asparkofcourage

Earliest Memory: Walking on the concrete foundation for my future home and falling backwards. My mom coming to pick me up. Age: 3-4 Distressing Level: 0 Theme: A push and pull between wanting a normal mother and wanting her out of my life. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Bilateral Movement 1 Mom coming to pick me up. Everything was blurry because of my poor vision. _________________________________________________________________________________

Thank you for your words. Hopefully I can avoid those kinds of situations until I'm further in my healing. Distance always helps me too.

Yeah it gets kinda technical at times which I think helps distance from the emotions of the example stories. Reread parts you are more comfortable with until you are ready to move on or just think of it as you being in a class learning about science to help create a bit of a buffer. That's what I do.

Its worth a read. I'm doing EMDR now. Just easy stuff before we jump into the more difficult stuff. Please let me know any updates if you are able. I hope you continue to heal!

Event Chosen to Focus on: Being stung by yellow jackets when I was 4-5. 54 bee stings. Distressing Level 1-10 : 4 Worst Image: Me sitting in a bathtub naked in cold water alone crying and in pain __________________________________________________________________________________________________ Bilateral Movement/Focusing on Memory : 1 My mom left me in the tub alone and told one of my brothers to watch me. There is a bee in the window. I'm terrified of it. I scream to my brother to kill it. Help me. He doesn't move and just stares at me. I'm crying for help. He d

Thank you for your words. It's nice to know I'm not alone. My abuse has ruined religion for me. So now that I don't believe in any after life, it frees me to tell people. He needs to be punished in this lifetime. I know I'm very lucky to have this letter. I hope your abusers inaccurate accusations don't keep you from seeking justice and happiness. No need to apologize. No worries.

The newest book I've read. A lot of good information. Considering that C-PTSD is like PTSD but with the added caveat of ongoing abuse with the idea that the abuse is inescapable. Adding hopelessness into the mix. I definitely felt that way. In this book, the author says that at the core of C-PTSD isn't necessarily the trauma itself, but the emotional neglect that comes with it. In my case, my parents not believing me when I told them about my brother. Having that confirmation that I wasn't important, that I was a liar, or that I was essentially unloved, was totally emotional neglect. S

(Multiple lies) throughout this letter regarding time duration, the acts he committed, and not admitting to doing the same to my cousin as well. His (self pity) was overflowing. The (manipulation) is masterful. Poor childhood self. You were so strong for handling this with the limited tools you had. Thank you for pulling through the awful time period. M****** (Me), I just received your letter last night when I got home from work. I know that deep down in my heart I was forgiven by you and I am so gracious for

I've got some things to say to you both. Questions and general statements. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Why didn't you believe me? Why didn't you believe my cousin? How could you not notice it? Or see my pain? Or protect me? Do you know I almost killed myself several times? Why would you think I'd lie about being abused? Can you sincerely apologize to me? What can you do to fix our relationship? Why can't you have a serious conversation with me? __________

This is an excellent book. The author, Jody Plauche, was sexually abused by his karate teacher for over a year and then kidnapped for about a week. His father, famously, shot the karate teacher on live tv in an airport. This was Jody's story from his point of view. He talked about the abuse, kidnapping, the murder and then the end of the book are chapters for parents and survivors. He talks about signs to look out for, the way of thinking for predators and how to move forward from abuse. Very inspiring story and its a very easy read. There are semi-graphic descriptions of his abuse, bu

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. By Lindsay Gibson PsyD. This book hit home for me. It gave me a lot of tips for dealing with the future talk I will have with my parents and showing me the unhealthy relationship that we have with each other. The biggest take away from this book is me realizing the healing fantasy I have for my parents. I act a certain way for my parents in hope that they will acknowledge and take care of me. I need to understand that with immature parents this is impossible. It doesn't help me to change who I am in order to been seen by people who

By Bruce Perry MD/PhD and Oprah Winfrey. This book is like a conversation between the two authors. Mostly, Oprah provides real life situations and examples and Dr. Perry speaks more technically about the brain. A good chunk of the book is about a child's brain and how important it is to not f*** it up. Though he does have one chapter on things you can do to heal yourself, it really mostly is "this is why you act the way you act" and "prevention is golden." He says the brain can't go back to how it was before technically, but it is malleable. He compares it to a hanger that has been bent

I spoke to my cousin about what she thought of justice. She told me justice for her was me healing and taking back my life. Why was she so invested in me? I had no clue what she went through but now I know that she is my hero and the only person to show me unconditional love. Here's some of what happened. The first time my cousin discovered I was being abused was when she spent the night at my house. She woke up to my brother on top of me, 'doing things to me." She kicked him off of me but to no avail. He continued. She yelled at him to stop and when he wouldn't, she said to do it to h

My mom and dad came over yesterday and stayed the night at my house. My husband and father were going hunting today early in the morning. Last night, while alone with my dad, he asked me if I have talked to my brothers recently and which ones. I think he's catching on to me not talking to the oldest (my abuser). He's asked me that before and I've always managed to just avoid it but he was staying at my house so I couldn't deflect normally. I just got him talking on his military experiences and that seemed to fix that. The next morning while they were hunting, my mom asked me to go shopping