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Found 8 results

  1. My Foundation

    I'm trying to understand and come to accept that I truly only have a one real best friend. I'm also trying to understand and accept that I don't have a family. Yes, I have a family I was born into but I have never considered anyone my real family. I was so very different from all of them. I cry when I'm hurt, they don't. They see tears as weakness and I was verbally and physically abused because I cried and I cried because I was being bullied. I loved to draw, my birth mother considered this a means to profit off of and also forced me to draw for my abuser instead of it just letting it be my gift for me. I liked to dance when I was a kid, but when two adults and your younger family members gang up on you and tease you, it broke me. I rarely dance now. I liked to sing when I was younger, but my birth mother today me "shut the f*** up". I only sing by myself now. I was told by my birth mother to come and talk to her about anything. Any time I said the truth, particularly my sexual abuse, I got nothing or I got beat. I say birth mother or father because these are the people who gave birth to me but biology doesn't make them my real mother or father. Being loving to your child, protecting your child, building them up, supporting them, encouraging them in a positive manner. Those are qualities of a good mother and father. I was not loved, I wasn't protected, I was torn down, I was never supported or encouraged. Some say you had food, shelter, and clothes on your back. Monkeys provide more love to their children than some humans, mine included. I had a best friend, one that I loved more than anyone. Was there for her when her father died. When my grandmother (who was the only one to truly love me) died, she wasn't there, at all. Her mother treated me like a daughter, I lost her along with my former best friend. So what does my family look like, it's my wife. I speak of her so much because she is my best friend. Almost 12 years and she has given me more love then I have ever experienced before in my life. I have shared my complete past with her and she has loved me even more. I have been grateful and unworthy of her love. But, I know she is all I have. I know what love is logically, but this relationship is the first time I've experienced true love since I was a child. So, she is my family. The only one I recognize...ever. One thing I look forward to are true, honest, loyal, loving friends. I can't wait to meeting them...
  2. The first time

    My cousin Chavo was 14 and I was 5.Him and I were left alone at home at night.I touched his genitals and made out. Almost got caught by his older brother Omar so he stuffed me under his covers I remember smelling his penis. Then hearing Omar step down the stairs. I don't remember anything after that...the next day he tickled me as usual but remember loving him so much. I would fantasize about him kissing my neck on top of my bed. I remember the Minnie mouse sheets and me wearing my favorite outfit it was a white skirt and top with a gold chain belt with a heart in the middle. Another cousin • Age 5 Carlos was a year older then me and asked me to undress in the bathroom if not he would not play Nintendo with me so I did it and that was that. Next day same thing but we kissed this time and got caught by his dad. No one else found out. • Age 6-13 made out in secret and performed hand jobs. I remember falling in love with him.
  3. my struggle

    Hello everyone.I am new here .I wanted to share what happened to me when i was very little.I don't remember my exact age when it happened , but i am sure i was less than 6 year old. My memory is still little fuzzy as i was very young , but i remember what happened very clearly . I don't remember how i got there , but i do remember what happen and it still haunts me. i wish i could forget but i can't . I was raped/molested/abused (i don't know what to call it) 2 times by two different men(assholes). For a long time i thought whatever happened was my fault ,that i wanted those thing to happen . Maybe in some Conner of my mind i still think that it was my fault ,that i wanted those things to happen . I don't know . This is the first time i am sharing this with anyone. I have never told about it to anyone . I cry myself to sleep sometimes when images of that time get stuck in my head . I don't know what i can do to move on from this. It has been approx 18+ years to those incident.
  4. I Was 2 Years Old

    I was two years old when it all started. My Mom had just given birth to my very sick baby sister. Dad was stressed out. and i was the relief. I blame myself as most others do. and now that I'm finally an adult, I'm pressing charges.
  5. I'm New

    Hello I'm new here. I'm a stay at home mom of twin boys. I've only had two long term sexually abusive experiences. One by father and the other by my husband. I'm still married to him, and we work at getting past the pain everyday.. but most of the time.. I don't know how to get over it or get past it. I hope to find other women in similar experiences and share strength..
  6. Struggling To Get Use To Safety

    As of lately I feel more and more out of control. As if I can't get use to being safe. Its been 16 months since I've been away from all of the abuse and all I keep doing is wanting to go back to it. I feel as if I'm completely crazy. Or am I just so damaged that all my life can consist of is abuse to feel normal.. Some days I feel like a large part of me is missing because I'm no longer being abused. I'm unable to do anything anymore without second guessing myself. And I'm also finding myself wishing for someone to hit me or something. I mean what kind of sane person wants to go back to that abuse??? I was abused from the age of four (at least that is my earliest memory) till I was nineteen. Whats worse, at least in my eyes, is that it was multiple people (family, family friends, strangers..) and never once was i discovered. My entire existence slipped through the cracks. The two time CPS (child protective services) did get involved they dropped my case. First time was when I was maybe four or five, my bio mom (I will call her Lee), refused to allow them to talk to me. Now i don't know about everyone else in the world, but to me that would seem very odd to me and i would NOT just drop the case. But they did, so i never got help at the age. Had I been helped then I would have went through a whole lot less then I did. The second time I was in high school. It was my senior year, October or November maybe, and CPS got called again due to a flashback I had had that I written down to try to keep myself grounded being found . Well this caused a huge uproar. At the time I lived with my bio-father (who I will call Tim) and he was a very well known and highly respected man. You see he lived in a very small town where everyone knows your name. He was a Registered Nurse Practitioner whom ran a branch of a home health care services. So every one looked up to him and held him in high regards. He had only lived there for seven maybe eight years but his wife (whom i will call Jen) had grown up in this town her entire life. So when the police officer got to the school I was left alone with him. He proceeded to handcuff me and slam me against the wall exclaiming i better recant my "lies" or he would arrest me for making a false report. So of course I did. This how ever was not the end of it, when I got home I had been screamed at by Jen, and then screamed and beat by Lee and Tim.. I learned then that I was going to remain a "family secret" from then on out.. That is only mild for me, for what I have suffered. But in the end I still miss it. And to me that makes me feel like I'm maybe asking for it and that maybe I deserved what I got. So all I want to do is apologize all the time for whatever it is I did to deserve all this..
  7. Something For Me

    Today I did something for me. I washed my hair, showered, cleaned my home, and exercised my body. This may not seem like a big deal to anyone else but this is coming from a person who previously couldn't get out of the bed. I look like a normal, healthy person but deep inside I'm a frightened little girl burying herself with food and using her fat as a shield. Today is different. Today I did something for me.
  8. I Have No Idea What Say?

    Hi im new to this site and dont know what to do or say? I guess I can just put why im here. I was abused by the man who was supposed to protect me for harm not the one to cause it. My father if I can call him that. My uncle sexual abused me from the age of 4 to 9 I never told my father as I was told he wouldn't believe me and I would get a beating for lying I believed it as I got beat for less. I never really got over my childhood and it showed into my teen years when I was 15 I sexual assaulted would of been rape if a woman hadn't heard me scream.I was told that talking to other victims may help me so I thought id give it a try.
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