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About survivor07

  • Birthday 07/31/1992

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  1. survivor07


    This is the truth I hold, It took a lifetime to unfold but only a moment to be locked away and never told. Now hear me speak, I'm done feeling weak. The story I have to tell is my living hell. Don't be so quick to assume I led myself to this doom, I do that enough. Sometimes its tough, people don't want to know, instead they say 'it was so long ago' aren't you over it yet? I heard that so much, so i pretended to be all set. I even believed some of my own lies, but the truth about pain is that it never really dies. It sits there like dead weight, making it hard to believe it started with a first date. The best part is when people tell me what they would've done or ask, 'why didn't you run?' All I can do is roll my eyes, their ignorance is no surprise. Who do these people think they are, none of them were there in my car.
  2. survivor07


    He told me to lay back....I did. He rubbed my stomach....He put his finger in the middle of my chest and drew an imaginary line down my stomach and belw my belly button. I was wearing jeans. He undid the button and I didn't stop him. I should've pushed his hand away or hugged him to get him to stop. He undid the zipper and I didn't fight him. All I could do was bite my lip as I started to cry. His hands were so soft and warm. I could feel them inching closer to what I valued most. He moved around and I hated it. I couldn't wait for it to be over. I didn't understand how anyone could possible enjoy that.
  3. survivor07

    That night

    She remembers that night She remembers it all That feeling of being so alone That feeling that no one cared He was supposed to make it stop She loved how he talked to her like he cared But did he really? She remembers His gentle touch and how happy she'd been but was she really? With his arms around her, he said, "I love you" But did he really? She remembered All the pain she felt that night All the pain she felt when he left and how her heart ached She had been forgotten. but now they'll remember her because she remembered that night.
  4. survivor07


    She's been pushed down so many times, no one noticed She feels this time will be the last, but no one cares As she lies there fading, her thoughts are invaded by memories of a painful past She feels the pressures of shame, rejection and self-hatred building, but no one seems to notice As she lies there on the floor she has no strength to get up Shes not worth it anymore Right now she is lonely Even though you can't tell, she is reaching out for what she doesn't know She will continue to sit in silence and hope that someone will stumble across her and all her emptiness but they only hope they reach her in time otherwise she will have drifted too far and she may let go of whatever grasp of the world she has as she slowly fades out of the lives of everyone Nearly unnoticed
  5. survivor07

    Another day

    Six thirty in the morning Afraid to open my eyes Another day of grief A day of fear Another day spent all alone I try to justify all the pain all of this guilt and shame before my eyes Another day of confusion Another day of wondering I could've stopped it, but now all of this pain that I feel all this anger, is it ever going to go away? Twelve Midnight Afraid of the nightmares again my breathing stops All I can do is stare into the night Another night of crying A night of hiding Alone once again My heart feels empty and I can't cry another tear Another day wasted on insecurities A day of wonder Is this ever going to end?
  6. survivor07

    15 year old self

    I am so scared and worked up. For so long people had been bothering me to "get help" or "talk about it". So I did, I caved. It hasn't been what I expected at all. Its been better than I expected, until now...because now it comes to the details. I have never really come out and talked about these things before and I'm scared to do it. I am being very triggered lately and that is scary in itself. I understand that these are issues that need to come out but it scares me to talk about. I'm afraid of someone thinking I did this to myself and I hate the fact that it went on for as long as it did. I should have stopped it but because I didn't I deserved it.I got the attention I was looking for so I should just be happy with it. This is where confusion steps in and takes over. I wanted attention and I got it, so why am I so scared to talk about it? Maybe it's because I miss him and want him back and by telling its like saying something bad about him that will get him in more trouble. My mind still wanders and thinks maybe there's a chance that after trial is over he'll forgive me for doing such a bad thing by telling. I want to get through these feelings and live my life but I'm not sure I can do this therapy, I just feel so many emotions. It feels like if I tell, I will be hurting him and at the same time it leaves me vulnerable. No one else has ever known the intimate details before and telling is like giving Cadbury Dairy Milk chocolate (best chocolate in the world) to someone else instead of keeping it for myself. Cadbury is something worth keeping because if I keep it, I know it's safe (maybe with a few pieces missing, but hey, it's irresistible). So should I keep it and know its safe, or give it away so I don't have to worry about keeping it safe anymore? I'm not sure what to do. I am just filled with so much self-hatred and I don't want anyone to look down on me, including my therapist. These are things I told myself I would never talk about and here I am about to do it. None of this makes sense anymore. I ask myself all the time, "whats wrong with me, why am I so scared to do this". I know it's my fault, I could've stopped it but I didn't. I still feel so much guilt and shame over the whole thing. I guess I just need support to be able to go through with this. I don't talk to anyone about this part of my life other than my therapist or AS members. I used to be so good at covering up these things for so long but lately I guess I've been slacking off a bit.
  7. Hey, welcome to AS It took me a while to come to terms with my abuse too, but you'll get there.
  8. Hey welcome to AS. It really doesn't take long to get 25 posts. If you can't get enough in time, you can still pm me if you need to.
  9. Hey, and welcome to AS. I certainly understand your anger, and so do alot of people on this site. Its a horrible crime to begin with and we all wish that it would never happen to anyone, anywhere. See ya around Rachel
  10. After silence means freedom to me. To be free and express what happened to me on After Silence when i couldnt anywhere else is freedom. It means that i can talk without fear of being judged or thought less of, I can talk and be understood. I found my voice and am letting it be heard. I heard people talking about wristbands, Im interested, where can i get one?
  11. I know with that feeling of not having a mother is like, i struggle with it everyday. Im on the edge myself so all i can really say is try to hang in there. Its probably not much help, but know that you can always talk on here and we'll always listen, even when no one else does.
  12. good luck with everything and i look forward to meeting you.
  13. i love ur name. haha sry that was random but its cool
  14. hey, nice to meet you. Welcome to AS, I think you'll find it helpful. I look forward to meeting and getting to know you. For my introduction, i didn't know what to say either so i guess thats pretty good. pm me anytime u fel like it, im usually on late at night like now! hehe
  15. Hi, welcome to AS. Sorry that all that happened to you, its a really hard thing to cope with. Its sounds like my family when i told them what happened to me. I hope you and your family can stay strong because even though it is a long process, you can heal. I have found this place extremely supportive and I hope you can too.
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