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sisyphus

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About sisyphus

  • Rank
    Becoming Strong. The rock hasn't rolled back and crushed me yet.

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  • Gender
    Female

Previous Fields

  • MembershipType
    Survivor

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Single Status Update

See all updates by sisyphus

  1. I don’t want to hide in the basement anymore. I don’t want to be scared all the time. I don’t want to avoid all the things I used to love because I’m afraid of having PTSD episodes. I’m so tired of my brain not working right. I don’t want to fight one more ignorant victim shaming while I try to come alive again. I want to live my life without fear of what he will do to me next. I want to be able to blow off the aggressive MF’s making sexual comments like I used to.  I want to make peace with what my family & friends did, and focus on the people who are showing up now and helping me survive.  

    So many of us here have survived horrific torture. I want so much for us. I’m becoming more ok, more often. But no matter how many times I come up for air, I always go back under.

    I had an effing panic attack for no immediate reason except that I was finally fully enjoying myself for a while.  

    I have so much grief and anger for what was taken from me, from us.  I want to believe I can have a good life again.  
     

    I want to go home. 

    1. cass1

      cass1

      I’m so sorry sisyphus. I wish you didn’t have to continually suffer. I’m glad to hear you are becoming more okay more often but I wish you didn’t have to ever not be okay. Shouldn’t we get to be okay at some point. I believe you can have a good life again. I’m sending you safe hugs and support. 

    2. sisyphus

      sisyphus

      Thank you so much, @cass1 . Those moments of despair feel so endless. 

      And a couple of days later, reading this, I can see that I'm healing. I'm claiming what I want for myself in life. I found someone who rocked me and held me through that PTSD episode, instead of shaking through it all alone. I'm looking at what I want in life, instead of focusing on hopelessness & despair & self hatred. 

      I'm going to have a good life again, whether I believe it or not. It won't be what it was, but I will not be ruled by stalkers & rapists. 

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