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O feel so tired and so overwhelmed like I don’t know what to do anymore I know I’ve said it before but this feeling keeps getting stronger and stronger and every day gets harder and harder my mom keeps calling and messaging me and she keeps saying sorry. To be honest FUCK her appoligy I don’t want her to appoligize!! I’m so tired of everyone saying how all these people need me! FUCK MAN WHAT ABOUT ME!! What about what I need. To be honest I don’t even know what I need. I feel like I’m falling off a very y’all Clift but falling so slowly so I can feel all these stupid emotions and it sucks really bad. I’m tired of fighting I’m tired of always being the strong person I’m tired of having to take care of everyone else cause at the end of the day who is gonna take care of me?? NOBODY!!! I’ll still be in the same boat but just forced to take every minute of my life. I know I’m in a really rough patch right now and what I want to happen isn’t going to happen its just a figment of my imagination. It’s just gonna cause more problems then what I have already created. I hate so many people. I hate myself for feeling so afraid all the time!! It’s FUCKING ANNOYING!!!!!
Hey, I feel like I am going to be typing a letter I hate opening my post with hey. UGH. But I feel as I must as I am new. Well I am not new to this healing shit, I am new to this site. I have been battling my healing process for sometimes now. Lets see I am 30 *Yikes* my abuse started when I was 5 for fucks sake I was 5. So yeah been at this a while. I have DID. EEEEKKKKK just kidding don't be scared I am harmless. I like to joke and have fun oh MOST of my post will have cuss words SORRY that's why I use a TRIGGER take care of you!
I feel people can only love and tolerate one "version of me". The Lady Boss. The happy, supportive, random/spontaneous, quick, straight-forward girl that will tell you what's up. The girl who appears in control, confident and quite dominant. The girl many men feel threatened by and others chase after because they can't have her. You know this girl with the tucker mouth, but who is insanely intuitive, intelligent, nerdy, with a loud laugh seeming like a cackling hyena. She's not afraid of anything and believes in people. She sees beauty in the smallest things, appreciates art and music. I can accept all of this girl's faults and short-comings. The other girl... the broken-down, depressed, wandering ghost and shell of a person. I hate her. No one likes her, not even me. She's depressed, quiet and feels better alone. She feels hurt extremely easily and is easily startled or frightened. She's a scared caged animal that's been beaten down and abused. The OTHER girl above believes everything she's been through has helped shaped her into a unique, bright, fighter of an individual and made her a better person. This ghost-girl can't let go of the past and wanders in terror into the depths of her racing mind. If I tell close friends who know the Lady Boss, about ghost-girl - they seem to fall away. I'm ghost-girl today and I feel so alone. I was ghost girl yesterday, too. Alone. Which one is me? Both? Do they fight? How could ghost-girl possibly win?
I heard somewhere that writing is supposed to help heal. When nothing else makes sense, it never hurts to put your thoughts somewhere. Shall I start about my day from the beginning? This morning I was talking to someone who prefers to hide themselves. A defense mechanism if you will. He said, "Sometimes it's easier just to wear the masks people give you." Rather than allowing people "in" to see the real you. He's a capable person and a unique thinker. I like unique thinkers. Once before... I think it was last week or so he told me that he doesn't trust people because he knows what he's capable of himself and it scares him to think what other people are capable. I don't know much more about him, other than a few things I picked up. He hides well. We joke a lot. I became really good friends with these 2. I mean, the other guy was more of a proxy friend because he knows "Dos", we'll call him. Anyway the beginning of my day was much better than the usual. It was painful, but beautiful. I found that you can share what has happened to you with some people. I told a different friend I've known for much longer. I got a lot of support. Even "you have no reason to be sorry. I'm here for you. You're amazing. Don't let them ruin you." - I was shocked because we have more of one of those silly joking friendships? Basically, we're always bullshitting. I was honest about one part. I still don't know if I trust him. This is soooo screwed up but his face kind of reminds me of HIS face and that makes me not trust him as well as I have a hard time trusting men to begin with. Back what's been bothering me. I walked by a room with "Dos" and "GG" and I was late, but I heard them talking while I was setting my purse down. I wasn't eavesdropping. I was supposed to be there. In fact I heard "GG" say, "Where is our crazy female friend anyway?' and then he said "Would you rather c*m on her face or her ass?" and then something about them being one and the same. "Dos" says "Well if they're one and the same, does it really matter?" - "GG" says, "Well if you had to choose. Her ass or her face?" "Dos" says, I'd prefer the face. "GG" Do you think she has a nice ass?" Dos answers "It's ok. I'd rather on her face though." I froze. Then I grabbed my purse and stormed out. Dos texted saying that they weren't talking about me if that's what I thought. My immediate response was "Like hell you weren't. You're scum. I'm disgusted." - Blah blah he said something about how I was his friend and some other random passive aggressive crap. What am I supposed to think? EVEN IF (I highly doubt) they weren't talking about me, why would I want to hear them talk about someone like that? I realize men can be insensitive and talk to each other about women like this. it still makes me sick to my stomach. I thought they were my friends? Relatively new friends. It's not a big loss. It's they're loss. Why? Because I'm one of the most bad ass b!tches you'll ever meet. Regardless of what has happened to me or what I've been through. I'm still right here and keeping faith in Humanity. I want to so badly believe in people, but the things I enjoy put me in place where I'm constantly reminded I'm female and a lot of men feel like I'm "imposing" on their space. Like I don't deserve to be there. Someone once told me I have to have thick skin. Yeah, I can take the regular old shit talk back and forth like a pro. I'm tired of sexist pigs and I'm really starting to think men are like this. You put them in a room... Oh god, I hope I'm not being sexist. >.< Ever accidentally hear men having a conversation about women they know together? I know women talk, too... but it's not on the same level. With personal friends we may share more personal details... Maybe I'm just clueless. I am no longer speaking to GG or Dos. As far as I'm concerned they are a part of scumbagcleave. I'm insensitive. So before I focus on all the negative of today... I think that L sharing his music with me was amazing as well as his support. I never thought I'd feel support about being raped from a man (sounds sexist I know) and I apologize to "good guys" reading it. L is kind of a big deal. Semi-famous... he also brought some other things to my attention. I'll write about it later when I want to sort through it. Has to do with about the kind of person I am. I need to see more than just the negative in every day. I felt lonely... I still feel extra lonely. I feel like I've lost 5 friends in the past 4 months. I talked to L. I enjoyed his demo. I'll run some games with him later. I'd like to write with him. I should tell him that, but don't have the balls. I haven't sang in forever. I showed my boss skills with making my script work. /dance This makes more work for me but I got a lot done today. Sometimes when people censor me... or tell me I can't say something I feel... violated? Don't censor me, bro. A girl needs her voice.