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newhorizons

Member
  • Content Count

    35
  • Joined

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About newhorizons

  • Birthday February 15

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    England
  • Interests
    baking, gaming, writing, reading

Previous Fields

  • MembershipType
    Survivor

Recent Profile Visitors

256 profile views
  1. Made an Apple Cake today! Has anyone else baked/cooked anything nice recently?

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. Moongoddess

      Moongoddess

      That sounds so good! I just got home from the grocery store with the fixings to make some Indian Pudding!

    3. iluvac

      iluvac

      wish i knew how to bake apple cake! last time i made something was a while ago, and it was cookies i baked with my sister.

    4. newhorizons

      newhorizons

      This all sounds delicious!

  2. Welcome, @EvilRegal I'm so sorry for what brought you here. I just wanted to say that you don't have to disclose anything that you're not comfortable with here, and this is always a safe space for anything you want to talk about! Also, I absolutely adore cats and am a massive coffee and chocolate addict! I respect your interests 😄
  3. Yesterday an older man stopped me in the queue for groceries after staring at me for a while and said "just thought I'd let you know, cider vinegar is really good for bad complexion and acne"

    The suggestion was helpful, but jeeeez, a little rude commenting on a stranger's acne, right? 

    1. AKB

      AKB

      Yes a bit rude to just blurt it out to someone else in the queue. It seems that during these difficult times a lot of folks are forgetting social norms and courtesy. What did you say in reply?  Here are a couple of mine off the top of my head. 

      • "Thank you for the information. Did you know that getting a kick in the shins helps old folks to mind their own business?"
      • "Did you know that shutting your mouth is good for your health?"
    2. newhorizons

      newhorizons

      Yes I noticed that! It seems like people have just forgotten how to be polite! I was actually very polite and just said "Ah really? Thank you, I'll look it up later." and I scurried off as soon as possible haha. I can't be mean to strangers, unless they're catcalling and stuff like that. But when someone brings up an insecurity of mine, I completely freeze up and I can't be aggressive for some reason! Those responses are amazing, thanks for that 😂 Definitely brightened my day!

  4. newhorizons

    Windows

    Windows have come to be a prominent part of my life. I don't mean physical windows, no no, but the windows that guide me through the motions of every day life. I feel that my life is spent behind lenses, and not just my glasses. It's difficult to explain but I feel that these windows can be both good and bad for me. Sometimes, the window is clear. My brain wants me to see the reality of what is happening and what has happened. Sometimes I like it, and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I like remembering and seeing the things that have hurt me, with hindsight and understanding. It helps me to try to understand why I am the way I am, and how to look at these things from afar. The window creates a safe barrier between me and my memories. Most of the time I hate it. I want to scream. I see and hear everything that has happened and I feel like it is being forced onto me. Memories being shown out of no where. It can't touch me through the window but it's smearing it's face on the glass, trying to attack me. But I'm glad the window is there. If I am being shielded by a clear window in reality, it means that I can either distract myself easily or ignore what has happened. Sometimes this is good. I can ignore the threat and carry on as if nothing is happening, tend to the situation etc. I can look after people very well and not get too bothered by it myself, because there's a window blocking my emotional connection. This can hurt me, as I come to bottle things up and trauma that I don't realise is trauma can come up in the future. My emotions cut off. I'm not in reality. I'm piloting a body and the window is clear. The window is also foggy at times. I can make out faint remarks of what once was from my memories. I can see things happen but from another perspective, but not clearly. Everything is dirty and there's bedsheets and ceilings to look at. I can't be there, I won't be there. But part of me wants to be there. The fog is getting stronger the more I peer in. I can see the walls of the scene, hear the breathing, the words said, the fear. My mind won't let me see. But I just want to know why. But then again, I don't want to know at all. I don't know what else to write. I can't be bothered to edit it... I just wanted to write something. It makes sense to me, anyway. I think I need to call a phone line soon. I'm getting worried about myself. I don't know what to do. ✌️
  5. Everything feels so unreal. I don't know who I am. I don't know if my actions are truly mine. Someone else is piloting my body. I want control back. Did I ever truly have it in the first place?

    1. MeBeMary

      MeBeMary

      Sitting with you. :hug: 

  6. I'm hoping to become an ambulance assistant once the training in the UK becomes available again! I'm currently a cook at a cafe doing takeaway services...just need Covid to bugger off 🤣

    1. snmls

      snmls

      That's exciting! Best of luck. 

    2. MeBeMary

      MeBeMary

      Such a respectable and admirable direction to go into. You will be helping people...hopefully, as well...no COVID patients, bc COVID has buggered off. :lol: 

  7. Hi guys, just a little blog post. With what's going on, I've been increasingly finding it difficult to keep up a face that isn't damaged by the relationship rape I went through. (I hate saying that word, it's getting difficult for me to believe myself anymore). I've told my sibling, but when I did, she just didn't really respond well, which is understandable because it doesn't sound believable. I don't think she understands how people can remember a few years down the line. So I don't want to make her remember or get angry at me. It always ends with her kind of being frustrated that it's all in the past and I should move on. This could be all my interpretation, as I have dissociation issues and I'm often unable to distinguish what has been said and what hasn't. I'm afraid of telling my Dad. Him being a previously widowed single parent who raised me alone from 12, he's had a lot on his plate and still does. When I was with my ex, he constantly told me to break up with him, as he wasn't a great partner and was a jobless twat after school. I feel that if I ever tell him, he'll develop a vendetta, become more protective of me, coax me into taking police action, etc. Which I don't want to happen. But I feel I need to tell him something at some point. It's getting difficult to not cry at the moment. I'm finding it difficult to cope, cooped up with my family and them not knowing what's happened to me. Denial is also taking me over, since I've been off from work, away from my boyfriend, and with people who don't understand the extent of my mental health issues. I think posting on AS has also sky rocketed my denial, as I'm unsure as to weather putting it on paper (or screen, as it were) is good for me. I know it is, but the denial is making it difficult to believe what's happened. Everything is so blurred and I just can't get to the bottom of things. Therapy can't come soon enough... I had results back from NHS funded VitaMind, and I scored 14 for PHQ9 low mood, and 19 for GAD7 anxiety. This means I've got probable severe anxiety. I'm awaiting trauma therapy because of what I've told them about how things are haunting me. I'm nervous and I know that this will raise questions in my house as to why I'm going through trauma therapy. I've thought about lying and saying it's mostly about seeing my Mum deceased on her bedroom floor or something, but that's a smaller problem in comparison to this ordeal I've had to face. If you're reading this, hi! Thank you for hearing my voice ❤️ Sipping a coffee if anyone would like to join me ❤️
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