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About sisyphus

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    Becoming Strong. The rock hasn't rolled back and crushed me yet.

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  1. Slowly, slowly, I'm finding my center and self again. 

    Have been doing intensive PEMF therapy (Pulsed ElectroMagnetic Frequency). It is physically, mentally and emotionally the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It  does finally seem to be getting easier., and the improvements are worth getting worse before I started getting better. Worse was very, very scary. Better is starting to feel like... me. 

    My therapist told me that I was going through an ego death when I became overwhelmed with these recent urges to self harm. I don't know how she could tell that I was about to have a major shift, but she was right. I'm not interested in an ego death, I'm really whatever about that - I just want to be functional and not shaking to my bones all the time.

    But something in me has found an acceptance of the way things are, and a willingness to enjoy my life again. 

    All of the sudden one morning a few days ago my executive function came back on line. It's not 100%, but my brain doesn't feel like it's exploding all the time. My senses and perception are starting to normalize. This is good. 

    I found out my son is telling people that I started shooting up and went crazy, because one of the seizure meds I tried was an injection. That hurt like hell for a few days and now I feel almost indifferent. The world where what people think of me matters, seems like lifetimes ago. 

    I spent some time in the mountains with a good friend,  in a cabin with no technology. It was difficult to have so much one on one interaction as I have become accustomed to being alone, but by the end of our time together I was joking and making up little songs like I used to, and having memories that feel safe. She held me while I sobbed my guts out. I needed that, really badly. I stopped trying to talk over two years ago, and I don't exactly believe that it's ok yet, or that she wants to hear me, but it is good to talk again. 

    I still feel pretty scrambled, and the anxiety waves goes through my belly in knots and sick. The grief is a less constant lump in my throat but still a lump. I still feel really trapped in my living circumstances, and have no clue where I would relocate.  One of my crowns crumbled  while I was eating and I broke a tooth. The red tape of my bankruptcy just left me without an entire paycheck I was counting on, but I'm not going into anxiety or distress.

    I'm going to try weaning off my sleep meds to see what happens. Last night I got 5 hours of natural, restorative sleep. 

    I guess the PEMF is working. 

    Thank you to all the people here cheering me on, and sharing your own stories. I wouldn't have survived without you. I'm pissed at what they've done to us but glad we've found each other. 


    1. AKB


      I'm glad that you're slowly getting back to being "you" whatever form that may take. It's so very hard this healing work sometimes. Sending you lots of support as you continue to work your way through a lot of stuff. Sitting with you if you'd like to have the (silent) company.

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