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moop

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    35
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  • Gender
    Female

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  • MembershipType
    Survivor

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  1. I've been on an especially intense isolation streak lately. Usually I can try to get support online even though I have very little human interaction in real life. But lately, it feels too overwhelming and pointless. Talking to people online is hugely helpful, but the problem is that I'm lacking deeper relationships (especially offline) that feel satisfying. This has always been my pattern and it's becoming worse as I get older. Human connection is scary. It is so, so fucking scary. Because it is unpredictable. And I perceive it as uncontrollable because I'm afraid of doing the basic thing
  2. My hypersexuality is a sneaky, hidden trait. To most people I come across as very modest and sex averse. I'm afraid of wearing anything that shows skin because I'm insecure about my body and don't want people to pay attention to it. I have the body language of someone who is ashamed to exist. It's rare for me to talk about sex. But privately, I'm obsessed with sex. Or at least obsessed with performing sexual behaviors to control the feelings I have from being raped. I've been compulsively masturbating 3-4 times per day. Sometimes more. I don't really want to. It's to the point
  3. moop

    :/

    I feel swallowed by shame. I don't understand how I have managed to survive for this long. I don't mean that in a bad way, the amount of trauma I've had is just hitting me hard. A lot of the time I feel numb to how bad things really were. It doesn't feel real. That kid getting yelled at, watching holes get punched in walls, getting raped... I know her, but she doesn't feel like me. I don't know how to process how violated and dehumanized I feel. I feel like trash. Worthless. I want to cry, but I don't feel real enough to make it happen. I feel repulsive. Disgusting. I want
  4. I am in a dark place right now. Winter is always challenging. It feels dark, cold, and bleak. Some of my normal coping skills, like hiking, aren't accessible. Every year I fall apart more than usual when the daylight decreases. But things have been worse than usual, because my PTSD symptoms feel out of control. Sleeping, moving, eating, drinking, showering... it all feels so fucking challenging. It is painful to exist. I'm doing my best to go through the motions but I'm not really sleeping. My partner's sleep apnea is making it so much worse, I'm afraid to even try to sleep
  5. Trauma has created a bizarre relationship between reality and my internal world. I'm familiar with reality. I know the facts— that I am not unusual, these things happen to a lot of people, it was not caused by anything I did,.etc. But I don't truly feel any of that. In my heart, what I feel is that I'm a stupid w**re. That I deserved everything that has happened to me. My bones feel full of dirt and coated in mud. I have done a lot of disgusting, dehumanizing things that I didn't want to do. I have sought out partners who treated me like dog shit, then desperately clung to them
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