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Blog Entries posted by Yeenodon

  1. Yeenodon

    On my way
    I've been feeling really nostalgic lately, an old anime I used to watch as a kid got a reboot and it just sends me back in time. I remember when I was playing with my best friend at the time, we had this scenario of our 26yo future self coming to us to help us fight the bad guys. Why we picked 26yo, I don't know, but since i'm getting older and wiser, maybe it's time to make fiction into reality, and write a letter to my 11yo, innocent self.
    Dear young me,
    You probably don't expect me to be like that, you probably wanted to be someone super cool, super badass, a fighter at heart. In a way, I'd say I am indeed a fighter, thanks to you. As I grew older, I found how I wanted to fight, with kindness rather than violence. I am... we are peaceful at the core and I'm so sorry school forces you to be someone you are not.
    When I think back at how things were for me... or how things are for you currently... I surprise myself to cherish that time. I'm not saying it was, or it is a good moment in your life. It is not, I know how much you suffer from the bullying and the lack of friends. It's just that... you don't realize it yet but, everything is just so simple for you right now... The problems are rather straightforward, it's easier to find solutions and adult life matters are still so far away.
    When I think back, I wonder, would you be proud of me? Would you be dissapointed? would you be scared to see what you will become? Or maybe you wouldn't see any of that at all... I probably would take you in my arms, praising how amazing you are, how proud I am of you for staying true to yourself. I would give you all the love I don't have for my present self. Please know, I would never trade this life, this you for a happier present.
    I still remember you know... those pages you wrote in your diary... i surprise myself reading how dark you wrote... I know you are not happy, yet I look back with a smile on my face, so something somewhere, must have been worth it, I don't have regrets when I look at you.
    You might wonder what will happen in the future, what made me look so tired, why my body is the way it is, why I look at you with tears in my eyes. I wish I could tell you, but I don't want to scare you and because you're me, you wouldn't want to know... A you, somewhere, won't choose the same path in life, a you somewhere, will be happy. I don't want to dictate your path, nobody has this power. You don't have to become me, there's a million possibilities, because who YOU want to be, not who you see right now in front of you.
    What will happen to me now you ask? It's true I talk as if I'm not worth it, that being me, is not worth it. I don't have an answer for that. I don't know if I'm worth it, but that's the only me I know, so that's the me I'll keep fighting for. I might not be a fighter at heart, but I sure am a survivor.
    I love you, young me and if you can't love you in the present, remember there always will be a future you to love you. Never change, you are perfect the way you are. You are glorious, you are brave, don't be ashamed of your scars, I know you will power through anything.
    -Future you
  2. Yeenodon

    probably relatable
    I've been thinking a lot lately. And I mean... a looot.
    I asked myself, why is everything so hard? Why do I feel so unmotivated ? why do I feel so bored of everything?
    I don't like just sitting there and do nothing, I need to be productive, else I feel like I'm wasting the little time I've granted in this life. So, why do I still waste it? It's not as simple as my brain try to make it out to be.
    Feelings, emotions, it's complicated. If you don't feel good, even the smallest task can appear as the biggest challenge. I decided to see in myself, what was making me feel so bad. And it all comes down to loneliness.
    I had the habit to do certain things at certain hours, for 4 years. Due to the toxic nature of the person I was sharing those habits with, I had to cut ties and stop doing them. And since then, I feel terribly alone. I'm also more free, and I enjoy that, but I never realized how isolated from the world I had been while being in relationship with this person.
    I'm alone, but years of habit of exclusively talking to one person and self isolating from the rest of the world is hard to change. i'm sabotaging myself quite a bit x'D
    But now that I realized this, I think I can do something about it. Maybe sharing silly projects like cringy fanfictions with a fellow writer ? or do more voice calls and play games with online friends. I started opening up to the outside, but I have my bad days where the self-isolation is just stronger. It's not cool, but I'll overcome this.
    I hope anyone else suffering from this self isolation and sabotage will figure a way out of this. You have the strength do to change, it doesn't have to be now, it doesn't have to show right now, but the power to do so is there, waiting to blossom as its full potential when the time is right. Remember to be kind to yourself. It's ok to have meh or bad days, it doesn't mean all efforts to get there are ruined all the sudden. We got this and I want to believe in all of us !
  3. Yeenodon
    The words as they came to me
    You know, I'm not exactly a highly spiritual or religious person. I just do things my way, follow my guts and feelings. At least most of the time.
    What is really challenging to me with overcoming trauma and making my way to recovery, is, I don't know the way. I'm lost with only my moral compass to guide me, and a shattered mind to make decisions. There's noone to hand me a map that says "in 100 meters, turn left, recovery is at the end of this road". that's just not how it works. Recovery is different for everyone, and I believe it also greatly depends on what one can afford to do at a given time.
    I've been thinking about trauma therapy for a while now. But I'm scared. What if I'm being told that my experience is not valid ? what if I'm making things up and it's not an actual trauma ? what if they give up on me ? It takes a lot of strength. And I don't know if I feel ready to open up to a stranger about everything that happened to me. I actually never been able to be clear about my experience when talking face to face. The words remains stuck in my throat like a bunch of stabbing needles. it just won't come out. I tried, I really did. But I'm too scared. I'm too ashamed.
    So here I am. With my life in a heavy backpack, at a very important crossroad.
    Well, I do say crossroad, but really, it's not even as clear as that. I still have to make my own options, it's not conveniently presented to me like a rpg game. I'm both character and author of my story. So here's what the options I'm considering :
    -Start therapy
    -Wait a little longer and see how just talking in AS helps
    -Find a spiritual movement or philosophy to seek guidance
    That's probably not the best plan, but it is my plan. each option has its pros and cons.
    Starting therapy will be extremely painful and challenging when first starting, I might also struggle to find the right person to accompany me on this journey. However, on the long term, I think it will help me most and sooner or later I think i'll have to deal with that anyway. The real question is, do I feel ready to trust again ? To open my shell ?
    I could also wait a little longer. I've only just joined afterall, maybe I'm too impatient. Waiting is the neutral option, it won't make it worse, it won't make it better. It's safe, It's something I know, it's comfortable.
    Finding a spiritual something is tricky. It could help me, but I would be scared to become close minded and stuck in one way of thinking, also would it actively help with my trauma ? maybe it's something I should consider for my well-being and how I approach life in general rather than it being a decision trauma centered.
    And I could just improvise, this is by far the wildest option. And the most dangerous, I could experiment or try things that could hurt me along the way. i'm not sure it is wise to take such a risk.
    I think deep down, I know what I need to do, I know where I need to go. i'm scared. But I also was scared to join, and I did. i stay convinced joining was one of the best decision I've made in a long time and it actually helped me start to consider the next, bigger, more challenging step.
    The word of the end
    What I'd like to share to anyone curious or bored reading this is, it's ok to feel lost, it's ok to feel confused. Healing is not a race, and everyone has a different pace. It's not a matter of healing fast, but healing properly. It takes time, there will be ups and downs along the way, that's ok.
    Sometimes you might feel like you're going backwards, but no, that's not true. We all have bad days. When that happens, we're not at our best, we might do things not as good as usual, or fall back into old bad habits. It happens, that doesn't make you a failure, it's part of the process. Please, take the time to look at the bigger picture, and see all the way you already made. It might not be so impressive to you, but each step, not matter how small it may seem to you, makes a huge difference, a little step is still a step in the right direction, that all that matters.
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