Everything posted by New Uni Student
So, it's been over two months since I moved to University. I haven't been able to go home because I'm so scared that I will bump into him and he will do what he keeps telling me he wants to do to me. My depression has been getting so much worse and I've been contemplating ending my life so many times. I'm getting better at hiding my fear of men now. But it builds up and I have to leave before I have a panic attack. When I see large groups of guys, I have to take a completely different root. I've also recently gone back to smoking to help with my anxiety. I don't know what to do anymore. I haven't told my university about it yet because I know they will tell me to report the issue but I don't want to report it. I know if I do, then I will be questioned and it will look like it's my fault. I still believe that what happened is still partially my fault because I rejected him and he was angry. I should never have trusted him and talked to him in the beginning. I feel like an idiot. I never tell people about the second time he assaulted me. It wasn't as bad as the first time but it still hurt. The second time was because I made the same mistake I made the first time it happened. I went down the same alley thinking it would be safe but I didn't know he had seen me from inside the pub. He grabbed me and ripped my clothes again. He didn't get as far as last time but he hit me quite a few times. This was about a month and a half after the first time he assaulted me. After that, I never went home without someone. I tried dating someone but I couldn't keep up with him and broke up with him. He was manipulative and tried to manipulate me into having sex with him even though I wasn't ready. He made me feel bad about how I looked and when I didn't want to spend time with him because I got into my own head, he made me feel so bad. I'm so worried about being with someone in case they treat me like that again. I've been told by so many guys in my life that because I don't want to have sex, guys will just take it forcefully and that's all I'm good for. Right now, I'm going through my daily life without feeling anything but sadness and anxiety. I just don't know what to do anymore.
I managed to put it behind me, or so I thought, in time for my A-Level exams. After the two months of exams, it hit me like a truck about what happened. I hadn't forgotten, it kept me up at night. I would randomly wake up in the middle of the night from a nightmare. I thought that, if I move to a new city for university, I wouldn't feel so scared, so afraid of people. So, I accepted my place at a university. I had to move into a house with two guys and three other girls. I thought I could handle it. I couldn't. I ended up having several breakdowns and panic attacks. It got so bad to the point I contemplated ending it all. Luckily my friends and my housemate, who found out what happened, stopped me. I'm now on a waiting list for counselling with my university. I recently found out that the guy who assaulted me, I knew him. I had worked with him. Ever since I moved, he had been asking around about me, wondering where I had gone. He still doesn't know where I am but I have these horrible dreams where he finds me and finishes what he started. People tell me I should report him because I know him, but I no longer have evidence for what he did. No cameras, no more bruises and cuts to show what he did. Who would officials believe, him or a 19 year old girl? I'm so scared about what he would do if he did eventually find me....
April 2019; it was close to my A-Level exams so I was already stressed. I was already suffering from depression, for about 5 years at that point. I was walking home from work, it was a Saturday evening and I live near quite a few pubs so there were lots of people drinking and standing outside. I’m used to getting harassed by drunk guys who stand outside the pubs but they’ve never done anything. This time was different. This was the last pub I had to go past before I would be on my street; there was a large group of men standing outside the pub, I wasn’t too sure if they were all drunk or not, I didn’t really care, I was tired and wanted to go home. They had already started cat-calling me so I decided to turn and use a different route to go home. I had my earphones (noise-cancelling) in and continued walking. I didn’t realise one of the guys had followed me. There is a little secluded alleyway behind this pub and the guy grabbed me and dragged me into the alley. He covered my mouth and told me to not scream or he’d make it worse. He ripped my clothes and my underwear and tried to rape me. I had managed to hit him with my keys and get away from him. I ran home and chucked my clothes in the bin. I was terrified to even leave my house. I took the next day off of work and luckily had school holiday so I stayed home. I went to a doctor to check on my injuries, she said I was lucky he hadn’t actually raped me and that it wasn’t a big deal since I still have my hymen. After that, I became so scared to tell anyone as I was worried that I was just making a big deal as he never got to get that far with me. I felt stupid for being so scared and I blamed myself as I wasn’t paying attention to my surroundings. It took me 5 months to tell my friends and my sisters. I had managed to put it to the back of my mind during my exams but afterwards, it hit me like a truck and I couldn't face people without feeling ashamed. I felt dirty and felt like a disappointment to my parents. I have not told my parents nor did I report it. That is the beginning of my story.