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I'm new to this site and haven't posted much but one thing I can tell you all is we are all damaged in one way or another . But another thing I have learned is when we let our abusers keep us from doing something with our friends or when they take a smile from us they are getting miles on us , and as long as we let them they will continue to take those miles away from us . There are people out there in this world that can't live with out hurting others in one way or another , there the ones taking our miles . My damage was done so long ago but recently started getting triggered . I almost missed some wonderful memories with my gran-kids because i was in the store and heard a man laugh . I didn't know that man but yet the man that had done what he did to me all those years ago was still getting miles on me . we have to just say stop . I know its not easy I have lived the nightmare for over 40 years , the triggers just bring more ugliness out . But I'm not letting him take any more from me . I know how it feels to be triggered but think about it , just stop and breath and let the moment pass . I'm sure there are a lot of you missing out on life . Take your life bake . See a therapist or counselor . don't live your life in fear and wake up 40 years later and realize the boogy men are all dead and you have been hiding from nothing . I know its real , trust me . from the age of about 4 until 11 or 12 I know how real it is . If this is offensive to anyone in anyway I'm sorry . I think we should all life each other up and hold each other up . We all get tired from standing so lean on each other , lean on me if you need to . I almost gave up and gave in . I have to much to live for and to much to offer my grand kids for that . I cant let my abusers take another mile , I'm taking them all back with a smile on my face and a happy song in my heart . Safe hugs to you how feel its okay .
2Siamese posted a blog entry in Random Blips of Light on the Radar of LifeNotice: Deliberately vague in specific areas for the purpose of anonymnity where you may find yourself in similar situations I received a phone call later in the evening on Thursday asking if I'd participate in our normal Friday evening activities. Would I be willing... That I cannot handle at the moment, because I do not have a full grasp of the ancient language fluidly enough not to freeze in front of everybody. I'm easing into this which under normal circumstances is out of everyone's comfort zones. It's not at all that I'm a perfectionist - we have a tendency to critique the delivery of this portion. I don't want to have PTSD stage fright and mess up everything else that should follow with other people. It is the uncertainty of inner conflict. If anxiety flares because I know my language skills in this arena are at the extreme novice level, I can prepare for this in the future. That is why I attend classes weekly as an adult. I'm making up for decades of lost time. What I was capable of doing without freaking out I had done before. Yes, please put me on the program for that. In a perfect world, which I know is never the case... changes were made on the fly. I was happy to do the changes even though it said something entirely different in print on the program. So, as our kind, tender, sage fearless leader came to me about the reading I asked him to gently prod with the nod of his head so I didn't mess this up or freak out. He smiled. He did just that. I also wasn't missing all other participants and their roles because I was assured and comforted beforehand. I heard everything instead of focusing on just my small part. That is what generally happens when I am uncertain and afraid. I focus on "my stuff" and miss everything else. This time... was different because I unwittingly asked for help and guidance! When my name was called, I exited the aisle and walked confidently to the podium. I drew in a quick breath and exhale as I picked up the microphone. My hands did not tremble as I held the program in the left from which I was to begin reading. Fluidly and clearly I read at an even pace these deep and meaningful words that are so beautiful. Slowly, my other training in broadcast media came back and I read the sentences ahead and was able to speak them back to the audience while making eye contact. These four paragraphs are about loss, good-byes, remembrances, love and memories. It speaks of not having to say good-bye but thanks because in our hearts and minds this... never leaves us. I was speaking... fluidly, cogently and eloquently for the love and memories of everyone in that place. Not just my own father. When I'd finished and walked back to my seat, a few others reached out their hands. And I knew... I had honored all of theirs -- flawlessly. WHERE FEAR CAME FROM Had I not had professional training to speak in very large groups in front of an auditorium decades earlier, none of this would have creeped into my mind. Not once. That training wasn't even my idea. It was a business environment and we were put through this exhaustive lengthy course because the business leaders in a different division believed technical teams were anti-social. "We did not speak the same language." The root of the anxiety was somebody else's opinion of me in a group --- and my obvious 'defects'. Those same business people had a tendency to call 24/7 and screaming when their stuff broke, so the capacity for me to do my job wasn't defective. They didn't like talking to tech people.
Hi everybody, hugs and Kisses. My name is Libay, short for Liberty, and I have been living in the States for the past 7 years. I am 33 and moved to the states when I was 26. 3 years ago, I married the love of my life.Yet it was just one year after my wedding that my life changed forever. Sadly, like many of you here, I am a victim but more importantly, I am a survivor. I must confess that when it came down to talking, in order to give information to the Police, I just couldn't. The shame, the humiliation,I found it difficult to even talk to my husband. Because of this, my attackers are still out there, and due to my cowardness, there may be other victims out there becasue the men who attacked me are not behind bars. I know and understand that this it is common for other victims to feel this way. no matter how calm, reassuring and sweet the Police Liason Officer is, it's just impossible to give any details face to face with her. At the same time, perhaps being a Filipina, maybe there are also cultural issues. I'm not saying as a Filipina I feel more humiliated than another victim of a different race, I guess one tends to find more comfort and understanding with the people the feel more attached to. I am in Philadelphia and on a locally based Crisis Centre for Women, there are actually two specific groups for Latino community, and a group for the Asian community. This made me realise that my feelings are most probably shared with other victims who may not be American. Anyway, that is a small introduction about me. Sorry no details. But i feel here, on a forum such as this, I can share more with you all in time. Much more than I could with my husband or the people that tried to get those animals behind bars. Libay