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  1. So, it's been a few days, almost a week really, since my last venting via blog. I was feeling so much like I am failing my niece and nephew. Like the stress of all of this getting to me and why can't it just be like when they were little. When they were preschool age it was easy to motivate them. I had fuckin energy to spare. Wtf happened!?! Just really judging the eff outta myself, ya know? But, here's the thing... I'm not the same person I was back then, and neither are they. I have been getting down on myself for not being able to somehow replicate a whole team of teachers an
  2. So, the past month has been kindof an exercise in how much stress I can handle. My niece and nephew started school. They have a hybrid model, so they are home two days/week and in person three days. At first I was super concerned about them being exposed to other kids at school and bringing home whatever cold is going around. But now I'm kinda at the point where I just need a break. They have just absolutely forgotten a whole bunch of social skills and somewhere in the last 6 months they just quit caring what I think. Like where I used to just be able to give a disapproving look, now
  3. I just woke up from a "nap" (I fell asleep at 6, woke up at 9:30) feeling incredibly sad. I went in to my roommates bed and laid down next to him and told him I was feeling depressed and he asked me why but I found myself having trouble communicating, which happens often for me. I told him I wasn't sure why I was feeling that way but I think I have a pretty good idea of why. A lot of has happened in this last week. In my prior posts I talked about staying at my moms, at my roommates (ex boyfriends) request but I came home on Monday and now I am back in my apartment. First, I found it hard to a
  4. Well, it’s Wednesday. I’m tired today. I was up late last night and early this morning and I’m ready to go back to my cozy bed and sleep away the rest of the week. Honestly, I haven’t blogged because there’s been nothing to blog about. Everything in my life is just heavy right now. There’s been little good and lots of bad and I just want to post something worth reading. That likely won’t happen today. I guess this blog will be a catch-up session. Since the last blog I posted was about my suicide attempt, I feel I owe everyone an update. I DID post a different blog after that one, but
  5. My ex and I called off our wedding nearly two years ago. Before I met her I truly believed that I would never be able to have an intimate relationship. With her help I moved forward and I had hopes and plans for my future instead of looking back on my past. I'd learned to manage my triggers. Then everything came crashing down. For once, it had nothing to do with my past trauma and I think that almost made it worse. My entire future was planned around one person. Believe me, I know that's not healthy but at the time it didn't matter because I'd convinced myself that's what you did when you got
  6. It's june already.. my birthday just around the corner.. i don't know what to do.. how to deal with my trauma... i was raped a week after my birthday.. my trauma already come out and haunted my days.. i don't have anyone to talk to.. imsomnia .. depression.. I don't wanna talk to my family.. they don't even believe me.. how will i cope with this situations.... 😭😭😭 Lately i can't sleep.. i feel worthless.. useless.. i hate my self... i can't do this.. Anyways.. i don't have others choice .. i need to struggle.. no one will help me.. only me.. myself.. To everyone that on
  7. Dear Survivors, I am 26 years old. I suffered sexual abuse most of my childhood. I used to stare at the ceiling and just imagine being somewhere else when I laid on his bed being violated. That was my mental escape. I had gotten used to it so I never shed tears anymore. I just accepted it as being part of my life. I used to write journals as a method of helping me cope. I had a long list of questions some of which were: Why did you do it? Why me? Wasn’t your wife enough? What did I do to deserve it? I felt guilty. I felt ashamed. I was disappointed, angry and scared. The r
  8. Urm.. i don't what to say.. but i guess i need help.. 😢 i need someone... listen to my story.. how hurts i am.. i just can't take it anymore.. i have no one to talk to.. about what happen to me.. 😢😢 Even my family don't believe me.. i don't know who else to believe... i never ask to be rape.. i never ask that... 😢 but no one listen to me... they put blame on me.. I hate myself.. i hate my life.. 😢 i live with trauma and depression.. and it's getting worse.. i do self harm... to getting rid of that feelings... 😢 I don't know what else to do.. i feel like wanna die.. wanna run a
  9. Hello! This is my first time writing on a forum, so I hope I don't sound too much like a newbie! According to my therapist and life experiences, I have a severe case of complex trauma.***So Trigger Warning*** I was raped and sexually abused starting at a young age and leading into my early 20's by people who I trusted, for a span of probably 15 years, but was never believed (victim-blamed) by friends, family, my church, and the school I was attending. To say the least, I had no desire to live and no one cared. Carrying these burdens while trying to manage daily life struggles a
  10. Lonelyladybug

    Im broken

    I've had a difficult life so far. When i was eight i started to show the dirst signsof depression but of cpirse, my family didn't notice. They didn't notice a lot. When i was eleven i was raped and i kept it to myself for years because i was ashamed and i didn't want anyone to know. I dealt with the depression shame and disgust of my own body by myself. I Iet it destroy me so that it didn't destroy anyone else. At 12 my father started to sexually abuse me as well aa emotionally and mentally. He accused me of things i would never do and it's still happening to this day. At 14 i suffer
  11. After silence

    Me

    Still crying.. can't get over it.... and i'm trying my best to forget it.. to move on.. Still think about suicide.. how to end it all...how to get rid of this feelings.. But somehow still manage to smile .. laugh... jokes with others.. While at 3 a.m .. 😭😭 I'm all alone.. 😢 and think.... i don't wanna live anymore.. this isn't fair.. why no one get it?? Why people put blame on me?? It's not like i wanna get that things happen to me! Why no one ever considered it.. never ask me how i feel..how i ever survive this depression anxiety all this things... I don't care ho
  12. You need to get over it... Thats what i get when i told my parents about my mental and health issues.. about my trauma and depression.. Thats all.. i need to get over it by myself.. i don't need help.. i'm gonna be fine.. 😊 what's the point i tell them about my problems.. when they don't even care?? Well.. am i really gonna be fine?with this trauma? Depression? And anxiety?
  13. The wall and the mask that i made up… Start to crumbling down.. It start to breaking into pieces… And i'm afraid of it… I'm no longer myself.. i already try the best…. But i know it hard… to be strong again… I started to lose it.. Nightmare? Depression? Trauma? Anxiety.. Bulimia... i can't afford it anymore.. I can't.. Faking my smile.. faking my laugh.. faking everything…why? Why do i need to do this.. why do i need to be someone that i'm not… Why do i need to impress everyone.. They don't even care I wake up 3 am everyday.. i'm crying a lot.. i do self
  14. Somehow.. tonight i feel kinda empty I feel like losing my ownself.. feel like wanna give up wanna end my life..
  15. After silence

    Alone

    I'm all alone... Friends? I dont have it.. actually i have.. a lot of friends.. but they just exist when they need something from me 😂 But i feel happy with my life now.. being alone are good and awesome.. i dont need to think about others.. their feelings.. are they okay or not.. coz they never even care.. about me.. so yeahh.. the hell with it.. 😭😢 actually i do care.. i love all of my friends... but they didnt.. why should i have this kind of feeling.. i hate all of this.. Kinda hating being alone.. but life is bitches.. so yeahh accept it Be strong dearself!
  16. After silence

    Nightmare

    Its just another nightmare... i dream about it again.. i can see clearly his face... i can barely feel his touch... its make me sick! How can i survive like this... whenever i see my reflection on mirror... i cant see me.. the real me.. i only see the other part of me.. 😢😢😢😢
  17. After silence

    Cut

    Last night... I got depressed.. and cut my hand several times... lucky it doesnt blood so much.. and its not that hurt... I feel relieved and getting better after i cut my hand.. And now.. like nothing bad happen 😊 i'm smiling
  18. Everything I do is pointless. I can hear sirens screaming from the streets outside. Whirling past my house-back and forth. All night. Every night. Most nights I can't help but wish they were for me. Not because anything awful was done to me-- God knows I don't want that again. But because I finally did something awful to myself. That for once I did something that wasn't. I could do a million things. And I would never change. I could be the polar opposite of what I am now and I would still hate myself. I just can't help it. And to work to fix it just feels irrelevant. Inconsequentia
  19. This summer has been quite eventful for me. I completed my first college class (English 110/ Composition I) in the spring semester and got an "A". I then took English 111 (Composition II) this summer and just got my grades and found out that I passed with another "A". Both classes I doubted my abilities and constantly worried that I wasn't doing a good enough job. Others kept telling me that I was doing fine and that there was nothing to worry about. Every paper, every assignment was the same. I'd work hard on it, but never felt like it was good enough when I turned it in and then would wait a
  20. After silence

    Survive

    Its been 2 years.. i still cant forget it. I still live in nightmares.. i'm depress.. i'm struggling.. every day... I still hate my self.. i still cant accept it. The things you have done .. leaves me with scars... i dont like memories... i hate to remember it again.. i hate to shed a tear.. I left today hating what you have done to me.. you dont just took something from me.. you took everything.. every single of me.. Every time i showered.. i cry.. i still can see what you have done.. your hands are imprinted on me... your voice still lingers in my ear.. still pounding in my
  21. After silence

    Trauma

    Trauma? Feels like you want to end your life ??
  22. I'm good at faking smile... 😊 why? Because with that i know i'm getting stronger. I dont need people to keep asking me "are you okay?" No.. because whatever happen i'll never be okay.. I'm done. I'm tired. I just need my space.. my time to be alone.. i just want to be alone. I know i'll neved getting better.. i just keep faking everything . Faking my smile my laugh my appearence.. its bettter than crying out loud but no one listening .. no one ever care.. their just keep saying... "its all your fault" its okay.. i used to live my life like this.. im fine...
  23. rsilver15

    Nature/nurture

    I've been feeling depressed lately. In the true, medical sense of things - I feel chemically imbalanced; fatigued, hopeless, withdrawn, with a physical feeling of heaviness, sadness, that I can't shake off. I start to cry over nothing, I constantly stifle inner dialogues that go something like "this will never get better," "it could, it will, maybe"..."no one loves you," "yes, they do.". I may be off about this - I haven't had my neurotransmitters tested lately, but I feel like this is a different kind of depression that what I feel in regards to my past experiences, trauma, etc. It's har
  24. I've always imagined what my life would be like if I were never raped. I made a list, once. I wrote down every single thing I wish I was, that I knew be if that never happened. And then I wrote down everything I was because of it. It was a long list. I felt disgusted with myself and who I have become. I thought of the people in my life who are happy and optimistic. I thought about how envious I was of their ability to see the good in people and the good in life. I looked in the mirror and just felt disgusted with myself. I was disgusted with who I had become. I'm so pessimistic and negat
  25. I feel like I'm in the middle of the ocean. The cold, bitter ocean. Alone. I see ships pass by and planes fly over and I call out. But no one hears me. No one stops to help me. I'm trying--really hard to stay afloat. I'm viciously kicking in the water. I'm flailing, desperately just trying to survive. I'm going under. Sinking below the surface deeper into the waters below. It's dark and it's freezing and I'm alone. I'm gasping for air and my lungs are filling with water. I'm exhausted. I can't swim anymore. My legs are weak and my muscles are sore. Every movement feels like my lim
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