I recently found this site and decided I should try to contribute. When I was 15 ( I am 20 currently) something happened to me. I say “something” because I don’t really remember what exactly happened that day. I won’t go into details though I should say I’m certain I wasn’t raped. I always knew something uncomfortable had happened but I didn’t really remember anything else until I was around 18. Even then, I only remembered it in pieces. I still don’t remember it all but once or twice a year I’ll either remember more details or I’ll dream about it and it feels like I’m reliving the whole thing all over again. For a while I didn’t think it actually happened. I thought it was a dream that felt too real. But now I’m 100% sure it happened.
Whenever I remember more details or dream about it, it turns my life upside down. It always seems to happen at the worst possible times, like when I have a lot of work due or exams to sit and it has made it really difficult for me to continue education. It sometimes feels like I’m acting instead of living my life. Recently it’s started to make me feel like I’m not in my body or that I’m watching myself do things.
I’ve never actually told anyone what happened to me. I can’t mention it to my family because they’re not the most supportive. I tried somewhat mentioning it to a psychiatrist but it really isn’t something I can talk about. I can’t get my words out, I cry and every time I attempt to talk about it I fall into a deep depression.
I think the worst thing to me is knowing that if I ever felt strong enough to report it or even tell someone, I wouldn’t know what to say because I don’t know exactly what happened. I keep asking myself how I can expect people to believe me if I didn’t even believe myself at first? I know that it’s never the victims fault yet I blame myself everyday. I desperately want to go to therapy to begin repairing my life but i really don’t think I am strong enough to do that yet. I’m hoping talking about it on here will make me feel comfortable enough to seek professional help.
I am sorry for the incredibly long post but I guess I’m on here mainly to see if other people struggle to remember what happened to them and how they deal with it.