[Hoping To Make Friends And Learn To Move On]

Hi Dash. Hi also from me a Marine Mom. Thank you so much for your service.

[Hi My Name Is Jewels]

Thanks for the welcome. It feels nice to be understood.

[Hi My Name Is Jewels]

I am so glad I found this place. I am 42 and have dealt with my child sexual abuse before. I know that things will trigger it back, but through therapy, I am finding that I have never really healed. I am so ready to heal. I am so tired. I don't want him to have the control anymore. I am so tired of being scared of the pain. I am really scared that I won't be able to heal. I have just really started talking about it to ppl I know. Before I would talk to a few ppl, but not many knew. I felt if they knew then they would know the * real me* and that me stills feels dirty, scared and very very bad. I know that I am not those things, well, except for scared, but knowing and believing it are two very different things. I am the great advoider and can manage to live a good life for a couple of years, then about every 5 to 7 yrs it comes back out.

This time in therapy has been so different. I went for Pain Mgmt counseling. As the trust grew with my therapist, the truth about me came spilling out. I mean I was honest on my intake, but acted like it wasn' t an issue any more.

I have alot of changes going on in my life. I am so ready to heal. It is time. I have alot of self awareness now and I see so much, but I still don't know the road to true healing. I hope I am on the right path though.

That's all for now. I might try to post my story. It seems that once I have started talking about it, it comes alot easier, but the more I talk, the more memories that are flooding back. I know that I have a tiny bit of hope that I will walk through the darkness and come out and see the light. But gosh that darkness is so darn scary. Everytime, I have got close to it, I have used some way to stuff it all back down.

Thanks for reading this if you made it this far.

Jewels