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So, this is just from a topic I started, but felt I needed to move it here, to my blog. I've decided, I am going to start using this, as I discovered, I like being able to write about things. Well, type. I figure most people won't read this so it feels a little safe but also like I'm able to put my feelings out there, without actually putting them out there and effect people irl. Basically I feel a little anonymous and I don't think I can handle talking about this in real life. However, I'm hoping it will effect me in some positive way. I tend to keep my emotions inside, sure I have my breakdowns. But I never really say what's on my mind. Or when I do, I feel like I'm not understood, and while I am thankful for the support I have from my Mother in particular, I can't help feeling alone. I feel like my Mom supports me 100 percent, but since my abuser was my older brother she is conflicted and I almost feel guilty for it. I don't know why, because I didn't do anything wrong, but I feel it. Anyway, here is the Topic I was originally talking about. I'll keep it the way it was when I last updated it. As some of you may have read, the other day my younger 12 year old brother grabbed my breast without warning and definitely without permission. I was shocked, disgusted, confused, embarrassed, you name it. Anyways it was extremely triggering for me (my older brother used to abuse me). My mom knows about my older brother and I told her practically immediately about what happened the other day. My cousin was here at the time, hanging out with my younger brother, so she said she would have a talk as soon as our cousin left. Well... here we are and she is just f*cking sitting here like nothing happened. My cousin has been gone, my brother is just in his room playing video games as if nothing happened. I've gotten no real apology and I am beyond livid. EDIT: Okay I'm an idiot and feel horribly for assuming, but she did talk to him. But he seems to not have any sort of punishment for it. He hasn't said he was sorry, she hasn't told me how it went, nothing. I feel bad for assuming, but maybe there's nothing in this situation that will "satisfy" me. He gets a normal, "that's not right to do" talking to and I'm just supposed to move on like it was a normal brother-sister feud. And that's it. I don't get it, I don't know how to handle this. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin or home, yet again. EDIT: Lately I experience more rage. I mean on this scale. I don't feel like I would hurt anyone, it's nothing like that, but it's emotionally draining. I am used to always feeling more sad and depressed at times. But I'm still just keeping it inside, the main reason I am typing here, because it's like I can get my feelings out, without completely putting them out there in real life. I kind of want to delete this, as it should of been a blog post... but I think saying this and reading it myself is a good thing... idk.

ive spent some time thinking about what has been going on in my head and i think i can see some of the triggers im having. when i get ready to go anywhere, my husband has this habit of cornering me and blocking my exit. he is much larger and stronger than i am and i feel like i did when my stepfather trapped me in rooms and wouldnt let me out until i paid his toll. even now i make myself 'pay' in advance to get out when i want to go. it feels sickening to think about why i do it. i love him and he is a good man and it would probably tear him apart to know how i feel with his behavior and with my response. i dont compare him to the men who have done things to me. there are just some things that trigger a flood of emotion and memories and sometimes those things cant be avoided. i swear if i dont get some sleep soon, i may just lose it. an hour here or there with spatterings of nightmares and pain. i feel like peeling my hide off of my bones to crawl away and hide to get some rest. i really hate being inside this skin right now. if i could just step out of it for a while and be someone no one recognizes or needs. i need to be curled up with my dog and just sleep until i cant do it anymore. god, im tired.

A rough couple of days with issues of feeling like i have been triggered but not sure why. I have made some requests for counseling to work through this time but no answers so i guess its another time of going it alone. not a whole lot of the 'i give up' thoughts but really drowning in the 'i deserve to be punished' thoughts. i had really hoped i could find someone willing to sit with me for a while to get through this but as usual, i go it alone. im tired. i answer the call all hours several times a week but when i finally tried to reach out to someone, no one is there. i have convinced myself i do not deserve anymore that what i get and i have started pushing my husband and best friend away because i dont deserve them. they love someone i am not. i guess i have a lot more of the 'i give up' feeling than i thought. im tired.

I don't think my ex boyfriend is a horrible-demon person, but he has hurt me in the past. He's 4 years older than me and I was 15- nearly 16 when we started dating. It was fine, sure there are things I regret, like drinking and drugs, but overall we treated each other great. As great as that kind of relationship goes. Anyways. A few months into are relationship, I got pregnant, with our now 3 year old, beautiful boy. Just coming to terms with being a pregnant teenager, who never could do anything right, could be a post of its own. But that's not what this is about. At first, after the shock and acceptance, things were great. We were planning on doing our best and staying with each other. Even now I am so grateful for my son, he is like my own personal savior. Anyways, time went on and he was clearly not ready, nor did it feel like he wanted to be ready. We started arguing all the time, over him not having any motivation, always going out, chatting up other girls, etc. We got passed it, well I just tried to ignore it really. And after I finally gave birth, things got worse. I had thought once he was here, my ex would change. We got our first, crappy little apartment a couple weeks before our son was born and he moved in first to get it ready while I wanted to stay with my mom for the first week or so. Things were great, although I was far too busy nursing every couple hours and changing the scariest poop diapers I'd ever seen, to really worry about our relationship. But sure enough, once we were all in the same home, he would have friends over constantly. There were always parties, while I sat alone with our son in our room with the door shut. Anytime I tried to talk, it would go nowhere. I started feeling like I was the crazy one. At this point I started having a hard time, wanting to devote all my time to being the best mom I could be, but still loving and wanting my boyfriend to love and want me. Time went on, we fought. And one day I learned he was cheating on me, I still don't know if they ever had sex while we were in a committed relationship, but in my heart I still felt betrayed. Crazy things happened, we broke up, got back together, etc etc. Time moved on yet again, thinking we were passed all of that. But sure enough he was still talking to girls, while I felt ugly, lonely, etc etc. And he was mean to me and manipultive. Always using the fact that I was madly "in love" against me. Now though, I wouldn't call it love. One day after countless arguments, and history repeating itself, I finally said "fuck you" and ended it. He begged, but I HAD to be strong. Not only for me, but for my son. My boy didn't deserve to grow up in an unhappy home. So that was that, we would co-parent and move on with our lives. However this brought a whole new set of issues. He was extremely absent, and there were times I questioned if he even loved our son. I put my foot down eventually and he got "better". I just desperately wanted my son to have a good relationship with his dad, because neither of us have solid relationships with our own. (trigger warning) Here's where it gets darker. In the mix of all this chaos, after we had officially ended it, he asked to stay with my family and I. It was only going to be for a couple weeks, etc. Me being who I am, and my mom wanting me to be happy, we said ok. At the time I was talking to a boy online. It wasn't serious but it was fun and something I'd never really done before. I was happy, I was out of that toxic relationship and I realized there are good people out there. Well one night my ex tried to full around with me and I told him no over and over. Even after knowing what I had been through in the past... That's when it happened. It wasn't violent, it wasn't loud, none of that. It was just like when I was younger and my older brother would abuse me. I couldn't do anything but cry. He held me down and that was that. After he just said "sorry" all while our baby was sound asleep next to me. Even now I don't think he sees it as rape. That hurts me. I couldn't tell anyone... I couldn't believe this was happening again. I couldn't look at myself. Why didn't I fight back, what was I so scared of? I've never told a soul before I signed up here. I don't know if I could ever tell someone close to me. It's been about a year and a half since then. He started dating someone and we both moved on with our lives while trying to co-parent. However, I still have this resentment and anger towards him. And the fact that even now, when our son will be turning 4 this year, he still lacks motivation. He doesn't seem to care and for some reason I let him off. I do know he loves his son now, and I do see improvement... But I'm done being quiet and patient. If it weren't for my family, idk where my son and I would be. I am desperatly trying to get my life together, so I can move forward and be successful and I don't see the same with him. To top it off, his girlfriend is pregnant now and I can't help feel betrayed. I won't hold any resentment towards the baby or deprive our son of his brother or sister, but I am hurt. I won't make a scene, I won't go crazy, because that isn't fair to his girlfriend or their baby. But he can't even afford to help me by clothes or get him on insurence or do anything and now he and his side of the family are going to be all over this new baby and it's already like my son and I don't exist. I'm frustrated.

Some memories are haunting me tonight. Back when payphones still existed, I was 14. I walked to the store to get a pack of cigarettes and to call a crisis line. My step-father had just done it again and I was feeling pretty bad. I couldn't call from home because mom would have been pissed. I remember talking to a woman that really tried to help me. I just couldn't report it like she was asking. I remember a tall slender man with brown hair and glasses pulling up in a van. I remember telling the woman he was sitting there watching me and that I had to go. I remember her pleading with me to stay on the line as I hung up and headed away and I remember how it felt like I was vacating my body when I felt his arms wrap around me and pull me behind the store. I can't remember anything else of that night except hurting everywhere. Four years later though, he still remembered me when I took his class my senior year. I did not recognize him until he asked me to help him carry supplies to his car after school. When we got behind the school and I saw the van, my heart sank. The last thing I remember is recognizing his grip when he grabbed me again. I keep replaying this over and over in my head trying to remember who he was and what happened. It's been twenty-five years. I remember feeling smothered but I don't know how or why. It is just so frustrating to have bits and pieces of something. I feel so angry with him and want to explode on him but I can't remember why. I don't feel justified in these feelings because I can't say anything bad happened. I can't say anything happened. I can remember arguments I had with my mother when I was two years old. I can remember almost every detail of almost every time my family did things to me but I cannot remember this guy. His name, his face or his crime. That just seems to make it so much worse.

I am trying to come to terms with feelings I may have and not be aware of in my own head. For the most part when I deal with things that have happened to me, my motto has always been, "it made me who I am and I am not too bad." I have made my life a success by the standards of my youth and I am happy, comfortable and safe most of the time. I am usually the 'rock' where ever I might be. At work or at home, I am to one with the answers, the decisions, the matriarch of my surroundings. Sometimes, on rare occasion, I become the one who cowers in the corner, babbling nonsense and screaming, "go away closer," to the ones I love and trust the most. Over the past two weeks I have been in both of those positions. Without a lot of detail, I can say my husband wants to start putting in an additional water line. This will be the 3rd or 4th project like this. This is also the 3rd or 4th time I have done everything I can, even pandering to his libido, to stop the project. The sound of tools digging into the ground make my very core beg for it to stop. It is desperation like I have never felt before. He knows something about the project makes me fall apart and has tried to get me to talk about it. How do you tell a loved one details about bad things that have happened without seeing that look on their face? How do you get them to relax around you after they hear details and not be standing guard over you all the time? I want him to know what happened without him seeing it every time he looks at me. We have negotiated several parts of our relationship already and I believe we will find a way through (yes, through) this. I have tried to be stark and honest with him throughout every step because if he was gonna run, it needed to be early on in the relationship. When we took our vows, it was our first and last time. We will take the good and the bad and mold it all into something comfortable and supportive for each other. I just wish I had something good to put on top of this last event to make the sting go away.

I emailed my exchange students' counselor at school and she is now meeting with her to discuss why she is having memories of her attack. The counselor told her at the first meeting that she's new & is used to academic counseling only...I thought "oh gravy". But she stepped up, after the first meeting, the counselor did some research and is asking the right questions, she needs to work on her listening skills but I'm proud that she is trying to help my "daughter". Some of my other kids think I should share my story with her but I can't even post it on here so I told them it wasn't happening. I'm glad that one of us is talking to someone and getting counseling.

Skye here. I'm one of Copper's Insiders. I know the rules and will follow them. This post discusses religion. That earns it a TW just on principle. Also, this is an extremely sensitive spot of mine. Please keep that in mind if you choose to comment. I'm sad. Very sad, There are a lot of different faith paths practiced in the Company. We've got pagans, we've got some who are just "spiritual", at least one who identifies as a White Witch, a few atheists. And several of us follow the path of Christ. I can't call myself a Christian anymore. The gap I see between the Word and the deeds of many who claim the name of Christ is just too much for me to stomach. This coming from the woman who once was on a fast-track to lay leadership in her chosen denomination, and felt sure her destiny involved the full-time ordained ministry. I'd go home after church on Sunday and dissect the sermon I just heard, find ways to make it more effective. I challenged myself to use the same points Rev. S. had used. I did my research and probably knew my Bible better than any member of the laity in my church. And now I am not. Oh, I still know my Bible inside out, upside down and backwards. I still can dissect and reassemble any sermon and give it back better than the one I started with. But that gap between Word and Deed has widened so far I can barely see across it. I know, I know. There are good Christians out there. I even know a few. I call a few of them friends. But my overwhelming experience has been less than positive. I hear people telling me to pray harder, that if I just trust God enough all my problems will be solved. I hear people telling me that I clearly do not have enough faith; otherwise my problems would have been solved by now. And when I try to explain that I am doing my best, that I've heard all the platitudes and more, I get insulted looks. Huffs. I do believe that God will provide for all my needs. AND I believe that I gotta do my part. I gotta get off my ass and use the tools I've been given to get those needs met. It's like the joke, a guy on his roof during a horrible flood. A canoe, a motorboat, and a helicopter all come to him, offer to take him to safety. The man refuses all of them, saying that God will provide. Then he drowns, gets to the Pearly Gates. He cries to God, asking why he died. God says "What did you want? I sent a canoe, a motorboat, and a helicopter for crying out loud!" I've known too many people who "wait upon the Lord" by sitting on their asses. Wait is a verb, people. "Wait upon the Lord" like a waitress in a busy restaurant, not like someone just tapping the table in boredom. And yet, I still "don't have enough faith". My primary abuser was a preacher. Many of the elders of his churches abused this body as well. They preached the love of God, then went to the basement and hurt an innocent kid. The answer I get when I offer up that (sanitized) version of my story is usually along the lines of "you were being tested." I call bullshit. The God I worship does not "test" children that harshly. I'm not even sure I can see a good, loving God testing kids at all. But I am sure that He would not "test" a child with such violence that her mind shatters into a zillion alternate personalities. I can see "reasons" for me being a multiple. Ask Copper, sometime. She can see reasons for everything...then again she's a big-picture type. And I can follow the logic and accept where we are and how we got here. But a lot of these mealy-mouthed, pat-on-the-head proselytizers need to STFU. And I need to stop typing before I start to cry. My faith is broken, and I don't know what to do with the pieces. As we as a System work to heal, I'm forced to see exactly how depraved They were. I joke about Copper loving crocodiles...but I do too. I don't want to acknowledge the things that were done to this body. I don't want to admit to myself that the Dad I loved (even when we fought, even though he did sometimes hit me)...I don't want to accept that he did the other things. I don't want to accept that he knew about and participated in the process of shattering his child's mind. I've always known Christianity was flawed, but I could find comfort in it,flaws or no flaws. I'm not sure I can anymore. I ask for help, I read blogs and Bible studies and they all tell me the same thing. I was born sinful and that if I say the Sinner's Prayer, everything will be all right. I was "saved" when I was 5 years old. At that point, there were already at least 8 different personalities dwelling inside this head. Am I suffering because some of my Insider sisters have not been "saved"? I don't know for sure who knelt with Jet beside our bed and said the words...but somehow it seems to me that it was the adults who were sinning. Not me. Not us. We did not ask to be hurt like that. But the vast majority of Christians seem to forget that being "saved" once doesn't keep a person from sinning. I know that my father had been "saved". I know that Elders X, Y, and Z had been too. Why do I have to keep repenting for things that were not my fault?????

Let me give some background, I host exchange students. I love them and consider them my own kids. Tonight my latest child told me about her life back home. She told me her dad hurts her & her mum. I'm worried about her. She is safe her for a year but she has to go back home to him. I don't know how to help her & don't want to start an international event. All of this has triggered me something fierce. My ex didn't hit me but some of the other stuff was reminding me. I want to help her but feel very paralysed right now. I just needed to get it out, sorry.

My best friend went home a few weeks ago. I cried for the first week because I miss him so much. He's my rock when I need strength and I've needed a lot of strength lately. I remember some new things and he said they were the bad word. He keeps trying to get me to understand that it happened to me. I'm struggling so much with that because I don't believe it. The person who hurt me was my ex husband. I'm struggling because I've read that it's wifely duties.....I know Tumblr isn't the best place for advise but it does sometimes have good information but my friend says to stop listening to it. He said what happened was bad & my new memories don't make it better. Today I got fuzzy, he tried to keep me present. He doesn't believe that sometimes I'm not me. He made me repeat some things and send him a photo of a drawing he made me to do to stay present. His plan was good but my others weren't happy with him. They were mad that he doesn't believe in them. We sent him the photo but it triggered me. A friend used to send me photos saying hi and the others wanted to do it to my friend but then they realised it was him. Anyways, then he realised I was fading so he asked my name. I said Anna Maria...I've no idea who that is...I've never heard the name before. My friend is worried. But I did come back faster than before. He thinks I've been traumatised and all these stupid memories are causing me to switch. Just not a good day today. I missing some friends and I miss my best friend. Sorry for rambling but I just needed to put it down.

Things have been bubbling up inside me lately, my daughter just turned 21 and I've been thinking that maybe I'm wrong for keeping things from her about her father. I don't know. The last time she saw him, she was 4 3/4 years old. He promised to come to her birthday party. He called on her birthday to tell me to tell her that he wouldn't be coming. I told him to break her heart himself. I put her on the phone and he told her. I was left with the aftermath but we moved forward. I've never told her much about her father. If she asks, I try to answer to the best of my ability. Most of the time, she didn't like my answers and she stopped asking me over time. I know that makes me horrible but I didn't want to be the bitter ex who badmouthed him. I also figured if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. Was I right or wrong...I'll never know. I made my choice and live with it daily. I found out in her teens, she had started asking my siblings about her daddy. They told her that he was a bum, drank too much, and did drugs. They didn't know about the other stuff. She asked me if it was true what her Auntie & Uncle had told her. I said yes. She has asked me why I didn't tell & I've explained the whole if you've nothing nice to say....anyways, now she's 21. Do I ever need to tell her about him or our marriage? Is it wrong if I keep it from her? If I tell her, how do I do it so I don't hurt her? I don't even know why I'm even considering telling her but if anyone has advise or any help, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you

Last night I met up with a friend from work, we went out drinking. I had just gotten there and the bar was spotlighting 2 drinks so you could get samples. I'm sure this guy didn't mean to freak me out but he did. He was an older guy and as I was getting a sample, he came up behind me and started talking to me. I jumped a bit. My ex would come up behind me so now I can't have anyone or anybody behind me. Like I said, I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it but I wasn't aware of anyone behind me so when he spoke it upset me. I was careless by not paying enough attention to my surroundings. I had been planning to do a whole update about what I've been doing for the past several months but I'm too tired right now & I want to write it correctly so I decided to write about last night. I hope everyone is having a good night tonight.....safe thoughts

It's been a very long time since I've typed something here - last year I think. But my counselling is coming to an end and that really scares me. I don't feel like I've made any progress or even begun to let my guard down with her. I don't feel like I know her. The time has passed so quickly. We haven't talked about the r*** yet, but I think we're going to the next time I see her. I don't know if I'll be able to. I don't think I could tell a person face to face what happened, I feel like such a sl*t. I'm not sure I even know how to go about it, as I don't remember so much of it. I think I was drugged. I was certainly extremely drunk like a regular idiot. But I kept on blanking out, loosing memories as they formed, and loosing more the following day. I know I dissociated at one point as I was floating above myself watching from a safe place. Perhaps that's what was happening with the memories, I'm not sure. But there's things I know I remembered vividly at or close to the time, which now seem to be gone. I don't know, it's all just a big mess. I just don't know how or where to start, and more than that, it scares me the idea of talking to someone about it especially as I don't like or trust people. Well that's my winge for today. Hope you're all okay. If you're faced this situation before with you're T, and have any words of wisdom / encouragement, feel free to post them. Take gentle care. Forest x

Skye here. I'm one of Copper's Insiders. I know the rules and do my best to follow 'em. On to the blog. For us, flashbacks and memories tend to come in waves. And when a new wave breaks, it is devastating. Many years ago, I handled the first wave...and did a damn poor job of it. Unable to control anything else, I controlled the body's food intake. And by "controlled" I mean stopped eating. Must have drove the parents nuts-- denying their kid food had been an effective tool in controlling her. Now here I was restricting...oh well. I think the body took some beatings over that one, but I don't know for sure. I don't handle pain that well, and have the annoying habit of fighting back when someone hits me. Whenever it looked like Rev (or whoever) was fixing to beat the body, I got shoved out of the way. Fighting back only made it worse. So that was the First Wave. Second wave happened about the same time we moved to Nashville. That's when Copper found herself permanently leading this unruly mob. I was, but stuff happened...I just couldn't do it. My faith took one too many blows, and as the new memories showed me one scene after another of people who claimed the cross of Christ blatantly ignoring half of His teachings and shattering the rest....I couldn't take it. Maybe someday I'll blog about that, how the memories broke something crucial inside of me. Not now. Years after the fact, those wounds still hurt. So I'm (we're) seeing a similar pattern. There's a huge alteration in eating habits. In Wave 1, I quit eating. In Wave 2, we went vegetarian. About a year ago we went back to eating meat, but in the past few months I've seen another shift. Granted, it's for the better-- whoever is directing the diet is really pushing for the fruits and veggies, and all the things food bloggers say are good for you. The body is healthier now than it's been in a while...but this is a big change. There were other things too, but the upshot is that we all knew a Third Wave was coming. I cannot tell you how grateful I am that Copper is in charge now, rather than me. We gave Aqua a truly horrible memory last week. To her credit, she barely flinched. And she told us that the way the body reacted as she read the memory aloud was one more proof that the stuff on the paper really happened. We lost most of the rest of that day. Most of Wednesday too. But somewhen in all that, somebody drew a picture. It shows a gorgeous wave, cresting and ready to break. Nestled in the curl of frothy water were the words "Hello Wave 3". I don't want to do this. I'm afraid to do this. There are two new memories and one journal entry in an unfamiliar hand in our notebook. I guess it's a good thing that Copper is our leader now. In her own odd way, she is so much stronger than me. If I had to sit there listening to Aqua reading memories like what we gave her last week, I would have been bent over a trash can, heaving. How Copper was able to sit through it is beyond me. The Third Wave is here, and there's not a lot we can do about it, other than ride it out. I wish I was stronger. I'd shoulder more of the Wave, take some off Copper. 'Cause much as we fuss, we really are best friends. Y'all have seen it on the boards. So have the few who know us both. Neither of us have many real-life friends, so we lean on each other. I guess that's what I need to do now. Be right there for her when she has to lean. 'Cause Waves suck.

Um, hi. This is Julia, one of Lucy's Insiders. I've never posted on a blog before , except by reblogging on tumblr. I'm more of a poet and artist, but lately things have been intense for us, so I want to try to write some of my thoughts down. Tomorrow is the anniversary of one of our SAs. It was our neighbor and I was fronting at the time, so I remember it the most. I feel so pissed when I think about what he did to us!!!!! It makes me want to hurt myself or someone else. I won't, because we "don't do that anymore", but I really really want to! Lucy doesn't even know what happened. She only knows that it DID happen. I can talk to Rain about it (she's another Insider) but she's managing a lot right now, so I don't want to bother her. I feel so useless and invisible. This sucks!!!!!!!! Thanks for listening, Julia

((*Pre-Warning! I do NOT tell my story in this entry, I talk about telling my story to someone else, so, no worries!*)) So, I live with my mother and she's gone away for training for work....for the next 8 weeks. The original plan was that she got to come home every weekend, but that has now changed. She called tonight and said she can't come home this weekend.. or next... and she's not sure from there on. There are so many reasons why I hate being home alone. During the day and even early night, I do fine. But somewhere around 9 or 10, something changes and I can't do it. Holy crap. I just Unrepressed. He showed up a little after 9 and had me in the car by 9:45. Wow. --- Ok, I'm calmed down a little bit from that...that's crazy. So, Sunday night was the first night alone and I did horrible. Crying, bad bad thoughts, self-harm, so much picking that it hurts to pick up anything. You can understand why I didn't even want to come home Monday night. But I couldn't leave my puppy to turn into a popsicle outside and starve my cats. My night class is with EB, and she afterwards she walked me to my car like always. She had been texting our mutual friend RM (Who has been in love with her since high school) and she was finally going to admit to him that she liked him. So we got in my car to stay warm and girl talked the evening away. Around 10:30 we went into town to get a bite to eat, and then I drove her back to the school. We were having that "Oh! Before I go, I gotta tell you..." conversation and like everyone all the time, she brought up CS (Best friend and who I really really like, but he doesn't know it.) I told her what I always do, "I can't do relationships" "It wouldn't work anyways" etc. *He told me that morning that he was getting deployed and I was devastated, still am, can't talk about it* But I realized that she didn't know that yet, so I told her and started crying. She asked me why do I always say that I can't do relationships. Something in me pushed me to tell her the truth. I didn't tell my whole story, just basics... but it was enough that she can kinda get a grip on my situation. It felt so weird talking to her like that. Me and EB aren't that close. My group at school, we're all best friends, but we have friendships inside friendships, if that makes sense. EB and my cousin AO are close, while me and KM are close. We realized that apart from car pooling for a 45 minute drive to the city 2 semesters ago, we'd never been alone together. EVER. and here I was telling her my story. She shared some of her past too, which made me feel like she wasn't just being nosy, she genuinely wanted to get closer to me... and that makes me so happy. It will be awkward tomorrow, seeing her again, and everything could still backfire right in my face, but I think it's worth the risk. After that, I came home and screamed and bawled my eyes out (Everything I was holding in during our conversation, I didn't want to scare her off) That wore me out enough that I fell right to sleep, and slept all the way through the night!! Woo hoo!! Tonight I'm pretty tired, and I only have to sleep until 6, so I hope I'll get a few hours in. The other 8 weeks though? That's another story...

I don't understand what is happening. All these emotions. All at once. I can't breathe. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to die. I can't even express it. So much going through my head. I start crying at nothing. I don't mean little things, I mean NOTHING. My mom hands the phone to me: I start crying. I look in the bathroom mirror: I start bawling. Fell asleep when I got home. Another nightmare. Futuristic stuff. He was a "bad guy" but I loved him. I tricked him into killing himself. Told him he would "respawn" like a video game, it was new technology. I helped him shove my knife in his throat. I screamed and cried once it was done. I grabbed him hand and told him I was sorry and that I loved him, but it had to be done. I could see his face, but I don't know who he was. That part bothers me the most. I woke up crying, wanting nothing more than to go back to sleep and somehow bring him back to life. What is wrong with me now?! Maybe my medication isn't working anymore? (Lexapro for G.A.D.) Maybe it's because I have been receiving so much positive attention lately. Normally that just makes me really angry. Which would explain why I keep being hateful to my mother. The girls and J say that C likes me. (yes, I'm an adult, but I still take relationships in a very middle school way.) That makes me even more mad. They know I like him. They know I've liked him since I was 7 and we played minor league together. Now they think he likes me back. How? How could he like me? Sure, he's my best friend and knows a lot about me that others don't. But on the other hand, there is a lot he doesn't know. KM says I should give it try, "date" him and try being a good girl. I was like that once. I had a fiancé that I was madly in love with. He knew EVERYTHING about me. We were dating long distance when my trauma happened. He moved to my county just to protect me. Besides my trauma, he was my first. I trusted him more than I had ever trusted anyone in my life. Until he lied. Years of love, passion, planning, and trust. gone. His entire life prior to us meeting was a lie. everything. The man that I love? Never existed. So of course, like 99% of us, I have trust issues. Now, I'm not saying C would hurt me like that. Heck, he is as close to perfect as I've ever seen. (He doesn't smoke, drink, cuss. He's a virgin. Never even had his first kiss as far as we know.) But I would hurt him. Taking such a pure, innocent "boy" like that, and stick him with a troubled, broken, wh**e like me?? Hah. But they don't get it. The girls and J can't understand what is so wrong with me. They can't understand why I don't deserve to be happy. Sure, I've hard enough pain to last me a lifetime (literally) but I've also caused a lot of pain. C needs someone as innocent as him. I don't know who I need yet. I'm starting to think no one. I have someone as broken as me. But he's not broken in the same way as me, and just as he can't understand my brokenness, I can't understand him. If you read this, thank you. Funny how you start on one thing and end on a completely different one.