sisyphus

I’ve had some very rough days. 

I’m not ok. 

A few weeks ago I had an attorney show up. We had extensive conversations about my situation.  He extended his services and made commitments. He met with my therapist.  He understands clearly that my ptsd is life threatening. He made plans with me to walk me through the different steps of stabilizing my life while I stabilize me. He encouraged me to redirect my efforts.  My therapist walked me through several sessions of trust & receiving work. He asked me to work with him as though I were a paying client. 
 

he just dropped me. He did not explain why. He did not acknowledge the impacts to me that we had discussed. His involvement has made my situation worse, and I’m now months behind on trying to organize the major project of getting my tiny house built this summer. I made decisions thinking I had support if the restraining order was violated again. He promised to research cameras for my property and write the quit claims I need. I don’t understand why he would go out of his way to offer support then retract it. 
 

I can’t seem to stop texting & writing to the people who have harmed me and betrayed me to ask them why and beg them to please just talk to me & care about me, and screaming at them for the violations. I’m terrified that my housemate will decide I’m too much like everyone else and I will have to live on the streets, even as we are bonding and our friendship is getting deeper. I’m incapable of trust.   I don’t understand. I am so good to people. I always have been.  I worked so hard my entire life. I don’t understand why everyone has helped the stalker and doesn’t care about the things he’s done to me. My family has treated me like I’m dirty. I’m so scared, my health is falling to pieces along with my transportation. Ive become ostracized by people I’ve had deep relationships with for decades, without explanation or opportunity for understanding or restoration. As far as I can tell it’s just the smear campaign and my reactions to it. 
 

I’m tired of fighting to survive just do I can be in constant distress. The panic sensations are unbearable. The change in my personality is unbearable. The confusion and pain is unbearable. The loss and betrayal of my entire family and friends is unbearable. The fear of the stalker is unbearable. The theft of my life’s work & savings is unbearable. They even destroyed my photographs and stole my writing portfolio. I’m a good person. Murderers & rapists get treated better than this. 
 

I’m terrified of the people left in my life. I couldn’t handle it if one of them turned on me. They all tell me that I’m a better friend at my worst, than anyone else is at their best. 
 

but I have these friends, and I want to focus on that, but my wounds from being stabbed in the back are festering and won’t heal.