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Found 56 results

  1. beckwhatheheck

    Belief

    I have always been afraid to speak of my mistreatment. I carried it around with me because I was always told it was my fault. Everyone always told me who I was, I never had the chance to myself. So I have stayed silent. I took the pain and turned it into a smile. This smile wasn't just an ordinary smile, there were many elements to it. Confusion, fear, anger, sadness, hopelessness... It felt like the weight of the world and I felt it all alone. I also felt happiness. I felt it when I felt the warmth of my mothers hugs. I felt it when my friends told a joke and made me laugh until my ab musucles were sore. I felt it when I was surrounded by beautiful music and good friends. Most importantly I felt happiness through others. Giving all of my love and care for others has been easier than giving myself the love and care I needed. Something I continuously struggle with. Seven years. Seven years I have smiled that crooked smile. The deceiving smile that hides my fears. I was fourteen, a child, when he grabbed me and starting touching me places that have never been touched. He made me bleed. He took pride in his blood stained hands as I cried myself to sleep. He decided my worth. That was only the beginning. I was fifteen and he was twenty-two when he decided I was "old enough." He rubbed his lips against mine and his hands on my body. No one knew because it would have "caused trouble." He decided my worth. I was sixteen and had no worth. I had no love for myself because I was use to the abuse. I began to abuse myself. I gave myself away even though I did not want it. Everyone decided my worth. I laid there but was not present. I was hopeless. I was worthless. I was nothing. They all told me, over and over again. Through the Internet, the phone, everywhere. I was trapped. I was destructive. Several times I was taken advantage of and assaulted because I was so intoxicated and helpless. But they all knew "who I was." I was seventeen and did not want it. I laid on the bathroom floor lifeless. I can still feel the pressure of his hands digging my wrist into the floor. I was released and alone on the bathroom floor. No one knew I did not want it. No one would have believed it either. I was eighteen and a freshman in college. It was a different state, a new environment, a new start... Right? I still took the bottle and drank until I was numb. My friends left me alone with him. He seemed to be a really nice guy. They let me go off with him (he was sober) into the night. He made out with my face. He tried to take me back to his dorm but I wasn't able to walk. He laid me underneath a bridge and he left me. He left me there and called someone to get me. It was my fault. New beginnings right? I tried to forget. I tried to find comfort in a "real" relationship. I was eighteen and the emotional abuse began. All I wanted was his attention. I wanted something "normal" and I let him use and abuse me. I was verbally and emotionally abused for over a year. It felt normal. I did not know my worth, I let him decide my worth. Please do not ask me why now or why not then. Do not ask me any more details. Do not question my story because for seven years I was alone and afraid that everyone would question me and no one would believe me. I covered my face as I told him my story. I was shaking with fear, but I told him. I told him and he believed. He cared and he loved me regardless. He believed me and he started this journey with me and I feel stronger because of it. It felt as if a weight was lifted from my heart. Not everyday is a walk in the park because I told someone. My anxiety continues and my night terrors stay consistent. The only difference is I am not alone. I have found strength in my past and strength in my future with the love of my life who was the first to believe me.
  2. Hello everyone, My name is Rebekah and I am new to after silence. It's been seven years and I am finally breaking my silence. It's unbelievably scary but I am hoping that this group can help me learn to heal and grow. I am somewhat confused on how to use some of the forums but hopefully will figure it out soon. It's so nice to have a safe place to talk to others. I haven't had this before and it's really comforting in a very intimidating place I am in right now.
  3. I'm very new to this group, first day. Just wanted to say hello, and let you know that I am here, reading what you are posting. I am a survivor of severe sexual trauma. I'm anxious to tell my story, but would rather read the guidelines and get a feel for everything first. Take care, ScaredButStrong
  4. Hi I'm SJD but you can call me SJ I'm a survivor like most of you. I am here to connect with other female survivors and get some advice/validation about certain things. I had done a sight similar to this in the past but had a really bad experience with it. Hoping this is better. I would like to have access to the chat rooms and to the female only forums and probably some others as my time goes on. A bit about me: I am a 21 year old College student and I am studying psychology. I want to get my masters in counseling and have a private practice that will focus mainly on females from early adolescents on who have a background in abuse, trauma, depression, anxiety, and self harm. I want to help in the healing process and let them know they aren't alone. I have learned through various mentoring programs and my own life that survivors respond better when people who are helping them heal have been put through the process themselves and understand shat they are feeling completely. I feel like my own experiences will allow me to connect with my future clients more and help them heal knowing I have been there too. I am also an actress when not in school. I love musicals. I sing all the time and know a lot of people on broadway and other places so it's nice to be able to connect with others in the community as well. I audition for things all the time and love every second of it. I have also played soccer and did competitive ice skating (for 8 years). I can't wait to connect with others and get some answers and opinions as well as help others!
  5. Not sure if I am posting in the right place, just wanted to say hi and that I am a new member. My name is Eve, and I am 20 years old.
  6. ........hi im kinda scared to say hi please dont be mean....
  7. Hi, I've been going thru a lot of things. and I don't know where to turn. thank you. hope everyone has a great day :D
  8. Hello everyone, I don't know if being a part of this site will help me, but I figure it is worth a shot. I've been feeling very alone, and I have been looking for people to talk to. I've yet to tell anyone what happened aside from my therapist, so until I find the courage to tell them I'm hoping everyone here can make me feel less alone.
  9. Hello, my name is Katie,and i am 16 years old. I enjoy music, video games and reading, I go to a student-led school which means we make all the rules and guidelines, and i take all my classes online as this is how the school works. So, i hope to be able to go on after silence a lot and start my journey back onto the good and healthy path of adolescence after the trauma. I am a diagnosed GAD (had it since i was little) and i have had a Depression Disorder since Middle school. Since my abuse both have become considerably worse, and i wanna work on becoming the person i was before. My goal on after Silence is too meet new people, maybe some other teens like myself, and talk about our experiences in life that led us down the path we are on. I want to grow away from my abuse and help others do the same.
  10. Hello, my name is Katie,and i am 16 years old. I enjoy music, video games and reading, I go to a student-led school which means we make all the rules and guidelines, and i take all my classes online as this is how the school works. So, i hope to be able to go on after silence a lot and start my journey back onto the good and healthy path of adolescence after the trauma. I am a diagnosed GAD (had it since i was little) and i have had a Depression Disorder since Middle school. Since my abuse both have become considerably worse, and i wanna work on becoming the person i was before. My goal on after Silence is too meet new people, maybe some other teens like myself, and talk about our experiences in life that led us down the path we are on. I want to grow away from my abuse and help others do the same.
  11. Hello, everyone! I'm so glad I found this place - all the other survivor forums were very inactive... Um, I go by KJ on the internet. I'm 19, and a lover of all things psychology. I love writing, reading and painting. I used to love performing on a stage, singing and dancing but haven't been able to do that for a while. I'm diagnosed with depression, anxiety and PTSD. I've been in counseling for a couple of years. I thought it was time for me to find a safe place for deeper healing and discussion of the deeper issues. I'm excited to meet everyone and post things and read helpful things.
  12. Hi, I'm Gabie, and I'm new to After Silence. I'm hoping I can get the support that I've been wishing I received years ago. I'm excited to speak to and hear from other people. <3
  13. Hi, I'm new to the site, I'm a survivor and am looking to hear from and speak with other people. Thanks.
  14. Hi everyone, I just wanted to introduce myself. I'm 20 years old and live in Dublin. I am very very new to all of this, it has only been about 36 hours since what happened happened. I haven't fully wrapped my head around all of it honestly, let alone effectively talked about it, but being it in a community of people who might understand how I feel is definitely comforting. I just want to thank you all for all the love and support you provide each other and newbies like me everyday. It's a ray of light in a dark situation, so thank you all I look forward to meeting you and finding some resolution together. -Ellen
  15. Hello All! My name is Lilith (that is what I call myself inside my head) I am married to a wonderful guy (super supportive and totally lost on how to help me). I used to paint and make jewelry and crafts were my thing. Then I started to remember.... and I shut down ( I didn't even want to hug my husband for almost a year... did I mention he is awesome? He understood.) One day at work someone brought me some melt and pour soap they had made. It was awesome. It was orange and smelled wonderful. ... It hit me like a truck.... I can make this.... I NEED to make this.... I poured myself into soap making, the art, that science, the oils, the methods. I love it. I had a distraction... I could focus on something creative again... something I could use and feel good about.... I MADE THAT. Me. I made something you can use. That people need. I am trying to heal, hugging the man I love again... and making soap. (even if he picks on me a little about much I talk about it) He loves me and my obsession with soap. I have told him what happened. He tries to talk to me but there is only so much he can say... he doesn't know what to say... so he hugs me and helps me soap. I am happy I have found a place I can talk. I don't know where to start healing so I turned to bubbles...
  16. I told my best friend about what happened to me. It was hard, and at first I am not completely sure if she believed me or not. But after the words came out of my mouth, "I was raped by my brother," she at first was shocked. Then she hugged me, and told me that it would be okay. I felt like there was this weight lifted off my shoulders and it feels good. I urge anyone who is in the same position as me, or knows somebody who is. Tell somebody, even if it is a friend. It will help, I promise. I feel like I am one step closer to becoming myself again, like I can carry the weight of what happened and not let it affect me anymore. Much love xx
  17. Hey, I'm new here, so I don't exactly know how to do this or what to say. I honestly doubt very many people will read this. But it makes me feel better typing this. I was raped when I was child, various times on many accounts. My rapist, my brother, should have known better. But truth is, I know he knew better. I'm 16 now, and he's in his 20s. Nothing's happened, and almost nobody knows, and now I'm trying to get better. I know I can do it. If anyone has any advice, please, I'm open ears. I need all I can get.
  18. Hi this is my first post and my first time being a member of a support group for survivors. I am a 21 year old Christian and am partially disabled. I was assaulted years ago, when I was in middle school. I kept it a secret until I was an adult and now I'm trying to move on and have a normal life. Hoping to find some inspiration.
  19. Hello, I've never done this way to meet other survivors before, so I apologies if I post anything triggering or insulting. I dont want to hurt anyone in any possible way. Quick recap of myself.. In the past 5 years, my life has shattered Due to the fact that ive been sexually assulted 5 times, raped 3 times, sexually and emotionally abused 2 times, and sexually harassed by 1. ( all in the past 5 years ) I was then diagnosed with anxiety, PTSD, and eating disorder. Ive seeked help from multiple doctors and therapists, sadly though ive also experienced not so helping professional help, but have lucky found the right therapist a year ago The problem is that even though I see her once a week, I still havent been able to fully except my past and move on ... Reason for why I have choosen to seek help on the internet from other survivors .... not alot of people in my life know what ive been threw due to the fact they dont understand what its like and also the fact im to scared to tell others .. As its a new year begins Ive decided to make this the year that I can live once again and finally be able to tell my story without doubt or fear If anyone needs someone to talk to im more then happy to help I cant promise you that I will be the greatest help, but I can promise to try my best and be honest with you -A
  20. I guess, this is an introduction of sorts. I've been battling the backlash of the past and feel like it's time to actually reach out to anyone who can understand these feelings. I have no idea where to even begin anymore. There are weeks, months even that I feel fine and that I've overcome and all is well. Suddenly, I feel as though I'm back at square one. Here's to hoping I find some clarity.
  21. Hello everyone!! So glad to find this site. I actually found it a few years ago, but did not stay committed. Been having some problems lately, related to PTSD, so my therapist found the site again for me. I'm not usually a shy person, but I am still greatly bothered by the rape and molestation that I've experienced. I'm looking forward to continuing my healing journey with this site and support. Thank you Aftersilence for who you are and what you do!
  22. Hello all, My name is Zach. As long as the internet has been around, I don't know why it took me so long to find a forum to talk about these issues and to quit feeling so alone in all of this. I am 22 and in college. I think I was sexually abused between the ages of 5 and 10. It has been about 12 years since then, yet it still rules my life to this day. Hoping to gain some peace.
  23. Hello, new here! Hoping for some guidance. A few years ago I told a couple of my friends about what my sister's (now ex) boyfriend did to me when I about 8 years old (I'm 18 now) but they just shrugged it off like it didn't matter. I don't trust my family enough to talk to them about it. I have since found a lovely guy of my own but I now I feel dirty knowing I've had sex with 2 guys. He stole something important from me, and I'm considering having a hymenoplasty, and saving sex for our honeymoon. A second attempt to get it right, and have a fresh start. I want to be healed emotionally and was hoping to receive some advice from people who understand, is there any action I can take? I know who he is. Thank you
  24. Hello. I am new here. Abused for 11 years as a child. Date raped once attempted twice. I thought I had everything dealt with. I am 44 now and things have been coming back. I'm tired of being a victim. I thought I was a survivor, but now I don't know.
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