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Showing results for tags 'triggers'.
Found 19 results
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Well i know its been since last year since i wrote so much has happened. since my brothers suicide i couldnt handle it any more and came really close to the edge of SH and so i went into inpatient to get some help to deal with the feeling surrounding it and also got my meds regulated at the same time. i am in no means "better". im searching for the light right now. im searching for hope. i try to see the good in things but right now even though i did go inpatient i still hurt. i hurt because he left me that is why im searching for hope. he was my hope my light at the end of the tunnel. my hear
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If you've read my previous blog entry you'll know that I'm typing my story, right from the beginning, as part of trauma therapy. I typed it out a couple of years back on here, and a more official version, featuring the man who gave me reason to join this forum, was written for a police statement when I reported him in 2020. I'm now revisiting it again with help from a therapist and new insights, and the words that are spilling out onto my computer screen come from the 44-year-old me, with all the fresh memories and emotions that have surfaced since this shit-storm of an aftermath began. The 'p -
The Trauma Train
LisaButterfly posted a blog entry in A Butterfly's Blog - Therapeutic Journaling in a Safe Space
I'm on the Trauma Train and I want to get off, but how do you do that when the loud, grubby steam engine you've been on since childhood is hurtling through desolate landscapes and dark tunnels with no welcoming stations or comfortable rest-stops on-route? The train carriage I'm in at the moment is empty, it's just me here and I hate my own company. I hate the shell I'm trapped in and frighten myself silly with my own thoughts. I'm so lonely. Then I remembered After Silence - a train station where you can safely get off, if you choose to, and be in the company of people who truly understa -
Hey everyone, I thought I'd let you know what this blogging Is all about. I thought I'd start a little journey between me and my little self. I know she has a lot to give, a lot to offer and I wanna hear her out... Some posts I might be stritcly talking personally with my Inner child, other times she might do the talking, who knows (like maybe my child-self had fun one day because she got to jump In a trampoline and wants to share that experience). I do wanna state however that, her and I are not two different people, we're part of a whole, this Is just an exercise that I find helps me he
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Triggers: the unwelcome hand that flips the switch on a time machine and forces you back to moments you crave to forget. I never thought I'd fully grasp the meaning of it all until this year when I started putting the puzzle pieces together. Many of my strange foibles and reactions to situations over the last three decades now sit in the 'bigger picture' perfectly when I look at my jigsaw as the final image takes shape, but plenty are still a mystery. Over many years, even through childhood, certain songs and genres of music set me off into a spiral of tears, grief and panic. For as long
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So...this is my first post. It won’t be long...I have come back to this forum because of something that triggered me a few days ago...just watching a tv show. I was desperate to not act out on urges to self injure because of it. My brain likes to bring up those thoughts as a soothing thing I think, after so long not self harming, my brain tries to soothe me in the only way it knows how. I love being back here, despite the really hard stuff...I have such a hard time making friends, and this stupid quarantine, due to personal health issues, has had me stuck inside the house with my parents
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Since I started my healing I have good days, bad days, and days where I'd rather lock myself away with a blade and go to town on my own legs. Healing started when I told my husband my whole story with nothing left out. First time in my life i let someone in and for him to be angry with my rapist made it so much more for me. The things he's telling me were so milder than my own thoughts of hurting the one who hurt me for years. After I told him it took a few hours for me to realize that I finally did it and when I did it all came pouring back like a movie. My little cracks I made to let him in
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From the album: Project Unbreakble
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So... life has this way of sucker punching you. Although recently I have become more distant from reality... which I am realizing is fucking dangerous... it's not so much... distant from reality, because I am aware of my life, but more... just... being ambivalent about it, and even if I feel the emotions, I'm not overwhelmed by them.. I've carried them for so long.. I feel... just... yeah. So.. my mom just called. The man who has worked for her, for my family since we moved here and bought the business, Rick, just died. Suddenly, unexpectedly. He was one of those... kinda creepy... criminal re
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So we had a big ass talk. My husband and I. I don't think my husband has fully understood the depth of my need for a man to possess me. Sexually,. to be submissive to a man. To be his precious thing. I'm realizing that a lot of it has to do with my family falling apart, and feeling abandoned by my dad. The one man who was supposed to be my number one, the one who was supposed to love me forever, who was supposed to cherish me, protect me, and teach me... he left. I was around 11 or 12... and I was searching for a man to fill that void. Enter P. A 16 or 17 year old. He showered me with attentio
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So... I've had two therapy sessions... The first one was just an intake.. so it was like I was just crying, spewing shit I haven't said ever.... and just... unloading all this emotional damage. This second time, we started discussing me... how I feel like I've lost myself... and here are two major revelations. 1) We were discussing feeling like I've lost myself... that I don't know who I am... and she asked me who I was before my abuse... I honestly don't know... I feel like my entire teen years were dominated by sex. Having sex, finding sex, getting attention and love and acceptance through
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Waiting for the weekend to really "start". I have a friend coming upstate to visit me... someone who I haven't hung out with in almost a year, it'll be fun to hang out with her. Why do I feel so.. non-enthused? I have a long weekend... I don't have to go and be around P at my mom's house.... all in all a fairly good weekend... I guess I'm also really stressed about next year, upcoming summer break, summer school..... my job. I am happy I will be doing summer school - a little more pay is fine by me - but I get nervous about planning for next year. I never feel like I'm covering the standards w
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Extreme content - mind rambles and just trying to work through this. Mother fucking fuck. I don't understand why these... memories... this.. .this fucking life altering moment when P fucking fuck face made me his. Sick, made me HIS??!?! I don't understand why these memories have now made me have to realize that I'm.... what.. what? So fucking preoccupied by sex and men sexualizing me? It breaks my heart typing those words. It breaks my heart because who the FUCK takes this shit and uses it in a way that is so.... misunderstood. My mom always used to tell me that she'd slap me if she found out
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I might go down to my mom's campground this coming weekend, Memorial Weekend. If I think about it too long, my belly gets all.... filled with butterflies, gets upset. I get excited. Like I'm going on a date. I'm NOT. I am NOT going on a fucking date with him. I am married to a man, a GOOD man. I hate him so much for being in my heart still. I don't want to be.... excited at the prospect of seeing him. What kind of a masochist am I? Seriously, I am happy (aren't I?), loved, and supported. Blah blah blah blah blah. I fucking hate him. I fucking hate that the memory of him, of what we had, is sti
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So yeah. I am really embarassed to admit some of these fantasies...I am constantly thinking them, but I haven't admitted some of them to my husband. Some, but,not the ones I am afraid of, shamed by... Secretly thrilled by. It's like I got my first sexual awakening, and that's all I want, from anybody. Yes of course I want stability, yes I want a partner, YES I want all these things... But I also want to be overly sexual. It isn't enough, being in my monogamous relationship. BAD Kimmy..that is probably the most shameful thing I have admitted. I want to make it work.. Desperately. I want to fulf
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So, I'm trying to work through why I am like I am... is there something broken inside that led to this? Am I a perverted person? Is it wrong to be perverted? I feel like the right answer to that has to be YES. Good people aren't like this, proper, respectable people don't think these thoughts, have these desires. It's gross, I feel gross, because then by that logic... I AM wrong. Bad. I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say either.... so I guess I'll just go right into it... TW/GRAPHIC - you really don't have to keep reading. So like, ever since I knew what my parts were for, I was masturbati
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Can I open up to you? The can of worms sat undisturbed on the top shelf in your bedroom But can I speak with you? Words left undone I’m overrun Gold thread left un-spun What is there left to do? The spindle lays down useless; how could we get stronger through this? I deserve to know what the goddamn truth is Or what truth may be today- But tomorrow it may change The heart is clay (washed away) As you present your sins in chains to be slain Finally I state: “Don’t insult my intelligence- for I have felt more deeply than you ever have in your moments of weakness.” To that, what would you say? Cl
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Warning!!!! I'm going to talk about my miscarriage and 2 abortions WARNING!!!! I lost a pregnancy due to my ex husband. That's the way I feel because we didn't realise I was pregnant or maybe we did (I don't remember) but he continued to have very rough sex with me until the day I miscarried. No one knows about it because it was before we were married and I would have been disowned if my family knew. I got pregnant again 2 more times before we got married and I chose to terminate the pregnancies. (Please don't hate me, it was the best choice at the time for all of us). The thing is, I have no
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Today I did it.....I told my best friend everything. He knows more about me than anyone else in the world!! I have a new problem now.....he has my control. I used my story as control over everything. If something didn't work out right, well, it must be because I have this huge secret that no one knows about....now he knows. I'm scared. He will never hurt me, that's not what scares me. What scares me is he was strong enough to handle everything. I call him Superman because that is who he is to me. I just had to get this off my chest. I told someone & they are ok. They don't think I'm disgus
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