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  1. I have been planning for quite sometime on writing a book. Well I have been thinking about intensely for years. Yet I finally started working on it yesterday. It feels like the time is right. This feels like what I am supposed to be doing right now. It is so hard to believe but the story, my story is finally coming together. I am facing with without the fear of previous attempts. I am facing it without the fear of backlash. I am facing it for the giant it is in my life. I am slaying it for the hell it has given me. I look at the pain I have been in for so long. I look at it, with it's shattered mirror shards jutting out. It looks so frightening and yet almost pitifully suffering. It needs to be dealt with and it needs to be treated. I have thought of counseling and I may look into that at some point again. Bad experiences with counselors in the past has caused me to look at that subject a bit warily. Yet, even now as I look at other ways of healing certain wounds, I am look the task before me. Putting those words into print, so that the world can know. So that I will have my voice. So I can help others speak. I must be able to speak and to tell what happened to me. I must no longer keep silent. As keeping silent keeps the pain going. It's like an infection, festering, blistering...growing until I feel nothing at all. I look forward to the day when my stories are purely fictional and my hero is able to win the fight. I will get there, but I have to tell the truth first. I have to tell the truth of those horrible years. I have to put a voice to that silence that has encased me like a tomb, gnawing at me like squirrel with a cracker. I have to speak the truth, perhaps not in love this time but speak it none the less. May this lancing and surgery be what I need to heal. I won't quit and I won't back down. Its time to take flight. They don't get to win. I don't have to keep the secret anymore. Even in knowing this, it feels like I am returning to an old flame. An old love with a renewed love of the art. Here's hoping I don't lose sight of the goal.
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