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April 22, 2017. Prom night. It was supposed to be a fun and glamorous night...it ended up becoming one of my worst nightmares. The boy who I had feelings for , and whose friends had been trying to convince me to get into a relationship with took another girl even though we had been flirting en mass the weeks before ( it may have to do with the fact that I had rejected him for a relationship once before because I am scared of getting hurt anyway that doesn't really matter now) and during the actual I was shoved approximately 3 times because of the tightness of the space. My friend and I had planned on leaving early anyway because of a party that the boy mentioned above convinced me to go to ( My date a.k.a my close girl friend and I were just going to go explore the beach but then she wanted to meet up with a boy from work and I didn't want to sit lonely while they made out on the sand). The drive to the party I was incredibly tense, I am not sure why but I was just so stressed out and upset. Instantly when I got to the party, I took a shot and then another and then my friend and I went outside and we smoked a joint each. I still felt uneasy, so another shot and then a "Friend" thought it was funny so she had me do a shot of tequila, at this point I was just kind of walking around not really knowing what to do. Someone asked me to take pictures of them, and thats when I sort of felt the hit but I was trying so hard not to act like it and thats when things start to get fuzzy, I don't remember putting the camera down but the next thing I'm taking another shot from tequila girl. That's when things get really bad. I remember going to the bathroom and in my memory things were kinda dark and hazy. When I leave the bathroom, there is the boy standing at the breakfast bar of the kitchen. I don't remember walking up but I remember standing at the bar and talking to him, he offers me a drink from his polar pop, a mix of mountain Dew and vodka, I remember giving him a shot and then taking one myself. I think we kept talking, I am not sure how much time has past but I remember laughing and saying "I'm sooo drunk". Then I remember a person walking up to us and saying " are you gonna kiss her yet?", I know we kissed but I don't remember the feeling I just remember blackness. I'm not sure how much time passed but the next thing I remember is someone walking up and saying " you two are really cute but get a room" I know when they said this I opened my eyes but I couldn't make out the person, everything just seemed incredibly hazy and dark. The next thing I know we are in one of the back bedrooms, he is one top of me kissing me but all our clothes were still on. I hear knocking on the door, banging, I just laughed. But then a weird feeling came over me, almost like fear or nervousness but I just knew my head hurt and I couldn't really feel anything, I couldn't feel my body or feel his on top of mine, or I don't remember the feeling. I rolled him off me and just kept repeating "no, just lay down just lay down" then I remember going to sleep. The next thing I vaguely remember is someone saying "your mom is here" I tried sitting up and then fell things go back to black. I remember being in the car and my mom just scolding, as she rightfully should have. I get home, get into my jammies and go to sleep. The next day I was so upset with myself for getting so drunk, but I thought nothing had happened that I had slept and he had left me. This was unfortunately not the case. I had snapchatted him that morning asking what happened, his response? " do you really want to know?". That's when I started to freak out, my heart sank... no, this sweet innocent boy who was my friend couldn't have done what I think....I of course said I wanted to know and I got a cold reply " so long story short... I popped your cherry, the alcohol hit you like a bus and then you threw up and passed out". I almost threw up. I went into panic, I told him to call me but that just made it even worse. I was crying, in shock. I asked him why, and just kept saying you seemed fine and when I told him I didn't want to, he replied with " oh, i guess i can see why you would be upset but you know what happened happened and you should just forget about it and move on" after we hung I was freaking out, I didn't know what to do, I just wanted a hug from my mom. I went out crying to my parents and when I finally got the words out thats when the frenzy began. My dad started cursing, I was told to get my underwear from that night and when I saw them in sank in deeper, they were covered in blood... the hospital visit was scary, the police station was even scarier. The police had me troll him and one of his responses were " you know me, to accuse me of taking advantage of someone is wrong, shameful and disheartening." I still can't understand how a boy I once trusted and thought I could even love be so cold and mean and not understand what he had done wrong.

These memories will not leave me alone. I just want to break down and cry. Honestly, I want to die right now. I don’t think I can handle this. I keep remembering and it doesn’t stop.. Round and round in m head, I’m on a carousal and I’m not allowed off. I keep seeing my uncle. It’s summer and Tyler is baby-sitting me again. I keep wishing they would stop letting him watch me. It’s night time and still no one is home. I am starting to believe they will never come home. Tyler comes into the room and I know one of his games are about to start and even if I pretend to be asleep he won’t stop. There is no stopping him. He walks over to me and pulls my shirt up over my head, causing my hands to be pinned behind me. He then latches onto my underdeveloped nipple. When I try to push him away he hits me in the head and threatens to tell on me (I had accidently spilt juice on the carpet earlier because I had a drink where it wasn’t supposed to be). So I gave up and let him win. I hoped it would be quick and that he would leave me alone soon, but like most nights I was wrong. He pushed me to the floor and pulled out this bottle of I think it was shampoo or body wash. I wanted to ask what it was for but I knew that I’m not supposed to talk. He then pulled my panties down by my knees I think… Things start getting kind of fuzzy from here. I don’t know where they go they are just gone. I cant move my wrists no matter what I try. He’s forced me to have my bum in the air in front off him… I can feel my heart beating out of my chest and my ears are ringing and its very hard for me to sit still… He starts to pour the liquid on to me till it’s all over… Then he rubs my back side for what feels like forever… He says something to me but my ears are ringing so bad I cant hear him at all. Then he sticks a finger in.. He was gentle at first all I could feel was the pressure… But he yanks it out and the shock of the pain makes me yelp. He then shoves something into my mouth and starts yelling at me saying I need to be punished.. I hear his zipper and he rammed it in.. All I remember is the pain. I felt like I was being ripped in half.. I could actually hear my flesh ripping and I swear he moans at that… He just kept thrusting at me so hard that my body gets getting pushed even though he’s hold me.. I can feel and see I’m bleeding on him yet he doesn’t stop…I know I should have been hurting but my entire body feels numb and detached.. It’s the first time for that to happen and I’m grateful. I can feel myself floating away… I remember starring at the window just wishing to be dead.. That the pain would stop and I would no longer exist.. Next thing I remember is him throwing me on the bed and I’m clothed again and I smell cleaning supplies. My entire bod is cold and hurting. I’m scared to move because I know it is just going to hurt so I just lay there… and slip into the darkness…