Single Status Update
I’ve had some very rough days.
I’m not ok.
A few weeks ago I had an attorney show up. We had extensive conversations about my situation. He extended his services and made commitments. He met with my therapist. He understands clearly that my ptsd is life threatening. He made plans with me to walk me through the different steps of stabilizing my life while I stabilize me. He encouraged me to redirect my efforts. My therapist walked me through several sessions of trust & receiving work. He asked me to work with him as though I were a paying client.
he just dropped me. He did not explain why. He did not acknowledge the impacts to me that we had discussed. His involvement has made my situation worse, and I’m now months behind on trying to organize the major project of getting my tiny house built this summer. I made decisions thinking I had support if the restraining order was violated again. He promised to research cameras for my property and write the quit claims I need. I don’t understand why he would go out of his way to offer support then retract it.
I can’t seem to stop texting & writing to the people who have harmed me and betrayed me to ask them why and beg them to please just talk to me & care about me, and screaming at them for the violations. I’m terrified that my housemate will decide I’m too much like everyone else and I will have to live on the streets, even as we are bonding and our friendship is getting deeper. I’m incapable of trust. I don’t understand. I am so good to people. I always have been. I worked so hard my entire life. I don’t understand why everyone has helped the stalker and doesn’t care about the things he’s done to me. My family has treated me like I’m dirty. I’m so scared, my health is falling to pieces along with my transportation. Ive become ostracized by people I’ve had deep relationships with for decades, without explanation or opportunity for understanding or restoration. As far as I can tell it’s just the smear campaign and my reactions to it.
I’m tired of fighting to survive just do I can be in constant distress. The panic sensations are unbearable. The change in my personality is unbearable. The confusion and pain is unbearable. The loss and betrayal of my entire family and friends is unbearable. The fear of the stalker is unbearable. The theft of my life’s work & savings is unbearable. They even destroyed my photographs and stole my writing portfolio. I’m a good person. Murderers & rapists get treated better than this.
I’m terrified of the people left in my life. I couldn’t handle it if one of them turned on me. They all tell me that I’m a better friend at my worst, than anyone else is at their best.
but I have these friends, and I want to focus on that, but my wounds from being stabbed in the back are festering and won’t heal.
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Thank you so much for supporting my pain and emotions in this matter. Your validation and encouragement made all the difference in helping me feel my feels and not react in real time.
update: I was patient and did not react. I initiated inquiry and had a great conversation with the attorney last night. It turns out, that our conversations have compelled him to look at his own trauma, which has in turn compelled him to confront his main avoidance mechanism, which is alcohol. He is seeking professional support, and our agreements feel more steady, realistic and reliable on both ends than they were. I feel stronger in myself for the experience, and less dependent. We just eliminated any rescue me/savior dynamic in a healthy, balanced way.
He still has my back. I am grateful. I am clear on what I have to offer in return, and it's not money.
Overall, of course with the large exception of the attorney unfortunately struggling, this sounds good. Seeing patterns of behavior in people that are around you that are caring and want to care. They continue dialogue and explain feelings in calming manners. Sounds like a huge step for trusting in certain people little bit by bit. I’m happy for you.