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Viceless

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Blog Comments posted by Viceless


  1. It’s so hard when no one in our lives understand. I’m sorry you have no one to turn to in your every day life but I think every person on this site would listen to you if you needed to talk. 
     

    It’s painful watching them live these great lives untouched and happy when we’re going thru hell because of them. I’m sorry you know how that feels. I‘m here if you need it. Your not alone in how you feel or your situation. I’m glad you posted. 


  2. @Celia Thanks you for sitting with me. 
     

    @Charlie.1 I don’t know why I didn’t get notified but I’m just now seeing this. Thanks for your thoughts. My therapist never tells me what I should do but she’s having me read a book on forgiveness. I would like to just let it all go and stop carrying the burden, but i can’t get there for some reason. It’s funny you saying I’m good at art cuz I just google clipart pictures and trace:) thanks tho:) I feel pressure to get thru this but i think maybe i need to slow down. I’m doing the best i can right now. 


  3. Wow your an amazing writer. I can feel the pain of where your coming from in the way you word things. Your post really hit home for me. I’ve been dealing with other peoples opinions about me and what I’m not doing enough of...lately but they don’t know what happened or what I’m going thru. Actually, a couple people do but because it never happened to them, they just don’t get it. I’m sorry you are in the same place. It’s extremely hard and can feel so hopeless. I know your not finding comfort from people close to you but I hope you can find it here. I’m with you in this pain and would always talk if you needed. I’m not pushing therapy...but I’ve heard of therapy chat lines...before. Maybe even just sharing what you shared here with a professional would help you feel like your going somewhere. It’s so true that if someone hasn’t dealt with the “thing” they can have no idea how you feel or how much it’s affected you even if it was years ago.  I always thought there was something really wrong with me but when I read posts like this, I realize that there is such a pattern. Please don’t feel alone in your journey. I don’t believe you are beyond help either. Just the fact that you posted here shows that you want help and that’s really the first step. Again, your way with words is amazing and I’m sorry for what your feeling... Keep posting!


  4. 5 minutes ago, girlsnz said:

    @Viceless

    Thanks for the books, i'll take a look.Some of it may be psychosomatic -  Looking at your list of books - I don't think I have read any of John Sarno, but I have read "The Body Keeps the Score." by Besel Vad Dr Kolk - I agree, it is a very good book.

    i know some of it is from the abuse - I had a broken bone in my lower back - doctor told me it had been broken for a very long time - probably was broken when I was a child - my father did like to throw me around.

     I blame the damage to my neck on my father as well, not sure if it is fair, but he picked me up by neck several times and he also used to choke me. 

     

    :ThankYou:

     

    I’m sure some of it could be related to the abuse as well. I’m so sorry for what you’ve experienced. Your right, it isn’t fair. You deserve better. 


  5. The Dr John Sarno books I’ve read are “the divided mind”, “the mindbody prescription” and “healing back pain”. I would read “the divided mind” last. It’s a bit technical. “Mind over medicine” by lissa rankin is another great book. She has a website as well. “the body keeps the score” by bessel van der kolk is a good one. 
     

    There’s an app called Curable that stems from the psychosomatic philosophy and also The Pain Cure Clinic is an online company helping people with chronic pain. You can talk to them for free before deciding if you want to try their method. I obviously don’t know enough about your history to say “it’s 100% psychosomatic” but it’s definitely worth looking into before more surgeries. Best of luck! My heart goes out to anyone dealing with chronic pain. It really takes a toll both physically and mentally. Reach out anytime:)


  6. Your dealing with alot. I have been dealing with chronic pain for years so I can somewhat relate to the frustration... Wether or not the MRI shows anything wrong, your pain is still real. It can feel like we’re going crazy or like the drs don’t believe us, but stick to your guns. You deserve not to be in so much pain. I’m glad your recovering from Covid. I’m sure that on it’s own has caused alot of stress... 
     

    I strongly, strongly recommend looking into Dr. John Sarno books on the mindbody connection. Also known as psychosomatic pain. He talks alot about herniated discs and MRI’s and surgery... Your here on this site for a reason and I would assume you’ve dealt with some form of trauma. Pain like that can cause our bodies to protect us by creating tension... Please read his books, it may change your life.

    You could also check out a documentary called “All The Rage”

    “When the body says no” is another great book related to the topic. It really hit home for me and was an easy read. 

    I have more recourses if your interested. 
     

    i hope you find the healing you deserve. 
     


  7. 4 minutes ago, Enigma87 said:

    I really connect with imagery sometimes more than words. So I appreciate when a person chooses art to communicate their feelings. It feels so organic.

    I'm glad you were able to get it out on paper. I'm also glad you are finding art as a way to communicate your pain over other harmful ways. I get it and connect with you on that.

    Sending safe hugs :hug:

    All i see is how dark and messed up i am so i appreciate your outlook:)

    thanks...


  8. 1 minute ago, Enigma87 said:

    Hmm.... Interesting. Let me first start by saying, I'm sorry you are feeling dissociated. :( I can see that reflected in your piece here. From what you know about me, I am deeply interested in deciphering the meaning in of works of art. Also, please know these are solely my observations.. 🧐

    I'm assuming the red areas are inflammation, tension, or pain you are feeling radiating through your body. The black ribcage (and possibly sternum) seem like to represent the darkness you are feeling inside, especially as the structure encaging your heart... which is the figurative center of your emotions. The black scribbles... may be the swirl and chaos of anxiety and emotional pain you're feeling causing the dissociation you mentioned. Just observations from the outside looking in. I could be totally wrong. 🙃

    Very interesting though. I'm glad you are using art to express your feelings and state of being. I find it to be such a helpful outlet myself.

    Sitting with you if okay :console:❤️

    Your pretty good at deciphering... I literally can’t remember what my point was but i guess it doesnt matter. I got it out on paper. 


  9. 1 minute ago, Enigma87 said:

    I'm so proud of you for writing this. I know it had to be hard. I'm sorry you've had to go through so much pain. It's just not fair, and you don't deserve it. To think your Dad and brothers aren't remorseful or attentive like they should be after something like this, is so upsetting. I'm glad you got this out in writing. This is powerful, and you are strong... more than you know.

    Sitting with you ❤️

    It actually made me feel alot better. I had been holding it inside and it was just getting worse. 
     

    I’m sitting with you too. 


  10. 6 hours ago, boxergal30 said:

    You are Not a freak show. You are a suvivor. And you are Loved

    Thank you I needed that. After hearing “Till It Happens To You” she’s starting to become one of my favorite artists. All of the chronic pain should be enough for me to realize it was bad enough...but sometimes I still blame myself for letting it affect me when it happened a long time ago. Thank you again. 


  11. At this point I’m just desperate to feel better so having someone else know what a freakshow I am isn’t the worst thing. I agree... I think I’m slowly reaching my breaking point thanks to craniosacral therapy and everything else. 
     

    good night:)

    thanks for sticking around
     

     


  12. 1 minute ago, Enigma87 said:

    Honestly, I don't feel that way about you at all. Maybe because I see myself in this too. When I see everything laid out like this, it tells me that this person doing these things is really hurting. 💔 They are in pain, and are doing all they can to survive the world they are in. That's what I see in you here. Not a bad person that doesn't deserve to be alive, or should be hated. But someone that needs more attention and support. I'm sorry you feel such pain and so badly about yourself. I believe you are great person, and are doing the best you can with what you have. This what you are doing to deal with the pretense you feel you have to set for others. Believe me, I get it more than you know. Please know things can get better. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

    No need to apologize. That's what AS is here for. You are not alone. I'm here. :console:

    Sending you hugs and a ton of support my friend ❤️:hug:

    Thank you I’ll take the hugs and the support. Another panic attack started a few hours ago and it hasn’t helped my mental state. I wasn’t doing anything triggering so i dont know. 


  13. Thanks... It makes me feel like the worst person ever and like I don’t deserve to be alive. If anyone really knew me they would hate me. Looking at it is like there are 2 separate people. I don’t know the person who does this stuff to themselves and nobody else does either cuz I pretend so well. It feels hopeless... 

    Sorry...I’ve kinda been spiraling. Not your problem:)


  14. 4 minutes ago, RubyRosie said:

    @Viceless 

    Thank you for reading my post and commenting. I'm glad that I was able to write som ething that you found helpful. I struggled with comparing my trauma to others for so so long. I'm glad I was able to say it in a way that you needed to hear.

    I'm sorry for the pain you've endured. I wish it hadn't happened.

    Sending strength and healing vibes your way, if you like.

    RR

     

    Im sorry as well. No one should have to go thru this. You seem to be further along on your healing journey tho which gives me hope. Yes I would like that thanks. 


  15. Also, this isn't the fucking trauma Olympics. I didn't place runner-up in a child sexual abuse competition. I don't get to minimize my trauma because I know that others have gone thru "worse" shit than me. I don't get to catagorize my pain out of existence just because I wasn't victimized in a particular act of sexual violence with a specific body part.”

    you have no idea how much i needed this. thank you, your awesome!

     

     

  16. 4 minutes ago, Enigma87 said:

    Sorry, I had to step away from my laptop about an hour ago, and am just now getting back on. How are you??

    I ended up laying under my weighted blanket on the floor of my room for 1/2 hr and that helped some. I don’t where that all came from. 


  17. 18 minutes ago, Enigma87 said:

    I hate how much pain you are feeling inside. I can feel it in your drawings here as well. Although I hate to see you in this much pain, I'm glad to see that you are using drawing as an outlet though. It has helped me so much. I never thought about using a drawing of an arm as a substitute for the real thing. That's pretty ingenious. I hope you are able to continue working through all the pain you are feeling with your T as well. Thank you so much for sharing this.

    Sitting you with you & Safe hugs :hug:

    I didn’t realize my blog was public:) I was gona invite you to it but wasn’t sure everyone could handle it or want to see. I get pretty dark...


  18. 43 minutes ago, Enigma87 said:

    Aw wow... I'm so sorry... I can feel a lot of what you are feeling from what you have depicted. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this and the feelings that come along with it. Again, I think are so brave for having confronted your brothers. Yet, I'm sorry this is how you are feeling as a result. The lack of empathy and support. It's heartbreaking. 💔

    Sitting with you as always ❤️

    Thank you. In the middle of fighting a panic attack... I don’t know what is going on. 

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