Single Status Update
I don’t want to hide in the basement anymore. I don’t want to be scared all the time. I don’t want to avoid all the things I used to love because I’m afraid of having PTSD episodes. I’m so tired of my brain not working right. I don’t want to fight one more ignorant victim shaming while I try to come alive again. I want to live my life without fear of what he will do to me next. I want to be able to blow off the aggressive MF’s making sexual comments like I used to. I want to make peace with what my family & friends did, and focus on the people who are showing up now and helping me survive.
So many of us here have survived horrific torture. I want so much for us. I’m becoming more ok, more often. But no matter how many times I come up for air, I always go back under.
I had an effing panic attack for no immediate reason except that I was finally fully enjoying myself for a while.
I have so much grief and anger for what was taken from me, from us. I want to believe I can have a good life again.
I want to go home.
Thank you so much, @cass1 . Those moments of despair feel so endless.
And a couple of days later, reading this, I can see that I'm healing. I'm claiming what I want for myself in life. I found someone who rocked me and held me through that PTSD episode, instead of shaking through it all alone. I'm looking at what I want in life, instead of focusing on hopelessness & despair & self hatred.
I'm going to have a good life again, whether I believe it or not. It won't be what it was, but I will not be ruled by stalkers & rapists.