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Everything posted by asparkofcourage

  1. Earliest Memory: Walking on the concrete foundation for my future home and falling backwards. My mom coming to pick me up. Age: 3-4 Distressing Level: 0 Theme: A push and pull between wanting a normal mother and wanting her out of my life. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Bilateral Movement 1 Mom coming to pick me up. Everything was blurry because of my poor vision. _________________________________________________________________________________
  2. Thank you for your words. Hopefully I can avoid those kinds of situations until I'm further in my healing. Distance always helps me too.
  3. Yeah it gets kinda technical at times which I think helps distance from the emotions of the example stories. Reread parts you are more comfortable with until you are ready to move on or just think of it as you being in a class learning about science to help create a bit of a buffer. That's what I do.
  4. Its worth a read. I'm doing EMDR now. Just easy stuff before we jump into the more difficult stuff. Please let me know any updates if you are able. I hope you continue to heal!
  5. Event Chosen to Focus on: Being stung by yellow jackets when I was 4-5. 54 bee stings. Distressing Level 1-10 : 4 Worst Image: Me sitting in a bathtub naked in cold water alone crying and in pain __________________________________________________________________________________________________ Bilateral Movement/Focusing on Memory : 1 My mom left me in the tub alone and told one of my brothers to watch me. There is a bee in the window. I'm terrified of it. I scream to my brother to kill it. Help me. He doesn't move and just stares at me. I'm crying for help. He d
  6. Thank you for your words. It's nice to know I'm not alone. My abuse has ruined religion for me. So now that I don't believe in any after life, it frees me to tell people. He needs to be punished in this lifetime. I know I'm very lucky to have this letter. I hope your abusers inaccurate accusations don't keep you from seeking justice and happiness. No need to apologize. No worries.
  7. The newest book I've read. A lot of good information. Considering that C-PTSD is like PTSD but with the added caveat of ongoing abuse with the idea that the abuse is inescapable. Adding hopelessness into the mix. I definitely felt that way. In this book, the author says that at the core of C-PTSD isn't necessarily the trauma itself, but the emotional neglect that comes with it. In my case, my parents not believing me when I told them about my brother. Having that confirmation that I wasn't important, that I was a liar, or that I was essentially unloved, was totally emotional neglect. S
  8. (Multiple lies) throughout this letter regarding time duration, the acts he committed, and not admitting to doing the same to my cousin as well. His (self pity) was overflowing. The (manipulation) is masterful. Poor childhood self. You were so strong for handling this with the limited tools you had. Thank you for pulling through the awful time period. M****** (Me), I just received your letter last night when I got home from work. I know that deep down in my heart I was forgiven by you and I am so gracious for
  9. I've got some things to say to you both. Questions and general statements. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Why didn't you believe me? Why didn't you believe my cousin? How could you not notice it? Or see my pain? Or protect me? Do you know I almost killed myself several times? Why would you think I'd lie about being abused? Can you sincerely apologize to me? What can you do to fix our relationship? Why can't you have a serious conversation with me? __________
  10. This is an excellent book. The author, Jody Plauche, was sexually abused by his karate teacher for over a year and then kidnapped for about a week. His father, famously, shot the karate teacher on live tv in an airport. This was Jody's story from his point of view. He talked about the abuse, kidnapping, the murder and then the end of the book are chapters for parents and survivors. He talks about signs to look out for, the way of thinking for predators and how to move forward from abuse. Very inspiring story and its a very easy read. There are semi-graphic descriptions of his abuse, bu
  11. Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. By Lindsay Gibson PsyD. This book hit home for me. It gave me a lot of tips for dealing with the future talk I will have with my parents and showing me the unhealthy relationship that we have with each other. The biggest take away from this book is me realizing the healing fantasy I have for my parents. I act a certain way for my parents in hope that they will acknowledge and take care of me. I need to understand that with immature parents this is impossible. It doesn't help me to change who I am in order to been seen by people who
  12. By Bruce Perry MD/PhD and Oprah Winfrey. This book is like a conversation between the two authors. Mostly, Oprah provides real life situations and examples and Dr. Perry speaks more technically about the brain. A good chunk of the book is about a child's brain and how important it is to not f*** it up. Though he does have one chapter on things you can do to heal yourself, it really mostly is "this is why you act the way you act" and "prevention is golden." He says the brain can't go back to how it was before technically, but it is malleable. He compares it to a hanger that has been bent
  13. I spoke to my cousin about what she thought of justice. She told me justice for her was me healing and taking back my life. Why was she so invested in me? I had no clue what she went through but now I know that she is my hero and the only person to show me unconditional love. Here's some of what happened. The first time my cousin discovered I was being abused was when she spent the night at my house. She woke up to my brother on top of me, 'doing things to me." She kicked him off of me but to no avail. He continued. She yelled at him to stop and when he wouldn't, she said to do it to h
  14. My mom and dad came over yesterday and stayed the night at my house. My husband and father were going hunting today early in the morning. Last night, while alone with my dad, he asked me if I have talked to my brothers recently and which ones. I think he's catching on to me not talking to the oldest (my abuser). He's asked me that before and I've always managed to just avoid it but he was staying at my house so I couldn't deflect normally. I just got him talking on his military experiences and that seemed to fix that. The next morning while they were hunting, my mom asked me to go shopping
  15. I’m sitting across from my father who has asked me why I don’t talk to all my brothers.    My anxiety is going through the roof.   

    1. Finchy


      Oh gosh, that must be very difficult. I'm so sorry, courage. :( Can you do some breathing exercises? I hope the anxiety eases...and that you were able to avoid the question. *safe hugs if ok*

    2. MeBeMary


      Sitting with you. :console:  


    3. asparkofcourage


      made it through.. thank you both. 

  16. I've finished The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk MD. I've learned a lot about PTSD and different ways of coping, etc. Like most kids who have experienced trauma at a young age, I disassociated and I disassociated hard. Because of this, it looks like I have disassocative amnesia from the event. I only remember one instance of abuse from a 3-4 month period. I remember vaguely of other instances that happened near the same time, but when it comes to abuse, my mind has nothing to give. It's hard to be sad and to try to heal when you don't remember what you are sad about or the s
  17. I have to write about safety for next week. I'll post my thoughts here. To have a complete sense of safety is when I feel comfortable to be myself, secure in the knowledge I wont be physically hurt and to the ability to speak my mind without repercussions. When I was growing up in my childhood home, I didn't have any of this. I did not feel safe in my own home. I just sat in my room with my door locked all day, everyday. I even jumped out my window one day just to try it, in case I ever needed to. My brother sexually abused me for a certain amount of time (I can't remember a lot of
  18. asparkofcourage


    I'm supposed to write about trust for therapy next week. I'll write down some ideas here over the next week. It is very hard to trust anyone. I don't trust anyone to care for me, to protect me or to put myself first. I trust my parents to be self interested and self preserving. I trust my brother (abuser) to be self interested and to ignore the validity of my pain. I've accepted the fact that trust is fickle and the people closest to you will be the ones to let you down. Blood relations don't mean too much. If I do have trust in someone it can be very easily broken by the mo
  19. Something is inside me deep. Touches me throughout my core. And if you look at where it keeps, You'll see it reaches out more and more. I'm going to dig the rot out It's a growth that has taken many years to taint my soul. Hidden as though I'm forsaken pretending that I'm whole. I'm going to dig the rot out But now I want to reveal who I truly am I'll remember that I can heal to show that I'm far from damned I'm going to dig the rot out Once it has been eradicated from me there will be bar
  20. I read the letter my abuser gave me all those years ago.....  I felt some anger today.   I can feel my heart beating. 

    1. Finchy


      Sitting with you. ❤️ It's ok to feel anger. Perhaps you could write a letter in return, and then rip it up/destroy it in some (safe) way?

    2. asparkofcourage


      I redirected my energy into telling my sis in law about the abuse.  to protect her kids.  I think that got it all out for now. Now I can worry about them less and focus more on my healing. 

    3. Finchy


      :hug:❤️ That's good. Sending you lots of support!

  21. Dear younger me, I'd like to make peace with you and you to me as well. I didn't turn out like you thought I would. It makes me feel disappointed in myself. You thought that if you got yourself through that dark time that eventually, I would have a high paying job, take care of myself, move away and let the past go like it never happened. A clean break, but that's not what has happened. I'm a stay at home wife depending on my husband to keep us up. The opposite of independence. I have no career opportunities because the only thing I'm good at is singing and I'm too old now t
  22. I find myself going back in time in my mind and only pulling out the negative things that have happened in my life. But I know that that's not the case. Though happy moments may have been few a far between, that is what makes them so special and I don't want to forget those integral moments that kept me going through the dark parts of my life. So here is a place that I will list those moments. (I will update as I remember more) 1) When my parents and brothers were working or doing after school activities, I'd have the house to myself for about 3 hours. It was the most stress free tim
  23. Well, first off, I don't remember much. Just a few very vivid images, a lot of crying and watching myself from the corner of the room. My abuser was my oldest brother. I was 9 and he was 14 or 15 at the time. The most of one incident I remember is when my 2 other brothers were playing videogames and were completely engrossed in it. My 3rd brother (the oldest) put a blanket on top of me on his bed and told everyone in the room he was just going to massage me. I was just still, unmoving and very confused. He touched me and made me touch him. I had no clue what to do so he literally
  24. I've been doing some reading. "It Didn't Start with You." -by Mark Wolynn and to be honest, I can't believe some of the things that my family have survived through. How we are all still together and existing in the normal everyday world is baffling. This book helped me to discern what is my trauma, what trauma is being repeated within the family and how to break the cycle. It's going to be a rough ride so please bear with me. Maternal My mothers family grew up in poverty with very little education. Let's start as far back as I can. My great grandfather. (I won't give him nam
  25. Hello. I've been reading and thinking and contemplating about my life. About all the things that have happened to me. I'm currently a stay at home dog mom with little to no friends and all the time in the world. Now that I've been spending so much time with myself, I've realized... I don't even know me all that well. I think I got so caught up with my husband's dr. career that I've lost a sense of what I wanted to do with my own life. And then searching through my own thoughts about what I want for myself have made me realize that I've never been able to pursue what I love because it was
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