for me. Of course I did. I don't remember if this next detail happened right away, or if he waited awhile before going further, but he would ask me to take my shirt off. I hadn't started going through puberty yet, so I wasn't even wearing a training bra or anything. I didn't think that was too unusual, and was fine with it since I had sensory issues anyway and did not care to feel my clothes being rubbed against my skin. I don't remember exactly how the conversation went, but at some point my dad asked me if I wanted him to show me what girls do with their boyfriends. He told me I was getting older (I wasn't even ten yet) and that in a couple years or so I might be old enough to have a boyfriend. That really excited me and made me feel like I was finally starting to grow up. I did want to know what girls do when they're with their boyfriends, and I assumed this must be something every dad did with their daughters. I thought it was some kind of rite of passage. I had no idea what he was going to 'show' me. I was very sheltered and had no clue what sex was. I didn't have any clue what girls do with guys other than kissing. I didn't even know what French kissing was. I just thought everyone pecked their SO on the lips. My dad told me if we did, I couldn't tell my mom anything about it. He reminded me how strict she was and told me she wouldn't think I was ready for years. That made sense to me, and since I didn't want to have to wait, I agreed to let him 'teach' me. I figured that whatever he was going to do, it would be OK since he was my father and they're supposed to do what's safe for you and you're not supposed to disobey your parents anyway. I don't remember where the conversation went after that or what we did. I don't remember how he started 'showing' me. I know that when my brother would leave the room, he would have me get up and lock the door behind him so he wouldnt be able to get back in. Then I would go back to lay in the bed with him. He would ask me to take my shirt off and lay on my stomach. I remember throwing clothes on the floor after taking them off. He would massage my back, and after awhile he would say 'lay on your back', so I would. He would then massage my stomach. I had never asked him to do that and he hadn't asked permission. He just told me he was going to do that. I thought that was a little odd, but it wasn't hurting anyone so I let him. I think after that he would move his way up. I have no idea why, I had no bust. I hadn't started puberty yet. I remember he would lick his fingers and then trace them around my nipples. I don't quite remember how I felt about it at the time, but later on thinking about that would be a trigger and I would experience phantom touches on my nipples when triggered. It would only be a few seconds, (the phantom touches) but it was enough to make me feel disgusted and freaked out. I would cringe and shake my head as if to snap myself out of it. Any time I would hear people talking about playing with nipples, I would be triggered. Anytime I had to recount this detail of my past to a therapist, I would be triggered. Later on I was able to work through that and now I don't have any problems with it. Anyway, I know that at the time I definitely didn't enjoy it, but I let him. I don't think I felt grossed out at the time (other than the fact that he was using his spit), but like I said, I don't really remember. Another thing I remember is that he would grind on me and it would hurt. I didn't like it at all. I let him though because he was telling me what to do and you aren't supposed to disobey your parents. I would be sore from him grinding for awhile afterwards. If I remember correctly, he would take off his pants and leave his boxer briefs on. However, as he abused me day after day, I'm sure there were a number of different combinations of which clothes we were or weren't wearing. I just remembered clothes being put on the floor. Not really which clothes. I know he would have me take my pants off and I'm pretty sure that he would have me take my underwear off too. Like, I remember my panties being on the floor, but that's an isolated memory from that time and it might have been from later when my mom asked me to give her a pair to possibly be used as evidence. It's been over ten years now, so all my memories from then are just little flashes and short isolated ones where I don't know how the situation ended or began. I don't know when I lost these memories, since I know I had them the following year after it occurred. Well, I think that is enough for this post. Thank you if you read this.
  3. Gordy

    Memories from the 1st farm

    Our first farm wasn't very big it was only about 8 acres . there was a creek running through it and a couple acres of trees , for child as young as I was seem like a forest . This is where I have the clearest memories of the "Games". I remember being in my sisters room , all three of us naked on her bed . We wouldn't have been very old , I believe I was in fourth grade , she was 2.5 years older.. I have a vivid memory of her laying on her back with her legs spread and us using our hands to rub each other . And rubbing up against each other. This is when she said the thing about us peeing in her.It was very bright so I think the curtains were open. Again I think she started playing with us so E could watch. The creek that ran though the farm had cut a ravine , it wasn't very deep , but the sides were above our heads. I remember the three of us going out there , and her saying that we could hypnotize her and she do anything we wanted . I remember all three of us naked down there , playing with each other and rubbing against each other . The first vagina I kissed with my sisters , and the first female who took my penis in her mouth was my sister . And yes me and my brother also played with each other . I think we moved the games outside so E could get a clearer view. Later on we built a lean to out of brush , I believe the games continued in there even though I have no clear memory of it. We couldn't see out but if someone wanted to they could see in. With out us knowing they were there. I remember I found an abandoned animal den, I would worm my way in to hide. I have no idea what animal made it but it was large enough for a 4th grader. It was a dank smelly nasty borrow in a pile of dead trees and brush. But nobody know where I was. There was a family that lived next to us that also had kids about our age . They would come over and play and then one day they didn't anymore . They were very religious. I have the suspicion that J tried to include the older daughter in the games and the parents found out and forbid them to come over . I just have this fuzzy picture of two naked girls in that lean too . I remember being told that we hated the mother and father. That they were religious freaks and we needed to stay away from them . Again we were highly sexualized for children of that age . Me and my brother had G.I. Joe's and my sister had barbies. We would play G.I. Joe on liberty with them where we have the dolls do sex acts. Like I said this was the early 70s , media wasn't as openly sexual then as it is now . So we got these ideas from what was being done to us . I don't think we were there very long , long enough to grow and bale hay. But then I'm not sure, I only remember the summer there . I remember loading the steers and pigs on to a truck to take them to the slaughterhouse . That may have been while we were moving to the second farm . I remember E being abusive and violent because we weren't doing it right . this is all took place in the northern Midwest, so there would of been snow and cold. I don't remember winters , only flashes. As is my habit when confronted with a problem , I do research . Let's collect as much information as possible about the problem we're trying to solve and see how we can apply it to the problem . It appears that not only was I trauma bonded to E, I also have trauma amnesia . I may never fully recover the memories of the abuse . It may only be vague impressions, suspicions and just brief flashes.
  4. My cousin Chavo was 14 and I was 5.Him and I were left alone at home at night.I touched his genitals and made out. Almost got caught by his older brother Omar so he stuffed me under his covers I remember smelling his penis. Then hearing Omar step down the stairs. I don't remember anything after that...the next day he tickled me as usual but remember loving him so much. I would fantasize about him kissing my neck on top of my bed. I remember the Minnie mouse sheets and me wearing my favorite outfit it was a white skirt and top with a gold chain belt with a heart in the middle. Another cousin • Age 5 Carlos was a year older then me and asked me to undress in the bathroom if not he would not play Nintendo with me so I did it and that was that. Next day same thing but we kissed this time and got caught by his dad. No one else found out. • Age 6-13 made out in secret and performed hand jobs. I remember falling in love with him.
  5. I was two years old when it all started. My Mom had just given birth to my very sick baby sister. Dad was stressed out. and i was the relief. I blame myself as most others do. and now that I'm finally an adult, I'm pressing charges.
  6. Hello everyone, This is the first time I've joined an online Internet support group, and I feel nervous. More than that, though, I feel the burning urgency to go "public" with the truth that our family was far from perfect, and I am an incest survivor. I've been sharing the story in therapy for years, but now that is not enough. It still feels like a secret. Time for some changes! FacadeBroken
  7. We are all born into this world as loving, trusting, pure beings. We possess a genetic and a soul connection to all of our ancestors. We are the culmination of everything that we have ever been as well as all that we can and will ever be. Upon this earthly playground we live, love and have experiences both public and private. We are molded by our unique genome as well as our environmental influences thereafter. We experience ecstasy as well as pain, joy and sadness, heaven and hell. So when it is time for us to die, what then did we gather from all of this life? For those of us who are agnostic or atheist; the question is... "What legacy have we left"? For those of us who are spiritual or religious; the question is..."What contribution have we made to the greater good and what rewards or challenges shall we face in the hereafter?". None of us get a free ride. There is a natural give and take that we all share in this life. Some of us believe in a higher justice and some of us question if there is such a thing. When we are in the midst of our sufferings, faith can be hard to muster. Maybe we think we deserve punishment. There are still others that live with an attitude of entitlement. As if all other beings and nature have evolved only to serve as an instrument of personal satisfaction. Presented to us just for our personal exploitation. Family, friends, life, death- does any of it matter? Is there a God? If so; why do we suffer so much? Perhaps we are all organic miniature libraries circling the infinite main library of the creator. Micro representations of the cosmic macrocosm. If we accept this hypothesis, then what we do and think at all times is recorded and rewritten many times within ourselves and beyond. This IS the model that I subscribe to personally. We all fall, we all make mistakes and we all can get up again and heal wrongs of the past. We have a responsibility to all creation to makes things better and not take more than our share. At this point I am going to divulge some personal information that some may find shocking. This announcement is in the spirit of healing for all those whom have had any similar experiences and need a platform for their voices. My father Lester raped me when I was approximately 12 years old. When he performed this heinous act against me he stole my feminine power and my life in one fell swoop. My life would have gone much differently if this tragedy had not occurred. In the 44 or so years that followed I have done much work on myself and have triumphed as a survivor. My father went on to have his 15 minutes of fame and has been able to live a fulfilling and exciting life. He has played a leading role in saving the peregrine falcon from extinction and blazed the trail for others to continue this important work. His personal contribution to the higher good of the planet is an unquestioned fact. He is a charismatic, handsome and successful character in that particular play. He got away with his crime against me without any visible downside in the public eye. I went on to struggle with lingering PTSD for the following 44 years. In that time I have done much healing work on myself as well as many others along the way. This public announcement is intended to reach any other "targets" out there whom Lester or any other perpetrator may have damaged. If you or someone you know had any alone time with my father as a minor please contact me! Together we can close this chapter of abuse and educate others as to methods in prevention of this kind of sexual crime. This sociopathic behavior can only be prevented if we bring this problem to light for all to see. Most of us survivors are terrorized by the idea of exposing these dark offenses. We most often are ruled by shame and fear that paralyzes us from taking any important bold action. My silence very well may have left other innocent young people unprotected and then later preyed upon by this man. The statistics vary greatly, but generally show that approximately 1/5-1/4 of us have fallen prey to sexual abuse by the age of 18. Most experts agree that all child sex criminals are serial offenders. Most of these predators are people who are close friends or family of these young people. The targets are from all walks of life, all races and can be of either gender. These perpetrators most often "groom" their young prey by establishing special relationships with the children. They make the children feel extra special and usually progress to the inappropriate behaviors with these minors almost in plain sight. In other words the perpetrator is usually trusted by the child's family and therefore allowed to have private time with the minor. The only way for us to protect our children from these kinds of crimes is to educate all of the young and adult public. We have to change laws that are protecting the perpetrators. We must also provide better social services and effective counseling to the families involved. Now that I have spoken my anguish publicly, I may live the rest of my life fully. I will die knowing that I have done everything in my power to contact any other people who have experienced this indignity. Bless you all! The professionals say that according to statistics, I am not the only one. I have not found the other survivors yet. Anyone with any information related to this case or any other similar cases are encouraged to contact me! You might not even realize that you were victimized by this man. You may have warm and fuzzy memories of him because you thought that you were special to him. Please take the time to reconsider what the actual nature of that relationship was. As a united front, we can heal together and end this kind of abuse. Are you brave enough to be a part of the solution? If so, let’s talk. :-) My father's name at that time was Lester He preferred to be called “Les”.
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