Thank you all for your warm welcomes.
I have been sexually abused twice.
I wrote a lot lately about what has happened to me and things are starting to clear up a lot by writing it down, but it's the understanding part that still needs to kick in I guess. I know how the sexual abuse influences my life (the aftermath physically and mentally), but I forget why I keep punishing myself by underachieving and eating.
I did some research on the internet and the biggest hings I have to deal with right now is:
- sleeping disorder/fatigue
- dissociative disorder
- inability to trust
- not trusting my own perception/second guessing descisions
- inability for emotional bonding (friends), as nobody was there when I needed them I don't see the use in building friendships anymore. Then when I need somebody, there is nobody to help me
- low self esteem, I'm not able to achieve my goals, as I have the feeling I'm not important and I'm not worthy enough to achieve them. I keep punishing myself by underachieving
- I either overeat, which make me feel disgusting or hardly eat anything which makes me feel in control
- I tend to make situations worse to see if somebody is going to stick around and help me
- inability to have fun, cause I'm ashamed of what happened and have the feeling I don't deserve to have fun. Also because people in my enviroment used this excuse the excuse that I was sexually abused cause I was always fun to be around and always smiling
- withdrawal from friends & usual activities
The thing that worries me the most is that I used to be a really good student. As time went by the last few years I noticed it's harder for me to remember things and understand things.
I read something on the internet about how sexual abuse can cause changes in your hippocampus, which is part of the brain involving learning & memory, as well as handling stress.
Right now it's like being outside of my own body sometimes. I hear information, but most of the time fail to memorize it or understand it. At my new job I notice that simple solutions didn't come to mind, while before I would have thought of them myself.
Right now nothing makes sense....
I used to be an athlete playing on a high level (and I still do), but all this has cause me to underachieve and having inability to enjoy the game.
I went to a phsychologist once, but it's so expensive and I don't have the money to go there.
I feel so alone and "weird", not to mention I feel that people are disgusted by me.