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  1. He was seven months old. She was the first of my childhood friends to have a baby. She had gotten married in January and he was born in April. Though she loved him dearly, she wondered what people in our closed, Conservative circle would say. But I loved her for it. Because everyone who has walked the hard paths of life in a broken Creation know sorrow. I knew it. And I knew that she knew it. She was the first of my friends to get married, and to have a baby. And she's the first of my friends to lose a baby. Ten days before Christmas. So my best frien
  2. I'm a psychology student, but until this summer I didn't know about repressed memories. I was a sophomore in college. It was the height of the COVID-19 pandemic - or at least, I hoped it was. I had been exposed and I was living in a house for two weeks with my other friends who were exposed. I was living an hour away from home - and I had never moved out before. I had to get a COVID test before I could go home to my parents and my animals. My cousin was driving me, because my anxiety was through the roof that day. I had heard that some patients who were tested got migraines afte
  3. We were kids, you presented it as a game and I joined. We played it for years. You wanted to stopped, so we did. You wanted to start again years after stopping we did start again. We you, I discovered my body, I discovered what I'd like or hate to feel. I'd learn my limits. I thought it was a game and then I was use to it. You manipulated me in order to get what you wanted. Maybe you loved me more than a friend, but if so why didn't you respected me when I said no multiples time. Why did I gave you my body and why did I gave you pleasure ? Maybe cause I thought it would end faster...
  4. "Blackbird singing in the dead of night, Take your broken wings and learn to fly . . . " I remember hearing that for the first time. I think it was Kel who sent it to me. I liked him, Kel. He was tall, stocky, reminded me of my dad, but my age. And I liked him as if just yesterday I was fourteen. But that makes sense, because the years between then and now are fuzzy at best. Kel had an affinity for the Beatles. Oh, when I say it that way - it sounds cute. Like Kel wasn't a megafan, like he didn't talk about them every chance he got or know every song. Kel's attract
  5. purge

    TW: swearing, anger

    fuck you and fuck your bullshit apology you can shove it up your ass
  6. purge

    ...

    and now that it's over i'll never be sober
  7. purge

    ...

    i think i should know, how to make love to something innocent without leaving my fingerprints on L-O-V-E's just another word i'll never learn to pronounce
  8. purge

    ....

    when i cried i cried alone and when i begged for help no one came
  9. It would be nice to have a chance to sit down and deal with my current issues without more shit piling on top of it. I know it’s life but this whole journey is becoming to much again. It’s like walking down a path of broken glass, your feet are bleeding and all cut up and you turn down another path only to find out there’s more glass on the road. You don’t have any other way to go so you have to keep going forward even though there’s glass on the road and if you go back there’s still gonna be glass on the road! To add to the bullshit I now might be a diabetic. I’m experiencing
  10. Hi everyone! I hope everyone is doing well in this strange time in history (pandemic and national BLM uprising!) I am new to After Silence. I am also new to the healing process. I am not sure how to go about this, but from what I have seen, AS is a great community where I will hopefully find support among fellow survivors. I am a college student studying history. I love to read and write, especially about politics. I hope that I can incorporate writing and reading into my healing process (I've heard that Body Keeps the Score is a good book. Any thoughts on this?) Anyways, I am here i
  11. The first time I had some regardless of rape, it was with my gf. I wanted to wait to the marriage, but looks like it happened before. Our first time, I was cold as a rock and completely absent. I was in memories of r***. It took me some times to appreciate it a little. I'd say I ended addicted. I remember before losing my sex drive, it was almost annoying myself. If I would approach my gf and if she didn't wanted, I would m***** so it could clear the... need. I never wanted my gf to feel the need. So I hide to do it. When I met her, she thought it was the gf job to satisfy her bo
  12. Goldeneye

    April 2020

    Note to myself, new entry at top. 2020-04-28 I’ve sleep from around 1h30 am till 9am. A good night of sleep would be 10h and I know I didn’t sleep well cause I moved a lot and my blanket are all around. I remember a little of my dream. Today, I walked after diner with my mom and did nothing after oh a public chat and the nice chat with that good friend. The public chat went well, the first time since I’m using the new chat. I may not end chat mod, but I really want to help people in here. Today I feel like I don’t want to do anything. I almost went earlier to bed. But now it
  13. Goldeneye

    Why...

    Sometimes, I wonder why did I go back there, I know I said I was use to it since it lasted around 10 years, but I knew I didn’t like it… I should of knew it would happen. Why would it been different than the day before? Why there’s a part of me that keep appreciating him ? He just used me. Did he knew what he was doing ? I love myself on a regular basis, but on that point, I hate myself and I’m far from forgiving myself. I was never drunk (except once but it was long after him, but I drank in his /$%?&* memories… Idiot I could be, I was sick as fuck that day, I don’t know if it was that or
  14. Hello, I'm really unsure where to start. I've sought "help" before on hotlines, crisis centers etc only to be left feeling hopeless and frustrated. I've never gone to therapy after my assault. I've never told anyone what happened to me. I'm not sure if I ever will. I have no friends anymore (moving around too much). My family will never know. I have pretty bad PTSD but its been slightly better since I moved away from my old place where it occurred. Anything I write on here will be extremely vague due to him stalking and harassing me, that paranoia will always be there whether or not he's
  15. I am new here. I was SA in February of this year, I am greatful to have this site. --+++Trigger warning++++++ It was done by a guy I was seeing and his cousin... +++++end of sensitive part... (I am not positive I did that right) Anyway...I have been really struggling with sleep, seems the memories all come when I'm trying to sleep. I have began SI behavior which I've done in the past. I am struggling with friends and family, its like the things I used to love, I don't want to do anymore. I have been keeping so much in and don't really have anyone who understands. Sometimes
  16. Even though it has been four years There are days where I can still feel his rough hands on me I said no I said no But he didn't stop His bitter words echo in my mind Over and over again. It's been four years The memories of him Won't leave There are days Where I ask why Why did he cause me So much pain? "You'll forget all about it" They tell me They have no idea What absolute terror is always looking over your shoulder all the time. The memories of him That won't leave
  17. Well, it’s Wednesday. I’m tired today. I was up late last night and early this morning and I’m ready to go back to my cozy bed and sleep away the rest of the week. Honestly, I haven’t blogged because there’s been nothing to blog about. Everything in my life is just heavy right now. There’s been little good and lots of bad and I just want to post something worth reading. That likely won’t happen today. I guess this blog will be a catch-up session. Since the last blog I posted was about my suicide attempt, I feel I owe everyone an update. I DID post a different blog after that one, but
  18. Whether we're talking about hindsight or vision, it seemed right to title this blog with something that's coming for us all. I'm SO ready for 2019 to be over. How 'bout you? While there have been some redeeming moments that it'd be unfair to acknowledge, this year has been overall shitty. There has been more sadness than happiness, more frustration than there have been genuine smiles, and more tears than....well, you get the picture. I've gained weight, I'm experiencing pain and discomfort in two areas of my body that I'm having to get checked out by a doctor before school starts
  19. This post contains very graphic references to sexual abuse. I ask that you would not read ahead if you are not in the mind to do so. Please proceed with caution. I know what you’re thinking. ‘Poppy, this isn’t a Friday! Speaking of Friday, where the heck were you this week?’ My apologies to everyone that keeps up with my blog entries weekly or those of you that were looking forward to a post from me. I was taking a small break from AS after some events that transpired and caused me quite a bit of emotional and mental pain. I don’t feel that I really have the liberty to
  20. I think it’s time. Let me back up a bit. First, I want to say hello to all of you and say that I hope you’re enjoying the impending holiday season! I love the holidays and I’m looking forward to my mini vacation next week. That being said, I want to let you all know that I am taking a few days away from AS. If you’re someone that I see around a lot on the boards, or talk to frequently, just know that I will return! I am leaving next week to drive to Nashville, Tennessee for a church conference. I am SO looking forward to this! I’m going to meet new people, see old friends, and enjoy a bre
  21. Well, folks, I think I’m making progress! In some areas, it seems things are really regressing and I feel like a failure. In other areas, I can feel healing happening and trust blooming and progress being made. I took a HUGE step with The New Guy this weekend. I mean – huge. It may seem insignificant to some of you, but for me this was a really big deal. I was going to keep this private, but I’ve decided that I want to share. I haven’t updated you all since I posted my story and it’s long overdue for me to post. I’m going to start at the beginning of this weekend. No, actually, I’m g
  22. This post contains graphic details of sexual assault. Please take caution reading ahead. Well, happy Tuesday, everyone! I’ve gotten over the idea of posting once a week and always posting on the same day. While in theory that was a good idea, my life demands my attention to other things and sometimes I need to write about the stuff that I just can’t get out of my head. Today is one of those days. My mind is swimming in thoughts and ideas and memories and until I get them out on paper, I feel as though I will drown in them and not be able to breathe again. I’m longing for that
  23. Hi there 😊 I'm from the UK, and I just needed some place to feel safe to talk about my experiences. ❤️
  24. Thank goodness it doesn't affect me the way it use to!!! There use to be a lot of shame around sex/masturbation. A lot of the sex I had was for the other person, not for myself. Even if I wanted to be sexual as well, once we started, it was as if I removed myself from it and just went through the motions of whatever the other person wanted to do. And even though I've had many giving partners who were looking to take care of me, not just themselves, and I wanted it/them too, once, we were in the act, I would regress. When I was younger, I had a lot of sexual triggers. Waking up to
  25. Thank goodness it doesn't affect me the way it use to!!! There use to be a lot of shame around sex/masturbation. A lot of the sex I had was for the other person, not for myself. Even if I wanted to be sexual as well, once we started, it was as if I removed myself from it and just went through the motions of whatever the other person wanted to do. And even though I've had many giving partners who were looking to take care of me, not just themselves, and I wanted it/them too, once, we were in the act, I would regress. When I was younger, I had a lot of sexual triggers. Waking up to
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