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“is that why they call me a sullen girl? Sullen girl? They don’t know I use to sail the deep and tranquil seas until he washed me ashore and he took my pearl. And left and empty shell of me.“ -Fiona Apple, Sullen girl. Fiona Apple was a victim of rape at the age of twelve and wrote sullen girl . The song not only touches on the rape itself but also talks about the judgement she faced due to her behavior after the incident. unfortunately that is a harsh and truly unforgivable reality. Isn’t it? And everyone in the same exact breath turns around and asks why don’t they ask for help? Or why they don’t come forward sooner? Because your to busy bashing us. Because your to busy calling us whores. Or deeming is weak. Because your to busy feeling uncomfortable to help. Your to busy throwing your jeers and insensitive ignorant words around the see the pain we carry in our hearts and souls. I have four words for you... How.Fucking.Dare.You. we are in pain. We were dragged into terrible dark places and had our minds twisted and bodies violated and hurt. Confidence shattered afraid to love, afraid to feel physical contact, and all society, or friends and sadly enough even family members have done is judge us, mock us. How dare you! victims of sexual violence/assault/rape etc..are made to feel afraid of the scrutiny they will face rather than the perpetrators feeling afraid. This is one of the things that made it hard for me to come forward, even though I know my family. However I don’t think they quite don’t know what to do or they feel uncomfortable so they say whatever they think will make me feel better. sometimes it makes me feel like I have no place to turn. I don’t have many friends either and the ones I do have don’t understand the pain. But I to have faced the insensitive and hurtful remarks. In an earlier blog post I mentioned a friend who said he could see why people rape or commit sexual assault after I told him what happened to me. I also know some family members would put me under their microscopes if I dare breathe a word about what happened to me. But venting aside.... i do talk to an online therapist and though I like her she can only do so much. but there is another wonderful therapist I have been seeing. Music. It really has been a wonderful tool for me. Artists like Fiona Apple, Tori Amos, and Siouxsie Sioux have helped me deal and cope with my feelings of my own sexual assault through talking about their own experiences through their music. Sometimes when I think back on what happened to me and it becomes to much I’ll plug in my tunes. It helps me focus on something good and creative or helps me through my most raw and agonizing emotions. Even if I feel enraged or Incensed I turn on some Otep or System of a Down and handle whatever shit I need to handle. When I feel mellow and need a little pick me up I listen to ABBA, or Amy Winehouse or sometimes mellow isn’t a bad thing so it’s a little Ella Fitzgerald or Louis Armstrong. Yea..my music tastes are all over the place. But for me music has been a savior and almost like a friend. And an alternative to some of the horrible things I think about doing at times. Music also makes me feel safe I feel safe from my demons whom I can’t hear screaming because Jefferson Airplane is signing about the elusive white rabbit i feel safe from my neighbor who triggers me in more ways than one. Who has time to think of him when Blondie is singing about the man from mars? I feel safe from society when David Bowie is singing about the star man in the sky or when Leonard Cohen is singing about lovely Vienna and the waltz. I think another part of the reason music is so comforting is because it was made by artists who have faced or are still facing their own struggles. Some who have even been swallowed whole by them. Music is something society tries to put into its strict bullshit idealism of what it should and shouldn’t be. Real Music is art, pain, laughter sadness, light, darkness, triumph and hope and for some salvation. Although, sometimes I do need the support of another human being. But unfortunately it’s difficult to know who you can trust. This has been something that has been on my mind for awhile so the emotions are fresh and raw in my head so the blog reads like a rant and may jump from topic to topic and I apologize if it doesn’t make sense. But until then onwards and upwards!
Hello All- I wanted to share my story with the hopes of relating to others. First off, I am a married male that was Assaulted by a female stranger. This has very hard and confusing for me... background: I was recently diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, and I was given Buspar to help allivate. About a month after I started the medication, I went out with friends to a brewery. I was unaware of the dire interaction between Buspar and Alcohol... it’s not good. I was incoherent. Google it. my friends were concerned about my well being and helped me order an Uber at about 10:30pm. My Uber drive (female, heavier, about 15 years older than me - almost 50) started to drive me home, but at some point, she pulled over in a subdivision, got in the back and proceeded to have sex with me. I did not push her off or say no... but I don’t remember a lot of it. I have been living in hell... and in some really dark places. I have not told my wife but plan to this week... sexual assault of men (by woman) is taboo and is rarely talked... I feel isolated thanks for listening
Really angry and upset as I right this. I have had to recently call the Police out due to abusive neighbours and verbally abusive social workers. The Police don't seem to have yet to have solved the problem, I will have to call the Police again. We moved to a new address back in December 1998, it was the day before my 23rd birthday that we moved in. I thought it would be a fresh start, a chance to start again and move on from past abuse. I have since found out that my mother had been asked by the family of the female perpetrator that abused me for my mother to move my family out of my home town when I had been put into a mental hospital and had no reaction to medication and it was found out that I had infact been abused by the female perpetrator and they had been lying to try and cover the sexual abuse up. So, it hadn't been a fresh start it had been blackmail. Why would my mother agree to move out of the town just because the Guy family didn't want to be embarrassed?, it just doesn't male any sense why wouldn't my mother stand up to them and tell them No! if you want someone to move, you move out. I'm really angry. My mother had been blackmailed by the Guy family to make us move out of town so that Claire didn't lose face. To make matters worse, the day after we moved into the new house, the day of my 23rd birthday I was supposed to be going shopping to a nearby town with my sister and one of her friends. Only for my Father to receive a phone call in the morning to say that, and I quote 'Claire is 'cuming' is that a problem'?. I felt sick to my stomach. I didn't realise that my own father had been involved in the sexual abuse I had been subjected too. I wanted to say, 'Yes, that is very much a problem' 'I don't want Claire anywhere near me or my home'. I wanted to scream my head off. There was something in my fathers voice that threatened me into replying. I few weeks previously I had typed out what Claire had said to me whilst an before she was sexually abusing me and sent it to her last known address, her mothers house. I now think that I was made to this so that they could entrap me. My sister, Selina and Claire arrived at the house. I hadn't even unpacked. I don't know why I just didn't spend the day unpacking and help to move into the new house. Why would I want to go shopping with Selina and my sister anyway? There was loads to do around the house why didn't I just stay home. It would have saved me a life-time of stress. We went out to the car, my sister demanded whilst laughing and giggling that I 'sit in the front'. I am sure my sister has a mental health condition. Claire made a demented 'Mooing' sound then said 'What's your room like?'. It wasn't said in conversation, I wouldn't want to speak to someone who had sexually abused me anyway. She said it with sarcasm in reply to the letter that I was made to send to her mothers house. Claire insinuated that I really had infact wanted to try and perform oral sex on her and hadn't been put up to it by my sister. I felt really ill and dirty... I wanted to get out of the car... I knew what would happen to my brain if I answered and that it would last for many years to come. Infact so far it has been 19 years of pain and mental torture. I said reluctantly, 'it's like a room' and then the pain shot through the left hand side of my brain just like it had walking out of the Ben Peppers bedroom after they made me do LSD all those years ago. Then the panic started to set in... and the anxiety and depression.. We got to the town and Claire just wandered off without saying a word. I couldn't believe what had just happened. I could have been safe at home unpacking my stuff. Claire didn't stay to do any shopping... it had been a set up. I now know that in order for the pain, anxiety etc to stop and for my brain to 'flick out' again I would have the monumentally task of putting Claire in prison for sexual abuse. It has been 24/7 for the past 19 years and still, I have yet to convince the Police of the sexual abuse that I had been subjected too. It turns out that the set up the day we moved to the new place had been part of a child pornography scam that Claire had dreamed up in order to try and put me in prison so that Claire and my sister wouldn't had to go to prison. In 1999 and 2000, my sister and Claire and her social worker friends had infact been behind my bedroom wall in the flat next door screaming their heads off at me threatening to force paracetamol down my throat if I didn't do as they said and download child pornography to a laptop that they had made me purchase in order to put me in prison. It is now 2017 and the social workers are still behind my bedroom wall. To make matters worse members of the Guy family have moved into the house next door to me. For what reason I have yet to fathom. Claire G was not welcome at my home and she knew it, she had to get my father to threaten me in order to come to my home to verbally abuse me because it was 'getting high'. Claire G was feigning distress and head butting the air and making involuntary hand movements and making noises at me. I was forced to answer but I didn't want to I just wanted to get out of the car. Claire G is a pest. 19 years ago I could have spent the day unpacking in my new home. It would have saved me distress and mental torment the likes of which you have yet to imagine. I could have been happy at home and been out working, instead of being knocked about by Claire G, her abusive sister, my sister and the social services. What a waste!! Claire G needs to be put in prison. Claire G's child pornography scam doesn't prove anything other than Claire G is a paedophile. I need to call the Police about the social workers screaming at me through the walls of my home. There is no need for it, it just aggravates my nervous system. Claire G is so mentally diseased I can't stand to think about it. I was actually forced between its legs by my father and made to grin and bear it for 8 months against my will. If I ask for Claire's current surname or address I get threatened by the Police with arrest. How backwards is that?? Claire G forced her tongue into my mouth on Brixham harbour and I get my mouth swabbed by the Police, my DNA goes on record and I get a caution for harassment?? What kind of a sick joke is that?? I don't like Melanie Graham, she aggravates my nervous system. Claire G 'arranged' a revenge rape in my bedroom by David S and I'm the paedophile?? What planet do these people live on?? The Guy family are now trying to fit me up for a spell in prison before trying to use me a some kind of prostitute whilst living on the streets. They do it by hanging around my home and screaming through my walls and verbally abusing me. They are so sick in the head that they think its funny. They actually use their jobs as social workers in order to carry out their crimes, and as of yet no one has raised the alarm. They have been hanging around my home for 19 years verbally abusing me. Why hasn't someone stepped in to stop them??? I don't understand the mentality of these people. The morning of the set up in Selina M's car, someone stole my wallet out of my bedroom. Where they using it to blackmail me into answering Claire G's verbal abuse? Why would I waste time shopping in Torquay on the day of my 23rd birthday with someone who has arranged for me to be raped in the past? When I could have ben at home unpacking my things into my new home? Was Melanie G jealous that I might have a new home and she didn't. She lived in New Zealand, it was nothing to do with her. Claire G has ruined my home life and my brain and wasted 19 years of my life. She has cost me my mental and physical health, my career, my family, any children I might of had. Just so she could have a cheap 'dig' at me because it was getting high. To make matters worse, to get it self over the fact that I turned around in Selina's car to point out that 'I am not going to answer that' Claire G made me through out of my things. The entire contents of my bedroom and home, the very things I could have been unpacking the day I moved in. It did it by screaming though my walls at me. I didn't even know they were there. A counsellor said that I had been brain washed. I want my bedroom back. I want to be 23 again, its not fair. I've been cheated.
In my head I wrote this in the style of open mic poetry night sort of thing. But this one will never be spoken by me. I wish I could though, even if I just heard it out loud. I don't know how to really BE with someone anymore. Something subtle starts to grip my mind and wipes it clean it's the quietest scream I've ever felt. He was supposed to love me... and he was suposed to care for me... and he was supposed to know the most about me... I made it through the first "You were too young" "It could have been so much worse" "The memories are such a blur" I can still remember his daffy duck impression though I made it through the second At least he didn't touch me shrugging off the memory I just stare forward in time like I did in that room I can still feel the heat of panic run down my neck though I broke on the third There was something different that time something unnerving about how I trusted him It shook me the way I made my voice heard My confidence soared, I was in control but I broke that time It was the quietest snap I ever heard It took me over a year to process that night one day it just hit me. The man I was with at that time just said "I was wondering when you would see it for what it really was". The woman who was supposed to love me just sighed she never did end up believing me The drinking at a peak I had no will to live struggling to win against the pessimism that had gripped me never safe never loved never heard I reached out. I caved in. I'm living now, but I feel like I'll never win. I'm better now, but this is the quietest war there's ever been.