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  1. Basically 3 big things have happened while I've been not documenting this journey over the past few months. 1) Apparently I did tell my maternal aunt that my brother was abusing me when I was around 11 or 12. She knew the whole time and didn't bring it up with anyone. I didn't remember telling her all this time. LAME. 2) I confronted my parents. They said they didn't remember me telling them about my bro when I was younger. My mom made some excuses for my brother like "boys do stupid things" "he was watching bad shows." etc. but eventually did apologize to me and understood I
  2. Specified Memory: First memory of being sexually abused Distress level: 8 Memory makes me feel like no one cares about me. Worst part was looking at brother for help. No one helped me. No one cares about me. ________________________________________________________________________________ Bilateral Eye Movement 1: Brother putting a blanket over me and taking off my pants. ________________________________________________________________________________ Bilateral Eye Movement 2: He's touching me and making me touch him. ___________________________
  3. Earliest Memory: Walking on the concrete foundation for my future home and falling backwards. My mom coming to pick me up. Age: 3-4 Distressing Level: 0 Theme: A push and pull between wanting a normal mother and wanting her out of my life. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Bilateral Movement 1 Mom coming to pick me up. Everything was blurry because of my poor vision. _________________________________________________________________________________
  4. This is an excellent book. The author, Jody Plauche, was sexually abused by his karate teacher for over a year and then kidnapped for about a week. His father, famously, shot the karate teacher on live tv in an airport. This was Jody's story from his point of view. He talked about the abuse, kidnapping, the murder and then the end of the book are chapters for parents and survivors. He talks about signs to look out for, the way of thinking for predators and how to move forward from abuse. Very inspiring story and its a very easy read. There are semi-graphic descriptions of his abuse, bu
  5. Event Chosen to Focus on: Being stung by yellow jackets when I was 4-5. 54 bee stings. Distressing Level 1-10 : 4 Worst Image: Me sitting in a bathtub naked in cold water alone crying and in pain __________________________________________________________________________________________________ Bilateral Movement/Focusing on Memory : 1 My mom left me in the tub alone and told one of my brothers to watch me. There is a bee in the window. I'm terrified of it. I scream to my brother to kill it. Help me. He doesn't move and just stares at me. I'm crying for help. He d
  6. My mom and dad came over yesterday and stayed the night at my house. My husband and father were going hunting today early in the morning. Last night, while alone with my dad, he asked me if I have talked to my brothers recently and which ones. I think he's catching on to me not talking to the oldest (my abuser). He's asked me that before and I've always managed to just avoid it but he was staying at my house so I couldn't deflect normally. I just got him talking on his military experiences and that seemed to fix that. The next morning while they were hunting, my mom asked me to go shopping
  7. I've finished The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk MD. I've learned a lot about PTSD and different ways of coping, etc. Like most kids who have experienced trauma at a young age, I disassociated and I disassociated hard. Because of this, it looks like I have disassocative amnesia from the event. I only remember one instance of abuse from a 3-4 month period. I remember vaguely of other instances that happened near the same time, but when it comes to abuse, my mind has nothing to give. It's hard to be sad and to try to heal when you don't remember what you are sad about or the s
  8. (Multiple lies) throughout this letter regarding time duration, the acts he committed, and not admitting to doing the same to my cousin as well. His (self pity) was overflowing. The (manipulation) is masterful. Poor childhood self. You were so strong for handling this with the limited tools you had. Thank you for pulling through the awful time period. M****** (Me), I just received your letter last night when I got home from work. I know that deep down in my heart I was forgiven by you and I am so gracious for
  9. The newest book I've read. A lot of good information. Considering that C-PTSD is like PTSD but with the added caveat of ongoing abuse with the idea that the abuse is inescapable. Adding hopelessness into the mix. I definitely felt that way. In this book, the author says that at the core of C-PTSD isn't necessarily the trauma itself, but the emotional neglect that comes with it. In my case, my parents not believing me when I told them about my brother. Having that confirmation that I wasn't important, that I was a liar, or that I was essentially unloved, was totally emotional neglect. S
  10. Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. By Lindsay Gibson PsyD. This book hit home for me. It gave me a lot of tips for dealing with the future talk I will have with my parents and showing me the unhealthy relationship that we have with each other. The biggest take away from this book is me realizing the healing fantasy I have for my parents. I act a certain way for my parents in hope that they will acknowledge and take care of me. I need to understand that with immature parents this is impossible. It doesn't help me to change who I am in order to been seen by people who
  11. I spoke to my cousin about what she thought of justice. She told me justice for her was me healing and taking back my life. Why was she so invested in me? I had no clue what she went through but now I know that she is my hero and the only person to show me unconditional love. Here's some of what happened. The first time my cousin discovered I was being abused was when she spent the night at my house. She woke up to my brother on top of me, 'doing things to me." She kicked him off of me but to no avail. He continued. She yelled at him to stop and when he wouldn't, she said to do it to h
  12. I've been doing some reading. "It Didn't Start with You." -by Mark Wolynn and to be honest, I can't believe some of the things that my family have survived through. How we are all still together and existing in the normal everyday world is baffling. This book helped me to discern what is my trauma, what trauma is being repeated within the family and how to break the cycle. It's going to be a rough ride so please bear with me. Maternal My mothers family grew up in poverty with very little education. Let's start as far back as I can. My great grandfather. (I won't give him nam
  13. Hi, AS Family! I miss journaling. I really do. I’m first of all, thankful that there is some downtime at work where I can do some writing. Today is such a day and I’ve had a few somethings to ponder, lately. I often read posts that leave me nodding my head in agreement or in silent understanding. Or, of course, feeling as if I could have written these words, myself. While it’s kinda daunting at times, it’s also one of the many benefits of group healing. How validating it is, to be told that I am not the only one with these thoughts - that one or two or more of these are running
  14. I have to write about safety for next week. I'll post my thoughts here. To have a complete sense of safety is when I feel comfortable to be myself, secure in the knowledge I wont be physically hurt and to the ability to speak my mind without repercussions. When I was growing up in my childhood home, I didn't have any of this. I did not feel safe in my own home. I just sat in my room with my door locked all day, everyday. I even jumped out my window one day just to try it, in case I ever needed to. My brother sexually abused me for a certain amount of time (I can't remember a lot of
  15. asparkofcourage

    Trust

    I'm supposed to write about trust for therapy next week. I'll write down some ideas here over the next week. It is very hard to trust anyone. I don't trust anyone to care for me, to protect me or to put myself first. I trust my parents to be self interested and self preserving. I trust my brother (abuser) to be self interested and to ignore the validity of my pain. I've accepted the fact that trust is fickle and the people closest to you will be the ones to let you down. Blood relations don't mean too much. If I do have trust in someone it can be very easily broken by the mo
  16. TRIGGER WARNING FOR GRAPHIC DEPICTIONS OF SA. PLEASE BE CAUTIOUS IF READING AHEAD. EMDR is rough. At my last T session, K and I processed some SA trauma that took place when I was about 6-7 years old. Some of it, I was prepared for. I knew he tried to have sex with me in a closet. Some of you may even know that. If You want the story on that one, I have a blog titled “The Closet” where I delve into what I remembered from that event. I don’t remember all of the details… I don’t think he w— As I was writing that sentence, I remembered the part I wasn’t clear on. I knew he t
  17. Hello. I've been reading and thinking and contemplating about my life. About all the things that have happened to me. I'm currently a stay at home dog mom with little to no friends and all the time in the world. Now that I've been spending so much time with myself, I've realized... I don't even know me all that well. I think I got so caught up with my husband's dr. career that I've lost a sense of what I wanted to do with my own life. And then searching through my own thoughts about what I want for myself have made me realize that I've never been able to pursue what I love because it was
  18. Well, first off, I don't remember much. Just a few very vivid images, a lot of crying and watching myself from the corner of the room. My abuser was my oldest brother. I was 9 and he was 14 or 15 at the time. The most of one incident I remember is when my 2 other brothers were playing videogames and were completely engrossed in it. My 3rd brother (the oldest) put a blanket on top of me on his bed and told everyone in the room he was just going to massage me. I was just still, unmoving and very confused. He touched me and made me touch him. I had no clue what to do so he literally
  19. Its been awhile- things have been good overall but that doesn't mean it hasn't been tough. I've been doing a lot of work in therapy lately with EMDR. Usually, after sessions I feel a lot of things and I find the best way for me to process them is through writing.
  20. “I love you,” you said to me that night, You love me, I told myself when I woke in the morning. You seem certain about this. It seems there isn’t much you know though. You don’t know that I scrubbed my skin until it turned red and broke I felt unpure. Don’t know I couldn’t sleep, I still can’t. One eye open because I am scared. Things you do know terrify me. You know where I stay, where I sleep. You know I have a beauty mark under my left breast. I shouldn’t have to worry about you knowing too much. That isn’t love. So
  21. Hi everyone, I did read the rules, though I’m still unsure of what I can really say. Apologies in advance if I do anything wrong. Last week I was raped. I’m not ready to go into specific details, but I am having a really hard time and I don’t know anyone that has been assaulted so I’m really struggling. I’m safe now and at home. I sort of know the person who raped me, we had seen each other around campus. I accepted a ride because it was cold out, and that’s where things went wrong. I chose not to go to the hospital and I haven’t told anyone. I’m still in a lot of pain physicall
  22. Before everything happened with him, I never truly understood how victims minds worked. It’s a weird thing really. My friend told me about how she had been sexually assaulted at a young age. I always wondered why she didn’t just tell her dad. Or, when I watched tv why a victim would just let their abuser get away with what they did. Of course I sympathized with them, but I could never truly understand. Sometimes I wish I couldn’t truly understand. A lot of times really. I wish I didn’t know what it was like to not be able to tell your parents because you aren’t sure how they would react.
  23. Also posted in Share Your Story: Installment Two: The Party I am now fast-forwarding, (or rewinding, depending on how old I was in your minds upon completing reading of the first installment) to when I was seventeen years old as I bring to you all, installment 2 of my story. This is the full, uncensored version of what was shared back in 2007. One would think that as time goes on, you’re likely to forget some details. While that may be the case for some, I WISH that was true for me. Time has gone on, but in some ways, remained stationary – frozen, almost
  24. I have been talking to my long distance ex that is my BF again…but there’s this wall. Every time I want to knock it down…every time we talk about something sexual that makes me think back to what’s been done to me…thinking about it now makes me want to vomit… he said something the other day that we were talking about and it has had me triggered since. he helped a girl by giving her a ride home, that was drunk and alone left by her bf at his place of work, crying without a ride or phone in the parking lot. He’s a good guy and he gave her a ride home. But he half making a joke but also
  25. Between hushed pants and ‘I love you’s’ I laid silent. How could someone who claimed to love me so much do this to me? The ceiling is to keep one closed in and safe, So why when I looked at the ceiling was I in danger Through rhythms that repeated, I prayed for it to be over. “It only lasts A few minutes” I told myself I reassured myself I’d keep you forever this way No matter how many times I let you do it despite it ruining my sanity, You left. It happened so often I twisted it in my mind and told myself that this was your way of love,
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