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hannahsuki

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    Survivor
  1. Hi everyone, I found this site yesterday and am nervous to write because I wasn't raped in the technical sense-but seem to have the same struggles-after reading please let me know if I can fit in to this group. I have struggled for 15 years with all sexual relations, since a 3-year relationship (from age 14-17, I'm 30 now) with a guy who was emotionally abusive. After we had sex for the first time (which was my idea, how dumb) he just couldn't get enough. I was in the hospital for 10+ days with genital herpes at age 15 after having sex only 3 times (my parents had no idea and it was VERY traumatic). That seemed to set me up for tons of shame around sex, but he continued to badger me for it over the next 3 years. I gave in every time because he said things that made me feel like I had no choice. He controlled my whole life. Eventually I broke up with him and he proceeded to date my best friend, marry her, and have 3 kids with her. I still get panicky when I even hear his name. I have never known what my problem was; all of my relationships start out with great intimacy and sex, and then after a few months I am repulsed at the thought of it and avoid it at all costs. I am in my second marriage and my husband is wonderful (we've been together for 6 years). We have a toddler now, and I want to be a good role model for her in terms of intimacy and love. I am paralyzed sexually right now, and I feel that the only way I am going to get out of this place is to identify with other rape survivors. I have just never felt like I fit in any particular group, but I desperately need support and a place to vent. I have been in therapy over this on and off for 7 years but it hasn't really helped. Thank you for your time.
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