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Found 11 results

  1. How can I help?

    Dear Survivors, I am 26 years old. I suffered sexual abuse most of my childhood. I used to stare at the ceiling and just imagine being somewhere else when I laid on his bed being violated. That was my mental escape. I had gotten used to it so I never shed tears anymore. I just accepted it as being part of my life. I used to write journals as a method of helping me cope. I had a long list of questions some of which were: Why did you do it? Why me? Wasn’t your wife enough? What did I do to deserve it? I felt guilty. I felt ashamed. I was disappointed, angry and scared. The reality of what happened to me all those years only struck and sunk in the day I told my truth. I was overwhelmed with emotions as tears streamed down my face. I testified and he was sentenced to 10 years in prison. I had no support from my family concerning the abuse. No one ever asked what happened or even asked about the case. I was suffering major depression back then. I cried almost every day replaying all the incidents I remember in my head. I cut myself, I overdosed a few times on pills. I was even rushed to hospital one night. It feels like nothing else in the world exists but your heartache and pain. I used to be angry with God, asking why he allowed it to happen. Where was he? When I was being abused over and over and over again. I’m not telling my story to seek sympathy. I just want every survivor to know: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. It might seem hard to believe especially if your abuse was recent and still fresh in your head but things will get better in time. You won’t feel like this forever. One of the most important lessons I have learned through my trauma is to NEVER GIVE UP. Something I have also learned is that your trauma doesn’t define you. You determine how it helps you shape into becoming the person you want to be. I might not be always able to post but I wish to share my experiences with all of you. Sometimes it might be incidents or just how it has been affecting my life all these years in both bad and good days. Thanks for reading. I hope it helps even if it is in a very small way. PS: My title is inspired by the series New Amsterdam. Somehow the question always pops up: "How can I help?". And I wish to help.
  2. I'm New

    Hello, I guess I'm new to this site. I just joined a couple hours ago. My therapist suggested that I look upon these kinds of forums because they said it would help. At first I wasn't sure how reading about other people's pain would help me, but once I began scrolling through the entries I felt inspired. If other people can talk about their pain and share their stories then I don't see why I can't. I admire the people who are able to write how they feel and what went on. You're all very strong. It happened only a few months ago. I still feel very scared and hurt to talk about it. I don't even talk about it to my parents or my therapist. I try to but I'm still not ready. I really don't want to get into the details much because that would just trigger me badly and I don't want to live through it again. But for now I think this should help me slowly open up about it. Hopefully I can speak about it before April. That's when the court date is and that's when I have to face them again. I got the letter in the mail a couple days ago saying I may have to go testify against them on the 12th of April if they choose to not plead guilty. I don't think I will be ready, but hopefully this works. All I ask to the people reading this is to share some advice with me if you want to. How do you prepare yourself to face them again in court? How do you get through it?
  3. Hello, Looking to heal....

    Hello everyone, I'm Rain. I'm currently battling PTSD from my sexual assault, which occurred September 27th. I went to the police and reported the man who did it, and it's been a Hellish battle with the courts. He said he does not want to serve jail time, so it looks like we may end up going to trial. He has until July 27th to accept the plea bargain, which is 60 days in jail, or we go to trial in August. I feel betrayed, since it was my best friend's boyfriend... and she chose his side. Her whole family chose HIS side. Even her brother, who was also my best friend. I'm hurt. I'm angry. I'm attending therapy and trying to get my life back in order, but it is not easy. I've somehow landed a boyfriend after this incident and it has been a little bit rocky because I tend to lash out, get defensive and get upset. It's like I'm always on edge and need to pick fights over everything. And then there's my self esteem. I feel low, like dirt. I feel ugly. I've been spending money a lot to try and make myself feel better. I just want him in jail. I want everyone to see him for the monster that he is. It's hard because there was no physical evidence, and so, the police can only charge him with simple assault. I sometimes feel like there's winning... but I'm trying to have hope. I can't give up.
  4. Hello! I am new to this. I am seeking some help, love and support from people who have faced similar challenges like me. I think it will benefit me to know that I am not alone and what happened to me was not my fault. I think this open communication will help me better cope with fear and anxiety I live in because of what was done to me. I have the lingering fear of being raped and abused again even though i know it's paranoia I feel. I need guidance and help get more support to better understand and cope with what happened to me. I never feel normal anymore yet considering what I've been through it's normal for me to feel that way. If u have any knowledge that may help I am all ears! Along with support, advice, or encouragement anything beneficial would be nice!
  5. sometimes i wish he had kill me. just finish the job he started. when i think about suicide i always feel the sting of the reminder "he won". i honestly have no idea why did he keep me alive, or if he ever wanted to, if the thought of killing me ever crossed his mind. but if it ever did, i shall not give him the satisfaction, he did his worse, and i will not lay a hand to silence me for good. i have never reported nor faced him with my accusations, but he knows damn well that i have the power, the upper hand, and if he ever to try my patience, i will look him in his eyes, spit on him, and put him behind bars for as long as time. this is my fantasy, i am no warrior that i wish to be, i am just a scared little girl that likes to dream about revenge,. but the damage is done, no court or judge will ever bring me what i have lost within his greedy flesh so i guess all is left to dream.
  6. Safe But Estranged.

    So its been 16 months since i was last attacked. And honestly i cant get use to being safe. It scares me so much to be this way. Im so use to living every day wondering "will this be the day my mother kills me" or " will my uncle finally finish me off so i cant tell again". See my entire life has been one bad thing or another. My earliest memory is of my father sodomizing me. Then i have a mother who is not mentally stable and that's when shes sober. Which most of the time she was sober but she would have a week or two where she was a constant drunk. Being drunk and bipolar is not a good combination. Then my fathers youngest brother r***d me from the time i was 7 till just 16 months ago, (I'm 20 now). And no matter who i told no one ever cared or helped me. I was made to look like a liar and unstable. I do openly admit (though i don't always come out and say it) that i do suffer from Complex PTSD. but that doesn't make me unstable. I don't know how to live "safe" and its becoming apparent that my body is always going to be in that " danger around every corner" mode. As for the last few weeks I'm unable to sleep due to horrendous nightmares that refuse to let up and I'm getting to a point that i desperately want to be normally. But i seriously am starting to doubt that i can ever be that. I feel like damaged materials that can never be repaired....
  7. In Need Of Answers

    I was recently raped and I have no idea what to do.. I could really use someone to talk to.
  8. Where Is Home?

    "Home is where the heart is." What does that mean? Is home not a physical place? Then why, when we are returning to our place of residence we are "going home..."? I'm just as guilty as anybody else. I call this place home, but why does it not feel like my home? Why do I not feel safe? If I decide that this is not my home, then what is? I have left myself emotionally homeless. Yes, I have a bed to sleep in, and a roof over my head, but I do not have a home. Will I ever?
  9. Day 2 With My Rapist

    I dont know if I can type the hell of a day ive had im torn between writing it down and just keeping it inside. Guilty is one word id put. But the question is was it rape if I just stopped fighting?
  10. My Passwords?

    I became a member almost 2 years ago. I have moved twice and always been able to access my account. Recently, I settled into my new home, and due to some issues, wanted to access the My Story section to add some to my story. I can not access that forum any long. I have messaged a moderator, but received no message. What is the best way to get this resolved?
  11. hi everyone. my name is rachel and i am 17 years old, 18 soon cant wait! anyways the reason i joined this page is because i recent started having flash backs and feeling terribly guilty for allowiong my attacker to get away with what he did but the reason i allowed him to was because he was my uncle and i love my granny very much and didnt have the heart to send her son to prison or whatever punishment he would have gotten for sexually abusing me. there are 5 female cousins including myself that are related to this man and it turns out he got to us all and i was the last girl he got to. he is a taxi driver and i see him sometimes with young girls some my age some 11-13 (ages he abused me at) in the back of his taxi cab and i just got scared wondering is he touching them too.. i am just here to talk to people who know how i feel to know that i am not alone and there are some good people out there.
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