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Showing results for tags 'TW'.
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Flawed Interrogation Tactics -- Part Two
2Siamese posted a blog entry in Random Blips of Light on the Radar of Life
I printed off what I wrote and took the book referenced in part one in to the PhD that I trust. I read it aloud. "May I see the book?" "Absolutely." "That's damaging." "It is and although I despise the men who have made tons of money in law enforcement off of their sales practice, I won't burn the book. I refuse to do what Hitler and many others have done by burning books. I do NOT agree with the parochial 'version' of anger and if anything calling it a sin makes them money by keeping people sick and miserable. Worst longterm gaslight tactic ever." -
I am a new member and I am 23 yrs old and I am struggling with a lot of stuff and I was told by a friend that this is a great please to seek help. LDM0426
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Flawed Interrogation Tactics
2Siamese posted a blog entry in Random Blips of Light on the Radar of Life
"Rape is the only crime where the victim is interrogated as the subject of interest. Little attention is placed on the perpetrator's behavior, if any." Once attacked as a child, the math odds do not improve in the longterm favor of the victim. This establishes a pattern that it's okay for silence and repeat abuse. It doesn't matter who or what is responsible for the original criminal act, what's important is that the victim doesn't internalize the crime. Why would I think this way? Not only does a victim/survivor have to fight the original crime, but the aftermath of the mob. They a -
Enraged Today But Possibly Not Tomorrow
2Siamese posted a blog entry in Random Blips of Light on the Radar of Life
Thirty seven years ago I was raped by what I consider a stranger as a teen walking home in the rain... someone I did not know personally nor had I ever spoken to or been in proximity. The place is small and it is a place where telephones aren't necessary for words or rumors to travel. Everybody "knows" everybody or seemingly so is familiar with the names or families. I'd assume this is quite typical in everywhere remote small places. I do not remember details. What I do remember clearly was where I was previously, what I was doing in the arcade was a very normal social activity and th -
When I sleep with a man, I close my eyes. I do everything I can to make it be over if it starts taking him too long. I do this even when its my decision and I came on to him; but it always feels wrong. The sweating grosses me out, the body hair, the awkward humping like he thinks he's rocking your world when all he's really doing is drying my out and causing awful friction. When I close my eyes, I don't have to see him anymore, and it separates me from the situation. I wondered when I started doing that; coming onto guys and then waiting for it to end. When I was 16, my first boyfriend P
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‘Too bad another guy spoilt my fun’ ... ’your so broken no one will ever love you like I love you’ ... ’never speak of this again with anybody else - no one should know this about you’ ... ’you are being over dramatic, get over it’ ... ’you are not fun anymore’ ... words that follow me and shape my life. Words that people have said in response to me telling them what happened. Words hurt
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I haven’t posted in a while and tonight I feel like I have no where else or any one else to turn to so I’m here I started cutting again and started to hate my self more and more every day every minute every second I’m terrified and scared and I hate myself and I want to kill myself and I just want to die I just want to it all to end I hate it I can’t sleep I’m scared I’m paranoid I’m not even sure how to end this but maybe with a question... what if you were asked” where are you gonna go live with a rapist or with your brother so he can rape you too” by your significant other what would y
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Today has been a long rough day all together I feel like if it wasn’t one thing it’s another!!! I had counseling today and I decided I was gonna write a letter to my abuser and send it off... I hate the unknown of not knowing if he’s gonna open it or the unknown is what drives me even crazier. I’m the type that constantly has to be in control and when I’m not I get anxious and stressed out and depressed and I don’t know how to handle it!! I hate feeling this way!!! Now I’m stuck have stupid Father’s Day dinner with all the in laws and every time we have dinner I end up at the end by myself on
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I’m having such a bad night I just wish it could be over with already!! I just wish I didnt have to feel this depression I’m feeling. Like I’m so down in a funk and I can’t get out. I hate not being able to talk to anyone about it. I know I can call someone but I don’t want to be a bother to them. I don’t want them to feel like I’m a burden or I’m pestering them about my stupid problems. I keep trying to push through all these feelings and I just end up finding myself sitting on the couch crying. I wish I could just shut off all my emotions and just act like everything is okay there’s no hurt
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Today I’m feeling so lost. I just want to stay home I don’t even want to be here at work. Last night my mom called me and was telling me my brother wanted to see me and wanted to talk to me and that we were siblings and we needed to act like it. Like seriously he should of acted like it when we were growing up and he was being a douche bag to me and before he decided to stick his nasty ass hands down my pants!! He should of thought about that every time he would barge in when I was taking a shower. So seriously why in the hell would I want to even Want to see him let alone talk to him?? Grante
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I’ve been in and out of my sleep all night crying and trying to process everything. I’m not crying like hard like balling my eyes out it’s like a silent cry ig you can say. I’ve cried so much that my head hurts and I can’t seem to stay asleep. I just want to be okay. I know yesterday was a big step but man I feel like I’m starting all over from the beginning. Like I’m having to find different ways to heal which I’m okay with. I want to be able to heal the right way this time and not want to cut or pop pills or whatever stupid thing I decide to do at he time. I want to be able to live my life
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I remember meeting the detectives that investigated my case. I was just a kid in the 7th grade trying to make it through jr high and now I had to deal with going to court and talking to strangers. I can’t remember there names but I remember the guy was so tall and built and he made me feel like nothing or nobody could ever hurt me while he was around. I can remember how when we first got to the police station and I went into there office they gave me a bear and started asking me questions about the days. I remember my middle brother being there and just sitting there while I was telling them w
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Today’s session went really well. This time I went in prepared. I had made up my mind that I was going to talk about some of the hard stuff. So this morning when I woke up I made a list of all the things I wanted to talk about. I gave her the list and let her pick what ever order she wanted. I felt like it was way more progress then we would of with out the list. I felt like I finally opened up more to her and I’m glad i did. I’m ready to heal and move forward. We actually got to start talking about my Csa. And I finally start vocalizing my story for the first time ever. I’ve writren it out an
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Sometimes I just want to cut. I feel numb all the time like I have no real emotions if that makes sense. I’ve even had really rough sex (I usually like it) but I didn’t feel anything It didn’t even feel like we were doing anything. So I just cut it’s like it’s the only thing I ever feel anymore. So when i feel numb or just blah I just cut. I know it’s not a solution but it’s the only thing that I seem to actually feel and I don’t cut because I want to die or anything just so I can feel. I don’t know if it makes sense or not but that’s what I feel.
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I talked to my middle brother today and he started talking about my oldest brother that Sa me and he kept taking his side and kept talking about he’s his protector and how he’ll always be here for him no matter what and I just stayed on the phone and didn’t say anything I wish that I could of just told him what happened and maybe he would take my side and maybe he would actually protect me sometimes I get so mad because I always wanted my middle brother to be there for me and even when my dad R me all I wanted was for him to be there for me and he wasn’t but it’s not like I can really get mad
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This is a letter for my future self whenever I am PTSDing hard and start blaming and getting angry at myself: It's not your fault that he texted you again out of the blue It's not your fault that you went to his apartment to ask him to stop texting you It's not your fault that you started to get intimate with him after he manipulated you saying that he "liked you and liked spending time with you" It's not your fault that he was not listening to you when you verbally made it clear (with valid reasons) that you did not want to have sex It's not your fault that his roo
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So starting this month I've been on one dose of Wellbutrin right when I wake up and two doses four hours apart of Adderall, each per day. I've noticed I get really anxious and depressed if I am alone after my second dose wears off. Some nights almost suicidal. Two weeks ago over the weekend meds wore off and I got so anxious and hopeless that I self harmed for the first time in years. The next morning I had to have someone talk me out of committing suicide (as in, I was seriously considering it but I worded it to them that I was just triggered and tempted to self harm) and walk me through some
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The night started in the local Rite-Aid parking lot. "If only I hadn't have used the restroom," I torment myself. the little things. I warmed up to them and we hit it off; they even joked about me joining their friend-group. After a while, the self-proclaimed ‘leader’of the group asked for my number. Innocently, I gave it to him. After making small talk with the boys for about an hour, I decided to head home. “What a cool crowd,” I thought. Shortly after arriving home, the boy–Simon–texted me and asked for my snap-chat. The conversation continued, which included his casual, light-hea
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Today I talked to someone on the RAINN crisis chatline. I had a really honest talk in a way that I never have with someone about my most scarring trauma. We discussed how my sexual preferences don't change the way consent is experienced. I for the first time ever felt confirmed that I did experience SA. I don't know how I feel about it. I mostly just feel numb. I realized that I need to work on getting a better support system and that I can do that by being honest and letting some people in. I think I have moved past day 1.
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My life is kind of in shambles right now. I'm in a temporary job situation where I have to live at a summer camp with 16 adults and 60 some children, away from my boyfriend. In my first few weeks there I got moved into a building where it was me in one room and a male stranger in another and we were sharing a bathroom where the door didn't lock. He seemed like a nice guy but being alone with him made me anxious based off my previous experiences in similar dorm style situations. I had too tell my boss who didn't react in the way I needed him too and ever since I've been realizing that I may not
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He told me to lay back....I did. He rubbed my stomach....He put his finger in the middle of my chest and drew an imaginary line down my stomach and belw my belly button. I was wearing jeans. He undid the button and I didn't stop him. I should've pushed his hand away or hugged him to get him to stop. He undid the zipper and I didn't fight him. All I could do was bite my lip as I started to cry. His hands were so soft and warm. I could feel them inching closer to what I valued most. He moved around and I hated it. I couldn't wait for it to be over. I didn't understand how anyone could possible e
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when i was 12 yrs old and told someone i was being raped everyday, it was not believed because i was a good student and a good kid. when i was 14 and asking for help with drug addiction and alcoholism, i was not believed because i was too smart and had so many things going for me. i am 43 now and asking for help with depression and gambling addiction and not taken seriously because i go to work, help other people, haven't lost my home or my husband and seem to function as normally as everyone else. what people dont seem to realize is i find myself doing the most drastic things. this morning i
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After wring my story the other day, there were other thoughts I wanted to get out as well, but writing it all at once would have been way too long and way too draining. I'm writing now about the fact that I was pretty much surrounded with the point that my body does not belong to me and that I was not allowed to refuse beng touched. Besides the two I wrote about there were other little things that just served to drive the point home. 1) there was another family friend who would watch my sister and I when babysitter 1 could not. They had two children themselves one was a girl about a
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So the blog is a pretty cool idea, I honestly just noticed this was a feature. I think it might serve me well of just being able to write things mostly for the sake of having to get it out and others may read at will or not. I guess I'll start just by telling my story and whatnot. I've told it a few times before, but it does help just to get it out. Plus the image keeps running through my head so I might as well give it a place to land for a while. ***TW*** I'm not holding back on details!! I was SA by my babysitter's son from the ages of 6-9 (approximate ages base
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So i'm new to this forum, but I've discovered blogs. I'm a little happy about that, as I can express myself freely without triggering myself or others of course. Today I'm meeting with my counselor from the women's shelter. She's an amazing woman, who encourages and inspires me. We made an intervention plan together that involves 4 consequences of what I've been through, and the means to help me overcome them. The two biggest and hardest ones to overcome are suicidal thoughts, and flash backs. This past weekend was very difficult for me, I ended up calling a suicide crisis line....someone tal
