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littlebroken

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  1. Hi I am new to this forum, and I find myself here because I do not know what else to do. I had two (yes, two) nervous breakdowns a few months ago, and they seem to have stripped my mind of some of my defense mechanisms. I now have thoughts forcing themselves into my brain and I am struggling to keep them buried. I am not ready for them to come spilling out (although, I know that I am just going to have to lock myself in my room for a few days and get it over with so that I can move on) At this point, I am fighting to keep things from bubbling up. I have recognized since I was about 14 that I had developed symptoms of someone who had been sexually abused when I was quite young. I can remember watching an Oprah show where they went through a list of symptoms- and I had all of them. I knew that I had gone from being a normal child to one who was terrified and afraid to be alone. I had WAY too much knowledge of sexual matters for one so young and I was acting out in far too many ways to detail at this time. But I had no memories of having been abused... so I just accepted at that time that I probably was... that was about it. When I was 26, I started into therapy because I was very depressed. It was during one of those sessions where I had the start of a flash back and suddenly the reality of it all was very much inescapable. I suddenly knew who the perp was and about how old I was when the source of the flash back happened. But as soon as the flash back started, I immediately jumped from my chair and buried it. I have a very difficult time getting emotional in front of other people and I did not want to get upset in front of the therapist. (I know it sounds dumb- but that is me) Other flashbacks do not involve the abuse itself but visions of the perp approaching my house... seeing him walking up the sidewalk and running up the stairs to hide under my bed. What I know today is that I was sexually abused- possibly as early as 2 by a sibling or two and definitely at 4 by a neighbor- but concrete memories escape me- and I don't know if they are repressed or if I was just too young to remember- maybe it is a little of both. I am a master of keeping myself distracted with life, business and such. As of late, he distractions have not been working so well... So, I am finding that brief memories of - not the abuse itself, but the pain associated with how my family did not recognize the signs and how my mother has reacted to it all and still responds to me when she initiates a conversation- professing concern for my well being- and then, when I tell her anything about the pain I experience, she ignores it or brushes it off as though I am of no account- that makes me weep. I am trying to keep that under control because I don't want to visit any of this on my kids- (17 and 14) I just want to be their mom... not their emotionally screwed up parental figure. I can feel the pain of being so little and not understanding why nobody was protecting me... that forces weeping. I can feel something horrible boiling under the surface and trying to force it's way out and I am fighting to keep a lid on it. I don't really want to know what awful stuff is lying in the deepest recesses of my brain... Anyway- I find myself here because I do not know what to do. I am feeling composed and together right now but yesterday, I was weeping at the drop of a hat and struggling to keep it together. The day before that, I felt like I was hanging onto my sanity by a thread- I could not stop falling apart... mostly because I feel so much anger toward my mother. She (I believe) suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. In her mind, my pain only exists if she agrees that I have the pain... (she also believes God takes her opinions into consideration before making decisions of His own- I kid you not) For example, I have issues with strangers in my home (especially men) and if a man in my home gives off that predator vibe- it drives me to drink. My mother (who lives with my father in our basement) invited my older sister and her husband to stay with us for two weeks without clearing it with me. This guy gives off a serious predator vibe and my daughter and her female cousins have all said that this man tries to find excuses to hug them, and "accidentally" grope them etc. So, upon hearing that my mother had invited them, I had a fit and told my mother that I can't handle having this man in my home for 2 weeks because it triggers these issues for me and I don't want him in my house with my teen aged daughter. My mother brushed off my concerns and told me that what I believed the problem to be was not because of any issues I had personally, but that my whole family had collectively (there are 11 of us) and subconsciously decided that we have to dislike this man because my sister was the first born and so we all believe that my sister should not be with anyone and we are unfairly taking out old family issues on her husband and my mother feels bad for him, like she has to protect him and stand up for him... Oh I could just punch her in the head! Anyway... I am thinking that perhaps I should lock myself away and read some of the experiences posted on this site...(something I have been carefully avoiding for fear of what might trigger) I just question the wisdom of that course. Will I be able to handle it on my own if I begin to know what really happened to me? I do have many close and trusted friends who would come to my aid at the drop of a hat if I called them needing support- and my husband is really awesome about my issues...(he asked me if I needed him to lock himself in the room with me so I would not be alone) Maybe if I gave my friends a heads up that I was going to do that and then have them check on me occaisionally... or even just know that if things get too intense, I might have to call them... Maybe that is what I will do... It is like being pregnant and knowing that there is only one way out- not wanting to go through the labor and delivery but wanting very much to be on the other side of that experience... I think maybe I gotta do what I gotta do.
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