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  1. Hi. I’m continuing on my healing journey and think it’s a good idea for me to connect with other who can maybe understand a bit of what I’m going through- thinking, feeling, struggling. I’m in a safe environment now that I’ve built for myself and I’m doing EMDR therapy which is going to help. I’ve started to remember now the things that happened to me during my childhood. I always had the feelings and PTSD symptoms, but I’m starting to really see why. And to be frank, it’s horrendous. I don’t know anyone who’s gone through anything remotely similar. I just want to know that there are people ou
  2. Hello. I am a new member and I have never been involved in anything like this before. I am struggling with an upcoming anniversary date and would be open to suggestions other members may have of what they have done to move beyond these periods. Thanks!
  3. I know I am good at writing about my feelings. That’s always been the case with me. Talking about them – not so much, but writing about them always enables me to explore them further in depth. Lately, I’ve had a lot on my mind and plate. It shows at home the most, where I am constantly snapping - my daughter and I have been like snapping turtles lately, but we have gotten better at communicating as politely as possible whenever one of us is getting on the other's nerves. It shows at work - I'm not sleeping very well at night, so I'm dragging ass and daydreaming when I really should be payi
  4. Haze_D

    Four wishes

    I wish your words cut like knives. Tearing open my innocent flesh, So that I could see you were a monster. I would have stood a chance. I wish your touch left bruises. My battered body could have matched my broken soul. Skin painted black and purple means run. But I stayed. I wish your kisses were daggers, I would not have mistaken it for love It was a dark, dark hellish force, With the smile of a saint. I wish it was “bad”. The shame wouldn’t live in my body, The guilt wouldn’t eat me alive. But it’s never “bad” enough, is it?
  5. So, the clinic visit... Here's how it went. I scheduled a visit with the OBGYN because when I called the urgent care clinic the triage nurse said that due to my situation it would be best if I just went directly to them, because urgent care doesn't do "procedures" and they'd most likely be referring me to the OBGYN department anyways. So I'm there,filling out forms. I get called back and the nurse is just a flat out bit*h. She hones in on the "how many pregnancies" and "how many children" questions real quick. She says, "it says here 3 pregnancies, 2 births. Did you have an abor
  6. This is going to be a painful post. Please skip it if you need to. Part of me working through this is writing it out. I know that for quite a few of you, part of working through your own stuff does not include reading a first person account of my physical and mental anguish. Please do what you need to do for you. Take care of yourself my friend. This post has taken me about a month to write. RR If you have gone through something like this, I hope you know that you are not alone. There are so many women who've gone through this and for a variety of reasons we don't really see eac
  7. hopefully this isn't too much info, i just needed to get it off my chest. hi everyone, i'm new here and super nervous about this. when i was 3 i was sexually assaulted by my brother who was 5. this means i struggle with the blame and everything, because i don't know if he knew better or not. and i blame myself because i was too young to say no. i repressed this memory and didn't remember it until i was about 14 (i'm 18 now). i'm trying to work through it but struggling, and i think i just really need to find people in the same situation as me so i feel less alone.
  8. Hi all, I'm new here and excited to get started on my journey of healing. It's been five years since I was raped by my partner at the time and have gone to therapy consistently since. I hope from this online forum I will find some inner peace that I haven't been able to achieve on my own. I'm proud of myself and how far I have come over these past 5 years, but will it ever stop replaying in my mind? Looking to help others and for some guidance from those who can give me some tips! Blessed to be here and thankful to have found this outlet to help.
  9. Hi, I’m new(ish) on here. I was on before after I was r***d. I’m so frustrated that I’m back here. I feel like I have no right to feel this way after I ‘recovered’ once. I just feel like I'm back where I started.
  10. For readablity's sake the first half of this was written almost a month ago. The two subjects do intersect, though, so I'm including them in the same post. The past few weeks I've been thinking about this quote. It has a series of statements like "people will be jerks, help them anyway. People will act selfishly, forgive them anyway." The context of the original quote is pretty interesting. Here's more about that if you care to do a lil more reading. https://quoteinvestigator.com/tag/mother-teresa/ TLDR-it wasn't Mother Theresa who said it originally. The part that stuck in my
  11. Between hushed pants and ‘I love you’s’ I laid silent. How could someone who claimed to love me so much do this to me? The ceiling is to keep one closed in and safe, So why when I looked at the ceiling was I in danger Through rhythms that repeated, I prayed for it to be over. “It only lasts A few minutes” I told myself I reassured myself I’d keep you forever this way No matter how many times I let you do it despite it ruining my sanity, You left. It happened so often I twisted it in my mind and told myself that this was your way of love,
  12. I look a lot like my mother. I grew up in a really rural area, the kind of place where everyone knows everyone. So even if I didn't know them, most people knew that I was "biomom's kid." When I was a teenager I used to hate this. It still kind of irritates me, but with several decades of experience, and some blunt stone faced answers to total strangers (more on that some other day) I've learned to deal with it... sorta. It helps that I live hundreds of miles from the little blink-and-you'll-miss-it place I was raised. The thing that bugs me is that it's irritating as fuck how much I hate
  13. At a low point but first time at one of these points where I have a therapist I really like. I have “my body is a cage” stuck on repeat in my head atm. It’s sickeningly appropriate for how I feel. ***Trigger Warning**** Wanting to crash diet, count cals, keep food journal, look at certain things online. (if you know what I mean, you know..) wanting to feel anything but my feelings...so visualizing self harm a lot. It’s how I cope with not self harming...haven’t in 10+ yrs. my depression is just bad and I want to focus on anything but feelings...while also
  14. Hi everyone. I'm not new here, I've been gone for a few months, but I'm back, alot of new names, I'm sorry for what has brought you all here. I thought I was doing ok, I thought i was handeling life ok, not great but ok. I got myself through day to day life in one piece, and have been there for my daughter and her health struggles. My counselor had her own mental breakdown and was gone for 6 months, she's back now, but i don't know if it feels the same. I don't blame her for breaking down, even the strongest of people break eventually when too much is thrown at them. For her she tel
  15. purge

    TW: swearing, anger

    fuck you and fuck your bullshit apology you can shove it up your ass
  16. purge

    ...

    and now that it's over i'll never be sober
  17. purge

    TW e*ting d*sorder

    wish i was like you blue-eyed blondie perfect body i've been starving myself carving skin until my bones are showing (beach bunny - prom queen)
  18. purge

    ...

    i think i should know, how to make love to something innocent without leaving my fingerprints on L-O-V-E's just another word i'll never learn to pronounce
  19. purge

    ...

    so far has not been good it's been shitty
  20. I have trouble with the passage of time. The beginning of last week started out really painful and emotional. I was out of my apartment because of the situation I wrote about two blog posts ago, and I was facing two weeks at my mothers house. I was in a state of complete anger and delusion. I was redirecting all that anger towards my roommate/ex/best friend because he was, "kicking me out." Now, those two weeks are almost up. Things don't feel as painful or emotional and I don't feel as angry and upset. But I am a paranoid person and I know how my mental illness works. Time is fleeting, we exp
  21. I can't sleep. Often at night, I get this phantom feeling that someone is touching me. I think its my mind remembering when I wanted to scream "don't touch me!" All those times. Especially the first time. And I can't get peace now. My mind keeps reliving that helpless feeling. I just want to go back in time and have the awareness of mind to say "don't touch me" and get away from him. First comes the shame and self pity then comes the anger. At him. At myself. Mostly At myself.
  22. purge

    ....

    when i cried i cried alone and when i begged for help no one came
  23. Writing out these thoughts has been tough, not just because I'm finally coming to terms with a part of my childhood I forso long hoped would just disappear, but I'm having trouble putting it down in words. And I know that at some future date when I am comfortable with the idea of sharing this blog's contents with Ls and Lb, I don't want to hurt them more. Even now, all these years later, I'm trying to shield them from the pain my csa may cause them. I know I'm not responsible for it. I cannot continue to play the roll of preschooler RR, taking care of everyone else's feelings like my own don't
  24. I've had a rough couple of days. I had Covid for the entire month of May. I've started feeling better; and then I woke up Monday morning barely able to move. My back hurts, pain radiates around my body and into my chest. My ribs hurt, I have pain going into my arms and my legs. I cant take a deep breath, I cant talk very long, or stand up or sit down or I get really bad chest and back pain. I've had issues with my spine for the last 10 years. I've had 2 neck surgeries and 1 lower back surgeries. I know I currently have 2 herniated discs in my thoracic spine and 1 in my lumbar spine.
  25. I've been writing this blog for a while now and I have a few observations. Some were expected, others surprising. Occasionally (either while I'm just thinking about what to write or, much less often, while I'm actually writing,) when something happens that reminds me of mychildhood - a smell, a sound, etc) I burst into tears, reminded of how I felt as a kid. It's been happening several times a week. This usually only lasts a few minutes. I feel profoundly sad for the young RR. It's like I'm feeling all this now because I'm allowed to feel this now. Sometimes I don't know what the myste
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