sisyphus

Afraid to be happy? 
 

An old friend came and swooped me up for an impromptu vacation. As in, two weeks in Costa Rica. I had two days notice, and  I was so depressed and so concerned about panic attacks & travel that I almost didn’t come. 

I’m glad I did. This time has been deeply nourishing, and I’m only on my second day here. She, too, has experienced major trauma since we last saw each other 3 years ago. She, too, thought I no longer wanted her or loved her as we were both treated badly by the same group of friends. 
 

The beach has been nourishing & wonderful. My new meds are helping a lot. We have cried a lot as we’ve shared stories, and last night she held me tight when the panic hit. I have been so cut off from human contact that it is work to believe I actually have support and love. We have both spent a lot of time building each other up where our beloveds have torn us down.  We have laughed, too - and the frown on my face was becoming so constant that it actually hurts my muscles to smile. 
 

Being with her and the ocean feels so easy & natural, and I feel like myself for hours on end. 
 

then I remember. 
 

I remember what happened and I swear it’s like my brain slides sideways. Nothing makes sense. I feel like I’m doing something wrong. I’m afraid to be hopeful.  I feel like I don’t deserve her generosity, and I’m embarrassed and ashamed that she has to pay for everything. She corrects me - she WANTS to provide for me and reminds me of all the ways I used to provide for her... before it all happened. 
 

but those moments where I can forget are so precious.