Im in such a funk at the moment. I cant rest, im comfort eating, so then i feel bad. My spending is outta control again - always spend it on food tho! lol. Good expensive food. U gotta laugh! im getting fatter and unhappier by the second and all i can do is drink, smoke and eat. It cud be worse, oh krikey it can always be worse, but im pretty worried. Now i can hardly sleep at all without medication. This hyper-vigilance thing is waring pretty thin after 16yrs. I have therapy on Wed, and to say im shitting my pants must be an understaement of massive proportions! Im crashing, again. I can feel it. Its like when i start falling from the plane - so far to go till u hit the bottom or the parachute opens, and feeling this low i cant even think positively. Grrrrrrr. lifes a pain in the ass! All i want to do is eat carbs, choclate, smoke, drink, n get laid 247 - oh the quest for endorpins is always a wild up n down ride. Thing is i just wanna stop the ride and get off. An impossibe dream i know, but i feel like im clinging onto the edge with my finger nails and i just dont know how much energy i have left... how long i can last? Heard a quote this week that i was stunned by. It just made so much sense. "Too weird to live, too rare to die". Wow. Also im really missing a mother figure in my life. This is nothing new i always have felt that i was out there on my own, but right now with my daughter growing up you wanna ring ur mum and ask advice when stuff happens. Well mine is an abusive crazy, so no chance. I just wanna mumsie hug and advice. I just wanna feel loved. I have never felt love ever except for my daughter. Weird. Anyway as i said, im in a funk! Its all doom and gloom, and quite frankly i need a good kick up the ass! so feel free! Rant done. Thanks.