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pearl71

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    Female

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    Survivor
  1. Thank you. I think I try and pretend it never happened in the hope that it will go away but the inside knows, even if the outside hides it. It looks lovely here, by the way, and I'm hoping I can be of some help to others x
  2. Hello, I am a 36 yr old female with three children aged from 5 to 15. I was with their father for nearly 15 years and left 2 years ago, helped by women's aid, the council and social services. 13 years ago, when my second child was born, he began forcing himself on me and the relationship became something that I can only describe as a form of torture. It was pretty much every night and ranged from 'routine' to 'violent'. There was no option. I could not say no because I was smaller than him, but any reluctance on my part could result in threats against the children. For example he once threatened to punch my baby in the face. I could not tell anyone what was happening to me, and saw no escape. I became suicidal. Finally, in March 2005 I went to my council offices where I collapsed and finally the truth was out. He was also at that time with-holding money from me and preventing me from having friends. My clothes were rags and I had had to walk nearly 3 miles cross country with a small child to get help. It took about 4 months to co-ordinate my escape. I could have gone into a refuge but I refused. I didn't want my oldest children knowing what their father had done to me, so at risk to myself I stayed until a place in temporary accomodation in a nearby city came up. That was two years ago and I was apsychological wreck to start with. I am doing better now. I have nice clothes (not jumble sale ones his mum would buy me) and do my hair, which is a big thing for me. It means I am aquainting myself with my own body. I have lost about a stone (I overate to make myself unattractive to him). A year after I left I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder. I was enduring flashbacks, screaming fits at night, panic attacks and would not go out and socialise with anyone. I am on Sertraline 50mgs a day and the flashbacks have stopped. I still am very reclusive though and as yet have not found the courage to go out to work. I think I have a fear of people. I do get people trying to befriend me but I try and deflect them. I come across though as happy and friendly, when I do the school run. That's all my social life is though and its all I can manage. I am also unable to let men near me. I panic if one stands to close to me and I do think I probably will not be able to be physical with anyone again. I was offered psychotherapy but refused it because I did not want it on my records. I also really don't ever want to find myself in a relationship again. I am safe on my own. I feel horrible right now, for talking about it. I try and put it behind me and try to live as if it never happened. Its something I am always pushing down back into myself. I don't want my life defined by what he did to me, because my life is mine. He has no right to impose on my happiness, but still, it won't completely go away. Sorry about long post. I'm more a supporter than someone who asks for it so I think you will get to know me as someone who listens and says what she can for others.
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