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Sometimes when I'm sitting alone, i think of what we may have been if you didn't break me. Would I fall in love with you? Would we still be friends? Would you have been my first, the person I fell hard for and gave it all up to? I know this thinking is dangerous and does nothing but upset me because I will never know. I will never know if your kiss made light up like fireworks in the sky. I will never know if my skin tingled with every touch. I will never know because you didnt give me any choice. You didn't allow me memories. I know all of this is silly, the thinking of a broken little girl who is just trying to justify what was taken from her. I know we weren't meant to be and i know that i never would love you, I know that I wouldn't have given you such an important part of me, but i just want to feel like I have the part of me back. I want to replace what you did with a happy memory, of two kids in love, who can't get enough of each other. I will never be a carefree child again. That was taken from me and shattered into a million small pieces, with parts missing so as not to let me rebuild. The new me is scared and weak more than I am strong. The new me has memories that shadow every laugh, every smile. The laughs are as fake as the shows on TV. The kisses from my boyfriend will never truly make up for the first kiss that I dont remember. That first kiss of poison. The one that started this mess and the one I knew I shouldn't have let you take. As the days go by I know that you will be farther away. One day you'll forget this girl with half of a heart. But I will never forget you. I will always see that gap in your teeth as you're trying to impress me with the silver car and the avocado tattoo. I'll never forget your breath in my ear as you used my friends nickname to break me even more. The shadow of you wiping the blood and the proof off of my legs. I wish the memories were so easy to get rid of. I wish that every cup of wine, every shot of whiskey and every cocktail of medicine was the magic eraser I so desperately seek. I wish that bad memories truly faded as much as the good. Every move I make now is calculated and well researched. Every time I leave the safety of my home I search the crowds for you. I desperately yearn for complete freedom, the type that only comes when you take your last breath. Years may make this pain easier, manageable but not a nightmare I can wake up from. Not the mumblings of insanity. That dark in your eyes will paint my fears for the rest of for forever. The simplicity of hate is awe inspiring. The death wishes are much easier than what I truly yearn for; an acknowledgement of what was done, what you stole and an apology. This won't heal me but I just want to know you feel this like I do. I don't want to be alone in my suffering.
The waves crash against the dock as I watch the sun set. I breathe in the fresh year and think that I finally found my home. My heart has belonged to the lake since I was a baby. I’ve never felt safer at any place in my life. Whenever things get rough, the pictures I worked so hard on bring me back to the ground. The orange-yellow sky as I sit on a bench by the shore. The people walking their dogs or holding hands with significant others fade. The only thing I see is the water, reflecting everything around me. I’m in love. The lake is the strongest love I’ve ever experienced. Every moment I’m not there is wasted. I think about it constantly, the memories of past visits playing in my mind like a movie. My father walking in after a two-hour bike ride, ready to eat the dinner prepared by his parents. The taste of corn on the cob we had nightly still lingers in my mind. Watching the boats pass by with my family, still whole. The day my world fell apart tainted the lake just a little, but nowhere near as tainted as the place I lay my head tonight. Seeing my sister fall, seeing her give up and watching as she puts herself back together leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. His face in my face as he takes everything I never gave him, as he shatters me, colors everything I touch in this dead-end state. His tooth gap haunts every thought. The lake calls as all of this floats in my mind. It calls me every day, asking me to return to its warm embrace. I think of the freedom I will soon feel. I think of the new memories I will make; all the things I’ll accomplish away from the darkness I feel now. I never knew one place could carry so much. I never realized that I could find a forever home, one that I found before I needed it. I feel the water on my feet, as I stand looking out at the mountains, smiling and feeling the weight of the world leaving my shoulders. I have carried so much for so long. It is finally time to feel the lightness I’ve so desperately desired. His hands will never cross my mind again, his knife will no longer twist in my side. The self I lost will always remain lost, but I will finally start over. I will finally rebuild my life, in the place that has been calling. The waves crashing against the dock are the voice bringing me home. It’s time to listen to their call. I’m finally going home.