I went to the chiropractor tonight. I saw a different guy than normal cuz I changed the time last minute. He seemed like he was in a hurry. It was the fastest adjustment I’ve had and he didn’t tell me what he was doing before he did it. He had me stand against the wall and then basically pressed himself against me multiple times. In my mind I’m thinking “STOP!” but I couldn’t say anything. My mind was racing and I started thinking back… Then he has me lay on the table and basically laid on top of me. I was back in the past but trying not to think about it and tell myself that I was safe even tho I didn’t feel like it. I was just trying to not physically feel him. He was talking to me but I don’t remember any of it. It seemed like it went on for a long time but it was probably only a couple minutes. There was another girl in the room on the computer. I have no idea why and it made me feel even weirder. I got out of the office and felt like I was gona have a panic attack. I tried really hard not to tell myself that I’m stupid for letting something like that bother me and that I need to toughen up or get over it. I feel panicky and sick just typing this. I got home and overcompensated by being talkative… I’m realizing that when I have bad feelings, I feel like I’m gona get in trouble or like the other shoe’s gona drop. I compartmentalized it all and kind of shut down to get thru the rest of the night.
Feelings/Thoughts below that I'm not proud of, but really struggling with.
Tonight my sister in law (married to my oldest brother) cornered me. She basically unloaded what she thinks of me from the past 10 years. What is wrong with people? Why doesn’t anyone ever ask “Are you ok?” or “You seem to be struggling, can I help you?” or “I’m here to listen if you need it” and then not judge or give scriptures that make me feel like shit. You wonder why I don’t talk with you? Well, that’s why. I feel bad enough as it is. Why would I talk to you when you just make me feel worse and more alone…? She wants to point out that she doesn’t think I have any friends and how can I live like that and “alone in a crowd” talk. She talks about how I’ve changed a lot especially in the last year and how she was watching footage of me when I was 11 and how different I was then. No shit… She likes making it sound like her moving here was really helpful for me. All it did was make me feel even more un-normal. Kind of funny looking back. She thinks I’m weird and tries to change me when it’s her own husband that’s the cause of it all.
She kept asking me if I’m offended with anyone cuz I don’t seem like I’m apart… You wana know who I’m “offended” at? I’m offended at your screwed up husband for fucking my life up. I’m offended at my Dad for not protecting me or talking to me when he knew what happened. For making me want to not be alive every time he had a talk with me to “encourage” me. I’m offended at my mom for being so out to lunch she can’t see how much I’m struggling now, or then. I can walk around suicidal and she doesn’t even see me. Everything’s personally about her. I’m having a hard time? Oh, it must be cuz I’m having a problem with her. I’m offended at my other brother for screwing me up. I’m offended at my sister who was in the room and didn’t do a damn thing. I’m offended that both brothers acted like it was nothing when it’s completely altered my life.
I feel like saying all of that to her. Just getting it all out and rubbing everyones faces in it. Then she brings up the scripture about how people are sick and some sleep cuz they aren’t discerning the body. I don’t even know what that means exactly but I feel like saying, “Your the one with cancer so your one to talk”. I know…I’m a terrible person for thinking that. That would be a low blow and I would never say it but seriously… You wonder why I don’t talk to anyone about my health? Maybe cuz I’m gona hear “Your not discerning the body”. What the heck does that even mean? She would not let up and I just shut down cuz there’s no way I’m gona win or be heard.
We were walking and my brother (her husband) whistles like the way you do when your saying “you look good”. She laughs and jokingly says “I think he’s doing that for you”. It made me sick but I forced a laugh. At the end she’s standing there like a foot away from me and saying how weird it is that I’m not looking into her eyes and how that says a lot and how the eyes are the window to the soul… Dude… I’m not gona stare into your eyes. She’s trying to make me do it and I feel like telling her to go to Hell. I don’t have to look at anyones eyes. She tells me how “everyone else” looks at each others eyes. Well, I’m not everyone else. She’s saying if I looked at her eyes I would see the love she has for me. Thanks… that helps me so much. I really feel the love.
I feel like it’s a miracle that I haven’t offed myself multiple times this year, or in the past 20 for that matter. I’m barely keeping my head above water. Some days, I feel so physically sick and tired that I feel like I won just cuz I made it through the work day. Sorry I don’t have the energy at night to do whatever you think I should be doing. Why are people in churches the most judgmental? I think about the line of an NF song a lot. “Church is where I found God, but it’s also where I learned to judge”. Then I start feeling super guilty. I mean, no one else around me seems to be depressed or suicidal so maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’ll look back on all this and feel like I made a mistake. Then I think about the last 25 years and how shitty they’ve been and I don’t want to live another 50 like that.
I feel like I have to justify me healing. Some people bring up “Field of Dreams” a lot and how the grown man can’t get over his dad not playing baseball with him and how he needs to get over it. I think I could get over it if that was all it was. Then I start thinking that I’m just using what happened as an excuse and it’s really all me that’s the problem. But then I get on After Silence or read about other people with childhood sexual abuse and all the symptoms and personality traits are exactly like me. It’s like I’m reading my life story. People act like cuz we’re Christian we have such a hope and like none of that is suppose to affect us. Maybe I’m a bad Christian but I don’t see how any of that helps me. Am I just suppose to suffer in silence cuz I’m doing stuff that my church and family probably wouldn’t agree with? Is that why I’m sick? God’s punishing me for breaking the rules and it would all go away if I would just let it go and be more of apart of our church? I can’t ask anyone tho cuz they have no idea what I’m dealing with. I think about the song “Till It Happens To You” a lot but then I question myself and wonder if I’m just playing the victim and am looking for reasons to be hurt… The story in the Bible about the guy who owes an unpayable debt and gets forgiven but then goes out and puts someone in jail for $20 is getting talked about a lot recently in our church. I’m sitting there feeling guilty and like I should be better. I don’t even know tho if it’s about forgiveness for me at this point. It’s more about not feeling physically sick all the time and not having to take pills to keep from offing myself. If I told my sister in law that I’m taking antidepressants, which I’d never do, the response wouldn’t be “I’m sorry your hurting” it would basically be about me not being good enough. About our joy coming from the Lord and how a merry heart is like medicine. WTF!
No one I know would agree with me being on After Silence or reading other books to help me other than the Bible. I also think my relationship with God sucks. I’ve been realizing it more lately especially after meeting the trauma massage therapy lady who’s a Christian. She was telling me how she never felt God’s love and didn’t have peace. That’s how I feel but if I ever said that I would hear some scripture about how it’s my fault I don’t have peace. Probably something like “one of the fruits of the spirit is peace. You don’t have peace because your living by the flesh”. Thanks, that really helps me and makes me feel better… I think I’ll come talk to you again. She wants to bring up the guy I’m dating and is acting like I’m not the kind of person who he should like. Great…make it easy on me and call it off then. I don’t need it.
What’s crazy is that if I told my dad, who knows, about the conversation, he probably wouldn’t defend me at all and I would have to explain all over again. I’m isolating myself? I’m the one “missing out” on the people? I wonder why I do that. Maybe cuz every fucking time I talk, I feel like shit. I can make myself feel like shit all by myself. I don’t need more help reminding myself of what a screw up I am.
I don’t understand what the plan is. Wether it’s God or the universe or whatever… Like what is the end of all of this? Where do I end up? Why was it me out of everyone? God hates me that much or knew I was gona be messed up anyway? It’s like He put me in this impossible situation alone but somehow I’m suppose to stick it out and figure out how to live life. Why? Why not just let me be a normal person with normal stupid problems. I can’t wrap my mind around it but I start thinking that the end of this is gona be me cut off from everyone I know, or I won’t get completely healed cuz there will be some ultimatum and I’ll have to choose. I’ll end up with some addiction living on the side of the road talking to myself and my family will see me and think/say “She should have listened to us” and I guess they’ll be right. It feels like I’m not gona make it thru and that was God’s plan all along. Put me thru Hell and then make me suffer a little more. I’ll be some lesson for everyone else to look at and know what not to do. I feel like I must have done something to deserve it or why else would this be happening.