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Found 2 results

  1. Hi there. This is my first post. I found aftersilence after my therapist suggested I find an online community where I can post anonymously and connect with other survivors. I'm currently struggling with Complex PTSD symptoms and awakening to the fact that I was sexually abused by my teacher when I was 12 years old. The abuse happened repeatedly over the period of a full year. I repressed the whole thing for 11 years, and was suddenly hit with a flashback at the age of 23. I've struggled with my mental health since I was 18 and I'm just beginning to understand why. I now understand all of my mental health issues as symptoms of PTSD. I now understand that the reason I began withdrawing from the world at the age of 18 was because I was in a constant state of being triggered. Every where I go, and everything I do seems to end up triggering me somehow. When I'm triggered I dissociate, become numb, my muscles tense, I get a migraine, and I plunge into the depths of toxic shame and suicidal ideation. The simplest emotional connections with other human beings trigger me, and as a result I don't have any friends or any sense of love and belonging. I feel all alone, and I'm scared I'll never be able to form healthy relationships again. This is why I'm here, I hope through this anonymous online forum I can begin to ease my way into some form of human connection and communication that can be healthy and validating for me. I also hope to begin sharing my story, and with the help of the community find some sense of meaning as I work my way through it. At this point I still don't know how the story ends. My memories at this point are hazy, fragmented, and emotionally charged (particularly with shame) and slowly but surely new memories are resurfacing for me day by day. I know I have a long road ahead of me and I worry I don't have the courage to face the pain and make it through this. Thanks for reading my post and having me as a member of this community.
  2. Hi, I hope I can be helpful and understanding and be offered the same in return. It's hard being rejected when people you thought were friends ignore you after you reveal your experiences. Not sure if it is because of their own demons they don't want to face. Not all my friends have been like that, some are supportive, it's hard enough to put it all into words. "Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent." ~ Victor Hugo is so true. I trust so little, an anonymous forum like this feels safe. Plus psychiatric help is WAY too expensive. I come from a family of secrets, and am still under oppression of secrecy for reasons I cannot get into on an intro forum, all the while being geographically close to my family to help take care of a family member. I stay focused on my professional goals during the day I am very disciplined, yet I've been drinking and taking valium at night in secret, despite not suffering psychotic symptoms I had a little bit ago. Maybe staving them off? IDK. I've suffered multiple sexual assaults from being stupid and not knowing how to protect myself. I freeze or space out. Anyway, can someone help me with the avatar pic? No matter what I try to upload it fails. Thanks for reading. I'll keep reading your posts.
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