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    New Jersey
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    writing, blogging, reading, The Sims

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  1. I just woke up from a "nap" (I fell asleep at 6, woke up at 9:30) feeling incredibly sad. I went in to my roommates bed and laid down next to him and told him I was feeling depressed and he asked me why but I found myself having trouble communicating, which happens often for me. I told him I wasn't sure why I was feeling that way but I think I have a pretty good idea of why. A lot of has happened in this last week. In my prior posts I talked about staying at my moms, at my roommates (ex boyfriends) request but I came home on Monday and now I am back in my apartment. First, I found it hard to a
  2. I feel angry right now. I feel so JEALOUS. I suffer from insufferable panic attacks. This week I have been doing something I shouldn't, where I am taking Klonopin around 9pm to help with my night time anxiety. I always tell myself and others, I only take it when I need it, as to not come off as some drug addict. Completely ashamed every time I reach for the bottle. Tomorrow I have to call my psych and tell her my script is running low, even though she only filled it 3 months ago. I know she's going to wonder and question me and my biggest fear is that she won't refill it. This isn't because I
  3. I have trouble with the passage of time. The beginning of last week started out really painful and emotional. I was out of my apartment because of the situation I wrote about two blog posts ago, and I was facing two weeks at my mothers house. I was in a state of complete anger and delusion. I was redirecting all that anger towards my roommate/ex/best friend because he was, "kicking me out." Now, those two weeks are almost up. Things don't feel as painful or emotional and I don't feel as angry and upset. But I am a paranoid person and I know how my mental illness works. Time is fleeting, we exp
  4. So far, I am incredibly grateful and surprised with how inviting and sweet people are on here. The internet is such a scary place and often people are so mean and cold to each other, so I was hesitant to even join an online community like this. I thought, how could a website offer me support? But so far, every anxious night where I'm not sleeping...logging on, chatting, emphasizing and receiving has been a huge emotional support. Thank you to all who responded.
  5. @Dg5’4” Thank you so much for your response. I have tremendous sympathy for the pain you went through. I can't imagine if my father lived so close to me. I wouldn't be able to sleep or function, idk how you do it. But I know what you mean, I don't expect things to automatically get better. My frustration sometimes is that it's been almost a decade, and (TW**) sometimes the pain, not from life itself, but the physical pain and mental pain caused from consistent anxiety and depression, has me considering suicide. I am very honest with my therapist about this, and I don't think I would kill
  6. @Enigma87 Thank you so much for your response ❤️ It is nice to hear that someone out there relates to this constant battle. When I am falling asleep (hopefully soon) you will be a reassuring thought and I am thankful. What are skills grouping classes? I also don't know what an EMDR Therapist is, would you mind explaining? Right now I am not on any meds (besides anxiety meds that I take as needed and a CBD oil that I purchase for myself and take a lot of). But my psych keeps pestering me about starting medication. Medication terrifies me, I seem to always suffer from the worst of the worst
  7. Hi everyone, I am here because I had a moment of desperation. I found myself talking to my roommate, explaining that I feel it is really hard to find someone to talk to and share in the experiences I have had as a survivor because I often don't meet people to talk to about these things. I can't consistently burden my roommate or mother, especially when they are not survivors of sexual assault. So, I am here so that I don't feel so alone. I also started a blog, if anyone wants to read. I didn't come here expecting to come across that feature. Anyway, thank you to whoever reads. ❤️
  8. I have never owned a bird but they have always fascinated me. She is beautiful, as are you. ❤️
  9. Let me know if anyone can relate... I have three therapists. One is a talk therapist, where we discuss past traumas and day to day stressors. One is a DBT (dialectical behavioral therapist) therapist and with her we try to work on my anxiety disorder as well as my borderline personality disorder. This is the therapy where I create my tools and learn how to implement them. Meditation, grounding techniques, deep breathing. Lastly, I have my psychiatrist. This woman is a Dr. and nothing more. She prescribes me my Klonopin and begs me to take Zoloft, which I refuse. All my therapists have one
  10. I understand this self anger all too well and you are not alone. When I was first abused as a child, I had no voice to say anything but because of that abuse and how it affected me I put myself in numerous situations that were self-harming and abusive. I often feel so guilty, especially now that I am much older and aware of how the decisions I made were only decisions that hurt me in the end. I become so angry and disgusted with myself. It is very difficult, I understand how you feel. ❤️
  11. Hello... Since this is my first entry, I will be giving some extra background. This week has been a stressful week. I live with my ex-boyfriend, who is also my best friend. On Friday he asked me to leave. It is hard on him, living with me. When I was a child I was sexually abused by my father. He was a strange man, bachelor, drug abuser, artist, poet, writer, photographer, abuser. There were things he did to me that I am not even honest with myself about half the time. The last time I saw him, I was 14, and I spent that visit desperately trying to get him to validate me. But he was either
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