Search the Community
Showing results for tags 'eating disorder'.
Found 3 results
For eight months total, the guy who was deployed (DS) still kept talking to me here and there, never giving up. Asking again if he could see me when he came home for military leave. This stressed me out so much because as much as I liked him, I was too ashamed to meet him in person. I didn't want him to see me. Or know me, for real. I didn't want to be taken advantage of again. Or him regret meeting me. Worse, I didn't want him to like me still for some reason and I end up ruining his life in one of the millions of ways I thought possible already. He must have told his father about me (!!) because his dad ended up messaging me and telling me he wanted to do a surprise welcome home at the airport, and his son would really want me to be there. I struggled with this so much. I wanted to go. In my heart, I wanted to be there. I just didn't feel like I had the right to be there. I didn't feel worthy. My cousin ended up talking me into going and took me. I stood all the way in the back, behind everyone. When he spotted me, he came over, gave me the flowers he had in his hand and hugged me. I was so nervous. We spent our time together talking, eating comfort food and watching the food network together. I didn't want it to end. I felt so safe with him. He was a marine so I knew he had training in defense and I just felt so completely secure, which was a brand new feeling for me. He ended up asking me to be his date to his dads wedding, which was about a week into his trip home (they decided to do it while he was home so he could be a part of it). I accepted for some reason! I had a wonderful time. It didn't feel real to me. His family seemed so happy and full of a lot of nice, loving people. I didn't feel like I belonged at all. But he and I grew closer. It scared me. So after all this, it was time for him to go back to his base across the country. And I was really sad about it. I actually truly felt safe and secure with him. I never knew what that felt like before. I could let my guard down and feel like I didn't have to look over my shoulder when I was with him. I was beside myself when I was alone again. I also thought he would stop talking to me any day. But we remained talking, every day now-multiple times a day. I have no idea what he saw in me. At this point, when it came to the person who tormented me, I was basically cooperative. So in these situations, I would basically take myself to be used. Or "willingly" go with him. I didn't want to be terrorized anymore with being held against my will for however long. This way I could give him what he wanted, which at this point I just knew what to do to get him to be satisfied with it so he wouldn't like force me to do more. If I just played the part he wanted me to play, it could be painless, right? Or as painless as it can be in its own fucked up way. It never lasted for more than two days at this point. Probably because he had kids and couldn't get away with being absent as much. I knew he had kids because his car had car seats and toys. I remember a toddler shoe. That pierced my soul because it reminded me he was just a normal guy to everyone else. He was just a husband, a dad. But to me, he was a fucking monster. He threatened to hurt people I loved. Kill me or my "boy toy." Which I assumed was my friend (DJ) I always hung out with before who ended up taking sex from me also...or maybe even DS, but I mean I know that wasn't likely because he lived in another state. How could he even do that? But I mean I didn't ever imagine he would be capable of doing the things he did to me, so a part of me was still nervous what he would be capable of if he was angry enough. So I was regularly giving him what he wanted from me. It was just the only option I felt I had back then. I didn't want anyone to be hurt because of me. I definitely didn't want anyone to know anything, I was so humiliated! I think he started using the "I will kill your brother/grandma/friends" threat more when he realized it didn't affect me as much when he threatened to kill me anymore. I just didn't care. I hoped he would sometimes. I even asked him to. I guess that was when he flipped the script. It was the same thing every time he used me though there in the end. Drugs, whatever sex he wanted or whatever he wanted to record or if he wanted me to do it with someone else. I was just a sex slave pretty much. I don't even know what this was or what it's considered. I truly felt like a sex slave though. I don't really know how else to describe it. He would make me do things on camera for "people". I don't know how it all worked back then. But he would make me do things alone while he recorded and told me what to do or record himself doing things to me. Sometimes in hotel rooms. That I drove myself to... I was so disconnected from everything at this time I didn't even react to sex except with pleasure. He Made me feel so much shame for that. Beat it into my head that no one would ever believe anything if I said I didn't want it. There was video proof I would be lying, he said. How could I argue that? I couldn't. Anytime I reflect on this I just hear him saying "nobody will ever want you" over and over. One of these times I was with him, after I returned home I noticed DS had messaged me a few times. A few missed calls. I wasn't allowed to have my phone whenever I did these things with him (he would smash them if he saw it, so I just left them at home) so I didn't even know he was trying to get a hold of me until I returned home. The messages seemed worried (it had only been one evening) First, because he thought I was done speaking to him. Second, because he was actually having a bad gut feeling I was in danger (I guess he had that intuition). So I contacted him, telling him I was so sorry, I had to replace my phone... It broke my heart to have to lie to him and that alone made me want to run from him to save him, but he seemed to care about me and I don't know why!! He really truly cared about my well being and respected me. I didn't have the heart to stop talking to him. He told me this made him realize how deep his true feelings were for me. And that's when he started asking me to come to the state he was stationed in to be with him. I, of course, hesitated at first because that was just too much. But each time I had to have sex when I didn't want to, I would fantasize about moving away across the country. It seemed impossible to me. So out of this world. I was also doing what I was doing with this person who was threatening me, and I didn't feel right. I didn't feel faithful, so I didn't feel worthy. I never wanted to do these sexual things. Although I did orgasm, I didn't want to do these things with him or anyone else. But it still made me feel dirty, like I was unfaithful to someone who was committed to me somewhat. I hesitated for months. I didn't know what I would be expecting. I was so scared of so many things. DS came back to visit for Christmas. He noticed I had an eating disorder this visit. I purged everything I ate the entire time he was home. I don't know why he didn't run from me. He also bought me a new phone because I was paranoid about using my other. He told me he wanted me to come back with him. I said I couldn't. I didn't understand what he possibly saw in me. The idea of leaving though became intoxicating. I was sick of being forced to do things I didn't want to do. Sick of being a joke, used for everyone to see every part of me. Violating my bodies trust with pleasure and pain. I was exhausted. Just a side note, I was always getting checked medically. Condoms were used that I remember during the assaults, but I was out of it sometimes so I'm not sure about all the time...I wasn't completely ravaged but I did deal with one std...But this was way before I ever did anything with DS. Anyways, less than a month later, he left again for his base. DS asked me yet again to move with him and stay for a while. I knew I was going to have to be humiliated again soon, and probably not too long after that. I decided I was going to go. Just that quick. Up and go. It was the best thing I ever did. I got my plane ticket, and flew out west! When I landed, he picked me up and took me back to this apartment that he just furnished. He had my favorite color lamp shades and kitchen towels. It's making me cry now thinking about it. I didn't understand how or why I deserved this treatment. He was/is seriously amazing to me. I probably tell him this every day, if not multiple times. I don't know why I was blessed with him but I was. He saved my life. I don't think he will ever truly know to the extent in which he saved me. I really don't think I would be alive today. Unfortunately, soon after moving there, I became really depressed. The weight of everything really fell on me and I fucking freaked out. I felt like I lied to DS all this time, but there was just no way I would ever tell him anything. I was insanely paranoid my grandma would be killed or something. I just had no idea what to expect, but I knew I had to leave or I would be dead when he was done with me. Luckily DS was working during the day because I was a mess around then. Picked myself up when he came home but he knew I was struggling. I started trying anything at all to try to get out of this funk and nothing was really working. One day he came home from work and we drove to this place in the middle of the desert; a small building with what looked like a warehouse size building beside it. It was the humane society and he brought me there to pick a pet to keep me company. That's when I adopted my first cat, who is laying with me right now as I type this. She still provides me comfort. I think he just always knew exactly what I needed when I needed it. He respected my space when it came to everything. He is so patient and loving. We ended up getting married eventually (going on 7 years). I fell head over heels for him. I feel safe with him. Secure. For the first time in my life. We ended up moving back to our home state before our first son was born so when he was born, our family could meet him; more so DS's family. Although my home town brought a lot of painful memories to me, we moved back. I had paranoid thoughts at first and struggled with depression, but it faded some. I was here for years and started feeling normal, living my life. Being a mother and wife. Then everything came crashing into my life yet again in November of 2019. I was walking down the aisle at the grocery store as I naturally started looking at the person who was at the end of that aisle. As I stepped closer I thought "ew that looks like...oh my god that's him. He's here. What if he sees me?" And I had to walk past him because there was nowhere else for me to even go the way this store was laid out (unless I wanted to run out of the entrance I just walked into and I wasn't even sure the door would open that way for me!) It was all happening so fast. So many thoughts all at once. I don't know what compelled me to look at him. Just my own morbid curiosity I guess. He was stuck there and his eyes were wide and like bulging. He knew it was me. I kept going and went to the checkout and as I was leaving I noticed he was just now leaving the first aisle by the entrance. So weird. Almost like he was avoiding me as much as I was avoiding him. Now I'm scared to go places alone again. I have paranoid thoughts about leaving. Although it's winter and I usually am naturally a homebody, I have become reclusive and almost never leave the house unless I have to. I feel much safer at home. My husband makes me feel protected. We do have a weapon or two for protection, cameras, and a security system. So this is my safe haven and I want to stay here for now. Sometimes I feel like I should come forward to tell everyone who he truly is. What he's capable of. Because in the back of my mind, I've always had fears he would have killed me. If not me, then maybe someone. Or he could hurt someone else the way he did me. I don't know. I feel so much guilt. I know he lost his job and license to be a teacher anywhere. That may limit his easier access, but who knows what life he leads. He was obviously violent and had humiliating fantasies. I just don't know why after all he ruined of my life, why I have to feel responsible to dedicate even more of my life centered around him. It isn't fair. So I decided to fake my death and move on. It is hard. But everyone knowing the humiliation and him still not being able to be held legally accountable, I'm sure, would have crushed me beyond repair I think. I don't want him to completely annihilate me. I want to now live for ME. I also couldn't admit these things out loud. It's still too hard to admit this was all real. I can't even have social media accounts because I'm too paranoid. Even worse now that I'm a parent. I guess I can sleep nowadays without waking up freaking out like someone is standing there, but this is still looming over me way more than I would like. I'm horrified even writing it all out. I know I'll have to read this again and I'm terrified. I should be writing this out because it's a release from bottling it up for years. It's a way to get it out of me somewhat. But this also makes my thoughts so real it's really hard to come to terms with. If anyone I know were to read this I don't know how I would feel. The unknown scares me so much. I'm reverting to my severe symptoms of ptsd again. I find myself sitting and staring off for like an hour before I realize I'm even doing it. Just so consumed with thoughts. I really hope this can help me. I need help. I never felt like I could be believed with what all he did to me. I actually still don't and that's why I am terrified you're reading this. If you've somehow made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read my story. But a large part of me hopes you didn't read it this far I hope this helps and doesn't make me obsess over deleting it! sam
And so it begins. Still young, yet innocence begins to fade. One little girl struggling to exist to understand to find her place, her frustration overwhelming. Beth takes her overwhelming emotions, and pours them out over Lorettia. Lorettia is smaller, weaker, unable to fight back, the perfect receptacle for Beth's overwhelming emotions, frustration and anger. At first it's verbal only, shouting, mean words. Quickly it escalates. A smack, a slap, arms wrenched. Lorettia runs, tries to escape. Again and again. 8, 10, 12. Words exchanged. Beth learns to swear, continues to grow stronger. Lorettia is small, fierce in her own way, she tries to use words to hurl back, to stand up. She calls Beth the devil. Beth explodes, cursing, raging. Two girls, still little but with big hurts. By now Lorettia runs at the first sign of anger. How fast can she go? Will she make it to safety this time, bathroom door locked? Or will Beth catch her, smash her head into the wall, wrap her hands around her throat? A cycle is cemented. Two sisters play, have fun. Tension lies beneath the surface. Lorettia never knows when Beth will switch. Good, good, good, explode. Sometimes the tension of the good and waiting is too much. Lorettia pokes at Beth, just to get the explosion over with. 10, 12, 14. Dawn is still there, but still separate. from the world for two. Beth and Lorettia, entwined. They keep each others secrets, closest but oh so dangerous. Lorettia stops eating, struggle with friends at school. Her one friend, her closest bestie, leaves her. Lorettia tries a new group, maybe here she will fit? Boys form a line, "No body likes you, they just pretend, go away." Alone. School hurts, home hurts, church hurts. Always alone. Any attention, good or bad, Lorettia is desperate. Violence escalates. Beth makes a mistake. She doesn't realize Dad is home. Smashes Lorettia into the pantry cupboard. Lorettia hits the ground, dazed. Dad's chair smacks upright. What? Beth freezes. Dad sends her to her room. Lorettia feels a sliver of hope, Daddy knows, maybe now she'll be safe. Nothing changes. Not for better. Beth amps up. More careful now. Lorettia knows it'll never stop. Nothing will change. Only hope is to do everything Beth asks, and run as fast as possible. She learns how to figure out if she has a concussion, and keep herself awake when she does. This is life. Two girls trapped in the cycle. 12, 14, 16. The littlest girl. Lorettia is still small. Middle School. Cigarettes and alcohol. Diet Pepsi and carrots are lunch. Small, but not small enough. New friends. Good and bad. Home is the same. Beth is stronger, more violent. Rapid cycles. We don't know it yet, but ADHD has been joined by bipolar. No one recognizes the signs. Beth is flying high and low, bad choices, overwhelming emotional swings. Lorettia receives it all. One time Lorettia is fast enough, locks the bathroom door. Sits on the counter, panic attack, fear. Beth smashes the door, the crack of wood is deafening. Both are shocked. Beth disappears. Lorettia shakes, what if that door was me? 14, 16, 18. The last year all three are at home. Dawn is in college, even more separate than before. Beth still full of ravaging emotions, no way to regulate. Either through the roof happy or in the pit down. Anger reigns in both. Lorettia enters high school. First real boyfriend. He's bipolar. Any intimacy equals him hitting, hurting himself. Lorettia starts to cut. Depression overwhelms. There seems to be no way out of the unhealthy cycle. Everyone struggles, no where feels safe. Everything is out of control. Eating and cutting provide control for Lorettia, a place where she inflicts the pain, punishes herself for every wrong word said, any perceived imperfection. Dawn goes away for college. Mom and Dad leave for a cruise with Grandma and Grandpa. Beth and Lorettia (17, 15) left at home alone. Panic, fear. In desperation Lorettia goes to the school counselor. Suicidal. Gets admitted to the psych ward. Safe. What a crazy place to be safe. Lorettia is able to relax. Her counselor is unimpressed, doesn't think Lorettia belongs there, she doesn't understand the danger at home, alone with Beth. 16, 18, 20. Dawn is still away at college. Beth has moved out to live with a boyfriend. Just Lorettia and her parents. Relief, but now she is stuck in her habits. Starving, cutting, so addictive, they let her feel something. She dances now, another release, but healthy. Changes friends at school, to a better crowd. Less drinking, no mind games, no mental abuse. Change. Graduation. Lorettia is 17. Still mostly innocent, having kissed and made-out, but not more with boys. She quits drinking. Works for a year. Then off to college (18). Free, she slowly begins to learn to trust, one friend close, a few a little less. Healing starts. Still locks her dorm room door 24/7 trying to feel safe. Even though no one is hurting her now.
Does anybody else have problems with their body? I remember the weeks after I was raped I would look in the mirror and stare at myself. Picking out every single flaw I thought was one. I never did this before, I always thought I was pretty in a modest way. I was happy, ya know? But then after, it's like all of that changed. And too this day, I can't look in the mirror and see that happy little girl I used to be. She's gone. That pretty girl? She's a monster now. I hate it, a lot. I spend hours finding new ways to hate myself, because at the end of the day I think it's my body's fault, my fault, for what happened to me.