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  1. AnneRuth

    What happened after

    After everything happened I just laid there and cried trying to get everything out of my head. His face, his voice. I then walked downstairs where my sister was sitting and she has asked if I had finally gotten "laid". She was the girl all the boys fell over and I guess in her mind she was trying to help...? Apparently, he told her that I refused to do anything with him and kicked him out, which he had said to cover the rape. I was so scared of him and the embarrassment that I just went along with it. Ever since I moved I haven't talked to my sister, I have no idea what I would say. I am slowl
  2. Hi there. I know I've only been here 57 days, and there hasn't been many posts, mainly due to my life off of the internet, but I would like to change that. So, I thought I would start off by introducing myself and explaining my first post, just in case anyone was confused. Anyway... Hello, again. My name is Nikita, but my nicknames are Niki or Pepper. I was born on July 27th, 1995 in New York. I am currently 21 years old, and I reside with my parents. I've been mentally ill since I was five years old. I've been diagnosed Major Depressive Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Insomnia and I'v
  3. I had toyed with the idea of blogging. I am usually not very good at it. I try to be positive. I try to be positive because being positive is very important to me. I have learned so much since the abuse ended. I have learned so much about myself and about the world around me. Some of the messages I have received from my experiences were wrong, very wrong. I learned what it was to be treated like an object. I learned what is was it be treated as less than human. Even after that, I found out there are so many other ways to hurt deeply. I have come through physical abuse, CSA, ki
  4. I did something stupid on Sunday night and I can't let it go.....suddenly life is crazy and I feel like I'm losing my mind. I thought things were getting better. I went on holiday with my German. We had an amazing time. He went home to his girlfriend. I've discovered that I have a tendency to act out if he posts something about her and it upsets me. Sunday, on a certain site, I met a guy. He seemed so nice texting. He wasn't bad but I got a bad feeling when I met him. Let's say that things didn't go well. I had issues and it was my fault. Since then, I cry every night to sleep and every mornin
  5. This time around things have been so much different. My abuser just went back to prison and I played a part (a very small part) in helping to see that he stays there for a very long time. I have always felt better, safer, something when he was locked up before. I would even write to him in prison, mostly so I would know where he was and if he was coming up for another parole hearing. It has been almost a year since he was arrested and sent to jail to await trial. It has been over a month since he was sentenced. I know where he is, even without having to write to him. But the peace isn't coming
  6. I was 7 when my mom and I went to Texas to meet the man she was talking to online. He was a potential father to fill the void left by the man who I had never met. I liked him at first until he came home with us. It started off innocent enough while he was unpacking his things his hand brushed against my crotch and being the child I was I said something. I was informed that I was mistaken and that it was a serious accusation and it would send him to jail and did I want him to go to jail by my mother. Having gone without a father that was the last thing I wanted little did I know twenty years la
  7. Hey, I feel like I am going to be typing a letter I hate opening my post with hey. UGH. But I feel as I must as I am new. Well I am not new to this healing shit, I am new to this site. I have been battling my healing process for sometimes now. Lets see I am 30 *Yikes* my abuse started when I was 5 for fucks sake I was 5. So yeah been at this a while. I have DID. EEEEKKKKK just kidding don't be scared I am harmless. I like to joke and have fun oh MOST of my post will have cuss words SORRY that's why I use a TRIGGER take care of you!
  8. It's taken me until today to finally express how I feel about the visit the other day. I had to go for a pelvic ultrasound and mammogram. The pelvic ultrasound was an internal one. She put the camera inside me and kept moving it around...to say it was uncomfortable is the least!!! She said she couldn't find my ovaries so she had to do the outside ultrasound also! She asked why I was having it done and was surprised that I didn't know why. I was so uncomfortable and felt so violated. I don't know if I will ever do it again. I really don't think there was a need for it. I believe in the old adag
  9. ImScared

    Been Awhile

    It's been awhile since I posted on my blog so I'm doing it now. I'm home alone this week because of stupid tests for the doctor. I have the pelvic ultrasound tomorrow and the mammogram on Wednesday. On Friday, I will see my new doctor. She is very nice. She's my daughter's doctor also, so we have already met. I'm hoping that everything is good. I've cut out most sugar from my daily life and it was much easier than I thought. I'm just days away from leaving for Europe to see the guy I really like. =) I joined a group that he suggested and now I help people learn English! I'm going to add that t
  10. ImScared

    Anxiety

    I'm so nervous!! Today I have to see the girlie doctor....it's the first time in a very long time. I don't like getting the internal exam done or any part of it. Plus, I have to get an AIDS/STD test. It's because I'm seeing someone and we want to show that we are clean but I'm petrified of needles!! I'm so scared that I'm going to pass out! Anyways, I'm just so scared today! I could really use some support. Thanks & I hope everyone has a safe day
  11. ImScared

    Change

    Things change, life changes....I've had so much in the past few months that my head is spinning. I lost some very close friends that I trusted. It threw me for a spin. I don't trust easily and then to have them leave without any notice is very difficult for me.
  12. This is my first blog and I need to get myself back in control. A good friend triggered me last week, he has no idea that he had. I didn't realise that it would trigger me but it did. Now I'm anxious all the time! I can't calm down. I'm remembering things from my ex that I don't want to. I just want it to go away. My ex-husband did this over 20 years ago. I kept it put away until this past summer, then I had a semi breakdown but I put it away again. Now this, it triggered me so bad. I can't put it away. My friend is upset because he hurt me by triggering me. I need to make this right again. I
  13. I feel people can only love and tolerate one "version of me". The Lady Boss. The happy, supportive, random/spontaneous, quick, straight-forward girl that will tell you what's up. The girl who appears in control, confident and quite dominant. The girl many men feel threatened by and others chase after because they can't have her. You know this girl with the tucker mouth, but who is insanely intuitive, intelligent, nerdy, with a loud laugh seeming like a cackling hyena. She's not afraid of anything and believes in people. She sees beauty in the smallest things, appreciates art and music. I can a
  14. It's been a while since I've posted anything on AS. I have logged on several times, but as soon as I tried to read a post, I'd trigger. Everything has been so crazy lately. Anxiety attacks, blood boiling anger, breakdowns, plenty of crying and general drama. The past has been beating at my brain a lot too, which makes everything so much worse. Long story short, I got out my old cell phones and was going through text messages. I shouldn't have done it, but I did. At first it was simple texts from friends that I have lost contact with, so it was more nostalgic than anything. Then there was two s
  15. VintageCrayon

    Venomous Bite

    Your poisoned words are killing me You are nothing more than a snake Attacking victims visciously Your poisoned words are killing me Crippling me emotionally Trusting you was a huge mistake Your poisoned words are killing me You are nothing more than a snake
  16. Heated Tears mourn Saliva's failure to Extinguish the inferno Engulfing Tongue, mouth, throat, face Entire body Smoldering.
  17. You said that you were sorry, You said it wouldn't happen again, That the alcohol was behind it, That you would make amends You said that you were sorry, Indeed it happened once more, You made us empty promises The same ones from before You said that you were sorry, You requested another chance For a short time things improved, Followed by the same old song and dance You said that you were sorry, But by then it was too late I was much too scared to leave, My fear had sealed my fate You said that you were sorry, I knew your words were lies, Your previous actions and words Created many hidden cr
  18. We've struggled and said "no" Made our boundaries crystal clear We've given in submissively To alleviate without consent our fear We no longer know who we are Our identities have gone astray We struggle with our memories Willfully wishing them away A sudden touch can trigger us We never forget the violations We're startled by sudden sounds Sometimes into dissociation We're not sure how to trust We generally feel insecure We're always second-guessing Of our own decisions we're unsure We battle with self-blame and guilt Though it isn't ours to assume We try to get on with normal lives By our fla
  19. I will never forget the blissful summer of '09 Love, fear, adrenaline bursting through my veins That was the summer I experienced my firsts: Relationship, love-making and lets not forget the planes My first time at an airport, I was going alone I was scared - that's for sure - but what could I do? The fear of crashing was there in the back of my mind At the end of my journey though - I knew there was you The zoo, the park, the golfing and bowling So much to do - and with such little time to spare The trip to the amusement park was a dream come true All the scary rides, the fun - there was love
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