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  1. Survive95

    Having a bad night

    I talked to my middle brother today and he started talking about my oldest brother that Sa me and he kept taking his side and kept talking about he’s his protector and how he’ll always be here for him no matter what and I just stayed on the phone and didn’t say anything I wish that I could of just told him what happened and maybe he would take my side and maybe he would actually protect me sometimes I get so mad because I always wanted my middle brother to be there for me and even when my dad R me all I wanted was for him to be there for me and he wasn’t but it’s not like I can really get mad
  2. ukt23

    It's not your fault

    This is a letter for my future self whenever I am PTSDing hard and start blaming and getting angry at myself: It's not your fault that he texted you again out of the blue It's not your fault that you went to his apartment to ask him to stop texting you It's not your fault that you started to get intimate with him after he manipulated you saying that he "liked you and liked spending time with you" It's not your fault that he was not listening to you when you verbally made it clear (with valid reasons) that you did not want to have sex It's not your fault that his roo
  3. So starting this month I've been on one dose of Wellbutrin right when I wake up and two doses four hours apart of Adderall, each per day. I've noticed I get really anxious and depressed if I am alone after my second dose wears off. Some nights almost suicidal. Two weeks ago over the weekend meds wore off and I got so anxious and hopeless that I self harmed for the first time in years. The next morning I had to have someone talk me out of committing suicide (as in, I was seriously considering it but I worded it to them that I was just triggered and tempted to self harm) and walk me through some
  4. healingt

    My Rape Story

    The night started in the local Rite-Aid parking lot. "If only I hadn't have used the restroom," I torment myself. the little things. I warmed up to them and we hit it off; they even joked about me joining their friend-group. After a while, the self-proclaimed ‘leader’of the group asked for my number. Innocently, I gave it to him. After making small talk with the boys for about an hour, I decided to head home. “What a cool crowd,” I thought. Shortly after arriving home, the boy–Simon–texted me and asked for my snap-chat. The conversation continued, which included his casual, light-hea
  5. msmary

    Day 2

    Today I talked to someone on the RAINN crisis chatline. I had a really honest talk in a way that I never have with someone about my most scarring trauma. We discussed how my sexual preferences don't change the way consent is experienced. I for the first time ever felt confirmed that I did experience SA. I don't know how I feel about it. I mostly just feel numb. I realized that I need to work on getting a better support system and that I can do that by being honest and letting some people in. I think I have moved past day 1.
  6. msmary

    Day 1

    My life is kind of in shambles right now. I'm in a temporary job situation where I have to live at a summer camp with 16 adults and 60 some children, away from my boyfriend. In my first few weeks there I got moved into a building where it was me in one room and a male stranger in another and we were sharing a bathroom where the door didn't lock. He seemed like a nice guy but being alone with him made me anxious based off my previous experiences in similar dorm style situations. I had too tell my boss who didn't react in the way I needed him too and ever since I've been realizing that I may not
  7. survivor07

    Values

    He told me to lay back....I did. He rubbed my stomach....He put his finger in the middle of my chest and drew an imaginary line down my stomach and belw my belly button. I was wearing jeans. He undid the button and I didn't stop him. I should've pushed his hand away or hugged him to get him to stop. He undid the zipper and I didn't fight him. All I could do was bite my lip as I started to cry. His hands were so soft and warm. I could feel them inching closer to what I valued most. He moved around and I hated it. I couldn't wait for it to be over. I didn't understand how anyone could possible e
  8. when i was 12 yrs old and told someone i was being raped everyday, it was not believed because i was a good student and a good kid. when i was 14 and asking for help with drug addiction and alcoholism, i was not believed because i was too smart and had so many things going for me. i am 43 now and asking for help with depression and gambling addiction and not taken seriously because i go to work, help other people, haven't lost my home or my husband and seem to function as normally as everyone else. what people dont seem to realize is i find myself doing the most drastic things. this morning i
  9. oakprs

    More experiences

    After wring my story the other day, there were other thoughts I wanted to get out as well, but writing it all at once would have been way too long and way too draining. I'm writing now about the fact that I was pretty much surrounded with the point that my body does not belong to me and that I was not allowed to refuse beng touched. Besides the two I wrote about there were other little things that just served to drive the point home. 1) there was another family friend who would watch my sister and I when babysitter 1 could not. They had two children themselves one was a girl about a
  10. oakprs

    detailed story

    So the blog is a pretty cool idea, I honestly just noticed this was a feature. I think it might serve me well of just being able to write things mostly for the sake of having to get it out and others may read at will or not. I guess I'll start just by telling my story and whatnot. I've told it a few times before, but it does help just to get it out. Plus the image keeps running through my head so I might as well give it a place to land for a while. ***TW*** I'm not holding back on details!! I was SA by my babysitter's son from the ages of 6-9 (approximate ages base
  11. So i'm new to this forum, but I've discovered blogs. I'm a little happy about that, as I can express myself freely without triggering myself or others of course. Today I'm meeting with my counselor from the women's shelter. She's an amazing woman, who encourages and inspires me. We made an intervention plan together that involves 4 consequences of what I've been through, and the means to help me overcome them. The two biggest and hardest ones to overcome are suicidal thoughts, and flash backs. This past weekend was very difficult for me, I ended up calling a suicide crisis line....someone tal
  12. my husband's laughter has changed or maybe its just me. i dont know but i hear that laughter and i am flushed back to being buried in that basement or being passed around. im so sick at my stomach and so angry i feel like i could rip the flesh from my own body. the husband is good hearted. i tell myself when he forces things to happen that i dont want its not his fault, its just my issues. normal people should enjoy that stuff and i want to be normal. i tell him it makes me want to vomit and his response was he was ok with that. wtf?!?!?!?! i feel like i married my rapist.
  13. I dont understand the need for sex. i dont have it but my husband does and sometimes it becomes an issue. i do love him and i want to make him happy but sometimes the only way to do that is to do what i dont want to do. i fake it and do everything i can to get it over with quickly. sometimes i cant even hold back the tears but he either hasnt ever noticed or chooses not to mention it. i cant understand the frustration he seems to have when he doesnt get it and he cant understand my lack of need for it. sometimes, like now, i feel like i have no way out and i am back in that dark dirt and stone
  14. soooo.... husband and i have been at odds over a few things for a while. we both avoid because it is easier. tonight, apparently, i did not want things easier. i brought up a touchy subject between us. it didnt go well as usual. feelings were hurt. i left. later, i tried to call to smooth things over. that made things worse. husband pissed me off so i made the trip home to address it. worse to horrible. things came out of my mouth that i had kept to myself for two years. i feel miserable, not because i did it. i knew i would at some point because things have just bothered me for too long. i fe
  15. These memories will not leave me alone. I just want to break down and cry. Honestly, I want to die right now. I don’t think I can handle this. I keep remembering and it doesn’t stop.. Round and round in m head, I’m on a carousal and I’m not allowed off. I keep seeing my uncle. It’s summer and Tyler is baby-sitting me again. I keep wishing they would stop letting him watch me. It’s night time and still no one is home. I am starting to believe they will never come home. Tyler comes into the room and I know one of his games are about to start and even if I pretend to be asleep he won’t stop. Ther
  16. TW-swearing My best friend officially told me goodbye yesterday. He said he couldn't handle me anymore. I just wanted to tell him....I told you that! He said he would never leave....LIAR He said he was there for me no matter what....LIAR He said what happened was wrong....LIAR He just invalidated everything he ever said to me.....LIAR He knew he would hurt me so badly by leaving me......LIAR He knew I will self destruct....LIAR I no longer trust anyone because everyone lies....they lie to get what they want from you and then leave like fucking parasites!! I hate him but understand! I feel noth
  17. I'm 100 emotions but feeling none of them. My car's power steering when out tonight. I'm supposed to go someplace tomorrow and I just don't want to. I miss my friend and a few other friends. I'm just sad and all over the place! I just want to curl up in bed and cry but I can't cry. At some point, I think I need to process what I allowed to happen to me over the weekend but I don't know when. I keep seeing the guy's face in my dreams but I've no one to blame but me. I put myself there so I deserve everything. I know I'm acting out but I can't stop myself. Sorry
  18. I'm warning that this post is about sex......TW.....please be safe whilst reading this I never posted my story. I can't...I've written it once and copy and pasted it ever since. I read it when I send it to a friend but I forget it immediately afterwards. Suffice to say that my ex husband was my problem. He was my first and only until this past week. I've lived like a nun for over 20 years....my friends understand the joke. I'm quite the innocent and never ever considered a one night stand or Tinder.....so I joined Tinder....well a part of me did. I met a guy and we hit it. He said that I was i
  19. TW for talk about sex When do I cross the line? I haven't had sex in forever and now I can't stop.(Ok, it's only been 2 guys so far) It's like I have this pent up, I don't know what and can't get it out. A guy that wants to get with me tonight asked me what did I like about sex......I told him I don't know. I'm trying to figure it out. I feel like I'm using it as a way to self harm myself. I can't cut but I can have sex with strangers....what the hell is wrong with me?! I've never been this way and now I am. I don't even feel anything. I'm not attached to them. I'm not having mind blowing sex.
  20. Trigger Warning-Please read if you are in a safe place.......I'm going to use swearing and talk about sex. I'm self destructing! I thought I was doing good but I'm not. I have to stop myself but don't know how. If you read my blog, you know that I've tried Tinder......the Virgin Queen has now officially been with 2 men besides her ex husband....actually I used to call myself a nun but now I've left the convent! =D I already talked about the first guy and how great he was. The second guy was fun. We had 2 days of fun. I still don't understand why guys need to kiss and complement women when they
  21. I can't anymore I just can't. I want to go to leave this planet. I'm so alone right now. I'm so useless I'm a waste of space on this this earth, why would I want to go on. This is stupid. I'm sat here, alone, distrort, clueless, scared, sick to death or everything. No one cares about me, and if they did or do, I'm either unaware of it, or I'm successfully pushed them away. I'm alone. Alone, alone, alone, alone alone - always alone. I was born alone, and I'll die alone. I feel the deep hurt again tonight - it's surfacing. I can't supress it tonight and I'm not in control. I don't know w
  22. I'm not sure where this is going so I figured I'd put the tag on there in case..... My first time was with my ex husband and I hadn't been with anyone else for 20 years. Then recently I joined Tinder (a hook up site)....I didn't know what to expect. I've horrible problems with men and have been afraid forever of having sex. The first guy who responded straight out said he wanted hot sex....it freaked me out and my others came out to take care of it. (They are the ones who signed us up for this site) I had a bad feeling and just didn't follow through. The next guy, the one I enjoyed 2 nights wi
  23. crisxo

    Just Emotional

    So, this is just from a topic I started, but felt I needed to move it here, to my blog. I've decided, I am going to start using this, as I discovered, I like being able to write about things. Well, type. I figure most people won't read this so it feels a little safe but also like I'm able to put my feelings out there, without actually putting them out there and effect people irl. Basically I feel a little anonymous and I don't think I can handle talking about this in real life. However, I'm hoping it will effect me in some positive way. I tend to keep my emotions inside, sure I have my breakdo
  24. ive spent some time thinking about what has been going on in my head and i think i can see some of the triggers im having. when i get ready to go anywhere, my husband has this habit of cornering me and blocking my exit. he is much larger and stronger than i am and i feel like i did when my stepfather trapped me in rooms and wouldnt let me out until i paid his toll. even now i make myself 'pay' in advance to get out when i want to go. it feels sickening to think about why i do it. i love him and he is a good man and it would probably tear him apart to know how i feel with his behavior and with
  25. A rough couple of days with issues of feeling like i have been triggered but not sure why. I have made some requests for counseling to work through this time but no answers so i guess its another time of going it alone. not a whole lot of the 'i give up' thoughts but really drowning in the 'i deserve to be punished' thoughts. i had really hoped i could find someone willing to sit with me for a while to get through this but as usual, i go it alone. im tired. i answer the call all hours several times a week but when i finally tried to reach out to someone, no one is there. i have convinced mysel
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