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My life is kind of in shambles right now. I'm in a temporary job situation where I have to live at a summer camp with 16 adults and 60 some children, away from my boyfriend. In my first few weeks there I got moved into a building where it was me in one room and a male stranger in another and we were sharing a bathroom where the door didn't lock. He seemed like a nice guy but being alone with him made me anxious based off my previous experiences in similar dorm style situations. I had too tell my boss who didn't react in the way I needed him too and ever since I've been realizing that I may not have dealt with some things in my past that I need to face if I'm going to live. I told a friend about this, and he helped me confirm what I already knew which was that I needed to get some serious help. I haven't gotten that help yet but I have been here for a couple weeks now and I feel like I understand some things a little bit better having talked to people who have been in similar situations. I hate feeling pitied. I hate people looking at me like I'm broken. I really just want to escape and not feel anything anymore because the more I feel the less happy I am.

He told me to lay back....I did. He rubbed my stomach....He put his finger in the middle of my chest and drew an imaginary line down my stomach and belw my belly button. I was wearing jeans. He undid the button and I didn't stop him. I should've pushed his hand away or hugged him to get him to stop. He undid the zipper and I didn't fight him. All I could do was bite my lip as I started to cry. His hands were so soft and warm. I could feel them inching closer to what I valued most. He moved around and I hated it. I couldn't wait for it to be over. I didn't understand how anyone could possible enjoy that.

when i was 12 yrs old and told someone i was being raped everyday, it was not believed because i was a good student and a good kid. when i was 14 and asking for help with drug addiction and alcoholism, i was not believed because i was too smart and had so many things going for me. i am 43 now and asking for help with depression and gambling addiction and not taken seriously because i go to work, help other people, haven't lost my home or my husband and seem to function as normally as everyone else. what people dont seem to realize is i find myself doing the most drastic things. this morning i had a hand full of pills ready to just end it all. ive been up to the flood waters thinking about just stepping into the current. i gamble for hours every day to make the world go away. i punish myself with unwanted sex, intentional sleep deprivation and cutting. i have lost what little joy i had in life. i no longer smile when the birds sing in the morning and i dont look forward to hugs from friends. i see myself as some hideous culmination of the things that are wrong with me and i need to put that beast away for good. my life is no longer under control. i am at the whim of my husband and mother. im not sure i have anything left to save in this life and yet i keep asking for someone to help. Last night my husband and i finally talked after a fight we had a week ago. he said he would start taking some responsibility around our lives and take over some of the work that i do. he is a good man and tries but sometimes falls into old habits like he has done lately. its nothing horrible, just drinking and playing video games and ignoring everything else in the world. he deals with depression and stress and shuts down sometimes and that is what he does when it happens. maybe, just maybe, he will pull out of it and step up for things. he is younger than i am and not so used to responsibilities but i think he can do it and will be better for it. my mother..... i have such contempt for the woman that gave birth to me. she gave up custody when i was three but still had visitations and seldom used them until i was older. when she did take me for a weekend, she gave me to men, gave me alcohol and drugs and left me to fend for myself. she laid in the same bed i was being raped in and never did anything. just pretended nothing was happening. i was given back to her when i was 15 and sold to the highest bidder every weekend and summer. a few years later she became disabled and dependent on me and i have had her every since. though i take care of her basic needs despite her motherly love, she still set me up as an adult to be raped again. i was 40 yrs old and raped in my own home by a man with a long history of it and she is the one who invited him. it takes so much self control to cook and clean for this woman and help her with bathing and self care and deal with her being hateful without just walking away. she is a worthless mother, lousy friend and pathetic human being but she seems to be doing ok with life. why is that? I just want out of this life but there are a few people i dont want to outlive me.

After wring my story the other day, there were other thoughts I wanted to get out as well, but writing it all at once would have been way too long and way too draining. I'm writing now about the fact that I was pretty much surrounded with the point that my body does not belong to me and that I was not allowed to refuse beng touched. Besides the two I wrote about there were other little things that just served to drive the point home. 1) there was another family friend who would watch my sister and I when babysitter 1 could not. They had two children themselves one was a girl about a year or two older than me and one was a boy 2 or 3 years younger than me so when I was about 8 he was 6 and the girl was like 10. The parents in this case were pretty useless. They would have the TV babysit me and I was in charge of my sister. I'd get yelled at if she cried and I would feed her, change her, and play with her. The boy decided he had a little kid crush on me and would constantly try to kiss me and hold me and touch me which made me really uncomfortable. Now I don't blame him really cause he was so young I don't think he knew what he was doing. But I do blame his parents who encouraged him to touch me and then they'd get mad when I would push him away. Basically saying if he wants to touch and kiss you just let him what's the big deal? To me it was a big deal! If I don't want to be touched then they shouldn't encourage it. It also didn't help that this little kid had the same name as my primary abuser. 2) At the same house as above. There was a time when I was playing truth or dare with the girl and some friends. It got to my turn and they said I had to chose between taking my shirt off and showing my not there yet boobs to a guy friend that was there and letting him touch me or letting the brother touch me without pushing him away or protesting for 5 minutes. I refused both and they tried every persuasion they could to get me to take my top off (as that was what the guy friend wanted - also he was older like maybe 12 or 13). this time I really put my foot down though and I just kept saying NO and that I just wouldn't play anymore. They eventually left me alone but sheesh it took forever just to convince some kids that no, I will not be violated AGAIN. 3) My primary abuser had a friend who was a girl and lived next door. We used to go over a lot and the girl would play with me. I considered her a friend and while the boy would constantly say sexual stuff to and about her she would usually respond in a way that would either shut him up or would make him mad enough to leave (which I enjoyed). Then came the day when she too turned on me. I had convinced my mom to let me go over by myself just to play with her. She knew the family and said yes. When I arrived she had all the toys ready and told me that we could play but that there was something she wanted. She then told me that she wanted to have sex with me and that its ok that we're both girls that doesn't mean we are gay. I spent the whole time waiting for her to touch me but we ended up just playing with the toys. I was confused and that was also the last time she invited me over. I'm thinking maybe she felt bad? Idk but I was glad she never touched me but sad that I lost a friend and an ally against the boy. All these experiences just basically made me feel like it was normal. People are going to touch you whether you want them to or not or they will at least try. Adults will be no help and they will not care. I also felt like maybe that's just what it would be like when I became a teenager too. That all teenagers were just thinking about sex and that's just how it would be for me too.

So the blog is a pretty cool idea, I honestly just noticed this was a feature. I think it might serve me well of just being able to write things mostly for the sake of having to get it out and others may read at will or not. I guess I'll start just by telling my story and whatnot. I've told it a few times before, but it does help just to get it out. Plus the image keeps running through my head so I might as well give it a place to land for a while. ***TW*** I'm not holding back on details!! I was SA by my babysitter's son from the ages of 6-9 (approximate ages based on pictures I have that were taken at his house). He was maybe 12 or 13 (I remember him being in middle school) I was always a shy kid and I guess he saw that or whatever I don't really know why he started what he did. But either way, while I don't remember every time he abused me, I do remember the first time pretty clearly (I guess cause it was new). The first time was within maybe 30 minutes to an hour of me being there. His mom pretty much introduced us, closed the door, and was gone. He was playing video games and I wanted to play too. He offered the control to me and had me stand in front of him (he was siting on his computer chair). As I was playing, I noticed he started to unbotton my pants and I remember asking "what are you doing?". I remember thinking it was weird cause no one had done that before. He didn't say anything and just kept taking off my pants and then underwear. I didn't say anything after that either and kept playing Mariokart. Afterwards, I remember him picking me up and putting me on his lap at which point I noticed that he also didn't have any pants or underwear on. I remember him moving me up and down and basically rubbing his p***s in between my legs. I honestly had no idea what any of that was, but I had the sense that it was probably something bad and that I shouldn't tell anyone about it or else I might end up in trouble. It continued from that point on for the three or so years that his mother babysat me. It was the same scene every time although after a while he got comfortable enough to not need to distract me anymore so usually I just sat there and stared at the wall while he was doing what he did. I don't remember if he ever penetrated me although I don't believe so, but I also wouldn't be surprised if he did. The worst thing was always afterwards, I always pretended to have to use the bathroom so that I could wipe his c*m off of me. I didn't know what that was at the time though, however I know he enjoyed watching me go to the bathroom since I guess he knew exactly what I would be doing. He'd always get dressed and go to his bedroom door and open it with a smile on his face. He also started to be an overall jerk. He emotionally abused me as well as sexually abused me and was just an all over bully. He would constantly tear me down and lie to me to the point where I had no idea if anything he ever said was a truth or lie. This cause a lot of anxiety as he could tell me that his mother called me for dinner and when I went, she had never called me at all and when he was telling the truth and I thought he was lying, I'd get in trouble for not listening. He called me all sorts of names and standing up for myself always just made the name calling worse and I didn't want him to know he was getting to me so I made sure I didn't cry in front of him so eventually I just learned to shut up and take it. On the other hand I do have memories of him being kind of nice and buying me candy and letting me play with his stuff and trying to teach me to yo-yo. It made everything all the more confusing. I could go there one day and have candy and play games and have a lot of fun, then the next day I'd get called a p****y every five minutes and yelled at for basically being alive. He sexually abused me no matter what mood he was in though. Towards the end when he was like 15 or 16, he ended up getting his girlfriend pregnant and his family moved away to another part of town so it wasn't as convenient for me to go there anymore. There was also another kid in the neighborhood who used to touch me and have me touch him. He was maybe 3 or 4 years older than me and lived in the same multi-family home as my grandfather who just so happened to live around the block from my babysitters. With him, he started off just as a normal kid playing tag and what not. He was never overtly mean to me and was just like any other friendship I'd had, just a little older. At some point, I guess he was curious or I don't know, but he did start to get sexual. One day we were out back playing in the yard and he told me he wanted to show me something in the garage. His dad had this beat up truck back there and he said we could play in it. We got in and started playing "house". He said we were married and were going on a drive then he "parked the car" and said that if we were going to be married we needed to act like we were married. He said we had to kiss, but not like how kids kiss, we have to kiss like married people (we had to french kiss). He told me to kiss him in the mouth and use my tongue. At this point, what did it matter I was used to being used sexually I didn't even try to protest just did what he asked. The next time I was over he said he wanted to continue the game and this time we had to get naked. He put up the hood of the truck so that no one could walk by to check on us and see us naked. This time I did protest and said that I didn't want to get in trouble if someone saw us. He just kept saying no one would see us and basically wouldn't let me leave til I did what he said. So the shirt went up and pants went down although at least with the babysitter's son, he did all the work and I could mentally go away, this guy wanted me to actively participate. He made me lick his p****s and his behind and he licked my non-existent breasts and between my legs. After some more touching he said I could get dressed and then we went into the truck and he started kissing me again. He only did this again once more and then my great-grandmother died and my grandfather moved to Florida so I never really saw this kid again. To be honest, I think this is the most detail I've ever given regarding these incidents. I was feeling really anxious and angry and worked up prior to writing it down and it helps to write it all down when I feel like that, but it's also emotionally draining and takes forever cause I keep tuning in and out in my mind.

So i'm new to this forum, but I've discovered blogs. I'm a little happy about that, as I can express myself freely without triggering myself or others of course. Today I'm meeting with my counselor from the women's shelter. She's an amazing woman, who encourages and inspires me. We made an intervention plan together that involves 4 consequences of what I've been through, and the means to help me overcome them. The two biggest and hardest ones to overcome are suicidal thoughts, and flash backs. This past weekend was very difficult for me, I ended up calling a suicide crisis line....someone talked to me for 20 minutes, and I never felt like I was bothering them, or annoying them; which is a good thing for me. It was very difficult though to reach out for help...especially since i feel that the reasons I wanted to hurt myself are so stupid. I find it would be easier to consider killing myself than breaking up with my abusive boyfriend. I'm not ready to let go, even though i'm hurting badly, and so deeply tired. My friends and social worker are pushing me to break up with him, and I know that they all have my best interests at heart, because they truly care about me and my well being. And they give me examples of the things I shouldn't put up with, and despite how much i AGREE with them, I still can't seem to find the courage to let him go. Despite how much i know I will be better off, happier, and healthier, I still can't do it. Despite how afraid I am that things are only going to get worse...despite how much i know that things are only going to get worse, i just can't do it!. This makes me so frustrated with myself, so angry and annoyed at myself it hurts. I feel like a failure, and a disappointment to everyone around me.

my husband's laughter has changed or maybe its just me. i dont know but i hear that laughter and i am flushed back to being buried in that basement or being passed around. im so sick at my stomach and so angry i feel like i could rip the flesh from my own body. the husband is good hearted. i tell myself when he forces things to happen that i dont want its not his fault, its just my issues. normal people should enjoy that stuff and i want to be normal. i tell him it makes me want to vomit and his response was he was ok with that. wtf?!?!?!?! i feel like i married my rapist.

I dont understand the need for sex. i dont have it but my husband does and sometimes it becomes an issue. i do love him and i want to make him happy but sometimes the only way to do that is to do what i dont want to do. i fake it and do everything i can to get it over with quickly. sometimes i cant even hold back the tears but he either hasnt ever noticed or chooses not to mention it. i cant understand the frustration he seems to have when he doesnt get it and he cant understand my lack of need for it. sometimes, like now, i feel like i have no way out and i am back in that dark dirt and stone hole in the middle of the woods waiting for the rocks to be moved only to see the shadow of the devil himself pulling me out to use like a tool and then put back in the hole. i get so sick. it takes a lot to keep going through this every day. sometimes i wonder what is the point. i can feel the shattered parts of me falling out of place.

soooo.... husband and i have been at odds over a few things for a while. we both avoid because it is easier. tonight, apparently, i did not want things easier. i brought up a touchy subject between us. it didnt go well as usual. feelings were hurt. i left. later, i tried to call to smooth things over. that made things worse. husband pissed me off so i made the trip home to address it. worse to horrible. things came out of my mouth that i had kept to myself for two years. i feel miserable, not because i did it. i knew i would at some point because things have just bothered me for too long. i feel miserable because i'm not sorry for doing it.

These memories will not leave me alone. I just want to break down and cry. Honestly, I want to die right now. I don’t think I can handle this. I keep remembering and it doesn’t stop.. Round and round in m head, I’m on a carousal and I’m not allowed off. I keep seeing my uncle. It’s summer and Tyler is baby-sitting me again. I keep wishing they would stop letting him watch me. It’s night time and still no one is home. I am starting to believe they will never come home. Tyler comes into the room and I know one of his games are about to start and even if I pretend to be asleep he won’t stop. There is no stopping him. He walks over to me and pulls my shirt up over my head, causing my hands to be pinned behind me. He then latches onto my underdeveloped nipple. When I try to push him away he hits me in the head and threatens to tell on me (I had accidently spilt juice on the carpet earlier because I had a drink where it wasn’t supposed to be). So I gave up and let him win. I hoped it would be quick and that he would leave me alone soon, but like most nights I was wrong. He pushed me to the floor and pulled out this bottle of I think it was shampoo or body wash. I wanted to ask what it was for but I knew that I’m not supposed to talk. He then pulled my panties down by my knees I think… Things start getting kind of fuzzy from here. I don’t know where they go they are just gone. I cant move my wrists no matter what I try. He’s forced me to have my bum in the air in front off him… I can feel my heart beating out of my chest and my ears are ringing and its very hard for me to sit still… He starts to pour the liquid on to me till it’s all over… Then he rubs my back side for what feels like forever… He says something to me but my ears are ringing so bad I cant hear him at all. Then he sticks a finger in.. He was gentle at first all I could feel was the pressure… But he yanks it out and the shock of the pain makes me yelp. He then shoves something into my mouth and starts yelling at me saying I need to be punished.. I hear his zipper and he rammed it in.. All I remember is the pain. I felt like I was being ripped in half.. I could actually hear my flesh ripping and I swear he moans at that… He just kept thrusting at me so hard that my body gets getting pushed even though he’s hold me.. I can feel and see I’m bleeding on him yet he doesn’t stop…I know I should have been hurting but my entire body feels numb and detached.. It’s the first time for that to happen and I’m grateful. I can feel myself floating away… I remember starring at the window just wishing to be dead.. That the pain would stop and I would no longer exist.. Next thing I remember is him throwing me on the bed and I’m clothed again and I smell cleaning supplies. My entire bod is cold and hurting. I’m scared to move because I know it is just going to hurt so I just lay there… and slip into the darkness…

TW-swearing My best friend officially told me goodbye yesterday. He said he couldn't handle me anymore. I just wanted to tell him....I told you that! He said he would never leave....LIAR He said he was there for me no matter what....LIAR He said what happened was wrong....LIAR He just invalidated everything he ever said to me.....LIAR He knew he would hurt me so badly by leaving me......LIAR He knew I will self destruct....LIAR I no longer trust anyone because everyone lies....they lie to get what they want from you and then leave like fucking parasites!! I hate him but understand! I feel nothing and I am numb but I cry endless tears. I've no idea how I'm going to handle this because now I'm over the edge.......LIAR!!!! I'm so sorry.....it's quite a ramble but I'm beyond upset. I'm shattered and I don't think I'll ever be the person I was again.

I'm 100 emotions but feeling none of them. My car's power steering when out tonight. I'm supposed to go someplace tomorrow and I just don't want to. I miss my friend and a few other friends. I'm just sad and all over the place! I just want to curl up in bed and cry but I can't cry. At some point, I think I need to process what I allowed to happen to me over the weekend but I don't know when. I keep seeing the guy's face in my dreams but I've no one to blame but me. I put myself there so I deserve everything. I know I'm acting out but I can't stop myself. Sorry

I'm warning that this post is about sex......TW.....please be safe whilst reading this I never posted my story. I can't...I've written it once and copy and pasted it ever since. I read it when I send it to a friend but I forget it immediately afterwards. Suffice to say that my ex husband was my problem. He was my first and only until this past week. I've lived like a nun for over 20 years....my friends understand the joke. I'm quite the innocent and never ever considered a one night stand or Tinder.....so I joined Tinder....well a part of me did. I met a guy and we hit it. He said that I was in charge and if I said stop, it was over. He was patient with me. We went at my pace. I know that I was extremely lucky and so fortunate!!! We met up 2x whilst he was in town. He got sick whilst here. He sent me a message saying that he enjoyed our time together. Here's the best part, I've been so scared all these years that it would always be the way it was with my ex but it wasn't. He straight out asked me if I had been r***d. I told him that I didn't use that word. He was so upset and extra gentle after that. I couldn't believe it. The crazy thing is he is British. It's funny because I'm planning to move to Europe in the fall. I guess my point is....he let me do things that I've not done since my ex forced me to do them. It was freeing to not be scared and enjoy doing it. I let him hug me....that's huge! I let him kiss me....super huge!!! Thank you for letting me share...I hope you are safe reading this and have a good night!!

TW for talk about sex When do I cross the line? I haven't had sex in forever and now I can't stop.(Ok, it's only been 2 guys so far) It's like I have this pent up, I don't know what and can't get it out. A guy that wants to get with me tonight asked me what did I like about sex......I told him I don't know. I'm trying to figure it out. I feel like I'm using it as a way to self harm myself. I can't cut but I can have sex with strangers....what the hell is wrong with me?! I've never been this way and now I am. I don't even feel anything. I'm not attached to them. I'm not having mind blowing sex. I just don't know what to do. I know I should stop but I'm not sure if I really want to......have I crossed the line? Just for the record, the total number of men I have slept with is 3. I know that's not a big number but why do I feel like a sl*t? I'm sorry because I'm always rambling but I need to get this off my chest. Have a safe night

Trigger Warning-Please read if you are in a safe place.......I'm going to use swearing and talk about sex. I'm self destructing! I thought I was doing good but I'm not. I have to stop myself but don't know how. If you read my blog, you know that I've tried Tinder......the Virgin Queen has now officially been with 2 men besides her ex husband....actually I used to call myself a nun but now I've left the convent! =D I already talked about the first guy and how great he was. The second guy was fun. We had 2 days of fun. I still don't understand why guys need to kiss and complement women when they already know they are getting sex but they still do. It's very weird to me to be told that I'm pretty....the ex didn't say these things. The new guy liked my breasts.....couldn't keep his hands off them, no surprise because guys do that all the time & no I don't consider that unusual. He apologised when he saw them the second time. I was a mess for him the first night, I felt horrible but he asked me to sleep next to him. I was fine with that until he put his arms around me. I started to freak out and he stopped immediately. I still don't think that's normal for guys to stop when asked to but I'm learning that real men do. Anyways, the next time I saw him and he saw that he had been rough on my breasts, he apologised and said he was so sorry. He left to go home Friday. My best friend isn't talking to me & I don't know why. I'm spiraling out of control....no I can't blame him but I am because he knows that he's hurting me. Today, I went on Craigslist to look to hook up with someone.....ja I know...I said I'm self destructing! I met up with a guy tonight because he said he just wanted to suck my breasts, nothing else. He was old and that's his thing. I thought ok, I mean it's nothing really bad, right? I'm missing the guy from this week and thought what the hell? This guy didn't understand no. He kept going and then when I said I've had enough....he walks with me to get my clothes....he grabs my nipples again and pulls them. I was/am in pain! It was so intense that I was having problems standing! He was pulling me up by them and then down. He seemed to enjoy it. I moved backward and he followed. Finally he said I'd had enough....no shit Sherlock! He seemed to get off on my pain. This is when I really realised that I can't keep this up. I have to get control of myself! He tells me that I seemed to enjoy myself! I'm like how the fuck do you figure? I'm saying OW, NO, It hurts.....but I liked it? No I won't be going back...he's too freaky for me and please don't bother with the lecture....I already know I was stupid. Anyways, I'm sorry for rambling but I had to get it out. I can't believe me! Have a safe night!

I can't anymore I just can't. I want to go to leave this planet. I'm so alone right now. I'm so useless I'm a waste of space on this this earth, why would I want to go on. This is stupid. I'm sat here, alone, distrort, clueless, scared, sick to death or everything. No one cares about me, and if they did or do, I'm either unaware of it, or I'm successfully pushed them away. I'm alone. Alone, alone, alone, alone alone - always alone. I was born alone, and I'll die alone. I feel the deep hurt again tonight - it's surfacing. I can't supress it tonight and I'm not in control. I don't know where to go with this. It's crazy. All the 'therapy' things I've been told about say 'you must sit with your emotions' - sit with it? I'm going to explode. They're developed by scientific people who have no idea what trauma is or does to you. Utter geeks! Enough ranting I think for now.

I'm not sure where this is going so I figured I'd put the tag on there in case..... My first time was with my ex husband and I hadn't been with anyone else for 20 years. Then recently I joined Tinder (a hook up site)....I didn't know what to expect. I've horrible problems with men and have been afraid forever of having sex. The first guy who responded straight out said he wanted hot sex....it freaked me out and my others came out to take care of it. (They are the ones who signed us up for this site) I had a bad feeling and just didn't follow through. The next guy, the one I enjoyed 2 nights with, he gave me a different vibe. I was lucky and know it. I trusted myself and everything turned out well. Then this weekend, another guy texted me. At first, things seemed ok but then he said a few things that I knew I couldn't do and I told a friend that I was a bit scared. Did that stop me for texting him & arranging to meet him, no. Here's where that entity watching over me comes into play.....we never met up this weekend. I'm glad because I think I was going to let myself get into trouble. So my question is, could there be someone watching and making sure that I make better choices this time? Could they be making the universe not line up when things could turn ugly? If so, I appreciate it because I didn't have a good feeling about this guy. Does it mean he's a bad person? No, just not right for me. The guy I spent the night with, he was just what I needed and I keep looking for that again. He was perfect for my first time since my ex. I hope I can find someone again and that whoever is watching out for me continues because I need it. Thanks for listening to me ramble. I hope you have a peaceful night.

So, this is just from a topic I started, but felt I needed to move it here, to my blog. I've decided, I am going to start using this, as I discovered, I like being able to write about things. Well, type. I figure most people won't read this so it feels a little safe but also like I'm able to put my feelings out there, without actually putting them out there and effect people irl. Basically I feel a little anonymous and I don't think I can handle talking about this in real life. However, I'm hoping it will effect me in some positive way. I tend to keep my emotions inside, sure I have my breakdowns. But I never really say what's on my mind. Or when I do, I feel like I'm not understood, and while I am thankful for the support I have from my Mother in particular, I can't help feeling alone. I feel like my Mom supports me 100 percent, but since my abuser was my older brother she is conflicted and I almost feel guilty for it. I don't know why, because I didn't do anything wrong, but I feel it. Anyway, here is the Topic I was originally talking about. I'll keep it the way it was when I last updated it. As some of you may have read, the other day my younger 12 year old brother grabbed my breast without warning and definitely without permission. I was shocked, disgusted, confused, embarrassed, you name it. Anyways it was extremely triggering for me (my older brother used to abuse me). My mom knows about my older brother and I told her practically immediately about what happened the other day. My cousin was here at the time, hanging out with my younger brother, so she said she would have a talk as soon as our cousin left. Well... here we are and she is just f*cking sitting here like nothing happened. My cousin has been gone, my brother is just in his room playing video games as if nothing happened. I've gotten no real apology and I am beyond livid. EDIT: Okay I'm an idiot and feel horribly for assuming, but she did talk to him. But he seems to not have any sort of punishment for it. He hasn't said he was sorry, she hasn't told me how it went, nothing. I feel bad for assuming, but maybe there's nothing in this situation that will "satisfy" me. He gets a normal, "that's not right to do" talking to and I'm just supposed to move on like it was a normal brother-sister feud. And that's it. I don't get it, I don't know how to handle this. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin or home, yet again. EDIT: Lately I experience more rage. I mean on this scale. I don't feel like I would hurt anyone, it's nothing like that, but it's emotionally draining. I am used to always feeling more sad and depressed at times. But I'm still just keeping it inside, the main reason I am typing here, because it's like I can get my feelings out, without completely putting them out there in real life. I kind of want to delete this, as it should of been a blog post... but I think saying this and reading it myself is a good thing... idk.

ive spent some time thinking about what has been going on in my head and i think i can see some of the triggers im having. when i get ready to go anywhere, my husband has this habit of cornering me and blocking my exit. he is much larger and stronger than i am and i feel like i did when my stepfather trapped me in rooms and wouldnt let me out until i paid his toll. even now i make myself 'pay' in advance to get out when i want to go. it feels sickening to think about why i do it. i love him and he is a good man and it would probably tear him apart to know how i feel with his behavior and with my response. i dont compare him to the men who have done things to me. there are just some things that trigger a flood of emotion and memories and sometimes those things cant be avoided. i swear if i dont get some sleep soon, i may just lose it. an hour here or there with spatterings of nightmares and pain. i feel like peeling my hide off of my bones to crawl away and hide to get some rest. i really hate being inside this skin right now. if i could just step out of it for a while and be someone no one recognizes or needs. i need to be curled up with my dog and just sleep until i cant do it anymore. god, im tired.

A rough couple of days with issues of feeling like i have been triggered but not sure why. I have made some requests for counseling to work through this time but no answers so i guess its another time of going it alone. not a whole lot of the 'i give up' thoughts but really drowning in the 'i deserve to be punished' thoughts. i had really hoped i could find someone willing to sit with me for a while to get through this but as usual, i go it alone. im tired. i answer the call all hours several times a week but when i finally tried to reach out to someone, no one is there. i have convinced myself i do not deserve anymore that what i get and i have started pushing my husband and best friend away because i dont deserve them. they love someone i am not. i guess i have a lot more of the 'i give up' feeling than i thought. im tired.

I don't think my ex boyfriend is a horrible-demon person, but he has hurt me in the past. He's 4 years older than me and I was 15- nearly 16 when we started dating. It was fine, sure there are things I regret, like drinking and drugs, but overall we treated each other great. As great as that kind of relationship goes. Anyways. A few months into are relationship, I got pregnant, with our now 3 year old, beautiful boy. Just coming to terms with being a pregnant teenager, who never could do anything right, could be a post of its own. But that's not what this is about. At first, after the shock and acceptance, things were great. We were planning on doing our best and staying with each other. Even now I am so grateful for my son, he is like my own personal savior. Anyways, time went on and he was clearly not ready, nor did it feel like he wanted to be ready. We started arguing all the time, over him not having any motivation, always going out, chatting up other girls, etc. We got passed it, well I just tried to ignore it really. And after I finally gave birth, things got worse. I had thought once he was here, my ex would change. We got our first, crappy little apartment a couple weeks before our son was born and he moved in first to get it ready while I wanted to stay with my mom for the first week or so. Things were great, although I was far too busy nursing every couple hours and changing the scariest poop diapers I'd ever seen, to really worry about our relationship. But sure enough, once we were all in the same home, he would have friends over constantly. There were always parties, while I sat alone with our son in our room with the door shut. Anytime I tried to talk, it would go nowhere. I started feeling like I was the crazy one. At this point I started having a hard time, wanting to devote all my time to being the best mom I could be, but still loving and wanting my boyfriend to love and want me. Time went on, we fought. And one day I learned he was cheating on me, I still don't know if they ever had sex while we were in a committed relationship, but in my heart I still felt betrayed. Crazy things happened, we broke up, got back together, etc etc. Time moved on yet again, thinking we were passed all of that. But sure enough he was still talking to girls, while I felt ugly, lonely, etc etc. And he was mean to me and manipultive. Always using the fact that I was madly "in love" against me. Now though, I wouldn't call it love. One day after countless arguments, and history repeating itself, I finally said "fuck you" and ended it. He begged, but I HAD to be strong. Not only for me, but for my son. My boy didn't deserve to grow up in an unhappy home. So that was that, we would co-parent and move on with our lives. However this brought a whole new set of issues. He was extremely absent, and there were times I questioned if he even loved our son. I put my foot down eventually and he got "better". I just desperately wanted my son to have a good relationship with his dad, because neither of us have solid relationships with our own. (trigger warning) Here's where it gets darker. In the mix of all this chaos, after we had officially ended it, he asked to stay with my family and I. It was only going to be for a couple weeks, etc. Me being who I am, and my mom wanting me to be happy, we said ok. At the time I was talking to a boy online. It wasn't serious but it was fun and something I'd never really done before. I was happy, I was out of that toxic relationship and I realized there are good people out there. Well one night my ex tried to full around with me and I told him no over and over. Even after knowing what I had been through in the past... That's when it happened. It wasn't violent, it wasn't loud, none of that. It was just like when I was younger and my older brother would abuse me. I couldn't do anything but cry. He held me down and that was that. After he just said "sorry" all while our baby was sound asleep next to me. Even now I don't think he sees it as rape. That hurts me. I couldn't tell anyone... I couldn't believe this was happening again. I couldn't look at myself. Why didn't I fight back, what was I so scared of? I've never told a soul before I signed up here. I don't know if I could ever tell someone close to me. It's been about a year and a half since then. He started dating someone and we both moved on with our lives while trying to co-parent. However, I still have this resentment and anger towards him. And the fact that even now, when our son will be turning 4 this year, he still lacks motivation. He doesn't seem to care and for some reason I let him off. I do know he loves his son now, and I do see improvement... But I'm done being quiet and patient. If it weren't for my family, idk where my son and I would be. I am desperatly trying to get my life together, so I can move forward and be successful and I don't see the same with him. To top it off, his girlfriend is pregnant now and I can't help feel betrayed. I won't hold any resentment towards the baby or deprive our son of his brother or sister, but I am hurt. I won't make a scene, I won't go crazy, because that isn't fair to his girlfriend or their baby. But he can't even afford to help me by clothes or get him on insurence or do anything and now he and his side of the family are going to be all over this new baby and it's already like my son and I don't exist. I'm frustrated.

Some memories are haunting me tonight. Back when payphones still existed, I was 14. I walked to the store to get a pack of cigarettes and to call a crisis line. My step-father had just done it again and I was feeling pretty bad. I couldn't call from home because mom would have been pissed. I remember talking to a woman that really tried to help me. I just couldn't report it like she was asking. I remember a tall slender man with brown hair and glasses pulling up in a van. I remember telling the woman he was sitting there watching me and that I had to go. I remember her pleading with me to stay on the line as I hung up and headed away and I remember how it felt like I was vacating my body when I felt his arms wrap around me and pull me behind the store. I can't remember anything else of that night except hurting everywhere. Four years later though, he still remembered me when I took his class my senior year. I did not recognize him until he asked me to help him carry supplies to his car after school. When we got behind the school and I saw the van, my heart sank. The last thing I remember is recognizing his grip when he grabbed me again. I keep replaying this over and over in my head trying to remember who he was and what happened. It's been twenty-five years. I remember feeling smothered but I don't know how or why. It is just so frustrating to have bits and pieces of something. I feel so angry with him and want to explode on him but I can't remember why. I don't feel justified in these feelings because I can't say anything bad happened. I can't say anything happened. I can remember arguments I had with my mother when I was two years old. I can remember almost every detail of almost every time my family did things to me but I cannot remember this guy. His name, his face or his crime. That just seems to make it so much worse.

I am trying to come to terms with feelings I may have and not be aware of in my own head. For the most part when I deal with things that have happened to me, my motto has always been, "it made me who I am and I am not too bad." I have made my life a success by the standards of my youth and I am happy, comfortable and safe most of the time. I am usually the 'rock' where ever I might be. At work or at home, I am to one with the answers, the decisions, the matriarch of my surroundings. Sometimes, on rare occasion, I become the one who cowers in the corner, babbling nonsense and screaming, "go away closer," to the ones I love and trust the most. Over the past two weeks I have been in both of those positions. Without a lot of detail, I can say my husband wants to start putting in an additional water line. This will be the 3rd or 4th project like this. This is also the 3rd or 4th time I have done everything I can, even pandering to his libido, to stop the project. The sound of tools digging into the ground make my very core beg for it to stop. It is desperation like I have never felt before. He knows something about the project makes me fall apart and has tried to get me to talk about it. How do you tell a loved one details about bad things that have happened without seeing that look on their face? How do you get them to relax around you after they hear details and not be standing guard over you all the time? I want him to know what happened without him seeing it every time he looks at me. We have negotiated several parts of our relationship already and I believe we will find a way through (yes, through) this. I have tried to be stark and honest with him throughout every step because if he was gonna run, it needed to be early on in the relationship. When we took our vows, it was our first and last time. We will take the good and the bad and mold it all into something comfortable and supportive for each other. I just wish I had something good to put on top of this last event to make the sting go away.

I emailed my exchange students' counselor at school and she is now meeting with her to discuss why she is having memories of her attack. The counselor told her at the first meeting that she's new & is used to academic counseling only...I thought "oh gravy". But she stepped up, after the first meeting, the counselor did some research and is asking the right questions, she needs to work on her listening skills but I'm proud that she is trying to help my "daughter". Some of my other kids think I should share my story with her but I can't even post it on here so I told them it wasn't happening. I'm glad that one of us is talking to someone and getting counseling.

Skye here. I'm one of Copper's Insiders. I know the rules and will follow them. This post discusses religion. That earns it a TW just on principle. Also, this is an extremely sensitive spot of mine. Please keep that in mind if you choose to comment. I'm sad. Very sad, There are a lot of different faith paths practiced in the Company. We've got pagans, we've got some who are just "spiritual", at least one who identifies as a White Witch, a few atheists. And several of us follow the path of Christ. I can't call myself a Christian anymore. The gap I see between the Word and the deeds of many who claim the name of Christ is just too much for me to stomach. This coming from the woman who once was on a fast-track to lay leadership in her chosen denomination, and felt sure her destiny involved the full-time ordained ministry. I'd go home after church on Sunday and dissect the sermon I just heard, find ways to make it more effective. I challenged myself to use the same points Rev. S. had used. I did my research and probably knew my Bible better than any member of the laity in my church. And now I am not. Oh, I still know my Bible inside out, upside down and backwards. I still can dissect and reassemble any sermon and give it back better than the one I started with. But that gap between Word and Deed has widened so far I can barely see across it. I know, I know. There are good Christians out there. I even know a few. I call a few of them friends. But my overwhelming experience has been less than positive. I hear people telling me to pray harder, that if I just trust God enough all my problems will be solved. I hear people telling me that I clearly do not have enough faith; otherwise my problems would have been solved by now. And when I try to explain that I am doing my best, that I've heard all the platitudes and more, I get insulted looks. Huffs. I do believe that God will provide for all my needs. AND I believe that I gotta do my part. I gotta get off my ass and use the tools I've been given to get those needs met. It's like the joke, a guy on his roof during a horrible flood. A canoe, a motorboat, and a helicopter all come to him, offer to take him to safety. The man refuses all of them, saying that God will provide. Then he drowns, gets to the Pearly Gates. He cries to God, asking why he died. God says "What did you want? I sent a canoe, a motorboat, and a helicopter for crying out loud!" I've known too many people who "wait upon the Lord" by sitting on their asses. Wait is a verb, people. "Wait upon the Lord" like a waitress in a busy restaurant, not like someone just tapping the table in boredom. And yet, I still "don't have enough faith". My primary abuser was a preacher. Many of the elders of his churches abused this body as well. They preached the love of God, then went to the basement and hurt an innocent kid. The answer I get when I offer up that (sanitized) version of my story is usually along the lines of "you were being tested." I call bullshit. The God I worship does not "test" children that harshly. I'm not even sure I can see a good, loving God testing kids at all. But I am sure that He would not "test" a child with such violence that her mind shatters into a zillion alternate personalities. I can see "reasons" for me being a multiple. Ask Copper, sometime. She can see reasons for everything...then again she's a big-picture type. And I can follow the logic and accept where we are and how we got here. But a lot of these mealy-mouthed, pat-on-the-head proselytizers need to STFU. And I need to stop typing before I start to cry. My faith is broken, and I don't know what to do with the pieces. As we as a System work to heal, I'm forced to see exactly how depraved They were. I joke about Copper loving crocodiles...but I do too. I don't want to acknowledge the things that were done to this body. I don't want to admit to myself that the Dad I loved (even when we fought, even though he did sometimes hit me)...I don't want to accept that he did the other things. I don't want to accept that he knew about and participated in the process of shattering his child's mind. I've always known Christianity was flawed, but I could find comfort in it,flaws or no flaws. I'm not sure I can anymore. I ask for help, I read blogs and Bible studies and they all tell me the same thing. I was born sinful and that if I say the Sinner's Prayer, everything will be all right. I was "saved" when I was 5 years old. At that point, there were already at least 8 different personalities dwelling inside this head. Am I suffering because some of my Insider sisters have not been "saved"? I don't know for sure who knelt with Jet beside our bed and said the words...but somehow it seems to me that it was the adults who were sinning. Not me. Not us. We did not ask to be hurt like that. But the vast majority of Christians seem to forget that being "saved" once doesn't keep a person from sinning. I know that my father had been "saved". I know that Elders X, Y, and Z had been too. Why do I have to keep repenting for things that were not my fault?????