It's not necesarily a bad thing, but I'm wondering If I can talk about other things? maybe keep things light once In a while. That might be a good change.
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sk8er
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I've noticed I come here to vent most of the time, to speak the things I can't say out loud on a daily basis. Sure, I get some of It out on therapy but I can't go that often because of my income, so I end up coming back here.
It's not necesarily a bad thing, but I'm wondering If I can talk about other things? maybe keep things light once In a while. That might be a good change.
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So I got tested positive for covid a week ago--( I don't have It anymore though) and things have been really difficult for me.
For context I was already feeling like I was In some sort of "lockdown" because I'd just quit my job plus my summer vacations had started, so all I've done Is stay at home.
I kinda forget every now and then, that when I lose a routine I get severely depressed. (Like yes I'm already deressed, but It comes In a bigger wave when I stop going out). It's generally hard for me to go out If I don't have an event or obligation to go to, In fact I WONT go out, UNLESS I have an event or obligation to go to. It's dangerous because I can't find a genuine will to get out of bed unless I have to. And then, as If that wasn't enough, the one time I decide to go out I catch covid, which I'd never had before, and It all feels like a bad sitcom.
I told my therapist how funny It Is that I was already feeling as If we we're In lockdown, to then get covid and complete the whole package.
but, In a more serious way...things haven't been so good for me. Being alone with my dad at home has been so, so uncomfortable and stressful for me because of reasons I don't want to get Into Lol. Not that It's an "extreme" situation or anything, like I'm not In danger, it's just been a really bad experience.
It's been bringing up a lot of memories from the pandemic too, a lot of traumas, I even started remembering one of my abusive best friends I had at the time that absolutely ruined my life...I don't know why, but now she's In my mind again...they come In flashes, sometimes with strong emotions attached or Intrusive thoughts. It's hell.
I physically have reactions to my flashbacks which Is something I'm not so accustomed to AT ALL. I sweat, I space out, I shake, I mumble.... I am NOT there. It visually looks like I'm having some sort of war flashback. And then afterwards I lose a bit of memory of what I was doing, who I was with, sometimes where I'm at. It's scary.
The thing that's been bothering me the most however, Is that I've been having very graphic and very uncomfortable Intrusive thoughts, and although I've dealt with things like that In the past many times, I'm struggling really hard with these ones because they feed off of very strong phobias that I have.
I geniuenly feel incarcerated In my own mind....just as how I felt during the pandemic. Which casually was also the lowest point In my mental health an In life In general. So not great, no. One ould think after they went through It, they now don't have to go through It twice right? right?.....
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At home I don't feel at one. Let's be fair, I never will If I haven't by now, but should I keep putting out fires?
I think I've reached a point where I don't know wether to choose to put out another fire or start to build myself a life, even if It's a slow one.
If I choose my dreams, It'll be slow and I'll still have to put up with poor living, doubting everyday If I can stand It anymore, not knowing If I'll eventually lose my mind because of It.
If I choose a home, I'll never have to put up with bad living situations from others, and If I do It'll at least be up to me to change It, but my dreams will be put on hold for god knows how long.
If I don't choose anything life will choose for me In ways I don't agree, In ways I can't control.
If I don't choose now, It's one more year I stay In this house regardless.
I'm bad at choosing. I'm bad at leaving people behind, about moving. I'm bad at being alone and with people.
I'm burned out, Is that Important to this equation? has anybody considered It yet? why do people go over It when I mention It?
I fear regret, I fear I'll never move out and I'll always live In a hell hole. I fear If I don't do anything now I never will. I fear I'm too burned out to do anything new, too broken to be with anyone new.
I don't know what to spend my time on first, but anything I choose will take a while so the more I stall on It, the more time It'll take, and i'm only 21, why do I feel so much pressure? why do I need everything to be figured out now? will that finally make me feel at peace with myself?
I've grown up faster than I thought I would, even If my younger self disagrees.
She would've told me that everything seems so slow. She wanted to grow up faster to get out of there faster, and I feel like I've failed her because I'm still here.
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My dad and my stepmom are getting a divorce. Those are the news at my home, or...well It's not my home, and you'll know why In a second.
For context, just a few weeks before my stepmom asked my dad for a divorce, she wanted to claim the house as her own, In case anything would happen to my dad (which I understand because my dad shouldn't be working at his age and has had a lot of problems regarding economic safety as well as his own personal health). He' s 75 years old, just so you get the picture. I can't possibly understand what It's like to keep working at his age, supporting everyone still...and although my brother and I work, school Is still so expensive.
I've always suggested dropping out to my dad because of economic reasons, but he always refuses and somehow still tries to support me. I also noticed that whenever I would work more at my job then go to school he would increasingly get more and more stressed...he would tell me to just focus on school, not to worry about anything else. I can see those things affect him deeply. His mental health has always been very unstable, especially with stress and anxiety, and If being out of school was causing much more stress, then I was just going to stay. This Is besides the point, but, It's important to know that my dad works REALLY hard for the things that he wants.
He hasn't been the best father, and although I can't know what his relationships were like, at least It seemed that he didn't know how to be a good partner either. I don't blame my stepmom for wanting to get divorced...I'm surprised she didn't do It sooner. What I didn't like was how she did It. And no, I don't think there's a "right" way to get divorced, of course It's always gonna be messy. I'm not even talking about that...this Is where we catch up to the beginning to her claiming the house.
She claimed she wanted the house In her name for her own life security, In case anything would happen. Which like I said In the beginning, It only made sense to me. Nothing wrong with that. My concern was, however, that she might want to kick me and my brother out of the house since she's tried to do It multiple times now (she has never really liked us), and the thing about having a house that you own with people you don't like living In It, Is that you can call the police to take them away, and they have all the right to do so. Because from that point on we are strangers In an unknown establishment. I do believe she's that kind of person to do that. My dad at the time disagreed, but oh boy did that not age well for him.
I still believe she partly wanted home security, especially long-term. But, I wasn't sure how much she also wanted us out...or, how quick. Then my dad did something stupid. He trusted his wife lol...
He talked to her (apparently) about signing a contract to give her full posession of the house, as long as she wouldn't kick us out. She said yes, then he signed the contract (although I think It was In form of a donation so It wasn't as official?? but anyways). And then what we all predicted would happen, happened. She asked my dad for a divorce minutes after, not only to kick us out, but to kick EVERYONE out...including my father. Small plotwist that I wasn't expecting.
I thought my dad was a little safer than us, but not really no...
Luckily It's a procedure that can be "taken back" or "undone", and my dad's woking with a lawyer now....or something. With the help of my big sister though, because without her my dad would be completely lost. He even told me so, he was like, "welp, we're gonna lose everything". That's for trusting on your wife who *mainly* cares about herself.
She's treated us like crap In the past though. I'm not just saying that she's selfish because of this recent event, no, no. She's demonstrated quite a few times to my siblings and I that she does NOT want us around or likes us In any form. Actually, from her own words....she didn't consider us getting involved much into "her marriage" with my dad, because at the time my siblings and I were living with my mom, until you know, she died. No one was expecting that one to happen, and apparently It ruined her plans. Well, let me tell you It ruined a bunch of other plans too, you know? like for example, I wanted to have my mother see me graduate high school, but you see plans change, and you adapt to the circumstances.
She could've at least tried to have a friendship with me and my brother. We didn't ask to live with them either and It was hard for us too but we just worked with It. It honestly feels like she's been denying our stay since we got here. And back then we were only kids, what were we supposed to do? or go?
I can't completely disregard that she's tried however, because I know she has, but It was so very little. The bare minimum. An unfortunetly you can't build something good with anybody usinng the bare minimum. Especially as absent as she Is and has always been. Always keeping her distance you know. Thing Is I never minded the distance, I just didn't understand why she would then punish us for shit when she was practically a stranger. Weird, weird behaviour.
Part 2 I'll post tomorrow probably
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Did I ever tell you It was okay to be as loud as you wanted? be as much as you wanted?
Imagine being alone In an empty room with some eco In it...knowing you, you'd probably start singing a little tune to hear how It sounds. Eco's are an interesting sound, right? so why wouldn't you try It out, and If you're alone you could do It as much as you wanted to, as much as you needed to. No one would tell you to stop or say that you were being too loud, too much. There's nothing inherently wrong with It you know? some people just don't like big sounds.
You see, birds don't apologize for singing or talking or making sounds. Birds need to do It In order to survive and communicate with others. Some may not like that and that's okay, not everyone likes how birds sound, but that doesn't mean they're 'bad birds'. There's no such thing. What there Is, are people who just don't like them, maybe they're more of a frog type.
In any way, there's no reason why you would need to be anything different than what you are right now. You could be a bird who just flies away when they need to, that speaks when they're hungry or hurting, that sings when they're inspiried. You're allowed to take up space, It's what every living thing Is meant to do here, there's no way around It and anyone who's made you felt differently Is wrong.
Being alive means to exist, to be, to need things, to say things.
What could a person really know about living when they don't even let others experience It? It's contradictory.
I know people made you feel like you were too much for such a long time. Laughing wasn't allowed because then you'd be spoiled, speaking was rude because It was never percieved as a need but as you challenging them, singing was annoying because It disrupted people's peace, crying meant that you were playing the victim card. And although you were young, you were quick to understand that being all these things was unsafe, so In order to regain balance you became mute for years and years.
It worked of course, but now your body and your mind felt numb, the damage was done. Regaining that confidence Is something I still struggle to this day. I don't think I'll ever be that same social little girl I used to be. But you should know, It's not your fault.
Just wanted to remind you that you can be whatever you want now. As much or as little as you want. The choice Is yours, forever and ever.
And I'll be here whenever you need a reminder. A little push. Ly
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it's been a long time since I've written anything here. I've wanted to though, but mostly I haven't had time or been too exhausted to write. Yeah...even writing was exhausting.
I gotta be honest, It's not much different from how I'm writing right now because I still feel drained almost everyday. But If I stop writing It'll make It worse. Writing has always been a good way to cope with things, at least to me.
I like to think of this place as a space for to readers to exist together. It's me and you and whatever crazy thing I'm writing about haha. And maybe, It becomes a little bit less lonley when I write for the both of us, other than just myself. It makes me feel like what I write has a bigger purpose. I can't possibly surprise myself with my own thoughts anymore...I already know what they are and I think I know mostly everything about me. I guess that's the beauty about sharing your thoughts with someone else... you get to surprise them. I know others have done the same for me.
Even If more than one person joins to read my stuff I think I'd still count It to be as personal as "you and me" because at the end of the day, the person I'm talking to Is just you, whoever that may be....It's personal to each person who crosses paths with me-- I hope that makes the slightest sense. Its like, when a bunch of people hear the same song but they all think of It just a little bit different than the rest because they're taking It personally. It's just a different world In each little brain and although It's the same message, Its interpreted through their own lenses. That's how I like to see It....as they say "art Is free to interpret". There's a reason why It's free.
Then, as beautiful as It may be, It's also just as scary. I mean, think about the way that people are all their own complex world....It's obviously a good kind of scary though, It makes me feel even less lonely knowing everyone's existence Is so alive. Still.....how weird Is It to think about people's perception of things?
I probably sound so silly being this existential over nothing lol, I do feel silly.
It's just something that's been on my mind a lot lately. I've been wanting to put It out there.
I honestly hope I do write more often, It does good things for me hahah.
love u and I'll be back soon
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(I use the Older Version of me as OV, and the Younger Version of me as YV to avoid confusion)
YV: I wish we were safe. I feel like you run around when things happen at the house and It makes me feel scared, like I don't know what's gonna happen next...
OV: I know, I wish we had a better place to stay too...our own place, but for the moment we just have to keep moving, we have no choice....
YV: But why don't you slow down? why can't you see that I can't run as fast as you do and I'm scared because I don't know when you're gonna stop. I promise I'll get better at running but I can't go that fast yet.
OV: I'm sorry I've pushing you so much-- I know It makes you feel scared, I feel scared too...silly right? I'm supposed to be this "big adult" who's not afraid of anything and can act fast In dangerous situations, but then...I don't know what happens to me, I just freeze. Grown-ups get scared too and I didn't know that until I became one. Whenever someone who lives with us confronts us, I start to feel like your around, and somehow I'm able to feel as small as you do and It's like I can't protect you anymore--I'm sorry for that, I wish I could be a better sister to you. I wish I was braver and I didn't run away everytime someone Is being so mean to us.
I guess I just don't know what to do In those situations because, If we stay we'll get yelled at, If we run we'll feel unsafe like you said. This must be so confusing to understand Isn't It?, It's not your fault...or mine either. The people around us are the ones who need to change but, sometimes people don't want to change, even If it's the best for them, and we can't do anything about It.
YV: ...okay, It's fine I guess, I just wish I didn't feel scared anymore
OV: me too...at least we have each other and, In the meantime, how about we try to make the best of It huh? what do you say?. We can a make a plan...a top secret plan, only both of us can know about It. My mission will be to try to stick around even when things get ugly and be brave enough to protect you....aaand In exchange you have to do the most important job of all, It's top secret too, highest rank.
YV: What Is It?
OV: I need you, my most trusted ally, to write down very cool, snarky words that I can use to win the battle. Nothing mean though, In fact, the smarter the words the better-- we'll confuse our opponent with BIG words. But only you can do It...so? what do you think?
YV: I think your a crazy old sister haha.
OV: Very true, but you'll do that for me right?
YV: Do you think It'll work?
OV: Absolutely.
YV: ...okay, I'll do It.
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bbme: I think so! at least that's how I feel. I like playing my part, I mean I know I'm not the only one here, but Isn't It fun to play the hero? to be the plot of the movie?. It's like I'm a part of something big, like I'm special, do you think I'm special? It's certainly a nice feeling. Who knows, sooner or later the FBI will contact us for a big mission and we have to be there ASAP!!! we just have to be ready....If there's an emergency In the world I would gather all my friends and then the government (or whatever) would give us superpowers, we would join forces to defeat evil. I mean, I guess I don't know how evil looks like, maybe I'll know It when I see It, It's just something really, really bad, and because we're really, really good we'll save everyone. What'd you think?
oldme: It's a nice thought.
bbme: It's more than a thought! It's a plan, and you're invited. You have to know, only people who have secret skills and powers can come with me, so now you know that you're a chosen one too.
oldme: I am?
bbme: of course, why wouldn't you be? we're all main characters In our story, that's the whole point. There's magic everywhere, haven't you seen It?....maybe you just have to look closer, It's always there listening to you and that's why we're never alone. The only thing you have to do Is believe In me, can you do that? the responsibility Is high just so you know, because having powers requires discipline and lots of fun...so, do we have a deal?
oldme: ...deal, but only If you let me have invisibility powers.
bbme: ugh, fine, I'll settle for water control.
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Little me: "I don't like when people talk down to me, petty me, feel sorry for me. My dad always lets me win and then denies It...my brother has done that a few times too. It makes me feel like I'm not smart enough, like I can't do things by myself. Yes, losing can be upsetting, but I like losing better than people feeling like I need to be pushed.
Older me Is working a new job and It's really hard on her, sometimes It wears her out completely, I don't know how she got there, I would be so scared...I think deep down she's scared too. Scared of people, of failing, of 'jinxing' things. But although she had to face her consequences when she made mistakes, she's been able to face them better, knowing that her value Isn't there, but In who she Is. She's really strong but I've had a hard time feeling like It...I say this because, there are very few little times during the week when she can rest, space her mind, do what she wants and, although our father Is really difficult, she still tries when I'd given up In fixing things with him, Older me tells me she doesn't blame me, she says he's a narcissist and that she still doesn't feel completely at ease when he's around but, appriciates the little things, like, playing chess, only this time Older me was too tired so I came out. I was angry and upset, not because I lost (although that was disappointing) but because our father kept explaining us how to play when we've played a million times, he would make fun of us for not 'thinking things through or right' and I was not okay with It. If It's just a game then let It be just that, Older me wasn't at her best or using all of her focus on It, she works 8 hours a day, she's tired, we just wanted to have some fun but he ruined It, again.
Older me Is accepting me more and more now, so I can cry. I can cry for people acting like Idiots and makng us feel like one. She's concerned about how much tears are coming out but, I really want to tell her that It's been a loooong time since they came out, and that I won't take this chance for granted. If I have to cry like a river I will".
Old me: "I love you kiddo, I'll give you the space you need to cry, cry all you want, It's our nature"
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bby me: okay, Is there something wrong?...are you mad at me?
Old me: Not at all, I'm never mad at you, I will always love you no matter what, I just wanna know how you're doing...I know sitting down can make you nervous because you relate It to being punished but I promise you that you're okay, you're safe.
bby me: Okay. Well, I've felt lonely lately, sort of like everthing's empty. I miss my old room, my toys, my friends, It feels like there's nothing. Do you know If...It gets better? like, this feeling?. I know you'll always have my back but I don't always want you to be the only one with me, maybe that's a little selfish; I wonder why most people don't step In or care enough to protect me; the strangest thing Is that I know you'd do It In a heartbeat for them though. Sometimes It's hard to understand how we can give so much and expect nothing from no one, and I don't mean as In 'returning the favor' at all, but just appriciating the fact that you did It, like, maybe a 'thank you' or a smile or whatever way they have of expressing that they care or noticed.
In your case big sis, your memory Is faulty (and I don't mean It In a bad way) so you don't remember If they ever said anything nice back or not but, I do, I always remember, I'm your subconscious, I keep track on everything eveyone says or doesn't say...sometimes It's exhausting...but It has made me notice how many of them keep quiet.
Oldme: I know how you feel...quite literally. You've truly always spoken beyond your years and, I'm sorry that, that's the case because It's connected to growing up too soon, but, I want you to know that there's always advantages to how you experience things because of trauma and they serve for more than just being a 'bad memory'; you're able to make people listen, to understand, to change their minds, and believe It or not...that's not easy. It's people like you...people like us that have been through so much that are able to teach others about It, transmute It Into something else. Yes, we didn't deserve any of It and It shouldn't have happened In the first place but, It did and we can't change that. Sometimes the only thing left to do when bad shit happens Is to just talk about, It may seem like It doesn't do anything but you'll find that one person that's willing to listen, to learn...somehow It turns out to be fullfiling to see others grow from your pain, luckily you grow with them too...I'm telling you this because even though you're able to heal so much, you can also feel very alone In this spot, It's normal, not a lot of people are on that spot, you could say It's a special one too. The problem becomes when you feel like you're the only one there, when your trauma Is the thing that separates you from others, not all, but a majority. This Is okay...It's something I still struggle with to this day too. It's not the fact that people don't want to step In, most of them just don't know how and think that the easy way out Is to just leave you to It, which we both know Isn't true.
I truly, completely understand the wish that you don't always have me as support because everyone needs a little help from others as well, we're just human. It's not right that people Ignore us, no. Ignorance Is bliss but It's also a curse, even for them; I'm sorry that the people who were supposed to take care of you did such a bad job and the people you meet now don't seem to try enough either. I need you to remind yourself though that this Isn't because they don't care but because they don't have the tools or the Information to do a good job...It doesn't make It right but It might be an easier weight to carry when you fully understand why It happened the way It did. It's also helpful to remind yourself of the people that are there, the ones that actually do a good job, even If It's just that one person.
Unfortunetly being by ourselves Is going to be our primary net of support for a while...sometimes here and there, there will be friends who offer to help and you'll notice how little changes like that can shift everything, but for now things are stagnant, stressful and lonely, and you have all the right to feel that way, to miss the things that used to make you feel safe, good and happy...know that you can still come back to those things without shame. I too wish that one day we're not our only company and that somebody Is able to sit down with us and have these types of conversations too. You deserve to be listened to, you have so many great Ideas...stuff that I can't even come up with now. I love and appriciate that you keep tabs of everything, It's honestly Impressive, though I know that being aware of It all can be too much some days too. All I can say Is that people's behaviour IS NOT your fault, In fact, when someone different arrives to planet Earth I truly believe the world becomes a better place...It means that people are faced with a new challenge which Is to accept and accomodate those who function differently, If they haven't done so already or, as you said, If they 'keep quiet' then It means they've failed you, It's a lesson that they need to learn for themselves, nothing we can do or worry about for now.
It's never late for those people to change their minds, It really Isn't, after all, they're human too. We don't have to wait for them to change at all, but when they're ready (If they are), there's no reason why we shouldn't recieve them either. I hope this helps...Love you kid
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bby me: "Hi. Yes I think I did, but this time I wasn't holding It back like I always do. Tears are meant to be shown, I am supposed to cry when I'm supposed to cry. I think that's why It's been so long since you cried big sis...because when you had the opportunity you'd never let It happen. I know how you feel, I felt embarrassed too, to cry In front of everyone...believe It or not there's so much shame In crying for women as well...everyone really...
When people cry they say "I'm sorry", that's why you say It remember? and you never question why either, It's like you want to be 'polite' as everyone else has taught you to be by apologizing for something so fair and natural that you don't even bother to think If you actually mean what you say. You used to just cry....you'd let me...now It's time to let me out again and re-built our thinking-process to-um....PRO-CRYING!! or whatever.... I know maybe the people around you won't understand that but It's not about them. If you know they're going to make It worse you could find the nearest bathroom or call a friend and tell them. Just because the place Isn't friendly doesn't mean YOU'RE the one that has to keep It In...crying Is like, sleeping or, eating. It just needs to happen sometimes. See? younger-you might know a thing or two about what you want.
I actually don't want to talk about what happened yet, I'm still processing from the discussion my brother and I had and I feel like I need time to reflect on It. Now that I'm able to have that space (as you tell me I was always worth having) I'm gonna use It. I don't need to actively think about It, I just need to process my feelings, be within my body and Identify what feels out of balance, sleep/eat/take care of myself and all that jazz. THEN, I can start having a clearer head on what happened because, right now I'm just upset and tired. My state needs to be better so I can do better (for myself)."
Old me: "That's alright kiddo, you tell me whatever you want, whenever you want. If It never comes up then It doesn't, I just want you to feel safe and ready, sleep my little one"
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Hey everyone, I thought I'd let you know what this blogging Is all about. I thought I'd start a little journey between me and my little self. I know she has a lot to give, a lot to offer and I wanna hear her out...
Some posts I might be stritcly talking personally with my Inner child, other times she might do the talking, who knows (like maybe my child-self had fun one day because she got to jump In a trampoline and wants to share that experience). I do wanna state however that, her and I are not two different people, we're part of a whole, this Is just an exercise that I find helps me heal like I've seen It helps others as well.
As always, I'd like to remind anyone who comes across posts like mine, that there might be difficult subjects at hand because my Inner child suffered a lot of trauma. Things like ptsd, anxiety, stress, ocd, depersonalization, depression, and so on. That doesn't mean that I'll always talk about them though, I just think that going back In time unavoidably makes you remember the events that you also didn't like. But, wether Its up to me or not to talk about It, It won't change my past, It's still part of my history and It was just as real as the good bits. As part of my growth today, I like to remind myself that I've come from a long way, I've lived a lot for a young girl (probably too much for anybody to bare), I was just as valuable then as I am now, regardless of how shitty I felt...especially how shitty I felt about myself. I want to be able to tell that little girl that nothing was her fault and that all she needeknewd to care about was being a kid...It's so easy to make someone feel bad, people around me knew that was a trait of mine and took advantage of It. For a long time I thought It was my fault to feel that way. Today, I wished someone had told me that feeling vulnerable Is not the problem, but the people that abuse It Is. Just because you're going through a confusing or sensitive moment In your life, doesn't mean people get to shame you about It. No one's ever going to be at their 100% all the time, In fact It's not possible. Most times, feeling those things helps you understand better. It's like asking a question you don't have an answer to, at first It might be confusing and stressful, but questioning Is what leads you to the answers...maybe It lead you to more questions, but both are totally valid, It means you care to make sense out of things, that you have values and standards, even If you don't always get It right. Nothing wrong with that.
In any way, you're free to scroll around. This Is mostly exercises for myself but you're welcome to participate and answer, that's why I'm putting It here. Thanks 💖
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