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Viceless

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Blog Entries posted by Viceless

  1. Viceless
    I went to the chiropractor tonight. I saw a different guy than normal cuz I changed the time last minute. He seemed like he was in a hurry. It was the fastest adjustment I’ve had and he didn’t tell me what he was doing before he did it. He had me stand against the wall and then basically pressed himself against me multiple times. In my mind I’m thinking “STOP!” but I couldn’t say anything. My mind was racing and I started thinking back… Then he has me lay on the table and basically laid on top of me. I was back in the past but trying not to think about it and tell myself that I was safe even tho I didn’t feel like it. I was just trying to not physically feel him. He was talking to me but I don’t remember any of it. It seemed like it went on for a long time but it was probably only a couple minutes. There was another girl in the room on the computer. I have no idea why and it made me feel even weirder. I got out of the office and felt like I was gona have a panic attack. I tried really hard not to tell myself that I’m stupid for letting something like that bother me and that I need to toughen up or get over it. I feel panicky and sick just typing this. I got home and overcompensated by being talkative… I’m realizing that when I have bad feelings, I feel like I’m gona get in trouble or like the other shoe’s gona drop. I compartmentalized it all and kind of shut down to get thru the rest of the night.
     
    Feelings/Thoughts below that I'm not proud of, but really struggling with.
     
    Tonight my sister in law (married to my oldest brother) cornered me. She basically unloaded what she thinks of me from the past 10 years. What is wrong with people? Why doesn’t anyone ever ask “Are you ok?” or “You seem to be struggling, can I help you?” or “I’m here to listen if you need it” and then not judge or give scriptures that make me feel like shit. You wonder why I don’t talk with you? Well, that’s why. I feel bad enough as it is. Why would I talk to you when you just make me feel worse and more alone…? She wants to point out that she doesn’t think I have any friends and how can I live like that and “alone in a crowd” talk. She talks about how I’ve changed a lot especially in the last year and how she was watching footage of me when I was 11 and how different I was then. No shit… She likes making it sound like her moving here was really helpful for me. All it did was make me feel even more un-normal. Kind of funny looking back. She thinks I’m weird and tries to change me when it’s her own husband that’s the cause of it all. 
    She kept asking me if I’m offended with anyone cuz I don’t seem like I’m apart… You wana know who I’m “offended” at? I’m offended at your screwed up husband for fucking my life up. I’m offended at my Dad for not protecting me or talking to me when he knew what happened. For making me want to not be alive every time he had a talk with me to “encourage” me. I’m offended at my mom for being so out to lunch she can’t see how much I’m struggling now, or then. I can walk around suicidal and she doesn’t even see me. Everything’s personally about her. I’m having a hard time? Oh, it must be cuz I’m having a problem with her. I’m offended at my other brother for screwing me up. I’m offended at my sister who was in the room and didn’t do a damn thing. I’m offended that both brothers acted like it was nothing when it’s completely altered my life. 
    I feel like saying all of that to her. Just getting it all out and rubbing everyones faces in it. Then she brings up the scripture about how people are sick and some sleep cuz they aren’t discerning the body. I don’t even know what that means exactly but I feel like saying, “Your the one with cancer so your one to talk”. I know…I’m a terrible person for thinking that. That would be a low blow and I would never say it but seriously… You wonder why I don’t talk to anyone about my health? Maybe cuz I’m gona hear “Your not discerning the body”. What the heck does that even mean? She would not let up and I just shut down cuz there’s no way I’m gona win or be heard. 
    We were walking and my brother (her husband) whistles like the way you do when your saying “you look good”. She laughs and jokingly says “I think he’s doing that for you”. It made me sick but I forced a laugh. At the end she’s standing there like a foot away from me and saying how weird it is that I’m not looking into her eyes and how that says a lot and how the eyes are the window to the soul… Dude… I’m not gona stare into your eyes. She’s trying to make me do it and I feel like telling her to go to Hell. I don’t have to look at anyones eyes. She tells me how “everyone else” looks at each others eyes. Well, I’m not everyone else. She’s saying if I looked at her eyes I would see the love she has for me. Thanks… that helps me so much. I really feel the love.
    I feel like it’s a miracle that I haven’t offed myself multiple times this year, or in the past 20 for that matter. I’m barely keeping my head above water. Some days, I feel so physically sick and tired that I feel like I won just cuz I made it through the work day. Sorry I don’t have the energy at night to do whatever you think I should be doing. Why are people in churches the most judgmental? I think about the line of an NF song a lot. “Church is where I found God, but it’s also where I learned to judge”. Then I start feeling super guilty. I mean, no one else around me seems to be depressed or suicidal so maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’ll look back on all this and feel like I made a mistake. Then I think about the last 25 years and how shitty they’ve been and I don’t want to live another 50 like that. 
    I feel like I have to justify me healing. Some people bring up “Field of Dreams” a lot and how the grown man can’t get over his dad not playing baseball with him and how he needs to get over it. I think I could get over it if that was all it was. Then I start thinking that I’m just using what happened as an excuse and it’s really all me that’s the problem. But then I get on After Silence or read about other people with childhood sexual abuse and all the symptoms and personality traits are exactly like me. It’s like I’m reading my life story. People act like cuz we’re Christian we have such a hope and like none of that is suppose to affect us. Maybe I’m a bad Christian but I don’t see how any of that helps me. Am I just suppose to suffer in silence cuz I’m doing stuff that my church and family probably wouldn’t agree with? Is that why I’m sick? God’s punishing me for breaking the rules and it would all go away if I would just let it go and be more of apart of our church? I can’t ask anyone tho cuz they have no idea what I’m dealing with. I think about the song “Till It Happens To You” a lot but then I question myself and wonder if I’m just playing the victim and am looking for reasons to be hurt… The story in the Bible about the guy who owes an unpayable debt and gets forgiven but then goes out and puts someone in jail for $20 is getting talked about a lot recently in our church. I’m sitting there feeling guilty and like I should be better. I don’t even know tho if it’s about forgiveness for me at this point. It’s more about not feeling physically sick all the time and not having to take pills to keep from offing myself. If I told my sister in law that I’m taking antidepressants, which I’d never do, the response wouldn’t be “I’m sorry your hurting” it would basically be about me not being good enough. About our joy coming from the Lord and how a merry heart is like medicine. WTF!
    No one I know would agree with me being on After Silence or reading other books to help me other than the Bible. I also think my relationship with God sucks. I’ve been realizing it more lately especially after meeting the trauma massage therapy lady who’s a Christian. She was telling me how she never felt God’s love and didn’t have peace. That’s how I feel but if I ever said that I would hear some scripture about how it’s my fault I don’t have peace. Probably something like “one of the fruits of the spirit is peace. You don’t have peace because your living by the flesh”. Thanks, that really helps me and makes me feel better… I think I’ll come talk to you again. She wants to bring up the guy I’m dating and is acting like I’m not the kind of person who he should like. Great…make it easy on me and call it off then. I don’t need it. 
    What’s crazy is that if I told my dad, who knows, about the conversation, he probably wouldn’t defend me at all and I would have to explain all over again. I’m isolating myself? I’m the one “missing out” on the people? I wonder why I do that. Maybe cuz every fucking time I talk, I feel like shit. I can make myself feel like shit all by myself. I don’t need more help reminding myself of what a screw up I am. 
    I don’t understand what the plan is. Wether it’s God or the universe or whatever… Like what is the end of all of this? Where do I end up? Why was it me out of everyone? God hates me that much or knew I was gona be messed up anyway? It’s like He put me in this impossible situation alone but somehow I’m suppose to stick it out and figure out how to live life. Why? Why not just let me be a normal person with normal stupid problems. I can’t wrap my mind around it but I start thinking that the end of this is gona be me cut off from everyone I know, or I won’t get completely healed cuz there will be some ultimatum and I’ll have to choose. I’ll end up with some addiction living on the side of the road talking to myself and my family will see me and think/say “She should have listened to us” and I guess they’ll be right. It feels like I’m not gona make it thru and that was God’s plan all along. Put me thru Hell and then make me suffer a little more. I’ll be some lesson for everyone else to look at and know what not to do. I feel like I must have done something to deserve it or why else would this be happening. 
  2. Viceless
    I either find a way to forgive or I literally don’t survive this. I barely made it thru the day. Feelings of not surviving were really strong. It’s all too much to carry alone. I either let it go or I go. It’s all just building up. I think I might actually be at the end of my rope. 

  3. Viceless
    I try to draw the bad stuff then add the good stuff in after to calm myself down. I kept going back and forth thinking of more bad stuff. I was triggered yesterday and got a phone call today that just made me feel “naked in front of a crowd”. I guess drawing helps me realize that I’m confused and struggling going back and forth really trying to keep myself out of the dark place. 

  4. Viceless
    Why are we the ones going thru Hell when it’s not our fault?
    How do I live with what I know?
    How long can I pretend to be ok before I have a serious mental breakdown?
    Do things ever really get better or do we just tell ourselves they will?
    What’s the point of being “aware” and facing everything if it just makes me feel worse?
    How did I end up the one in this situation?
    What is the overall reason or purpose or is there even one?
    Why is no one on my side?
    Even after getting the secret out, how am I still hiding? It made everything worse  
    Will this always feel impossible, unbearable...?
    How is something from so long ago affecting me so much right now?
    Am i being dramatic?
    I’m not asking for answers...it’s just stuff replaying over and over in my head these days. Self medicating probably isn’t the answer but at least at night I had an escape from it all.

  5. Viceless
    Sometimes all the therapy, self care, learning to see things differently...feels like a waste. My therapist asked me where I could be myself. I realized I’m not even myself some times when I’m alone. I can’t let my guard down with myself. Faking it till I make it isn’t gona work tho. 


  6. Viceless
    My therapist is saying it’s important to change the picture after I get all the bad stuff on paper. It's hard to think of positive things and feels like a waste of time since my reality isn’t changing. I’m hoping these small things add up tho. 
     
     


  7. Viceless
    I seem to be going backwards the last few days. Breathing has been worse than it has been in a while and the depression...is strong. I’m barely eating. I just want to be ok. If just one person in my life understood me, it would make all the difference. 

  8. Viceless
    I hate everything about you right now. I hate how comfortable and happy you are. I hate that you have no physical pain. I hate that you went back to normal after I told you something you did that completely altered my life. Something you remember doing. I hate how little power I have over everything and how Dad trusts and respects you still. It feels like a betrayal every time Dad talks to you like he doesn’t know what you did. He talks to me about you casually like I want to hear a damn thing. I don’t want to think about you or see you or have anything to do with you. I want you to leave me the Hell alone and to actually feel the weight of what you did to me. I want you to acknowledge how fucked up you are for looking at me like you did. I was a kid and you used me. Somehow that wasn’t suppose to affect me I guess. Somehow I was suppose to turn out normal. How the Hell could I be normal? Why didn’t you ever talk to me if it really weighed on you when you were younger like you said it did? Why didn’t Dad ever talk to me after you told him? You never once thought that maybe that was why I was so serious and reserved as a kid? It never crossed your mind that maybe that’s why I slept with a girl? You never thought of talking to me when you found out I was taking anti depressants and you had the nerve to question me going to therapy when it’s your own fucking fault I go. When I told you “You have no idea how bad things have gotten” you didn’t wonder? How dare you have an opinion about what I should be doing for my health. You don’t get a say anymore. How could I grow up trusting anyone after that? You want to tell me I’m guarded and act tough or that I’m rough around the edges. You better believe I am. Your the reason I can’t look at a child without looking for signs that they’re being hurt. I’m constantly on guard. You think I want to be thinking about something that terrible happening to one of them every time I see them? You’ll never take the blame and that makes me so angry. I’m angry that you’ve ruined our relationship. Even before I confronted you I thought about it often. When we’re alone or working together or at random times I would think about it wondering if you were too. I always pushed it away and blamed myself for thinking about it. I blamed myself for thinking “What if?”. What if you tried to touch me again? What if you did something and threatened me and I had to pretend even more than I already do? I’m realizing there was part of me that was scared to be alone with you. Then I get angry at myself for thinking any of it. I blamed myself for being screwed up enough to let those thoughts into my brain. I would push them away and tell myself to stop. It made me feel dirty and I hated myself for that cuz obviously you had forgotten. Turns out you didn’t forget. Maybe you were thinking about it too just like I was. After everything, I still feel guilty and think I must have deserved it. Maybe not the actual event but the aftermath of it. Maybe I’m just blaming you when really it’s all from sleeping with that girl or drinking too much or whatever else it could be. Maybe I’m just beyond help and the situation feels impossible because I’m impossible to help. I think I’m pretty angry but I think I’m also really sad which is painful to say cuz it means I care. Life could have been so much simpler. Now every time you talk it makes me angry. Your total hypocrites. You talk all this religious BS but I’m sitting right in front of you going thru Hell and you don’t care enough to see me or to sit with me and feel uncomfortable. You’ve made everything so confusing. Part of me knows that you care about me but part of me can’t trust you or believe what you say and you made it that way. I actually thought you were good guys but it turns out your just like the rest of them. Every time I see it or get the glue we use at work on my hands I think of you because it reminds me how it felt when you touched me. You think i want to be thinking about that? I never want to think about what happened again. I hate that I remember. How could I ever trust you fully knowing what you did and what you were thinking when you did it? My whole childhood is ruined. Not like it was much to look at before but at least I could pretend. I could pretend it only happened once and it was so long ago you don’t remember. What do you think when Mom turns on old family footage? All your talk about how happy and outgoing I used to be and how that was the real me and then acting like I did something along the way to mess it all up. I fucking hate your guts for putting the blame on me. It just makes me so angry that you’ve put me in such an impossible situation. If I moved away or offed myself, I would get blamed. Your kids wouldn’t trust me anymore because you would feed them some lie about me instead of telling them the truth. That it was your fault. Sometimes I wish I had moved away a long time ago so I didn’t love your kids like I do. I’m not gona be the reason they know pain. You tell me that you looked at me sexually as a kid and then expect everything to go back to how it was. I don’t know how to do that or how to just be ok. Whenever your around I feel like I need to cover myself with a shield so you can’t see me or look at me like that. My chest feels heavy and like everything’s moving around inside. It’s like the angers gona bubble over. Because we don’t talk about it and everything went back to normal for everyone but me, I feel like I’m having to follow your lead to survive. If Dad is gona talk to me like he did before he knew and bring you guys up casually in a conversation then I guess I’m suppose to be fine and the fact that I’m not is weird. I’m sitting in my room crying watching the music video to “Till It Happens To You” and then I’m suppose to go to church and pretend like nothing’s wrong. I walk down stairs in a dress and I feel like Dad’s undressing me in his mind. I don’t really think he is but how do i know. It makes me feel disgusting and gross. It’s like everyone else moved on and I’m stuck. I feel more alone than I did before which I didn’t know was possible. What’s funny is, if I were to lose it and say how I’ve been thinking about it or whatever, Dad would probably say of course he thinks about it too and how I should be talking to him. How about you talk to me? How about don’t make it about you when it’s not. If you want me to talk to you, make it easier. Stop blaming me that I don’t feel like I can come to you when I need help. Show you care and take the time to really stop and listen. Don’t tell me to “get to the point”. I’m sick of other people telling me you have alot going on and that’s why you react or are short with people. I have a lot going on too if you would just notice. How could you tell me that I possibly am to blame for some of what happened? You saying that maybe I need forgiveness for some of it really hurt and pissed me off. How could you say that? Would you tell one of your 10 year old grandkids that it was their fault? Maybe instead of making me feel like shit for not coming to you earlier, you should think about why I never felt like I could. How can I tell someone something so big and then get nothing in return? Does Dad really think that just cuz someone says sorry, that its all better? I can tell you from experience that it fucking isn’t all better. I’m so hurt and confused and completely alone. I see no way out. The deeper I go into all of this, the worse I feel and the more impossible it seems that things could ever get better. I feel better after getting all this out but I also feel guilty for saying it all. 
  9. Viceless
    Neither side looks very peaceful or calm. The right side was suppose to be the good side but I don’t know what it turned in to. The words on the left are how I feel I think. The right side is how I’m perceived/described by others. 

  10. Viceless
    I think I may be a little dissociated. I drew this in the last hour but I can’t remember what my thought process was or what I was trying to say. I’m still not sure what to make of it except that I’m pretty dark...
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