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Everything posted by abhaya

  1. abhaya

    Just tired

    I only started signing on here and already this community means so much to me... each of your stories, your kind, funny, intelligent and courageous personalities that sparkle through the comments and posts offering courage, humor, compassion, creativity and hope. Already, being here has helped me feel so much less alone than I thought would ever happen, and it has stirred up a lot in me. Some of that has been really hard: I had one of the absolute worst flashbacks I have had in a decade, I have come to see how much I have been holding my memories and trauma locked beneath the surface to keep a
  2. abhaya

    pluses and minuses

    I am not knowing where to put this, so I thought I would just put it here... <shrug> I'm feeling a bit tender and emotionally sore this morning. I pushed too hard yesterday, opened a door that had been well wedged closed because I so wanted to bring it to light, but then I had the worst flashback last night that I've had in years. Most of my flashbacks these days are at worst like having a sort of double exposure, I'm here and now and the bad experience is overlaid on top, so it gets disorienting and scary but some part of my mind is aware that it isn't really happening again. La
  3. abhaya

    So Lost

    So sorry for the loss, and the grief that you feel. Grief can be hard when it comes with so much regret and painful memories. Sending you support, and sitting with you if you would like?
  4. "Just like the contrast between crazy and sanity, there is the contrast between intense, emotional connection and being alone. How do I maintain a sense of -being- through sexual intimacy and vulnerability, without becoming scared and paranoid that my personhood is being taken away from me. Every time I have a vulnerable emotion, a romantic moment, or really wonderful sex... I get the overwhelming fear that I am being taken advantage of and the wall is built back up again. Sometimes it makes me mean and cold or distant and away. How does everyone cope?" I don't have a good answer, but I k
  5. Hello @Shield.ugly, welcome to AS, I hope you will find it a supportive place for you. I'm sorry for what you have gone through that brought you here. Warmly, ~abhaya.
  6. I resonate with this a lot, @Enigma87, and I feel like i vacillate between wanting to scream my story over and over so that everyone will know about it and will hopefully tell me that I'm okay and things will be okay and I'm not the only person who ever felt this way.... and then feeling like I've said too much, I'm asking too much of everyone (especially the people who are offering support because they have problems too), and I just want to hide it all and pretend like nothing ever happened because it's probably all my fault and I was asking for it anyway... or just flat out numbness that mak
  7. I'm so sorry that you have carried the burden of feeling that you were to blame for so much bad treatment. I hope that you can see now that no matter what, you did not deserve what was done to you, @Enigma87. I don't have a lot of words this morning, but I am sitting with you, if that's ok. I know what it's like to feel like you're holding things together and crumbling beneath the surface, and the emotional cost of risking to share your story. I also hope that when you did share what was happening, people in your life supported you and offered kindness and compassion rather than judgement
  8. Yes, I resonate with this. For a very long time after my abuse I became more intensely sexual, including putting myself in some harmful situations for myself (mentally, physically, sexually, etc), but it seemed like everyone who saw me from the outside saw me as someone who was liberated and sexually free. It was only after I started really understanding my abuse, and trying to be more present in my body, that I lost the ability to be that person... which was weird because I lost some good things too. I don't know if that makes sense, but it brought up grief over loosing a sense of fearless
  9. I know how confusing that can be, @Enigma87 particularly the situation with your teacher. It can make it so difficult to look back and try to figure out how the parts where I participated in the abuse were not me asking for or consenting to the abuse. I don't know if that is similar for you, but if so, I'm sitting with you.
  10. Yes! I don't know what music you like but that reminds me of a Blues Traveler song called "Mount Normal." Like becoming "normal" take so much work and so much risk just to be able to reach what most people do just by existing. It's such a relief to know that it's already where I am and I don't have to be somebody else. Glad I can be part of your support circle, @matts. Lean on me anytime. 🙂
  11. abhaya

    Told my boss(es)

    This is a very helpful map, @matts! So glad you've come to that place. I am really hopeful I can get to that place too someday. Hearing others' stories is helping a lot because I can see it better when I see that someone is nice, and brave, and good, and they went through similar things and reacted in a similar way... it's like "hey, maybe I'm not so crazy after all!"
  12. abhaya


    Hi @Gerty I'm sorry for what you have gone through that brought you here, and i hope you find it a good supportive place. I'm new-ish too, and I have found the community to be really welcoming and kind. Don't feel pressure to share anything unless/until you're ready. I'm glad to meet you. 🙂
  13. abhaya


    Hi @JustCats and welcome to AS. I'm so sorry for what you went through, it sounds really confusing and hard to have to carry that around. I am sad you had a reason to come to this site, but I'm glad to meet you! Sending support and a friendly wave!
  14. I'm so sorry for what happened to you @SaraJane, but I am glad that you feel safe here and I hope you find it to be a supportive place! Sitting with you, if you would like. 🙂
  15. Wow, thank you for posting this @matts, I resonate so very much. I am glad you've got a good support network that you trust and that they've said they will tell you if it's too much. I struggle with this myself, and I can't seem to shift the part of me that wholeheartedly believes that I shouldn't take up space or people's time and attention, even though I have absolutely no problem being there for others and holding space for whatever may be coming up for them--heck, I picked that for a profession! Anyway, I just wanted to say that I really appreciate how open you (and others on AS) are ab
  16. abhaya

    Told my boss(es)

    There is so much power in this statement, in such a good way. I'm cheering you on, @matts!!! I see you finding a way to stand in truth with bravery and strength! Go you!
  17. No big "aha!" here, but I resonate with what you both have said. My drive was very strong in my younger years, but also very edgy. I think in some ways that as long as I stayed disassociated and sex was a performance I could do it and not really feel the impact, but as I've gotten older, and done more healing, and come into alignment with myself and my trauma, it has gotten harder to be that person. That said, I am grateful to have a really kind and supportive partner. We have been together about nine years and there are times where nothing happens between us for a couple of months, and th
  18. I just want to say that I see so much strength in you @Enigma87 and courage, and wisdom. Thank you for sharing your story and your feelings. None of it is your fault and you are whole and complete, lacking nothing. You are a good human who has survived some awful things. Sending you kind support and sitting with you.
  19. Hi @Zoe--Anastasia I also relate. I have struggled with finding a balance and navigating through daily life for pretty much my whole life and it gets so frustrating because I feel angry at myself for not being able to follow through with what I know will be helpful or resistant against people who try to coach me to do those things (and then mad at myself for acting like a petulant teen). I'm sorry that the struggle is so hard for you right now and I see that you're working hard to heal and be present and do kind things for yourself. I think the only thing that I would add is that I am s
  20. Hi @Zoe--Anastasia and welcome to AS. I'm new too, and similar things brought me here. It seems like a really welcoming place and people are supportive and nice. I'm sorry that things happened to you that were so painful, but I'm glad you found your way here. You are not alone. 🙂
  21. I super strongly resonate with the points you made about how we don't recognize rape, or CSA, or DV if it doesn't fit our simplified definitions. That fits too well in my story, where I honestly didn't understand what had happened for years because my experiences didn't fit the definitions I understood. Thanks for doing this work, @Capulet, you are making a difference every day.
  22. @matts I wonder if part of why it's hard to tell them the boundaries is because some part of you feels like you have to be a support to them? I know that I have said yes to hearing people's stories when it wasn't a good and healthy time for me for this reason, and if that is true I just want to say that it's ok not to have to be the strong one for them. Yes they deserve to be heard and this shouldn't have happened to any of you, but it's ok to ask them to get support from other sources. Sending you support and sitting with you too, if that's ok?
  23. abhaya

    Hi all

    Thanks, Wanna... I am doing my best to just give things a try and start a few conversations. Here goes!
  24. abhaya

    Hi all

    Thank you both! 🙂
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