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sisyphus

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About sisyphus

  • Rank
    Becoming Strong. The rock hasn't rolled back and crushed me yet.

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  • Gender
    Female

Previous Fields

  • MembershipType
    Survivor

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Single Status Update

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  1. Afraid to be happy? 
     

    An old friend came and swooped me up for an impromptu vacation. As in, two weeks in Costa Rica. I had two days notice, and  I was so depressed and so concerned about panic attacks & travel that I almost didn’t come. 

    I’m glad I did. This time has been deeply nourishing, and I’m only on my second day here. She, too, has experienced major trauma since we last saw each other 3 years ago. She, too, thought I no longer wanted her or loved her as we were both treated badly by the same group of friends. 
     

    The beach has been nourishing & wonderful. My new meds are helping a lot. We have cried a lot as we’ve shared stories, and last night she held me tight when the panic hit. I have been so cut off from human contact that it is work to believe I actually have support and love. We have both spent a lot of time building each other up where our beloveds have torn us down.  We have laughed, too - and the frown on my face was becoming so constant that it actually hurts my muscles to smile. 
     

    Being with her and the ocean feels so easy & natural, and I feel like myself for hours on end. 
     

    then I remember. 
     

    I remember what happened and I swear it’s like my brain slides sideways. Nothing makes sense. I feel like I’m doing something wrong. I’m afraid to be hopeful.  I feel like I don’t deserve her generosity, and I’m embarrassed and ashamed that she has to pay for everything. She corrects me - she WANTS to provide for me and reminds me of all the ways I used to provide for her... before it all happened. 
     

    but those moments where I can forget are so precious. 

    1. mini.finch

      mini.finch

      First off, I'm so glad that you went for that surprise vacation! It sounded awesome. A true and well deserved reset from the tough times. Your friend sounds wonderful. :) 

      But I'm sorry that the memories decide to take over. You're not doing anything wrong...if anything, you're doing what's right. You're doing the most important thing for yourself by accepting support and love from your friend. You're healing, and that is ok. It's normal to feel unsure about accepting someone's kindness when you've struggled for such a long time. But it's totally ok. I'm proud of you. ❤️ 

    2. sisyphus

      sisyphus

      Thank you, @mini.finch

      I’ve been having some good spells of several hours at a time, then crashing pretty hard between.  It’s nice to reconnect with myself and my friend. The crashes are hard but the good spells tell me there’s hope I can stabilize.

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