Jump to content
New registrants - please do NOT register using your real name (or anything resembling such) - your privacy is important to us and real-name registrations will be deleted. Please re-register with an anonymous display name. ×


  • Content Count

  • Joined

  • Last visited

Blog Entries posted by Alice24601

  1. Alice24601
    All these years I thought I was strong. I thought I was able to handle anything life threw at me, if I was just strong enough. So I played the role. And I believed it. I believed I was okay because the only other option was too hard to deal with. The truth is, I don't think I was strong enough to process everything I had gone through. So I threw it away. I got rid of my past and I made myself into someone else. The only problem was that I didn't know who I was. I still don't. 
    I didn't forget my past, not entirely. I just choose not to remember it. Everytime I recount my history to someone, I speak about it as if I'm am reading facts from a textbook. That's all the past is anyway, right? Just facts. I only met myself feel emotions regarding my trauma a few times a year. And even then, I only let myself feel sadness about missing my dad and my childhood. I didn't let myself dwell on anything else about that situation. I was too busy with the present anyway. Struggling my way through middle school after moving states, and with my mom recently diagnosed with breastcancer. Living in an apartment with just her, trying to get by with money we could get from the state, since she was unemployed. 
    Even after that chapter of my life has passed, and I had graduated from high school, I was still careful about what emotions I let myself feel. I have no real reason to be sad anyway, right? And what do all those emotions help with anyway? I know bottling up emotions is bad, so I wouldn't do that. I would dive in to books, or movies, or my own daydreams. I would let myself feel for those characters. I would immerse myself in those worlds, and let myself feel. 
    Somehow, I was able to make all this work for me. Everyday life is so hectic anyway, so it was hard to tell there was anything wrong under the surface. I didn't even realize there was anything I was covering up, that's how good I was at it. 
    So yes, I thought I was strong, and was still feeling that way until recently. Now, though, everyone is in quarantine. Life isn't so busy anymore. Those monsters under the surface, that I had hid even from myself, have started making waves. Of course, I noticed. 
    "Oh," I thought. 
    "There are some things I need to process. I can handle that. I have all the skills I need. I've been through so many forms of therapy, I don't need any help now. I can work through this on my own and be fine. This will be easy. I'll just work through it, and I'll know what to do as I go. This probably won't even hurt. I know what I'm doing now. Plus, everything happened so long ago, how could it hurt me now? I'm not afraid of my past. That all happened to a little girl. I'm an adult now. This will be no problem."
    So I went to face my monsters. I started out okay. It seemed like I could make this work. I kept going. I hit a wall. My brain is aware of what I'm trying to do, and won't put up with it. It gave me one small memory as a warning. It wasn't even much, and I had been expecting much worse as far as the content of the memories. I wasn't expecting the feelings that would come with them. The memory I received was enough to make me shutdown what I had been doing. 
    "We don't want these memories," my brain tells me. 
    "See how ugly they feel? See what I'm protecting you from? You're going to stop now, right?" 
    But I don't know what to do now. If I'm having issues, I should deal with them, right? 
    This is still recent, so I haven't unraveled the rest of my feelings about it yet. Hopefully I'll make another post soon. If you've read this far, then I would really appreciate it if you would comment below if you relate to this at all. 
  2. Alice24601
    Growing up, I was homeschooled. In third grade, my dad lost his job and my mom went back to work. So now my dad was in charge of my younger brother and me while my mom was at work. Everyday when he was done with his lunch, he would go to the master bedroom to rest. Since my brother and I were younger, he made us come in to the room with him so we wouldn't be unsupervised. We had to be quiet, and it was a king sized bed so we would just nap with him. This went on for a while and was fine. 
    In fourth grade, my brother and I didn't feel like napping, so we would quietly get up and mess around a little. Eventually, my brother started sneaking out of the bedroom to go watch TV quietly. I knew if my parents found out, we would be in big trouble. I refused to go with him and tried unsuccessfully to get him to stay in the room.
    This became a daily occurrence, and my dad noticed. However, he didn't mention it to my brother. 
    I don't remember how it started, or when the first time was. I know he sort of groomed me a bit, but I don't remember which things he did first. I'll try to go in order just using context and logic, but I really don't remember what order these events occurred in. 
    I had been going through a growth spurt and was having back pains. So bad that I was brought to the doctor. It turned out I had slight scoliosis. Almost daily I would have lower back pain. My dad (obviously) knew this and used it to his advantage. When I would be alone in the bedroom with him (during 'naptime'), he would ask me if I wanted him to massage my back for me. Of course I did. I don't remember if this next detail happened right away, or if he waited awhile before going further, but he would ask me to take my shirt off. I hadn't started going through puberty yet, so I wasn't even wearing a training bra or anything. I didn't think that was too unusual, and was fine with it since I had sensory issues anyway and did not care to feel my clothes being rubbed against my skin. 
    I don't remember exactly how the conversation went, but at some point my dad asked me if I wanted him to show me what girls do with their boyfriends. He told me I was getting older (I wasn't even ten yet) and that in a couple years or so I might be old enough to have a boyfriend. That really excited me and made me feel like I was finally starting to grow up. I did want to know what girls do when they're with their boyfriends, and I assumed this must be something every dad did with their daughters. I thought it was some kind of rite of passage. I had no idea what he was going to 'show' me. I was very sheltered and had no clue what sex was. I didn't have any clue what girls do with guys other than kissing. I didn't even know what French kissing was. I just thought everyone pecked their SO on the lips. My dad told me if we did, I couldn't tell my mom anything about it. He reminded me how strict she was and told me she wouldn't think I was ready for years. That made sense to me, and since I didn't want to have to wait, I agreed to let him 'teach' me. I figured that whatever he was going to do, it would be OK since he was my father and they're supposed to do what's safe for you and you're not supposed to disobey your parents anyway. 
    I don't remember where the conversation went after that or what we did. I don't remember how he started 'showing' me. I know that when my brother would leave the room, he would have me get up and lock the door behind him so he wouldnt be able to get back in. Then I would go back to lay in the bed with him. He would ask me to take my shirt off and lay on my stomach. I remember throwing clothes on the floor after taking them off. He would massage my back, and after awhile he would say 'lay on your back', so I would. He would then massage my stomach. I had never asked him to do that and he hadn't asked permission. He just told me he was going to do that. I thought that was a little odd, but it wasn't hurting anyone so I let him.
    I think after that he would move his way up. I have no idea why, I had no bust. I hadn't started puberty yet. I remember he would lick his fingers and then trace them around my nipples. I don't quite remember how I felt about it at the time, but later on thinking about that would be a trigger and I would experience phantom touches on my nipples when triggered. It would only be a few seconds, (the phantom touches) but it was enough to make me feel disgusted and freaked out. I would cringe and shake my head as if to snap myself out of it. Any time I would hear people talking about playing with nipples, I would be triggered. Anytime I had to recount this detail of my past to a therapist, I would be triggered. Later on I was able to work through that and now I don't have any problems with it. Anyway, I know that at the time I definitely didn't enjoy it, but I let him. I don't think I felt grossed out at the time (other than the fact that he was using his spit), but like I said, I don't really remember. 
    Another thing I remember is that he would grind on me and it would hurt. I didn't like it at all. I let him though because he was telling me what to do and you aren't supposed to disobey your parents. I would be sore from him grinding for awhile afterwards. If I remember correctly, he would take off his pants and leave his boxer briefs on. However, as he abused me day after day, I'm sure there were a number of different combinations of which clothes we were or weren't wearing. I just remembered clothes being put on the floor. Not really which clothes. I know he would have me take my pants off and I'm pretty sure that he would have me take my underwear off too. Like, I remember my panties being on the floor, but that's an isolated memory from that time and it might have been from later when my mom asked me to give her a pair to possibly be used as evidence. 
    It's been over ten years now, so all my memories from then are just little flashes and short isolated ones where I don't know how the situation ended or began. I don't know when I lost these memories, since I know I had them the following year after it occurred. 
    Well, I think that is enough for this post. Thank you if you read this. 
  • Create New...